I find inspiration for these blogs in the oddest places –because I look for inspiration in the oddest places. I used up all the logical topics by the 30th blog. Now I am casting about trying to find a topic I can pummel into some semblance of an essay. Looking hard for a topic is much easier than digging deep inside and writing about why I allowed myself to get addicted to cigarettes and why I am resisting quitting.
Writing 90 in 90 doesn’t exactly sound like a person resisting a quit, right? Believe me, writing about nothing is easy. Writing something light, bright, and trite is, well… is not easy, certainly, but it isn’t painful, either. I hate to admit this, but the painful blogs to write were also the blogs that helped me the most. They helped me see what I was doing to sabotage my own good health.
Part of my sabotage is my own anger. I didn’t realize this until I had a meltdown on a calorie counting site. On-line meltdowns are the worst because you can't shout. I was melting down over something minor and the community was trying to be helpful. I assume they were trying to be helpful but all they were doing was missing the point of my question and pissing me off. Instead of just saying “bless your heart” and walking away (which is how I was raised), I gave a blistering remark, bruising my thumb in the process by pounding on the keyboard so hard. I physically damaged myself in an internet fight. Who does that? As it turns out, and to my great shame, I do that.
I don’t handle frustration well. I get annoyed because I cannot accept the things I cannot change. Nicotine is never going to be non-addictive. Smoking is never going to be healthy. Chocolate is never going to be a diet food. Veggies are never going to taste good. The only thing I can change; the ONLY THING I can change is me. I really don’t want to admit that because I don’t want to change.
Right now, I am going to acknowledge my intransigence. I acknowledge that being stubborn has helped me in that past. Being stubborn helped me withstand an onslaught of negative experiences. I can honor that past and be thankful for that characteristic. I can also allow myself to change.
Change the habits
Keep the quit