Feelings   70/90

Blog Post created by PastTense on Feb 13, 2020

I saw a question yesterday by 5Jacks  that I found intriguing and have been pondering rather obsessively. “What part of smoking did you find satisfying?”

I want to explore that aspect of this addiction, and I know I need to tread very softly through this particular minefield. I don’t want to romanticize smoking or get nostalgic for it. Smoking is the dreadful ex-boyfriend that was hard on your heart, your furniture, and your credit rating but was able to make you laugh just often enough to keep you coming back for more. Remembering the fun times does not negate awfulness of the whole relationship.

Part of the satisfaction of smoking is the nicotine addiction, obviously. The minute the withdrawal from nicotine becomes too great, boom! A cigarette provides instant gratification. Smoking was much, much more than just the delivery system of my drug of choice, though. The more pleasure associated with an addiction, the harder it is to break.

Aside from satisfying a craving, smoking was also the punctuation of life. Just as a sentence always ends with a period; a task always end with cigarette. That’s actually a pretty good analogy. Smoking provides breaks and even exclamation. I am just now shaking the feeling that I have left something undone when I finish a chore or a project. I hate that unsettled feeling. It took me a while to recognize what it was and why I had it.

The hardest satisfaction to break from has been the “ME Time” feeling. Definitely the allure of smoking (when I was out about it), was breaking away from the bustle of the house, retreating to the back deck, and carving out 10 blissful moments of all-about-me. As a closet smoker, I had to find more secure places of retreat, but the feeling of being totally, happily alone was the same. I have not yet found the substitute for this, but now that I have aired it out in the open, perhaps inspiration will find an option.

Please don’t tell me how I ought to feel about smoking. I respect my feelings and acknowledge that they aren’t right or wrong. I won’t dishonor them by dismissing them. Being honest with myself is the only way I will get a quit to stick. And that’s what I am here for.

Keep the Quit