Lisa_Th

Document created by Lisa_Th on Jan 4, 2020
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My Quit

Thursday 1/2/20 724 Days Quit Quitnet shuts down in four days. In five days I will be quit for two years. I could not have done this without this site and the people here. I am so grateful. I will miss this site. Friday 5/24/19 501 Days Quit Another 100 days! Amazing! Hooray! I still feel great, still so thrilled to be done. You can do it! Wednesday 2/13/19 401 Days Quit I haven't added to my profile for quite a while. I made it through the holidays, the new year, the birth of a new great niece, health challenges and surgery. I made it through it all and arrived at January 8th, my one year anniversary. I will tell you the truth that I was surprised I made it. I am still sometimes startled that I have come this far. But I have! I have come so far. I still occasionally am sideswiped out of the blue with a weird, vague, feeling that I will suddenly recognize as a want for a cigarette. I am so amazed when that happens. I don't want cigarettes any more, ever again. My brain still points out an old familiar haunt or situation when I would have smoked in the past, but it doesn't even bother me any more. I don't want it. Any of it. Ever again. That is huge. Earlier in my quit at one point I came to the conclusion that even if I craved forevermore, and it was uncomfortable all the time, forever. I came to the conclusion I would still be happier saying no to that and dealing with those feelings forever, if I had to. Now I can say it doesn't bother me a bit. Not one bit. I'm so happy in my quit. You can do this. It may not feel like it, but if you just decide never to take that first puff ever again you will make it and there is a good chance you will even love it. Thursday 12/13/18 339 Day Quit I only have 25 more days until I have been smoke free for a full year. That is so exciting to me! I want to be perfectly clear though, I still crave, sometimes worse than I did at the beginning. I don’t know why… I think it may have to do with the anniversary coming up. Sometimes that scares me, but then I just remember it’s ok to feel like that, it does not mean that I’m going to fail. Even if I have to sit with uncomfortable feelings, even for a few days in a row, it doesn’t mean that I have to smoke, or that I will smoke. That choice is still firmly, completely, up to me. I am feeling a little out of sorts. I’m just going to keep keeping on though. It is so fun to see the folks who were a little ahead of me reaching their year milestones. It makes me SO happy! I can’t believe how short of a time until it’s my turn. Tuesday 10/23/18 288 Days Quit Still going strong and still a happy quitter. My life has improved in so many different, wonderful ways since I quit smoking. If you go through some of my posts you will see how much fun my husband and I have been having. Never would have happened if I didn't quit smoking. NEVER! Jump in, stay committed, practice NOPE one day at a time. Is it the easiest thing in the world? No, of course not, or you wouldn't be here! It is, however, totally doable. Friday 9/7/18 242 Days Quit Tomorrow is 8 months. WOW! I know for a fact I never, ever, ever, since I was 12 years old gone this long without a death dart. NEVER! How exciting is that? I’m not going to say it’s a breeze now. Mostly it is. I don’t have hard craves anymore. What I do have is moments, sometimes a full day, of just restlessness. When I was downtown last weekend and I would see smokers my first thought was pity for them. After that though there was definitely a little bit of jealousy. I would recognize it. I want to be able to smoke safely, but there is no way to do that. The restlessness is uncomfortable. It gets annoying. But even if it lasts a whole day, the next day it’s gone. I don’t recall that feeling ever lasting into the next day. I am still happy to be an ex-smoker with an occasional craving that a smoker with a constant desire to quit. I get nervous sometimes… I see people come back and say something like “I had four years under my belt, then I fell for the “just one” game.” I hope I never ever fall for that again. I think I will need to stay close to the Q… maybe for the rest of my life, but if that is what it takes to make sure I never pick that one up again then that’s the way it will have to be. 8 months. Whoda thunk it?! Yay me! Monday 8/6/18 210 Days Quit Here I am... coming up on 7 months quit. I've been thinking the last couple of days, a lot. I've been trying to figure out what happened to me on Saturday night. On Saturday night, I had a wonderful meal with my husband. Then we went to see a concert. Peter Frampton and the Steve Miller Band. It was so awesome! I