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2020

I had to go to the office today and meet with the IT guy to get a new laptop; he scheduled one hour for the copy and upgrades.  We spent 4 hours of "quality time", him complaining how much stuff I have, me defending 21 + years with the company.  The fact is, I saved so much stuff, and before there is some clean up involved, he will have a hard time giving me a new laptop.  One would think the space increased with years, now that we have our personal "cloud drive", but even that is limited.

So cleaning I do, as much as I can, and here is something just darling I came across:

 

Dear God:  It's me, the dog. 

 
Dear God:  Is it on purpose that our 
names
 are the same, only reversed? 
  
Dear God:  Why do humans smell the flowers, 
but seldom, if ever, smell one another? 
  
Dear God:  When we get to Heaven, can we sit 
on your couch?  Or will it be the same old story? 
 
 Dear God:  Why are there cars named after 
the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, 
the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE 
named for a Dog? How often do you 
see a cougar riding around? We love a nice car 
ride! Would it be so hard to rename 
the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'? 


  Dear God:  If a Dog barks his head off 
in the forest and no human hears him, 
is he still a bad Dog? 


  Dear God: We dogs can understand human 
verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, 
horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, 
electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee 
flight paths. What do humans understand? 


  Dear God:  More meatballs, 
less spaghetti, please. 
  
 Dear God:  Are there mailmen in Heaven? 
If there are, will I have to apologize? 
 
 Dear God:  Here is a list of 
just some of the things I must remember 
to be a good Dog: 
1. I will not eat the cat's food before he eats 
it or after he throws it up. 
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, 
crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell. 
3. The litter box is not a cookie jar. 
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. 
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. 
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's 
underwear when he's on the toilet. 
7.  Sticking my nose into someone's 
crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'. 
8. I don't need to suddenly stand 
straight up when I'm under the coffee table. 
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before 
entering the house - not after. 
10. The cat is not a squeaky toy.

The cat is not a squeaky toy.

The cat is not a squeaky toy. 
 P.S.  Dear God: When I get to Heaven, 
can I be unspayed?

 

Eat nothing,

Drink it all.

Poop for hours,

Heed the call!

 

"he never ran so much in his whole life."

"Look, up in the sky! Is it a bird?,

Is it a plane? No, it's Dale going by."

 

They weren't going to honor the rain check for the 4 mega-roll packs.

Butt they did!

and the whole story only has one bad word

     One early morning after a hard rain, I was making my way up the hill when I saw a line of traffic stuck behind a stalled car and heard the frenzied shouting of men.

And then it hit me. The fell-you-where-you’re-standing stench of ****. One of the sewer drains had overflowed, blasting away its manhole cover, and a gleaming brown waterfall cascaded down the hill. It took me about a minute to understand what was happening: what this had to do with the stalled car, why there were about fifteen men gesturing hysterically, half of them yelling at the poor, broken-down driver to “Push on! Push on!” and the other half careering down the hill, warning the other cars to “Go back! Go back!”

The car’s tires, you see, couldn’t get a grip on the asphalt for the slimy effluence underwheel. They spun and spun in place, emitting an agonized whine, churning out fecal matter as the men screamed, and women craned their heads over windowsills and balcony railings, adding their own horrified shouting and instructions to the commotion.       Occasionally there was a mighty string of curses as one of the men got too close and got splattered. The private become public in spectacular fashion. It was horrifying. It was hilarious. It was basically everything a great poop joke should be. After watching awhile from a safe distance, I took a detour up another hill, giggling the whole way.

 

https://thebaffler.com/latest/waste-away-mounzer?utm_source=pocket-newtab 

jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007

WOW

Posted by jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007 Jul 10, 2020

      I just had a weird dystopian, prophetic/deja-vu type experience. You know the powers that be are pushing us toward a cashless society, right?

      Well, this morning, I went to get a few things and both my credit card and atm card were declined. So yeah, what's going to happen when we're cashless and your purchases can be denied. And, what if it's because you said something someone disapproved of?

No food?

      When I first approached the "machine" it said if you want to pay in cash you can't.

That didn't bother me because I was going to use a card.

Both cards declined.

Is anyone following me here. Talk about control.

They finally got my credit card to work. They said after the chip failed three times they could swipe it.

I'M GOING TO REMEMBER THAT

here's the kicker

the mint hasn't sent them any coinage in two weeks.

are people hoarding their coins to buy toilet paper?

The masks I have steam up my glasses and overheat me.

I'd like to get something to breathe through that doesn't do that.

Bandanas are typically 22 x 22

Larger ones are 27 x 27

My head is 24 inches in diameter. 

that only gives me one and a half inches to tie.

IMPOSSIBLE

So, I got to thinking: