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15 Posts authored by: Christine13
Christine13

Prayers for Luna please.

Posted by Christine13 Aug 22, 2019

Hi, just want to ask for prayers for Luna tomorrow, she has what could be life saving surgery.  She is my daughter's 160 lb. great dane puppy, with such a loving nature.  They need all the prayers they can get.  My daughter will be transporting her to and from the vet alone!  I feel a miracle on the way!!  I will be away for the weekend at my sister's cottage.  I really wanted to fly down to be with my daughter, but she said no mom, there is nothing you can do.

It's been such an anxious week for her and for me and her family.  I know some people don't understand just what a fur baby means.  But I know there are many animal lovers here.  I want to thank you for your prayers, I leave tomorrow morning, but will keep you posted after I get back.  Love you all.  Darn it, no smoking!!!  

xoxo

Chrissie, keeping it smoke free for the weekend!!

Christine13

Sunday

Posted by Christine13 Aug 11, 2019

I just want to be free for good.  I am alone too much like some others here.  For me, it's a big trigger, to solve my loneliness with my old friend the cig.  That's just it tho, cigs were never friends, all they wanted to do was maim and kill me.  I am trying to wrap my head around my quit and why I want to stay quit.

My Reasons for staying quit.

 

1. To look and smell better.

2. To be healthier.

3. whiter teeth

4. fresh breath

5.To set a good example.

6. To be proud of myself.

7. To avoid COPD, and CANCER , STROKE, HEART ATTACK, ORAL CANCER, GUM DISEASE

8;. To be calmer.

9. Save money

10. To extend my life

 

Honestly Chris (talking to myself) isn't it time you got real about this addiction and what it's done to you.  The only way out is through, you've got to solve this issue once and for all.  The only way out is through.  The only way out is to never take another puff, like Joel said.  So I'll keep it simple, and keep them out of my face.

Christine13

Low dose CT scan

Posted by Christine13 Jun 24, 2019

I have to go for a low dose CT scan July 9th.  My doctor says they will do a series of three of them, so not to be alarmed.  I hope I have good luck with this.  It will be what it will be.  I have 48 years of smoking behind me, it will be a miracle if they don't find anything.  It was actually my Dr. that suggested it at my complete physical.  I didn't even have to ask.  Hoping all will be good.

Every time I come here there is always someone who has a blog that helps me.  Marilyn and Sherri yours really spoke to me.  I did have 4 puffs of a cigarette this morning.  I was angry with myself.  My mind went to Brian struggling to breathe in the hospital that day.  I realized that's not what I wanted.  Somehow I must break the habit and pattern of serial quitting and I think I can do it now.

Down deep my want to stop is strong, it's the nicotine junkie's lies that bring me back.  Right now, I am looking for comfort.  I thought the cigs were doing that for me, but it was just a LIE.  I will have to learn another way to self sooth and find the comfort I need.

I have no more cigs here, I ran them all under water and squished them up.  Today, I feel lousy.  Not because of not smoking tho, just lost and trying to find a new normal, without Brian.  The grief is less than it was.  I have a good chance of making it now.

 

I will stay close.  I'm here everyday.  I will try to blog more.  

 

xo

Today I woke up and had real stinking thinking, but changed my mind about it and got distracted and changed my patch.  I am working hard at keeping this quit.  I know with just one puff I loose it all.  Just don't take that first puff today.  There are so many other better things to do than smoke.  Smoking was my constant companion for 47 years.  It's going to take me some time to get used to my new life without them. Someday I hope to actually be an elder here.  It won't happen if I keep returning to my vice.

Christine13

Another Day Wow!!

Posted by Christine13 Mar 26, 2019

It's another day in my quit.  It's going good, the wellbutrin is helping me, and I'm keeping busy and distracted.

WoW, I am getting this!!  I was having some junkie thinking this morning, but I got up and did up my dishes, and the thoughts went away.  I worked hard to prepare for this quit, and it's paying off.  I like my new smoke free life.

Christine13

Getting through Saturday.

Posted by Christine13 Mar 16, 2019

I had a massive crave this morning, but got through it.  I was lying on the couch and watching a movie, and it's all I could do to just stay there and let the feeling pass but it did.  I know it will always pass if I just don't feed it.

Saturday is quite often a bad day for me, because everyone is busy for the weekend.  However, I'm going to fill my day with some housework, and then after that do some reading or crocheting or doodling as a reward.  I'm noticing too that my grief for Brian is stronger during the season changes.  Sometimes I just feel so lost without him, and my cigs.

I've had a busy last weekend, with my Dad's 90th surprise party, it was a huge success.  Monday I went to see my grief councillor.  That girl is old enough to be my daughter, and we have such a great connection and she always makes me feel like a million bucks!!  I have been also busy with friends and family a ton of phone calls.  Some with good news others not so much.  I am trying to be there for everyone!!  I hope I can get myself organized for my trip Dec. 27th and still enjoy the Christmas season even without Brian.  My neighbour called me tonight to invite me out to the legion with her husband and the neighbour who also lost his wife last year at this time.  i usually try and restrict my activities, but I said yes today when she called!!!  It's coming up a New Year soon.  I'm dreading it and looking forward to it at the same time!!  Onward and Upward, life is good, eat it up!!!  Especially without the cigs!!

