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Laughter is the Best Medicine

187 posts

"Quit still intact!"

 

I use the garage door when I go out with Hoggie.

When I opened it to come back in yesterday, a large medium size lizard dropped off the garage door gasket and onto the ground in front of the garage door.

What did I learn from this?

 

LIZARDS DON'T HAVE EYES

IN THE BACK OF THEIR HEAD! 

 

I honestly don't know if he was playing dead because we went inside but, he wasn't there this morning so it's one of two things. I'll let you guess.

Daniela-3-11-2016

New Year Funnies

Posted by Daniela-3-11-2016 Dec 29, 2020

It's been a rough year, IT will remain in history for how hard it was, but we are so resilient, and we are still hoping for a better next year!

 

Meanwhile, let's try to smile a little in 2020 (even if Giulia told me once that she does not see me as funny when I am on EX!!!  Really Giulia???  That makes me so sad, I'm ready to cry)! HAHAHA!

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      I had the left most lower rear tooth (#18 for me    )  removed not too long ago.  Something was poking out the inner side of my gum area and poking my tongue.

       It was just before Thanksgiving. I called and said there was something sticking through the gum. I think they were closing a couple days early. They called yesterday and I got a 10am appointment for a look see this morning. Well, she did more than that. She shot me up, opened it up and filed the bone.

       I had preordered lunch from Panda Ex for an hour after my 10am appointment. Orange chicken and  chow mien.

Yes I knew it was crunchy!

I KNEW IT WAS GONNA HURT ME!

IT WAS STUCK IN MY HEAD!

I COULDN'T PASS IT UP.

I tried to chew on the other side

 

Got it

Want it

until the meds wear off

 

 

 

I Saw Her Standing There (Live) - The Beatles - YouTube 

UPDATED FOR THESE TIMES

 

 

Well, she was just seventeen
You know what I mean
And the way she looked
Was way beyond compare
So how could I dance with another
Ooh, and I never saw her face?
Well, she looked at me
And I, I could see
That before too long
I'd fall in love with her
She wouldn't dance with another
Ooh, and I never saw her face?
Well, my heart went "boom"
When I crossed that room
And I held her hand in mine
Oh we danced through the night
And we held each other tight
And before too long
I fell in love with her
Now I'll never dance with another
Ooh, and I never saw her face?
Well, my heart went, "Boom"
When I crossed that room
And I held her hand in mine
Oh we danced through the night
And we held each other tight
And before too long
I fell in love with her
Now I'll never dance with another
Ooh, and I never saw her face?

      But, this has been happening for at least the past couple years, usually right after Hoggie eats.

      I had my mobile mechanic over a week ago to replace the shocks on my truck and change belts and pulleys in the engine compartment.

 

      Hoggie had come out to his enclosed area outside and had begun "talking."

         He was well into it when I mentioned to the mechanic that sometimes it sounds like he's saying "I love you."

Just then, while I was speaking, he did it.

The mechanic was speechless and then, he said, "I heard it. I heard him say "I love you."

 

  This confirmed I'm not as crazy as I thought I was.

Maki

Little something I wanna share

Posted by Maki Nov 12, 2020

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Keep your quits 

Love your animals friends 

They love you . 

Look at those faces  

I've found a better sleep with my knee pillow

Knee pillow knee pillow

No gnashing of my knees with my knee pillow

Knee pillow, knee pillow

 

Before I found my knee pillow

My knees were hitting all night long

But now I've got my knee pillow

Awayyy ay ay ay ee

Woe oh  oh oh oh

I sleep better don't chu know?

 

Remember the song moonshadow?

Well,I just butchered it!

Cat Stevens - Moonshadow - YouTube 

"The secret of why you're not pooping right."

or

"Man poops out 40 pounds of stored fat."

 

WHO READS THIS CRAP???

 

GRIPE

And what about those ridged/bumpy plates they put out in front of the supermarket between you and your car?

Are those to break your eggs? I always have to lift the bag with the eggs just above the cart until I pass over them.

 

and one more thing

If you want to watch live streams of hurricane areas:

Live Storm Chasing 

 

      Is that how you want to perceive your quit?

Waiting for nicotine to swoop down from a corner, SNAG you and eat your quit?

How many times have you seen a spider web without a spider?

(well, that's not comforting) 

This is why we plan a quit. You examine (with your thought process) what excuse could be lurking in the corners, then, you make plans for those times.

 

I had a spider, it was a big one

I couldn't catch it, that spider could run

behind my cabinet, furred from the wall

there is a large gap, where he could crawl

 

That spider played me for weeks and months,

Avoiding that space, it pissed me off

Some liquid nitrogen could freeze his ass

but some canned air would work and cost much less

 

I gave that spider a couple blasts

But it took off It was too fast

It ran into a thick cardboard tube

I plugged the end of it, eight legged boob!

