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Give and get support around quitting

Roller831
Member

NML & In-betweener Weekly Check in - 2/19/2018

Good Grief!

We do this blog every Monday to offer encouragement and camaraderie to those in No Man’s Land -- months 2-3-4 of a quit and those who have not yet reached the 6% club and are post-NML (In-between). Regardless of how long you’ve been quit, anyone who likes the conversation and wants to offer support is welcome to participate!  

This community has chosen to put a big, bright spotlight on NML – we’ve chased away the shadows, taken away the mystery, and put a lot of effort into bringing people in NML together. Because we understand that quitting isn’t over in a month.

Everyone who goes through NML blazes a trail for those that follow. You are not alone on this journey, and you never will be!

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This week’s topic: Good Grief!  

(originally written by Thomas, Thomas3.20.2010 )

The psychological recovery process is very similar to the grief cycle, how someone feels when a loved one dies. Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross did research on death and dying. She found that anytime we experience a major change in life, we grieve for the old in order to make room for the new. She also found that there are usually five stages to a person’s grieving process. Think about how these stages of grieving relates to quitting for you:

 

Denial & Isolation

Denial and isolation are the mind’s first way of protecting us from a sudden change or loss. People who lose a friend or family member say they feel numb. This is called a psychological defense mechanism. What this means is that although you know the importance of quitting, you may not want to believe it. The denial phase probably happened before you even found this program. 

 

Have you ever said any of these statements?

- I know I should quit, but I’m not sure I want to. 

- Cigarettes don’t affect my health like they do others. I’m not huffing and puffing.

- I can quit anytime I want to. 

- I’m not addicted. 

- I’ll switch to a low-tar cigarette. 

- Cigarettes haven’t been proven harmful. 

- My parents both smoked and they’re fine. 

 

These are denial statements. What are some other denial statements that perhaps you have used in the past?

 

Anger 

When we begin to accept a loss, we often feel anger. If you perceived comfort from smoking you are likely to feel angry about the change. You may be angry about the loss of your “friend.” You might be angry about many things, or everything.

 

Some typical feelings or statements made during this phase include:

- Why me? I’m mad I started, I’m mad I quit. I’m mad cigarettes are harmful. I’m mad it’s so hard. I’m mad that things aren’t going my way. 

- You might be angry with me and other participants on the Blogs and Message Boards. You might find yourself reacting angrily to things that normally wouldn’t bother you. 

- Your anger may be directed toward family members, friends, nonsmokers or coworkers. In fact, a lot of people avoid quitting because they feel so irritable during the recovery process. 

 

Remember that anger is part of the process. Don’t try to resist it. Accept it, safely vent it, and take some time to feel it. You may feel angry and testy. You don’t have to have a reason to feel that way, you just do. It will subside. Sometimes naming the feeling lowers the intensity of your anger.

 

Bargaining

This is the stage where participants feel tempted to postpone the inevitable. You might try to switch brands, smoke only at home or only at work. You might also try to make deals and empty promises. This is a risky phase because a lot of people slip or relapse at this point, so be careful!

 

Some typical comments made during the bargaining phase are:

- I think I have the worst licked. If I just have one cigarette, I’ll get right back on track afterward and I won’t do it again. 

- I’ll just smoke on vacation. 

- I’ll just light your cigarette. 

- I’ll quit as long as my weight stays down. 

- I’ll try, but I’m not making any promises. 

 

Do these statements sound familiar? Everyone is tempted to bargain. Realizing that it is a natural part of the process of quitting sometimes helps to move past it. Laugh it off and have a heart-to-heart talk with your inner self. Make a strong commitment to be in control of the cigarette. If you give in to bargaining, the cigarette is once again in control. Say out loud, “Nothing or no one controls me.” Put that statement on a sticky note and put it in a place where you’ll be reminded to think about it and repeat it often.

 

Depression

When quitters acknowledge and accept the loss of their “friend,” the cigarette, it’s natural to experience some sadness. This is especially true when no one else seems to know or understand this loss. People often experience this in one of two ways. They either feel a deep sense of sadness or a deep sense of deprivation.

 

Some typical comments during the depression stage are:

- I feel so emotional. I cry all the time. 

- I feel so deprived. 

- Why can’t I have this one little pleasure? 

- Life without cigarettes is awful. 

- I feel lonely. 

 

This is the “ain’t it awful” stage. You may feel like you’ve lost your best friend. Don’t resist this stage or think it’s crazy to mourn the loss of a cigarette. Be as direct with this stage as you are with the anger stage. Accept it. Talk about it. Take some time to just feel sad. Then move on and focus on the benefits of what you’re doing. 

