I relapsed. It has taken me a week to gather the courage to come back here to post this. I am so disappointed in myself and I feel like an idiot for being so excited about quitting. I feel really bad for letting everyone here down too. You guys have been so helpful and the support has been overwhelming. I feel like a liar, a hypocrite and a fake. People say not to beat yourself up, and I know they're right, so I'm trying to be proactive. I WAS really proud to have stopped and I SHOULD be really proud for what I was able to accomplish. Anyone who relapses, even a million times over, should cherish the days and weeks and months they go without smoking. I know my body is thrilled that it had that time to clean up a bit.
I made it 7 whole days with no smoking, and at the late night end of my eighth day I caved. It was like some alien took over full control out of nowhere. I felt crazed. I smoked one cigarette and it led, as it always does, to full blown relapse. I want out of this hell cycle of quitting and relapsing and quitting and relapsing.
So...what did I do wrong?
For starters, I got WAAAAAY over-confident. So much so I stopped taking the Chantix since I figured it was no longer really necessary. Bad move. I've never been one to adhere to medications for very long, but this was a big huge error. If I'm going to use the stuff to successfully quit, I need to stick to it. Period. So I'm talking with my GP about it which is a good thing.
The second mistake I made was very conscious. In that moment of crazed crave, I CONSCIOUSLY decided to NOT do any of the things I knew would prevent me from taking a hit - brushing my teeth, going outside for a minute, coming to the site to talk to you guys about my intense craving. I literally told myself, "You don't need that. Just have a smoke. You get one life to live and so why not do what you want in the moment. You'll quit again. You always do." And I remembered the little play I read on here about the nicodemon and I cried and smoked anyway. I repeat this every time I light up. It does make me hate myself. But, pity party is not really my thing, so it begs the question...
What do I do about it now?
-Well...I'm back here. I don't really think about it as 'square one'. It's a process to start smoking, and it's a process to quit. So I'm still here in the process. I smoked. I'm going to stop again. I want to stop. I NEED to stop. And it makes me feel good about myself when I do stop.
-I think taking a couple of days to practice routine changes and harm reduction techniques will do me some good. Talking to my doctor about re-starting the chantix - and then STICKING TO IT - will also do good.
-Making the conscious choice to NOT come to this site when I OBVIOUSLY needed to was entirely on me. Folks here say repeatedly "Stay close" and now I know why. So, I need to just do that.
-And, though he may not love the idea, asking that my husband smoke outside for a while is probably going to be a necessity if I want to make this a permanent quit. I desperately want to be a non-smoker again, unfortunately I will never be a 'never smoker'.
Monday is my new 'Day 1'. Maybe I can call it "Day 1 v.3k.2". Hahaha! That gives me a solid 5 days, including today, to get my head back in the game. I can do it. I know I can.