I am so blessed to know all of you here at EX.  Thank you for your patience and kindness!!

xoxo

Chrissy

Christine13

Good Day

Posted by Christine13 Nov 15, 2018

Good Day today, I didn't smoke.  was out to my Yoga class.  I have been having a tough time again.  My head keeps giving me indecision, yet I know this is the best thing for me.  One moment I want to smoke, the next I don't.  I want this to be easier, but it just isn't.  I go out and my head says sure, stop buy a pack, you don't really want to stop smoking even if the Dr. says you must.  I MUST do this, and not give in.  There are so many better things to do with my time and energy.  My neighbour was with me today, and she reaked of smoke.  It made me feel revolted to know I stank like that!!  She asked me if I wanted a smoke on the way home, I said no thanks.  

 

I smell clean, I have kids to live for.  They need me even tho they are grown.  I know they love me.  So today the thought that keeps me going is I have to live for them, and do my best.  Christmas will be weird this year without Brian,   I am making it through this one step, one day at a time.  For everyone here, thank you. 

There are times when, I say what the heck?  I want to smoke!!  There are times when I feel the pull to go get some.  I was sure feeling that way this morning.  Glad I didn't go.  I even gassed up the car the other day, and didn't buy any, but I bought a Lotto Ticket instead.

I have decided to work this quit for everything I am worth!  I can be the only one to choose not to smoke at any given time.  That means I must commit. I am afraid of commitment.  Does that make sense?  To thine own self be true.

  I WILL NOT SMOKE!!!!  It's up to me, to remain quit.  I am responsible for my quit!!

No one else.  

Christine13

What a great weekend!

Posted by Christine13 Apr 22, 2018

I'm excited to say it's been a great weekend.  Learning to be independent and make my days work for me.

Yesterday I went out and got gas in the car, where I usually go.  The clerk asked if I wanted cigarettes and I said no thanks I've quit.  It felt so good not to get any.  Anyway, did groceries, came home and put them away.  Then I decided to hire a lawn care guy for spring cleanup and mowing, so I can devote my time to the gardens.  That was a big decision to spend money to help me take care of me.  Coming up May 11th will be what would have been Brian's and my 44th anniversary.  Last week I went downtown and applied for my passport.  I'm hoping to be outta here on May 10th to see my daughter and her family.  I really want to stay smoke free, but have a lot of inner turmoil about it.  I will get through each day, focusing on what I know is true, smoke free is the only way I want to be.

I will be anxious about handling the big airports, I've never been on a big trip before alone. As for today, my sister and brother-in-law and my parents will be coming for coffee and snacks.  All of YOU and my family continues to pull me through each day, and I thank you all so much for that!

Love and blessings to each one of you!

Just went to see my councillor.  That girl is really great!!  We really connect.  She is helping me heal.

It's a great day to be smoke free!!  

Christine13

Why?

Posted by Christine13 Apr 8, 2018

Why do I get days like I just can't or won't do anything to help myself out?  Yesterday and today have been heavy grieving days and I went and bought cigarettes.  I smoked seven last night and had another four today.  My therapist actually said I should smoke right now to get through this difficult period, she said my mental health was more important than my physical health right now.  She said without my mental health I have nothing.  I can't afford to break down, but I feel she should have supported me with my decision.  My oral pathologist wants to see me in another 3 months.  I am close to tears again here today.  I have to stop this madness.  I don't feel strong right now at all.

So........I know smoking doesn't help a darn thing, I am close to loosing it, and I'm going forward with my quit.

I don't get her rational, without my physical health I'm screwed too.  That could mean my life!!  My life is more important to me!!  I am feeling stressed and pressured.  I know when I am quit I feel better about myself so I'm going forward with that.  I will feel my feelings and get through it somehow, without smoking!!  I need to learn a new life, without Brian and without going to my crutch.  Thanks for listening I need to decide what to do here in order to make my quit a priority.  Oddly enough I don't want to deal with grieving either, I want a magic pill that will make my heart and soul feel better.  There is no magic pill to make things better.  God be with me.

Happy Valentine's Day!  Quit day for me today.  As all of you know I don't have my Forever Man with me anymore, but I sure as heck can honour his memory by doing the thing that was most important to him, and quit this stinking addiction for good!  I am mad as HELL at myself that I haven't been able to keep quit.  So for myself, for my kids, grandkids and the new great grandbaby on the way, I CHOOSE to kick that NICODEMON in the butt today, and say NO more you can't have me anymore.  I'm fighting mad, I'm mad at myself, but by GOD, I will do this now, No more freaken excuses.  When I see what Ellen has been through recently with her husband I am astounded, and inspired by her strength, and she never returned to the smokes!

I will use the patch and nicotine lozenges as needed.  I will make something good out of this sad day.

Life is good if you make it that way!  I am grateful to all my EX friends here for putting up with me for so long!!

Love you all!!

Good Morning fellow Ex's.  I'm happy this morning because I am free from the smokes.  Everything is getting better now and Brian's fractured leg is starting to heal.  He still has to do physio and it will take another 5-8 weeks before he can start walking again.  Finally, finally, I can see my way through all this and I know keeping quit is the best thing to do.  I have an appointment coming up with an oral pathologist.  Those are the experts on finding oral cancer.  A couple of spots along my gums have changed.  MORE reason to keep my quit, and I'm praying for good news Oct. 30th.

I won't find out until evening as my appointment is 7:15 p.m.  Quitting and staying quit are my only options.

I WILL, delay, distract, deep breathe through my cravings and will be drinking a ton of water.  

I am hoping to get to Yoga class today as everything here is getting better, as long as I'm not too tired today.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day, because I plan on it!!

xo

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