 

 

~Nothing to fear from a spider web if there's nothing in it~

 

 

I had to go to the office today and meet with the IT guy to get a new laptop; he scheduled one hour for the copy and upgrades.  We spent 4 hours of "quality time", him complaining how much stuff I have, me defending 21 + years with the company.  The fact is, I saved so much stuff, and before there is some clean up involved, he will have a hard time giving me a new laptop.  One would think the space increased with years, now that we have our personal "cloud drive", but even that is limited.

So cleaning I do, as much as I can, and here is something just darling I came across:

 

Dear God:  It's me, the dog. 

 
Dear God:  Is it on purpose that our 
names
 are the same, only reversed? 
  
Dear God:  Why do humans smell the flowers, 
but seldom, if ever, smell one another? 
  
Dear God:  When we get to Heaven, can we sit 
on your couch?  Or will it be the same old story? 
 
 Dear God:  Why are there cars named after 
the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, 
the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE 
named for a Dog? How often do you 
see a cougar riding around? We love a nice car 
ride! Would it be so hard to rename 
the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'? 


  Dear God:  If a Dog barks his head off 
in the forest and no human hears him, 
is he still a bad Dog? 


  Dear God: We dogs can understand human 
verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, 
horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, 
electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee 
flight paths. What do humans understand? 


  Dear God:  More meatballs, 
less spaghetti, please. 
  
 Dear God:  Are there mailmen in Heaven? 
If there are, will I have to apologize? 
 
 Dear God:  Here is a list of 
just some of the things I must remember 
to be a good Dog: 
1. I will not eat the cat's food before he eats 
it or after he throws it up. 
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, 
crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell. 
3. The litter box is not a cookie jar. 
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. 
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. 
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's 
underwear when he's on the toilet. 
7.  Sticking my nose into someone's 
crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'. 
8. I don't need to suddenly stand 
straight up when I'm under the coffee table. 
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before 
entering the house - not after. 
10. The cat is not a squeaky toy.

The cat is not a squeaky toy.

The cat is not a squeaky toy. 
 P.S.  Dear God: When I get to Heaven, 
can I be unspayed?

 

Eat nothing,

Drink it all.

Poop for hours,

Heed the call!

 

"he never ran so much in his whole life."

"Look, up in the sky! Is it a bird?,

Is it a plane? No, it's Dale going by."

 

They weren't going to honor the rain check for the 4 mega-roll packs.

Butt they did!

and the whole story only has one bad word

     One early morning after a hard rain, I was making my way up the hill when I saw a line of traffic stuck behind a stalled car and heard the frenzied shouting of men.

And then it hit me. The fell-you-where-you’re-standing stench of ****. One of the sewer drains had overflowed, blasting away its manhole cover, and a gleaming brown waterfall cascaded down the hill. It took me about a minute to understand what was happening: what this had to do with the stalled car, why there were about fifteen men gesturing hysterically, half of them yelling at the poor, broken-down driver to “Push on! Push on!” and the other half careering down the hill, warning the other cars to “Go back! Go back!”

The car’s tires, you see, couldn’t get a grip on the asphalt for the slimy effluence underwheel. They spun and spun in place, emitting an agonized whine, churning out fecal matter as the men screamed, and women craned their heads over windowsills and balcony railings, adding their own horrified shouting and instructions to the commotion.       Occasionally there was a mighty string of curses as one of the men got too close and got splattered. The private become public in spectacular fashion. It was horrifying. It was hilarious. It was basically everything a great poop joke should be. After watching awhile from a safe distance, I took a detour up another hill, giggling the whole way.

 

https://thebaffler.com/latest/waste-away-mounzer?utm_source=pocket-newtab 

jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007

WOW

Posted by jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007 Jul 10, 2020

      I just had a weird dystopian, prophetic/deja-vu type experience. You know the powers that be are pushing us toward a cashless society, right?

      Well, this morning, I went to get a few things and both my credit card and atm card were declined. So yeah, what's going to happen when we're cashless and your purchases can be denied. And, what if it's because you said something someone disapproved of?

No food?

      When I first approached the "machine" it said if you want to pay in cash you can't.

That didn't bother me because I was going to use a card.

Both cards declined.

Is anyone following me here. Talk about control.

They finally got my credit card to work. They said after the chip failed three times they could swipe it.

I'M GOING TO REMEMBER THAT

here's the kicker

the mint hasn't sent them any coinage in two weeks.

are people hoarding their coins to buy toilet paper?