can't really say how great it was. I was there for Frampton. When I was 12 I was crushing on Peter Frampton so hard, I don't think I did much of anything else that summer except listen to Frampton Comes Alive on headphones every minute of the day I was home. And go to the movie theater to see Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band over and over. Another thing I did that summer was start smoking. I remember it clearly now. I didn't before. But this context of the music, and remembering that summer with more clarity I remember exactly when I started smoking. For some reason after the concert, without even much thought, as I was getting something to drink and some snacks at 7-11 I asked for a pack of cigarettes, and a lighter. I paid for them. I literally do not know why. I wasn't thinking of it as I put my purchases down on the counter. When the clerk said "anything else?" I blurted out my old, usual, order. I had enough intention in my brain to ask for a lighter too. Wow, right? So I go out to the car, and we drove back to the hotel. In the parking lot I showed my husband the cigs and I opened them, and I took one out and I picked up the lighter. My husband was in shock. So was I. I sat there a few minutes like that. Both of us speechless. In my head I was having an animated conversation. I was reminding myself I had pledged that day. I thought the only way to do this and keep my integrity is to go to QuitNet and post and wait for my three replies. I imagined it, all of it, I had the whole conversation in my head. I shook my head, put them back in my purse, and we went up to the room. We didn't even talk about it. About 15 minutes after laying down for the night I got up, grabbed them, and soaked them in the bathroom sink. Whewww!!! That was close. Thinking about it now... it is terrifying! Honestly, I can't tell you why I asked for them. Not in a really coherent way. As @Troutnut says: This is what we train for. He is right! It was my training, that I work on every day at this site, that saved me. When I pledge in the mornings, I take it seriously, so it's something I HAVE to consider before I can take another puff. I have promised you and me and everyone here that I would post and wait for three replies before I take another puff, so I HAVE to consider that if I am thinking about doing that. It's those considerations that kept my quit intact on Saturday night. This is what we train for. Train every day is my advice. I have been feeling solid as a rock in my quit for a while now. Then this. Stay vigilant! Keep training. Thursday 7/26/18 199 Days Quit 200 days tomorrow. I feel so great about that. I still have moments. They are just moments. They pass quickly. Most of the time when I think about smoking I am so thrilled about my freedom. About not doing such a terrible deed to my own health. I have never made it this far before. I will never go back. I know that I will need to keep active nicotine abstinence a part of my life forever. I know that. Or, at least, at this point I guess what I am saying is that if that turns out to be the case. That I do need to do that. I am willing to do that. I am so grateful the Q exists so there is a place I can practice nicotine/smoking abstinence in a supportive atmosphere 24/7. Smoking is completely off the table, and it feels good. It feels awesome. I am grateful. Once I surrendered to that concept everything started getting better fast. Love yourself too much to smoke. Be proud of yourself as you remake yourself. Your quit doesn't have to be terribly painful. It can be a great blessing. Astonishingly what I have discovered is that the choice of which way it will be has always been completely up to me. And you. :-) Friday 7/6/18 179 Days Quit I am almost at six months! Just a couple more days. I am very excited! I have stayed true to my word and have been counting my calories and ramping up my exercise. It will take a minute to get back to being able to go on the long walks like I used to, but I will get there! I already have planned my next big walk. It's about 9 miles and I figure will take me roughly 3- 4 hours I am thinking. I used to go for 8.5 mile walks almost every Saturday. I think it would be silly to try that right off the bat but it is a good goal. I am also starting intermittent fasting today. 