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Laughter is the Best Medicine

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I had to go to the office today and meet with the IT guy to get a new laptop; he scheduled one hour for the copy and upgrades.  We spent 4 hours of "quality time", him complaining how much stuff I have, me defending 21 + years with the company.  The fact is, I saved so much stuff, and before there is some clean up involved, he will have a hard time giving me a new laptop.  One would think the space increased with years, now that we have our personal "cloud drive", but even that is limited.

So cleaning I do, as much as I can, and here is something just darling I came across:

 

Dear God:  It's me, the dog. 

 
Dear God:  Is it on purpose that our 
names
 are the same, only reversed? 
  
Dear God:  Why do humans smell the flowers, 
but seldom, if ever, smell one another? 
  
Dear God:  When we get to Heaven, can we sit 
on your couch?  Or will it be the same old story? 
 
 Dear God:  Why are there cars named after 
the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, 
the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE 
named for a Dog? How often do you 
see a cougar riding around? We love a nice car 
ride! Would it be so hard to rename 
the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'? 


  Dear God:  If a Dog barks his head off 
in the forest and no human hears him, 
is he still a bad Dog? 


  Dear God: We dogs can understand human 
verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, 
horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, 
electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee 
flight paths. What do humans understand? 


  Dear God:  More meatballs, 
less spaghetti, please. 
  
 Dear God:  Are there mailmen in Heaven? 
If there are, will I have to apologize? 
 
 Dear God:  Here is a list of 
just some of the things I must remember 
to be a good Dog: 
1. I will not eat the cat's food before he eats 
it or after he throws it up. 
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, 
crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell. 
3. The litter box is not a cookie jar. 
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. 
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. 
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's 
underwear when he's on the toilet. 
7.  Sticking my nose into someone's 
crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'. 
8. I don't need to suddenly stand 
straight up when I'm under the coffee table. 
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before 
entering the house - not after. 
10. The cat is not a squeaky toy.

The cat is not a squeaky toy.

The cat is not a squeaky toy. 
 P.S.  Dear God: When I get to Heaven, 
can I be unspayed?

 

Eat nothing,

Drink it all.

Poop for hours,

Heed the call!

 

"he never ran so much in his whole life."

"Look, up in the sky! Is it a bird?,

Is it a plane? No, it's Dale going by."

 

They weren't going to honor the rain check for the 4 mega-roll packs.

Butt they did!

and the whole story only has one bad word

     One early morning after a hard rain, I was making my way up the hill when I saw a line of traffic stuck behind a stalled car and heard the frenzied shouting of men.

And then it hit me. The fell-you-where-you’re-standing stench of ****. One of the sewer drains had overflowed, blasting away its manhole cover, and a gleaming brown waterfall cascaded down the hill. It took me about a minute to understand what was happening: what this had to do with the stalled car, why there were about fifteen men gesturing hysterically, half of them yelling at the poor, broken-down driver to “Push on! Push on!” and the other half careering down the hill, warning the other cars to “Go back! Go back!”

The car’s tires, you see, couldn’t get a grip on the asphalt for the slimy effluence underwheel. They spun and spun in place, emitting an agonized whine, churning out fecal matter as the men screamed, and women craned their heads over windowsills and balcony railings, adding their own horrified shouting and instructions to the commotion.       Occasionally there was a mighty string of curses as one of the men got too close and got splattered. The private become public in spectacular fashion. It was horrifying. It was hilarious. It was basically everything a great poop joke should be. After watching awhile from a safe distance, I took a detour up another hill, giggling the whole way.

 

https://thebaffler.com/latest/waste-away-mounzer?utm_source=pocket-newtab 

jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007

WOW

Posted by jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007 Jul 10, 2020

      I just had a weird dystopian, prophetic/deja-vu type experience. You know the powers that be are pushing us toward a cashless society, right?

      Well, this morning, I went to get a few things and both my credit card and atm card were declined. So yeah, what's going to happen when we're cashless and your purchases can be denied. And, what if it's because you said something someone disapproved of?

