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Give and get support around quitting

missellen
Member

Fell Off the Wagon

Ugh. Well, I did it, I smoked. I pretty much knew I was going to. I fought it for a few days, but not hard enough. I didn't come here much, I didn't talk to anyone IRL about it, I gave myself a few half-hearted "pep" talks and then went and bought a pack.  

I knew I was giving in to the addict part of me and I DIDN'T CARE  -- that's what's so disturbing about it.  WHY didn't I care?  Why didn't I care enough about myself and my quit to fight it?  To come here, where I know there is overwhelming support?  To talk to my husband or my mom who are huge supporters of me and my quit?  I'm not entirely sure. I wanted to smoke is ultimately the bottom line.  I wanted to smoke and I didn't want to smoke, but the wanting beat out the not wanting.

So, after nearly two weeks of being quit cold turkey, when the nicotine was presumably all flushed out of my system, I smoked to beat the band. I smoked until I felt sick (on purpose). I smoked and smoked and smoked all on the down low, I might add. Not in the house, not around anyone, but in my car in a parking lot while it was still dark out in the morning--like a fugitive; a criminal. Because that is how I felt.

After smoking like a chimney, I threw the remainder of the pack and the lighter away. I went to the car wash and cleaned the inside of the car--cleaned the windows, the dash, vacuumed it out and sprayed it with sandalwood spray.

I stopped in the store and restocked up on cinnamon gum and lemons.  The hubby was nice enough to buy me m&m's and good and plenty and a very sweet card telling me how proud he was of me (um, can you say guilt) yesterday. I'll have to fess up when he wakes up.

I came home and threw my clothes in the washer and took a shower.

And now, here I sit, with a nice, tall glass of ice cold lemon water and feeling like a jerk. But, I can't allow this to lead me into smoking full time again. I can't. I won't. My gym bag is already packed up for the morning and I'm busy for a lot of today, so that will help. I have to go reset my quit day now. I'm now just about an hour into my quit.

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84 Replies
Kimshine
Member

I appreciate you being honest with yourself first and then being honest with us. I'm glad that you are jumping right back on board and not letting this carry on. I have blown quits and not come back immediately and allowed myself to keep smoking for significant amounts of time. NOT GOOD! 

I feel scared when I read these stories because I know how new and vulnerable my quit is. We are here for you missellen!

You can do this!

missellen
Member

Thanks, Kimshine. Believe me, I didn't want to come here and I almost didn't post anything about it, but I figured if I can't be honest about it, that is just going to feed into the addiction. So, as much as I hate that fact that I did it and I blew two weeks of a quit, I have to face it and just start over. On the plus side, I went almost two weeks and I know I can do that, so I know I can keep going.  It's just disappointing and frustrating.

I’m sorry you lost your quit. You did make me laugh though. Isn’t it much harder and A LOT of work  to smoke AND try to hide it? Lol. I have been there. Try not to beat yourself up. Restart your clock and begin again. You can do this and trust us when we say it gets easier.

Kimshine
Member

You're right and you can do this! Don't unpack your bags in the disappointment stage. Get on to quitting and learn from this experience! 

It doesn't sound to me like you wanted to smoke as much as you may not be utilizing the tools in your quit kit. I don't think many of us really want to smoke but we are so new in our quit that it is easier to fall back to old comfort mechanisms. We have to use our new ones!

missellen
Member

Hi Kristen, YES! I was thinking about how ridiculous it was that I was skulking around, smoking under cover of darkness.  I mean, seriously?  I kept thinking the cops were going to pull up to me and ask what I was doing, sitting in the parking lot at 5 am. "Oh, don't mind me, officer, I'm just closet smoking!".  What the hell?

I'm now trying to figure out the trigger. It wasn't booze or coffee or stress--in fact, I had a really good week--that might've been it, actually. The "reward" thing.  I had a really excellent review at work, I paid off a loan, made some substantial payments of some credit card debt;  it's staying lighter longer, which is just nice, the weather is improving, I was feeling better--as in over the hump with some of the weird physical stuff I was feeling since the quit (digestion, anxiety, weird sleep patterns, etc.).  So, I rewarded myself with a big bunch of nothing. Dang!  It's crazy!

I imagine I am going to be boring everyone here with some chronic posting the next few days...

TW517
Member

"I went almost two weeks and I know I can do that".  Exactly!  I think I quit and started and quit and started 3 or 4 times between my birthday on April 7 last year, and May 15 which is still holding strong.  Prior to last April, I had quit 6 times before, and each relapse was for years.  That made each quit attempt all the harder.  It was much easier jumping back on the wagon the day after a relapse, than putting it off for even a day.  Guilt is a pretty good motivator, but don't beat yourself up too bad.  We've all been there.

Fighting is tiring. Fighting with yourself is just as tiring.

You're fighting something you can't see. Something you created.

Willingness not Willpower

waltbenn1
Member

Wound up smoking about 2 puffs on two separate cigarettes today on my quit day.   It probably didn't help that I failed to discard the ones I have left.  Not easy.   Got my generic nicotine lozenges, and new patches to start on, probably tomorrow.   It also helps to have someone to nag you a little, so long as the nagging doesn't stress you to the point of actually triggering another strong urge to smoke (funny how that works...).   No worries though.  Keep quitting!   I'm not going to get bent and count the days, etc., as many do.  To Thine own self be true!   Some things need to be taken into better context and done gradually.  Quitting should be a very personal positive mindset.  You know what your reasons are for wanting to quit.  You don't need to please anyone but yourself in this regard.  In all likelihood, no one else really gives a damn whether one quits or not; only you can do this, but I know it helps to have the support group here, so that's good you're here.   Support helps, but, as someone once said, "It's up to me if it is to be..." (or something like that).  It's true.   Enjoy your day and keep up the good work.  I was just kidding...we all care and want you to be successful, but don't feel too badly if you're not 100% successful.  It really takes time and everyone is different.

YoungAtHeart
Member

I am SO happy you are starting back in and have your tools at the ready! 

In reading your blog, it sounds to me like you talked yourself INTO it.  It seems you failed to distract....you note you didn't come here, or use any of the tools.  Don't do it AGAIN!

That's all - just don't do it again!

I am glad you're back at it!

Nancy