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Give and get support around quitting

50 days smoke-free but depressed, angry, and confused

After smoking for about fifteen years on and off (off when pregnant), my husband and I finally decided to quit at the end of last year. We started on the patch and were starting out pretty well, with minimal mood swings. But we weren’t connecting like we used to. Before, at the end of the day after we put the kiddos to bed, we would sit outside, smoking and talking for hours. After quitting, it was just distract, distract, distract. We weren’t connecting anymore. We replaced cigarettes with a TV. 

After about a month, my husband started up again. He found his own loophole- rolling his own cigarettes with loose tobacco, and he’d have one or two at the end of the day. This has progressed to more and more throughout the day. Now he sits outside, where we used to sit together, alone while I’m still distracting myself with the TV. I know he’s got his own process to go through but I’m having the hardest time being close to him. I thought we’d be each other’s support systems, but I now feel I have no one. I hid my smoking from family, and my friends either still smoke or never did.

On top of all this, a few weeks ago the depression and anxiety kicked in, and hard. I’ve done so much reading on all of these topics already but what I think I really need is an actual person who understands, who’s been here or somewhere close... or just some support. I don’t want to give in just so I can be close to my husband again.

51 Replies
elvan
Member

tryinmydarndest  I am so sorry that this is so difficult for you right now and that you are struggling so much.  It DOES get easier, you are going to demonstrate to your husband not only that you CAN do this but that you ARE doing it and that you are better for it, you will be a better example to your children and your self confidence will grow.  The mood swings are very challenging but you do not have to give in to the darkest ones.  I suggest that you find something to do that is for YOU...turn on the music and DANCE, it will release dopamine and help you to feel better.  Find physical things to do that will strengthen your mind as well as your body.  Take up a hobby...play computer games, draw pictures, sew, read, do things for yourself.  You have 50 days of freedom, you should be celebrating those days, you have already come a long ways.  You are now in No Man's Land and that can be a particularly challenging time, you might want to read roller831‌'s weekly conversation: https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/thread/17317-nml-in-betweener-weekly-check-in-1292018  Stay as close to the site as you can because you will get support and you can GIVE support to others.  You are doing a GREAT job.  I came here first thing every morning and last thing in the day.  You might replace your evening smoke time with this site.  There is so much wisdom here and so much support that you are going to be lifted out of that depression just by being a participant.

Congratulations on your 50 days, welcome to EX,

Ellen

Roller831
Member

tryinmydarndest‌ I saw the title of the post and thought to myself....oh boy....NML.  Be proud you haven't caved in.  I am sure you don't want to have to do Day One all over again!  I post a weekly NML check in and within that check in, there are some great links to blogs you can read describing exactly what to expect in months 2, 3, and 4 of a quit.  https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/message/115623-nml-in-betweener-weekly-check-in-2192018?sr=search...‌.  You will find others in a similar place as you and all of you can support each other during this time.  The great past about this site is you will always find someone who has been through and understands and can support you.  Hang in there.  You've got this!  One step and then another will take you where you want to be ~OldBones-Larry‌ taught me that.

Roller

I love this NML!! I didn’t know anything about this stage before. I thought it would just continue to get easier—ha!! I will definitely check out the in-betweener check-in, thank you for the info!! I’m hanging in as best as I can    

Kristih78
Member

 Its not easy to go through the emotions, I am on day 21 and oh boy have my moods been crazy. Me and my wife  used to sit and talk in the mornings after work and before bed smoking a lot of those times. I did feel distant for a while . Find something you both like to do and do it together. Me and my wife joined a gym, we lift weights and do cardio together. You can go out on a dinner date, take a walk together. You can always ask him to walk away if it bothers you when he smokes. My wife started the quit process first so I would not smoke around her. Hang in there ,things get easier and better as time goes on. Congrats on your quit!!!!!

Congratulations on 21 days! That’s awesome that you and your wife have already been finding things to do together. We still aren’t doing great in that way, but I realize that it’s a process. I’m hopeful we’ll find our new normal, whatever that will be. I don’t even know what my interests are anymore, let alone what we both enjoy together besides smoking. Seems like everything revolved around that.

elvan
Member

Kristih78  Very wise words from a relative newbie, good for you.  I think one of the things we have to accept is that feeling things seems incredibly intense at the beginning because it is so foreign to us, we have stuffed things down for so long, at least that was my experience.  I had to learn that it was okay to feel sad or angry or stressed or any variety of emotions, I had to learn what nonsmokers have known all along, feelings are not meant to be stuffed.  Working out is WONDERFUL...it is strengthening in so many ways.  Congratulations on three weeks of freedom!

Ellen

Gma_Bernie
Member

 I don't know if this will help you or not but here goes. The way I quit smoking is I posted Facebook videos of my progress. At first it was pretty rough. I quit buying cigarettes and over the next two weeks I was digging butts out of the garbage, seriously. And I was telling people on Facebook, being totally honest. I'm almost at 3 months now and I can't say that I feel a whole lot better because I smoked for 45 years. But each day that I don't smoke is a victory. And my doctor told me that because of my history I shouldn't be expecting a lot of change for at least 6 months to a year. I am content to wait. Because I am 64 years old and I don't have any more time to put off quitting and say I'll do it tomorrow. My tomorrow has come. I don't post as often as I used to on Facebook. But it sure did help me be accountable to myself in the early days. Let people know about your struggle! Reach Out. You are doing the right thing my posting on this site. I have gotten a lot of support myself from this site. Keep On Keepin On. And remember the journey continues. And life continues with its ups and downs just like when you smoked. Except now you don't have to worry about slowly killing yourself with cigarettes. Good luck.

Bernie

Thanks for sharing with me, Bernie! I’ve seen people on Facebook who share their progress, and when I was a smoker I thought, wow I wish that was me. It would be weird for me to announce it because not many people even knew that I did smoke. But talking about my progress to friends who know definitely helps. And starting to talk about it and blog on here also does. I think I like the relative anonymity of this site because I will know that there is no judgment here. I think my family would judge me, hence me hiding it. I remember times when I would search for butts too, if I didn’t have a pack at home... feels so terrible thinking about it. 

Congratulation on 3 months! I pray I will make it to that too, and then for the rest of my life! 

0 Kudos
elvan
Member

You WILL make it,  you ABSOLUTELY WILL make it to three months and beyond...one day at a time!

Gma_Bernie
Member

Thanks for your reply. What is your real name?

On Feb 25, 2018 2:09 PM, "Tryingmydarndest" <communityadmin@becomeanex.org>