 

Acceptance 

A healthy person who has suffered a loss eventually accepts its reality and goes on living life. In this stage, you begin to realize that your former smoking lifestyle is over. You are finally resolving your sense of loss or grief. You can get on with living your new found, healthier lifestyle. A new and better life begins.

 

Some typical comments during the acceptance phase are:

- I think I’m going to actually be successful. I still don’t like it a lot but I think it will stick. 

- I’d still like to smoke but I choose not to. 

- I am going to teach myself to like my new nonsmoking lifestyle. I’ll do it gradually and positively.  

- I am living a smokefree life. 

- I am an EX-smoker! 

 

The key to moving through the psychological recovery is your attitude toward quitting. Continue to look at these symptoms as part of the process. Move through them with a sense of challenge, expectation and excitement over what lies ahead for you. You will make discoveries about yourself. Reject the feeling that you have given something up. It’s quite the opposite. You've gained something: your freedom and self-mastery. 

 

This is not an exercise in self-denial, but self-determination. You are giving a precious gift to yourself and to those around you. Be patient with yourself, but stay on track! Move forward and keep them away from your face! You didn't become addicted overnight - you won't heal overnight, either! Smoking is never the solution to your grief!
 

(Thank you Thomas for this powerful contribution to the NML journey!)

                                                                                                                                                            

                                                           

 

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If you're in NML right now, speak up!  Tell us how you're doing! 

Tags (2)
11 Replies
anaussiemom
Member

OH MY!  So dern true!  Wish I could share this with all the newbies who are starting the first few day.  Excellent!!



Oops!  Shared way to many times.   Don't know how to delete so many shares.  ugh

Roller831
Member

Glad Thomas' blog can help.  I continue to look to the /blogs/Giulia-blog/2017/06/18/elders-list-ao-december-7-2016?sr=search&searchId=1e4f7d12-5512-4cbd-b...‌ even when I am strong in my quit because you never know what you may find to inspire.

AnnetteMM
Member

Good morning, roller831!  I'm at 56 DOF today, and doing alright. I like your post this week. I certainly experienced some of those stages, but not all. That's typical, as everyone's grief and everyone's quit is different. Right now when my brain tries to bargain with me it just makes me smile, as if to say, "Oh you're so cute trying to do that." Then I go through my litany of reasons why it would a really bad idea to give this up.

                                            DestressMonday-thumbnail-keepcalm-01.png

Roller831
Member

Correct.  Everyone's experiences are different.  I find that the part of this community is our ability to share our experiences, strengths, and hopes.  Take what you want and leave the rest.  Keep smiling...there is no bargain to having to do Day One all over again. 

minihorses
Member

Hello fellow NML-ers and Between-ers!  Last week was rough.  Many of you have helped me through some tough issues last week and I love you all for it!  My medical and mental issues went sky high!  It wasn't so much that I wanted to light up and smoke but more I wanted to light people on fire and watch them burn.  Naughty girl!  Yesterday I really wanted to smoke and sat outside the gas station where I was going in to get gum and I was fighting with myself to not buy smokes.  There's only a couple stores around that sell the gum I chew and this was one of them.  I prepared myself, went in and got my gum, stood in cashier line waiting to pay and watched the devil on my left shoulder fight with the angel on my right shoulder.  I REALLY wanted to give in but the angel won, I paid for my gum and left the store without the pack of cigarettes! I'm proud of that hurdle cleared!  I've been dealing with a lot of pain and realised that smoking wouldn't help the pain and numbness, it would actually make it worse.  So this week will be challenging so I know the craves will come but I'm counting on the support of the angel on my right shoulder and as always my family of fellow ex-ers.

Julie  day 114

Roller831
Member

Excellent decision, Julie!  You made a choice.  The choice was not to buy the pack of sickarettes.  Celebrate the fact you chose not to buy smokes.  You can make that same choice again if it presents itself.  Smoking is not an option for you at this point.  SINAO.  I am sure you don't want to repeat Day One again.  Think back at how hard those first few days were.  They sucked.  You made it through them once and don't want to have to do that again and lose the glorious 114 DOF you have now!  Look how many days you have stacked!  Look at the obstacles you overcame and continue to overcome.  You've got this!  I know you do!  One step and then another will get you to where you want to be.  The only way out is through.

AnnetteMM
Member

I love those moments so much! Looking at those packs of cigarettes behind the counter, imagining buying one, then not doing it. It's an awesome feeling of freedom!

Lisaml
Member

This is day 50 for me... 

not feeling "freedom" so much today, as I am Romantisizing how good that cigarette would taste/smell/feel...

so stupid. It's the last thing I truly want, to go back to smoking, but I would be lying if I said it wasn't a little appealing... 

working hard at retraining my brain.