To good not to share ( written by anonymous , not me )
I hope they give us two weeks’ notice before sending us back out into the real world. I think we'll all need the time to become ourselves again. And by "ourselves" I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair and get used to not drinking at 9:00 a.m.
New monthly budget: Gas $0 Entertainment $0 Clothes $0 Groceries $2,799.
Breaking News: Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.
Low maintenance chicks are having their moment right now. We don't have nails to fill and paint, roots to dye, eyelashes to re-mink, and are thrilled not to have to get dressed every day. I have been training for this moment my entire life!
When this quarantine is over, let's not tell some people.
I stepped on my scale this morning. It said: "Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on scale."
Not to brag, but I haven't been late to anything in over 6 weeks.
I wanted zombies and anarchy. Instead we got working from home and toilet paper shortages.
You know those car commercials where there's only one vehicle on the road - doesn't seem so unrealistic these days …
They can open things up next month, I'm staying in until July to see what happens to you all first.
Appropriate analogy: "The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now" = "The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now”.
People keep asking: "Is coronavirus REALLY all that serious?" Listen y'all, the churches and casinos are closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing it's probably pretty serious.
Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.
Home school Day 1: I'm trying to figure out how I can get this kid transferred out of my class.
Putting a drink in each room of my house today and calling it a pub crawl.
Okay, the schools are closed. So do we drop the kids off at the teacher's house or what?
For the second part of this quarantine do we have to stay with the same family or will they relocate us? Asking for myself...
Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We wander around the house looking for food. We get told "No" if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about going for walks and car rides.
The dumbest thing I've ever bought was a 2020 planner...
I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in."
Last week, I was walking with my niece (4 years old). On the playground, she met a boy who was her age. They were playing, talking, and laughing. When we went home, she said, “Thank God, I found a guy.”
— Mom, what are your favorite flowers? — I like lilies, and also daisies. — Show me what they look like. I’m looking for a photo and my son continues: — When you’re dead, I’ll bring them to your grave. I had no idea what to say. This was definitely an unusual way for him to show he cares.
My daughter (6 years old) was eating soup and I suggested adding some onions or garlic. Daughter: I don’t want that. Me: Onions and garlic kill germs. Daughter: I wish chocolate killed germs.
My grandmother and I came home and saw my daughter (4 years old).
My grandma asks: — Are you home alone? Where is your dad? My daughter shook her head and pointed to the bedroom: — He is putting me to sleep in the bedroom.
A boy, who was about 6 years old, was having a conversation with his dad: Dad: Don’t go into the puddle — your feet will get soaked. Look both ways, or a car might hit you. Don’t climb the fence, you might fall. Don’t jump off the deck, you’ll break your leg. The boy: Dad, you are a coward!
My child brings home a new toy car from kindergarten. I ask him: — Where did you get the toy? — Oh, Jason and I traded... — He gave you a car and what did you give him? He thought and replied: — I kicked him.
We were having lunch and my daughter wasn’t behaving. Me: Jane, stop this already! You’re behaving terribly! Your grandparents are coming and I’m going to tell them how naughty you are being! Jane: Please don’t tell them! I want it to be a surprise!
Ann (4 years old) asks me: — Have you found a job? — Not yet. — You’re doing it wrong. I’ll teach you. You take me to the kindergarten and Ashley’s mother takes her there too. Then, she goes to work. You can follow her and she’ll take you to work too!
My son invites me to eat cereal with him. I refuse because I want to lose weight to look beautiful. And he is sincerely surprised: — Mom, you should wear a neckless to be beautiful, not lose weight. This phrase became a motto at my work!
We went to the store and parked our car under a tree. While we were in the store, some birds who were hanging out in the tree left some “presents” on the roof and the hood of our car. Because of this, I had to go to the car wash. After washing it, my son looked at the car and said, — So, the birds are going to look at the car and say, “We did all the poop and it was all for nothing!”http://det.org.ru/?author=Panaramix
Dad: We should make our son try red caviar and we’ll let him watch cartoons in return. Let’s go to his room. Mom: Mark, do you want to watch cartoons for 15 minutes? Son, looking at both of us: What do I have to eat?http://det.org.ru/?author=Kassia
Daughter: Dad, don’t go. Please, don’t go! Me: I’m going to work. Daughter, grabbing me: Please, can I go with you? Me: What are you going to do there? This is my job! She screams: I will work too! Me, lost: What exactly will your job be? She, looking embarrassed: I will be... My dad’s sweetheart.
I’m doing my makeup before a party: eye shadow, mascara, lipstick...
My son: Mom, why are you drawing on your face? Me: To make myself very-very beautiful, honey. My son: It won’t help...
My daughter and I are playing in the bathroom. I’m a princess and she is a mermaid. She is going to marry the prince.
Me: Well, if I’m the princess, I’m supposed to marry the prince. She: So, what... I have to marry a diver?!
My 6-year-old son and I were looking at a scene where a 7-year-old girl was lying on the floor, begging her mother to buy something. My son asked me: — Mom, is she stupid? I said, — Yes, honey. The daughter’s mother yelled at me, “You’re stupid!” And my son said that now he knows that genes matter.