It has been nearly a year since I decided to quit smoking. For good. This time it’s for real. For the record, and before anybody gets too excited and offers congratulations – I do not have a year of freedom from nicotine. Nowhere even close. Yet.
I was one month in to a new job and figured that the steepest part of the learning curve was behind me. I wanted quit before I developed any ingrained habits or triggers. I wanted to quit before I was discovered as a closet smoker. I wanted to quit before it was too late; although I never stopped to consider what I meant by “too late”.
My mother smoked up until the moment her cancer robbed her of the ability to hold a cigarette. Obviously, she waited too long. So what was I thinking? I know that just because I quit smoking today, it won’t guarantee a cancer free tomorrow. I know that the next puff I take could be the one that’s starts cells mutating into cancer. I know that sooner is better. We all know this, right?
I have been struggling with this quit for nearly a year. I struggle because the pull of addiction is more urgent than the desire to be smoke-free. I struggle because I am still learning not to bargain with addiction. I struggle because I am just too damn stubborn to ask live people who are all around me for their support and encouragement. I struggle because I’m not sick, yet. I’m struggling because I have found ways to justify “just one”.
As each month has past, I played the game of Shoulda/Woulda/Coulda. I shoulda stopped smoking on my quit date. I woulda have had 30 days DOF if I did. I coulda been a year quit by now.
I have no excuses and I’m not trying to make any. I am trying to figure out what I need to do next, and I think that entails better tools for the “just one” thoughts. Because one is too many and a thousand aren’t enough. Because I am tired of quitting and want to be quit.
Keep the quit
PT
Maybe put Post-Its around with the quotes about "just one" on them - to serve as a constant reminder that there is never such a thing to an addict?
You might include:
The Law of Addiction states, "Administration of a drug to an addict will cause re-establishment of chemical dependence upon the addictive substance."
There is never "just one" cigarette - they travel in packs!
My brain sensitized to nicotine will never allow me to stop with just one.
Another Day One from Just One!
Maybe you can add to this list?