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2 Posts authored by: Freedomcat

Each day something new

Posted by Freedomcat Jan 12, 2019

This quit journey, so far, has been quite the adventure. Today is day 16. And as I wind down for bed, I realize just how different I feel than yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that. Each day has brought a surprise, not necessarily a welcomed surprise, but something new. 

Newness is good, it's a sign of progress, that things aren't stagnant. Change is a sign of life. 

On day 14, I began to experience some more positive changes. For one, it was the first day I didnt have a meltdown. That was huge. I have not had a meltdown since. 

And in hindsight, the meltdowns were important. I needed to cry, alot. I needed to feel panic and terror and grief and shame. I needed to learn to reach out for other supports, to access my other resources when in distress, instead of the cigarette. I needed to release some long held emotions, feel them, be seen and accepted in them, move through them. 

Each day brings with it a new challenge. Some days I hide as much as I can, not ready to face anything new that day. And that's okay. Not going outside 17 times a day is new enough sometimes. 


Today I went for a walk in the woods without smoking. That was new. Walking and smoking are so attached for me. 

Today I panicked and was caughed up in spinning scary thoughts. And was able to utilize my breathe, find compassion for that little one inside who's scared, tap into my inner strength and give myself permission to rest and relax (the spinning thoughts were about work). I was able to find my calm, my strength, without smoking. 

Today I sat down and spent time painting. Something I have wanted to do but never did when I smoked. It felt so sweet and really got me out of my head. 

Today I felt some peace. 

Today I felt contentment. 

Today I felt restless too. 

Today I had so many feels. So much newness. 


Today I was alive. 


For the first time in 19 years, I'm allowing myself to fully be here. To give myself the gift of feeling fully. Of staying instead of running. Of the possibility of healing. Space and time to find out how I want to spend my days, my moments here on earth instead of being a slave to nicotine. 


It's interesting because I'm realizing that I dont reall have a desire to smoke. What I have is a desire to escape my feelings...because they feel intolerable. Uncoupling the discomfort from a desire to smoke has been super helpful. Smoking only ensures the feeling will come.back, un healed, not dealt with. Not smoking is the only way to get freedom, to find peace. 


I understand today that this journey can't be rushed. Easier to say now that I'm out of the hell of the first 2 weeks. But I know this year will be a year or newness. Of firsts. And that wont always be easy. It might be downright painful and awful at times. And also amazing at others. 


This journey is worth it. And as my partner said to me 'let's take a chance on life'. 


Will you take a chance on life with me?


The day I quit

Posted by Freedomcat Dec 28, 2018

Today is day 1 of my quit. 16 hours, 59 minutes to be exact (according to my app). 


This morning I felt fine. Some cravings. Mostly hung in and read blogs, prayed,  coloured, listened to music, enjoyed my morning coffee and breakfast, etc. I thought...this isnt so bad!


Ha! At around 12:30pm, I started feeling wonky. Someone described it well in a blogpost. Like being in a kaleidoscope. I feel dizzy. My visual perception is off, and easily overwhelmed. My head feels full of cotton balls and fog and lead. Not very hungry and a little nauseous. Haven't had my usual morning bowel movement yet. 

Emotionally I feel excited then disappointed, over and over again. Excited about going for a smoke...something to look forward to and then immediately remembering that I choose to quit today,  and disappointment. I'm trying not to dwell there. I have been breathing, shifting my focus instead of arguing with the thoughts or let the loss overwhelm me. Instead, I have been 'playing the tape to the end'....replaying what it was actually like to smoke. And looking into the future if I smoke again. And praying. 


That was a few hours ago. I then spoke with a  friend who said..."it gets worse," "you need to change your habits," and "and if you smoke, you can always try again." 


Argh!!!! So words really threw me for a loop. 


Since then I feel like I've been running,trying to avoid the panic I started to feel. I got realy really scared that I was going to **** up. I was going to do it wrong and would find myself smoking again. So I stopped. Cried a little. Felt the panic a little. With my partner. Then realized I made a list of anxiety coping skills that I I looked at them and decided to go with feeling the support of my comfy chair, finding the safe feeling in my body and deep breathing. Getting out.of my head

..stop trying to fight those darn thought pe reframe them or whatever, but allow them to be and redirect to my senses and my body. 


People here say that we gotta stay on top of the addict voice...but when I try to do that, I get so exhausted, and really stuck up in my head, and way more panicky and confused and like I'm spinning. I think my higher voice lives in my body, not in my head. Going into the support of my body helped. And burning sage and cedar. 


I dont want to smoke. And I don't think there's one right way. The more I read on here sometimes the more scared I get that I'm getting it wrong and my mind spins with all the words and advice. But the encouragement feels good and the connection. And to write out my thoughts. 


I struggle with OCD...where my thoughts can become very obsessive and my thoughts are a tricky place to dwell. 


I'm  now at 19 hours, 11 minutes 2 seconds 


Please tell me it does get better. I know it might get worse the next couple days...but I need to hear it will get better and that I'm doing good. Thank you!

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