indingrl

Quite Time 

Blog Post created by indingrl on Feb 10, 2021

Quite Time - please I am talking about ME not YOU or anybody else

It seems there is NO perfect way to accept MY ma slowing dying in hospice for 7 months - varying degrees of emotional upsets or feeling thinking is different for ALL humans dealing with a dying loved one - no blueprint on DEATH and it is NOT handled ONE way - and I did MY research and read and read and read on peoples EXperience and NONE were cookie cutter EXamples and I learned and KNOW that it is different for EVERYBODY and - it seems for ME - I just sit quite in this time and reflect MY relationship with MY ma - different stages of OUR lives and the times of how WE as an individual CHANGED and then the grace of aging

Now I am at 64 years old and mama just turned 89 on February 4th and now - MY bones have aches and pain - in the past - MY ma tried to share with ME -  how her body hurt and her arthritis was HORRIBLE and I didn't LISTEN then - I NEEDED to go smoke and MY ma would say - are YOU smoking again OR are YOU still smoking OR are YOU having ANOTHER cigarette - and she would ask ME to QUIT smoking and  - I never realized how MY NICOTINE ADDICTION robbed ME of the moments MY mama was TRYING to share her EXperience as her body was aging - that was then and this is NOW and MY lesson LEARNED and I will be moving on to this present time

I am a NON SMOKER and I am NOT eating cakes or pies or donuts to NUMB MYSELF - just like in MY PAST -   when I smoke 50 cigs in a DAY - 50 cigs to cope with ME - and now - I just sit in the QUIET time and continue praying for MY mama and all our family and by just telling MYSELF -  to breathe in and out - as saddness has its way in ME and moves on

I am very grateful that I don't think about smoking or eating donuts - that was MY old mindset and NOW -  I have a NEW mindset - I pray and continue praying to walk in MY NEW NON SMOKER LIFE STYLE

I think about MY mama and she does KNOW today that I am a NOW SMOKER for 10 years

I think of sending her some MORE flowers

I think of how MY mama will enjoy those flowers NOW - while she is ALIVE and to see them and smell them and to let MY mama know she is loved and missed and NOT ALONE in her QUITE TIME of waiting

TODAY - I am in this quite time - MORE comfortable in MY OWN heart then I have ever been and  -  I believe TODAY is a GOOD day to just enjoy this quiteness

in MY Lord Jesus name amen

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