16:8, 16 hours fasting, 8 hour window to eat. I am shooting for 11am to 7pm being my eating window. I will write down my progress here. Wednesday 6/27/18 170 Days Quit I went to see my endo yesterday. Number one he is encouraging me to get back to healthy eating and exercise, which is greatly needed since I have rapidly gained 22 pounds since I quit smoking. That is something I can work on and I am going to start today. I weight a whopping 244 pounds! I'm writing it down here, so it's a thing now. I will have to update here! LOL One thing we did talk about was my breathing. He brought out the pulse ox thing and measured. My lungs are working fine. He asked if I ever had trouble swallowing, and yep, I do. Then he listened to my throat as I breathed. He thinks my trachea is narrowed and that is causing the shortness of breath. So, I have been referred to an ENT to check it out and see if I have trachea stenosis... which is basically a narrowing of the trachea. I will see the ENT on July 18th. Fun! Maybe not fun, but every issue I find out about that is not a deadly and irreversible lung disease makes me happy. I can fix my weight. I can correct trachea stenosis. It's all good. Not going to smoke! No Way!! Monday 6/25/18 168 Days Quit Today we found out my husband is being laid off. His last day will be 7/28/18. I'm not smoking. Why would I? How many other quits did I wait just for something this.....worthy? of giving up my quit. Who can blame me? Since this x y or z thing happened? ^^^^ That right there is TOTAL BS. There is no reason to smoke. There never was. Since my quit I have put my 15 year old Australian Sheppard to sleep. I have found out my husbands cancer has returned, after we received an all clear. I have been in a new job that was driving me crazy and hard to learn. There is NEVER a reason to give up your quit. Never! And if you think there is you're in the wrong frame of mind. Take smoking off the table! It makes it so much easier. KYQ! Smoking is stupid and quitting is smart! Monday 6/18/18 161 Days Quit Here I am, almost at six months. That is so amazing! I started having a hard time breathing so I went to my doc and asked her to test my lung function. Turns out I have the lungs of a 47 year old, which I will take because I am 51! Ha! I am just fat. I've gained 20 pounds since I stopped smoking. Yikes! That is something I can fix though. I need to buckle down and start fixing that. It feels the same as my quit date. I hemmed and hawed. You really just have to pick a date and go! It's not today, I'm not prepared with the proper shopping, etc. But I think next Monday, the 25th, I am going to start counting my calories, etc., to try to take care of this new problem. I am so thrilled that my problem is a few extra pounds, and not a lung disease. KYQ!!!! Thursday 6/14/18 157 Days Quit I am still surprised to see all this time piling up behind me and I have not had one single puff. I am surprised that I've made it this far. I'm surprised at how much easier it has become. I am surprised that I waited so long to do something so beneficial on so many different levels... and outright deadly to me to continue. Why??? After you've dug in to your quit. After you have some time behind you, all you will regret is that you didn't do it sooner. Saturday 5/19/18 131 Days Quit I still feel good. Happy that I quit. Take it off the table. It is a short cut to success. It doesn't bother me much anymore because when it does float through my brain I instantly dismiss it. There is nothing to think about because nothing will make me smoke. KYQ. Friday 4/20/18 102 Days Quit Excited I made it to the elders lodge. I can honestly say that I rarely even think about smoking, and when I do it is either in a good way, happy I quit, or if a crave does hit it is easy to brush it off. Often I am so surprised to have the thought come through my mind it makes me laugh at how sneaky it can be. Very occasionally a romancing kind of thought strolls through my head. Like I miss an old friend. Or like I remember them fondly. I do not. And when that happens I remind myself that they are indiscriminate killers, and that I hated being an outcast to get my fix of the stinky things. and how they choked me. How I would deny serious signs of ongoing health risk. That is crazy. I don't remember them fondly. Truth, blunt and uncoated, continues to be my best armor. But.... spring is springing. It really is getting easier every day. I feel really strong when those moments hit. I feel so grateful that I think I finally get it. Wednesday 3/28/18 79 Days Quit I am still surprised by the fact that I still have days that I really struggle for some reason. I shouldn't be surprised by that. I'm not even three months in. This will keep happening, for who knows how long. And that is normal. Some people say that you have to go through a whole year, all the seasons, all the holidays, all those normal events. You have to experience it all as a non-smoker. That makes sense to me. Still though, I am surprised some days. When the day before I was so strong and steady with my quit, then the next day my brain is arguing with me. Telling