No food?

      When I first approached the "machine" it said if you want to pay in cash you can't.

That didn't bother me because I was going to use a card.

Both cards declined.

Is anyone following me here. Talk about control.

They finally got my credit card to work. They said after the chip failed three times they could swipe it.

I'M GOING TO REMEMBER THAT

here's the kicker

the mint hasn't sent them any coinage in two weeks.

are people hoarding their coins to buy toilet paper?

The masks I have steam up my glasses and overheat me.

I'd like to get something to breathe through that doesn't do that.

Bandanas are typically 22 x 22

Larger ones are 27 x 27

My head is 24 inches in diameter. 

that only gives me one and a half inches to tie.

IMPOSSIBLE

So, I got to thinking:

Go watch Naked and Afraid

and count your blessings!

jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007

Hmmmm

Posted by jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007 Jun 16, 2020

Daniela-3-11-2016

Quarantine over?

Posted by Daniela-3-11-2016 Jun 7, 2020

HAPPY SUNDAY EVERYBODY!

Sorry, the banner function still not working, I had a nice, huge pile of TP for the Banner...

 

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I got a haircut

Mandolinrain

Smiles for Saturday

Posted by Mandolinrain May 30, 2020

 

Happy Weekend to you all...The suns out and I am headed to the flower beds

jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007

What?

Posted by jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007 May 29, 2020

Care to add a verse? Carl? Giulia? Missy? All are welcome

Here's three to get you started.

If you hum the melody, it's easier to add the words

Don't forget to end your verse with "Now I just Don't Smoke"

I dropped the soap I dropped my wipe

I washed my hair I put on my hair hat

I tied my shoes  I put on sandals

I brushed my teeth I wore a mask

I smoked a cigarette No I didn't

 

How has your life changed under this lock down

 

Change is inevitable. Make the most of it!

Mandolinrain

Like a dog in the house

Posted by Mandolinrain May 20, 2020

To good not to share ( written by anonymous , not me )

 

I hope they give us two weeks notice before sending us back out into the real world. I think we'll all need the time to become ourselves again. And by "ourselves" I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair and get used to not drinking at 9:00 a.m.

New monthly budget: Gas $0 Entertainment $0 Clothes $0 Groceries $2,799.

Breaking News: Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.

Low maintenance chicks are having their moment right now. We don't have nails to fill and paint, roots to dye, eyelashes to re-mink, and are thrilled not to have to get dressed every day. I have been training for this moment my entire life!

When this quarantine is over, let's not tell some people.

I stepped on my scale this morning. It said: "Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on scale."

Not to brag, but I haven't been late to anything in over 6 weeks.

I wanted zombies and anarchy. Instead we got working from home and toilet paper shortages.

You know those car commercials where there's only one vehicle on the road - doesn't seem so unrealistic these days …

They can open things up next month, I'm staying in until July to see what happens to you all first.

Appropriate analogy: "The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now" = "The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now”.

People keep asking: "Is coronavirus REALLY all that serious?" Listen y'all, the churches and casinos are closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing it's probably pretty serious.

Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.

Home school Day 1: I'm trying to figure out how I can get this kid transferred out of my class.

Putting a drink in each room of my house today and calling it a pub crawl.

Okay, the schools are closed. So do we drop the kids off at the teacher's house or what?

For the second part of this quarantine do we have to stay with the same family or will they relocate us? Asking for myself...

Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We wander around the house looking for food. We get told "No" if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about going for walks and car rides.

The dumbest thing I've ever bought was a 2020 planner...

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in."

Fortune Cookies Do Not Pertain To Seniors

I think we could come up with some that are more relatable 

Here's one I got today  

"YOU WILL BE REWARDED GREATLY FOR TAKING THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED."

This has absolutely nothing to do with me.

We need some fortunes that read more like: 

 

"YOU MAY GO TWICE TOMORROW"

or

"YOU MAY NOT DRIVE WITHOUT YOUR KEYS"

or

"YOU LEFT YOUR TEETH BESIDE THE BED"

 

do you have any to add?