Today is day 6. I'm alone today with the pups. My husband is off to the voting station where he is a Deputy...keeping people in line and making sure that things go smoothly. I can't wait for this election to be over because I'm sick to death of all the horrible ads on tv and radio. I voted early just to get it over with.
Yesterday I went to Pulmonary Rehab for evaluation and planning. I was thrilled that my sats were 99 when I got there! I was recently diagnosed with COPD, but I already knew I had it just from the symptoms I've been having. You'd think when I lost my mom to it 5 1/2 years ago, it would have been a wake up call, but no. I continued to smoke.
You'd think that being diagnosed with cancer last year would have been another wake up call. Again, no.
Two trips to the ER because I couldn't catch my breath...what they called "Panic Attacks." I knew what it really was, but didn't say it out loud because I was in denial.
Everyday breathing getting more and more difficult, and me saying to myself silently every time I lit a cigarette, "You're killing yourself." There was a small part of me that said, "So what?" How do I reconcile that?
Going through horrendous cancer treatment and smoking while doing it. My oncologist telling me that my chest CT scan showed emphysemic changes and I should stop smoking, but NOW was not the time for that...get through treatment and deal with it after. One and 1/2 years after ending treatment I FINALLY decided to do something about it. Here I am.
I'm using Chantix. It's doing exactly what it's supposed to be doing. I'm not having any bad side effects and I think it's keeping my cravings down. I just refilled my prescription yesterday. It's expensive stuff, and we make just a tad too much to qualify for free or discounts. It's only a few dollars more than cigarettes would cost and in my opinion a much better bargain. I can get free patches, gum or lozenges in my state, but I don't want to substitute nicotine, I want it gone from my body.
After yesterday's evaluation, going over all my medical history and meds, etc. the exercise physiologist had me walk around the room for 6 minutes. I was walking and talking at the same time and my sats dropped to 91. I forget what my heart rate was, but it wasn't bad. I have sciatica still in spite of back surgery last summer and that was acting up a bit while I was walking, but it wasn't horrible.
We spoke about all the things I'd be doing there twice a week to improve my lung function and other things too that will help with my pain issues. I've been sedentary for so long, I have very little muscle tone. I've noticed that my breathing is already a little easier after only 5 days not smoking. I feel a tightness across my middle where my ribs meet my diaphragm, but I can breathe with my diaphragm again, which is something I couldn't do a week ago. She told me that after about 3 months that should improve somewhat. At this point, ANY improvement will be an improvement. I just don't want it to get worse, so I'm going to do everything in my power to stay quit and follow their directions. I'm using 2 liters 02 at bedtime, but haven't noticed a difference. She suggested buying an oximeter to check. If I can get up over 90 and stay there, I can lose the 02 at night. I hope I can. I'm finding it to be annoying and uncomfortable.
I have an Albuterol rescue inhaler that I've used twice a couple of weeks ago. That's my only lung med. I'm on enough other meds for other things that I'd just appreciate not needing any others unless absolutely necessary.
At one point I was left in the consult room alone, after speaking to the R.N. and waiting for the physiologist. I thought about how easy it would be to stop at a store and buy a pack. It was the first time I was alone, with a car since I quit on 11/1. Today, I should really go to the pharmacy to get a script filled, but I'm afraid to go out alone, in case the urge to buy and smoke comes on strong. Today is day 6 and it's still early morning. I have a long day to get through by myself...and it would just be so easy...Part of me wants to go to bed and sleep through the cravings, but I know already that a cigarette is the very first thing I think of upon waking. It's actually the very first thing I think of in several situations. My husband grumped at me two days ago. It wasn't even a bad grump, but immediately I thought of a cigarette. If I had any in the house I think I might have grabbed it and gone outside to smoke it. Almost an "I'll show YOU what happens if you grump at me." kind of thing. I realize how ridiculous that sort of thinking is. It wouldn't hurt him a bit, but it sure would hurt me and my self esteem.
Part of this seems surreal. Like I'm not even doing it...but I am. I really am.
I just keep coming back to this site with all you EX'ers and I get motivated again. Then there are times, when I've had enough and all the talk about smoking just makes me think I want one more...so I take a break. I'll keep coming back because it's obviously working for you and I have to give it the chance to work for me too. Maybe I'll even be able to contribute to someone else's quit in some positive way. Passing it Forward would feel really good.
This is my first blog post and it feels like I've written a novel. If you read it and got to this point, I give you credit and my thanks. It's not humorous or enlightening. It's just what's going on with me.
Time now to go distract myself with something besides thinking of not smoking.
That's all for now.
~Wis
to EX Wisteria,