me there is NO WAY I am going to keep doing this forever. It's the addict in me lying, trying to chip away at my armor. I know that. It still surprises me. Some days I don't think about smoking at all. Or I think about it a lot, but I am thinking about how horrible they are, how happy I am to be free, how mad I am at the tobacco companies that poisoned me and addicted me. Other days I am restless all day. I find myself unconsciously reaching for my cigarettes when I get something done, when I feel stressed out, all those reasons we used to reach for a cigarette for. It upsets me and surprises me. It's harder to silence the addict in me on those days. I feel sad, and put upon. I start romancing the smoke. Blehhh! I will keep hanging on to my quit. I love seeing the counter going up everyday. I just thought maybe I should keep a tally of those bad days, just so I can see them lessening and lessening... because they WILL come less often. It's a fact. If I can give myself a way to physically see them fading away that might help my brain understand that we are not smoking anymore, EVER. Thursday 3/8/18 2 Months Quit We said goodbye to Lucky last week, and we are without any fur baby at all. First time in a very long time that was the case. I am still mourning my boxer that I lost in August of 2016. She was my girl, we went through a lot together. I still cry over her. I am sure I will still cry over Lucky in a couple of years too. My quit has become weird at points. I've forgotten why I wanted to stop. I've had craves make me angry and grumpy. I've fought with myself over the want to smoke. Q keeps me sane. I just hang out here, even when I have nothing positive to add. And when I break down and post help! help! help! a bunch of people jump in to remind me what I am doing and why, and that it's probably the best thing I can ever do for myself. Tell yourself the truth, even if you don't want to hear it and keep a goin'. That was my grandmas favorite poem. Here it is for you: Keep A-Goin'! If you strike a thorn or rose, Keep a-goin'! If it hails, or ef it snows, Keep a-goin! 'Taint no use to sit an' whine, When the fish ain't on yer line; Bait yer hook an' keep a-tryin'— Keep a-goin'! When the weather kills yer crop, Keep a-goin'! When you tumble from the top, Keep a-goin'! S'pose you're out of every dime, Bein' so ain't any crime; Tell the world you're feelin' prime— Keep a-goin'! When it looks like all is up, Keep a-goin'! Drain the sweetness from the cup, Keep a-goin'! See the wild birds on the wing, Hear the bells that sweetly ring, When you feel like sighin' sing— Keep a-goin'! Author: by Frank L. Stanton Saturday 2/24/18 47 Days Quit We went to the re-check yesterday for my husband's cancer. More tumors, they burned those away right then and there again. Now he goes through six rounds of BCG treatments. Then we wait a couple weeks, re-check, and then every six months a three round batch of BCG treatments because it keeps coming back. I am so sad. He is so sad. These treatments are not fun. He's already had two rounds (one treatment per week for six weeks) , some go well, some don't and are painful and irritating towards the end. I'm not smoking. I feel like an outsider watching my brain tell me the only thing that will fix the way I feel right now is to smoke my head off...and my brain also tell me that's crazy, and a lie. I'm kind of numb, I dont even care, and I have no desire to smoke in reality. It's just my brain that hasn't caught up to that. So strange. I feel too raw to be out there on the board, but since I posted publicly about the doctor visit I thought it would be rude to not let people know what happened. So this is the best I can do here. Tuesday 2/21/18 44 Days Quit (Update 5/18/18 I have had a couple of people explain to me that the trite, canned responses you can get back and forth can start to feel very impersonal and that turned into more of a negative for them than a positive. I can totally understand that. I am leaving the post here though, in case it ever crosses someone's else's mind on a grumpy, craving day.) I just have to say: I don't understand the folks who don't pledge any more but are happy to give out advice, sometimes in a very blunt, holier than thou, and mean way. I just don't get it. Not seeing the little pledge icon next to their name makes me feel like they are outside of the process looking down on the rest of us. I know it's just a perception, but sometimes perception is everything. I just had to vent that. Monday 2/19/18 42 Days Quit Life, the Universe, and everything. I forgot my patch last Thursday and never put another one back on. I only had like four days left of the 7 mg patches left. It's frowned upon, to get off the patch