I am so tired. I cannot seem to sleep much. All the probs with BP meds have left me feeling emotionally spent.
I am hiding from caring for two of the Lilttes today. I feel bad ... not answering texts to babysit. But I am just ignoring them. It just is not in me to tend to a 2 month old and a little firecracker 2 yr old. Who are just the best. I feel really burned out from only hearing from them when they need the Littles tended to and I am just emotionally drained.
I miss smoking, regardless of COPD, high BP etc. It was a comfort, to smoke. Not sleeping. my BP banging in my ear and waking me each morning to start my regimen of BP meds.......... I still miss the comfort of the cig. I would be lying if I did not mention it. Gotta run to WalMart. It is frigid out in Ohio land!!
50 Days not smoking seems like so little. I feel like I have been in a war.
I want to smoke! It is that simple! I am going to smoke! I need it and I want it!
Update************** Had to face the world alone! Smokes everywhere to buy and be had. I am home !! I AM A NON-SMOKER! A TRUE QUITTER. I EMBRACED MY TEARS WITH MY CESSATION COUNCILOR!! WITH STANDING IN GODS GRACE AND TINA H. I CONQUERED A HORRIBLE EMOTIONAL DAY WITHOUT THE HELP OF TOBACCO!! ANOTHER DAY WON MY EMOTIONS FEEL LIKE THEY ARE ON A FREAKING TRAMPOLINE!
Wow, didn't know if I could make it. Call from my Neighbor this morn. (Suzy). She needed me to come over, she is having a tough time with surgery, colostomy bags, and also comes depression, adjusting to new medical changes in her life. I am thinking ok, she is a smoker, can I do this? My brain says one cigarette, won't hurt. I'm not finding myself saying no, to my thoughts, of having just one"! I pray for a miracle to not smoke, very quickly a little prayer. God heard me loud and clear. Start talking with Suzy... She is afraid she might not have the bag on right etc. I said let me have a look; Did have the knowledge and some experience with them. Anyway, moving past that issue. And some butterscotch pie she had, yum. I mentioned EMS to her and high bp, and such... So she says I am running outside for a cig."
She said do not come out with me, cuz you quit". Suzy has always been the worst for enabling me. (MY OWN WILL. My OWN FAULT).
Yes indeed God said this is wiped from your brain as I sat waiting for Suzy to come back in. She came back in, we continued our chatting. Amen Amen Amen !! All I can say is Amen. Thank You GOD. Thank YOU EXers. Now I have to sit back and reflect, how easy it was to thinking it would be only one!!"""
I know better!! I am going thru Hell, because of 46 years of abusing my body with tobacco!!
Somewhere over the rainbow, Bluebirds fly. If birds can fly over over the rainbow, Then why, then why can't I (Bids fly high, why can't I) (If birds fly high, why can't I) If every little bluebirds fly (if every bird fly) Over the rainbow, Somebody tell me why, somebody tell me (If bids fly high, why can't I) Why can't I.
Crazy Morning Mare this Morn" . Seem to have weird dreams in the morn, more so than at night. I call them morning mares. Anyway I was so bummed in dream Smoking my brains out felt like it was real. I was so perplexed, trying to figure out when I picked up the first one...that spun me out of control chain smoking. I knew I had finally quit the addiction. Just couldn't remember picking up the first one... I thought I really failed my quit. I was so disappointed. In my dream I seen no reason to try again. Cuz I was enjoying it so......
This Blue Bird" (ME) Is not picking up another cigarette at anytime, ever, not one more puff, not going to happen, I choose to be a quit until the day I die!
I will soar and sing like a beautiful blue bird"
I will reap the cherries with the small pits. Happily and Merrily as often as possible. Happy Tuesday~~
Time waits for no one...Or does it? God is so good. Dean and I needed a get away. Bitter and so so sweet. We inhaled it all in. Medical news was good and important, and so, relaxing too. Dean and I, feel it rejuvenated, our souls.
If you can NOT leave me better than you found me. Please don't comment on my blogs!
Thank you. I can get toxic behaviors in my home life. I don't need it at Ex. That explains my delete last night. on BP 188/102. Being I was at a hospital for the best care for strokes. I survived, with Dr. Zadaits, love, patience and gentle guidance. No stroke! But yes smoked. Why would I come here for a slap in the face, or any other negative reason then just love"!