early, but I truly did not notice a difference without it. I figured if three days go by easily there is no reason to keep injecting nicotine into my system. Even the weekend wasn't an issue with out the patch. I just didn't feel any different at all. And, as I said, although it is frowned up it is also important to make your quit your quit. Everyone is different. Thursday 2/8/18 1 Month Quit That's what it says under my name today, and I look great in that party hat. I am so excited, I feel so good. It was scary the other day. But it passed. I can breathe! I can go on walks with my coworkers and talk and laugh and enjoy the sunshine and not huddle around a stinking ashtray on my breaks and lunches. That is SO awesome! My horrible, phlegm filled (sounds nasty doesn't it? IT WAS!), cough has gone. It went away very quickly, but my lungs have felt better and better each day. Now I have kind of a dry hack, but I'll take it! If anyone ever reads any of this you might get tired of reading about my phlegmy cough. But I'm going to remind myself a lot about it. It has always been the thing that made me "try" to quit. Because it was so gross, because I couldn't sit in a quiet office setting coughing and clearing my throat over and over and over again. Going to the bathroom not because I needed the facilities... I needed to HACK UP AND SPIT OUT gross mouthfuls of PHLEGM. All day, every day. So, when it would get to that point, and it always did. I was ready to quit!! And then it would go away, and I didn't take the time to surround myself with people like you gorgeous human beings on this site. I didn't take the time to remind myself why I quit. Of ALL the reasons to quit. I only was pushed to quit when I felt embarrassed because of that cough. It always terrified me a little. Knowing that something awful had to be going on with my lungs, to have a cough like that. But that didn't stop me. Only embarrassment stopped me. The cough goes away quickly, at least the worst of it. At least for me. I will keep reminding myself. If I have to write myself a note on every anniversary until I am celebrating 1000 days, I will. I will this time. Because this is my forever quit! Hooray! I can do it! It's actually pretty easy when you finally commit and take it off the table, just DFS. I'm so thankful, from the bottom of my heart (lungs?) for this site, for the people on it. IT WORKS! Learn the tools, use the tools, post, post, post! Tuesday 2/6/18 29 Days I was going to wait until tomorrow, my 30 day anniversary to write in here. And I probably will write in here tomorrow. But I wanted a record of what happened yesterday. Yesterday I was sure I was losing my mind. It started day before yesterday. I felt so foggy. I couldn't concentrate. No short term memory at ALL. Yesterday it turned into an almost full blown panic. I felt awful. Teary. Weepy. Angry at the same time. I also became very scared that my bi-polar illness was rearing it's ugly head. I was so scared I was going into an episode where I just couldn't cope. It's happened before. It hasn't happened for 10 years. So the feeling that I was heading down that road was absolutely terrifying. I came here, I posted. I called my doctor, and got an appointment weeks out. So, after a while I called my doctor again, and left a message that I believed this to be an emergency and could they please fit me in sooner. I just want people to know that there will be days that are scary. Days that you think you can't get through, but you will. And the next day will be okay. (Or it won't, but you'll deal with that the next day.) Tomorrow I anticipate I will be walking on air, anniversaries are so much fun. Especially at the beginning. I thought it was important to write down the bad days as well as the good. Friday 2/2/18 25 Days I had the most wonderful dinner with my best friend tonight. She and I quit smoking together once upon a time, she stayed quit. I didn't. She has put up with my smoking, but been a constant cheerleader for me to quit. We talked and laughed. I didn't have to rush the meal because my addict needed to be fed. My cold cleared up and my phlegm y cough is completely gone! This experience, quitting, does not have to be torturous. Pay attention to, and celebrate the truly awesome things you are gaining. I am thrilled! Monday 1/29/18 3 Weeks I'm excited to have three weeks in. Sunday 1/28/18 20 Days I told myself that when I made it three weeks I would start posting at the top of this feed instead of the bottom, so it would be easier to read each time I came back. Maybe I was supposed to do that from day one, I don't know. Ha! I want to keep it as easy as possible to keep using these tools. I just had a little moment of fright. Suddenly I thought while everything is going well and fine right now, how will I ever be able to keep up this level of vigilance? I know I don't have the energy to keep up this fight, at this level, for the rest of my life. It really scared me! Badly! Here's the thing. I don't have to. I just have to worry about today. And really, worry is a negative word. I just have to not smoke today. Don't even have to worry about it, that part is optional. As I read back over what I have written so far I can remind myself that there was a time I carried my crisis kit with me every day. A time I wrote in my evidence log and read it every day. That time passed and those things worked as intended. They will again. ************************************ Hello there. I'm not sure where to start. I've been smoking since I was 13 years old. I smoked about a pack a day. I've been trying to quit, sometimes seriously, sometime half heartedly, for over ten years. Both my parents died from COPD. All my siblings have broken the addiction that we were practically born with. I have a terrible, awful cough. I'm out of breath. Two years ago my husband was diagnosed with bladder cancer. And while his family history (dad and two uncles with it) would have you think it's genetics, it's almost ALWAYS because of smoking. My husband quit smoking almost 7 years ago. He has been begging me to quit ever since. And I have tried....with no success. I am bi-polar, and while that's no excuse at all, it can complicate quitting. I was once prescribed chantix, at the same time an eye doctor gave me prednizone, and combined with my psych meds it resulted in my first ever suicide attempt. So, that sucked. I have had small successful quits. I never smoked when I was pregnant, but I went to the hospital to deliver with a pack in my purse each time. I have quit with patches, I have quit cold turkey. Some of them have been very difficult, and very unsuccessful. Some have seemed very easy, like I had changed my mind about it and suddenly it was easy. I almost always lose my quit because I have "just one", because I"m "better now". That's all b*llsh*t!! I will never be better, I can never have just one. At least I've finally got that through my thick head. So... here I am. I want this to be my forever quit. I want to live a long and happy life with my husband and kids and eventually grandkids. So.... so far so good. I am writing this as I am 9 days quit. The only way I will start smoking again is if I put a cigarette up to my mouth. It's just that simple. Nobody will tackle me on the grass, shove a smoke in my mouth, light it and push on my chest until I smoke! When you realize that, and then guard your quit with all your might, I believe you can make it. I'm going to make it this time. I am now 12 days quit. I feel great. I am so happy I am doing this. How do I know I am doing great? Because I am thrilled that I am getting away from this killer. Not wishing I could cuddle up to it. My brain is in the right place. That makes me crazy happy. Remember this feeling.

Advice

I have struggled with being bipolar for half my life. I've been nearly completely stable for about ten years. I've spent these ten years really working on being ok, or having some control over my illness. Some things that have really worked well for that are now really helping with my quit. I use an evidence log. No speculation at all is allowed in the evidence log. Just facts. I have written down facts about smoking, about me personally, about how I feel and felt about smoking. When I need to be reminded about the truth of things I read it, or write in it. It has helped a lot. Journaling is good for you. I never knew what to write in a journal. The focus of putting just the facts about a situation gave me direction. 15 days quit now. Last night I found my "crisis kit". It's a little bag that I made when I was suffering mightily with suicidal thoughts and panic attacks. The idea is to get out of your head, where those thoughts become overwhelming. There was something for every sense in there. I had hard candies, gum, essential oil to smell. Cinnamon sticks, mint toothpicks. I had a little mp3 player and ear buds and a special play list. I had index cards that I had written truths on. Truths to battle when my head would tell me lies. I had a worry stone. I had a bunch of stuff in there! It's been a very long time since I have carried that around with me every day, but when I did and when it was needed it worked great. With that in mind I am revamping my crisis kit into a quit kit. Same idea really. Get out of your head. Shut up the nicodemon. It really did work well for me before. I imagine it will work well for this too.

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