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Posted by indingrl.01.06.2011 Dec 31, 2019

JANUARY 6- 2020 - ONLY BY GOD'S GRACE - should MY Lord Jesus tarry - COUNTDOWN FOR ME - JANUARY 6- 2020 - please I am talking about ME -  not anyone else - please take what HELPS and let go of the rest -to be HELPFUL is MY only aim -  thank you - YES - YES - YES - I am so - XCITED TO BE AN XSMOKER and a FAMILY MEMBER of this site since - OCTOBER 2010 and also a family member of - blessings to Joel S at that site - excellent book he wrote - NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF EVER and in MY Daddy Gods love - I love EVERYBODY here - it is written - God is love  - God's grace has given ME HIS love for MYSELF and EVERYBODY here - EVERYBODY IS EVERYONE HERE - in HIS love - I thank EVERYBODY for teaching ME to live in - TODAY- December 31, 2019 - YET - I just get sooooo VERY xcited about being  ALIVE INSIDE OF ME -  SO GRATEFUL to MY God for letting ME - live as a NON SMOKER -  TODAY- it is ALL I have - YESTERDAY is gone - tomorrow is NOT here YET  - MY TODAY is a gift from - MY God blessing ME with EVERYBODY HERE - TODAY - MY present is - MY learning from EVERYBODY in MY Lord Jesus name amen - Thanks for letting ME share MY experience strength and HOPE with EVERYBODY here - TODAY YOU NEVER know -  it may be MY lastSUDDENLY happens - it has been 4 months TODAY that MY adopted 27 year old son was killed in a SUDDENLY motorcycle accident and ONLY by MY God's grace - I didn't use HIS death as an excuse to suck on death sticks - I prayed and came here to blog BEFORE - I took that first puff - THANK YOU EVERYBODY for teaching ME - to blog FIRST - YOUR blogs which have and continue teaching ME SINAO - Smoking Is Not An Option - no matter what life on life's terms - SUDDENLY happens to EVERYBODY - even to ME - thank YOU to EVERYBODY for keeping ME - open- minded and growing by YOUR examples and HEALING by MY Daddy God's unconditional love -  that I receive from EVERYBODY here - by YOUR being MY living examples for ME to follow OR make a NEW CHOICE to change OR to take the simple SUGGESTION - to just breathe slowly  -  and EVERYBODY personal  BLOGS-  teaching ME - to pray for the willingness to be willing to learn from EVERYBODY here and learn how to keep  acceptance - to LEARN more and more - acceptance - to living a joy filled DAY- ONE MOMENT at a time  - in the midst of storms while - taking the hit of SUDDENLY  and to keep moving forward - THANKS EVERYBODY - in MY Lord Jesus name amen 

New Year's Eve tomorrow and New Year's resolutions to start the day after.

I have found an online exercise class and signed up for that.  I have to lose this quit weight.

2020 will be the first year in decades that I don't have Quit Smoking as my number one resolution.

I will still be working on my quit, just differently.  Now my resolution is to  Maintain a Smoke Free Life, because I know that this quit is still too new and fragile not to be a priority.  


Strong or fragile, keep the quit




Nearly 5 days

Posted by mpnaegle Dec 30, 2019

I had some problems over the fall.  I stayed away from this site because I was ashamed.  Lost my quit toward the end of October, but on December 26th I put on a patch and am back on the wagon.  So far it has been easy to put them down.  Thankfully I have been off from work for the most part, so there hasn’t been a lot of stress to deal with.  I am glad to be back and this time I can and will stay quit.  

Finally home.  There is nothing like being in your own house after visiting with other people for a week.  We had nothing but gracious hosts and good food, but I just want to shlep around in my pjs.  The sweet comfort home.

Of course, as soon as we pulled in to the driveway I was hit with a monster crave.  I know how to deal with these now.  

Don't have any cigarettes around and you won't smoke them.  It seems so obvious and yet took me so long to put into practice.


Keep the quit


By God's grace -  I was given this NEW day - December 28 , 2019 - I say MY prayers and ask MY God for HIS will in MY life - above ALL I ask - I desire HIS will and plan and purpose this DAY for ME - please take what HELPS and let go of the rest - to be HELPFUL is MY only aim - thank you - in MY most precious memory of MY NICOTINE ADDICTION - was HOW ignorant I was when smoking - I learned from MY blood family to smoke -  MY blood family generations were RAISED in ADDICTIONS of many many varieties for YEARS - for ME - I choose to receive God's free gift of eternal salvation on November 6, 1986 - throughout MY intimate relationship with MY God - HE has been WORKING inside of ME - transforming MY character and MY heart into HIS love - joy - peace -  YET I would NOT stop smoking - at home Bible study -I was sucking down 50 death sticks a DAY while reading and studying the Bible - MY ignorance - I believed I would NOT suffer the consequences of smoking like other humans because I was saved - then I saw a t.v. commerical when a man tried to quit smoking and he was TRYING to drink a cup of coffee but he kept missing his mouth and the voice said it is hard at first to re- learn-  how to do things without smoking  - I laughed and thought to MYSELF poor thing - the ad was from and so I came to research this site on october 2010 and read the blogs and took the SUGGESTIONS all while TRYING to quit smoking on MY OWN and being on this site every DAY and I watched the early death video's at - the elders here SUGGESTED I go watch them - I got down to 2 - 3 smokes a DAY from 50 a DAY on MY OWN - then 2 - 3 lead right back to buying another pack -until I surrendered to MY God - I fell to MY knees on the kitchen floor and cried out - Dear Jesus - if you don't take these cigs from ME I will smoke them until I drop dead in Jesus name amen - then I woke up the next DAY on January 6 , 2011 - COLD TURKEY QUIT - I have been on this site since October 2010 - this is MY RECOVERY from NICOTINE ADDICTION - I am talking about ME - in 9 days only by God's grace I will celebrate MY God's grace love and tender mercies - STOP - the date is December 28 , 2019 - just for TODAY - it is the ONLY MOMENT - I have to continue - LIVING JOY FILLED IN MY NON SMOKER LIFE STYLE - this DAY is FILLED with memories - full of gratitude - no more smoking at PEOPLE -  no more smoking emotionally filled with rage out of OLD habits OLD patterns - no MORE rewarding MYSELF sucking on death because I cleaned the house OR I just finished exercising - NO MORE coping with MY life on life's terms with sucking on 50 cigs in this DAY only - I am truly set FREE from MY NICOTINE ADDICTION this MOMENT - you NEVER know it may be MY last moment and one of MY legacies - she died a  JOY filled non smoker HELPING others by SHARING her experience and strength and hope - just like what was given to her - FREELY GIVEN


Festivities 23/90

Posted by PastTense Dec 27, 2019

We had our last Christmas celebration today.  Nothing fancy, just good food, some mixed drinks, games, toys and puzzles.  I'm starting to feel the post-Christmas let down already.  I always get a little depressed after the holidays.  We've burned our candle at both ends this year to be every where and see every one.

Now it's back to the workaday world and so much cleaning!! :-)

 I am very grateful that not one minute of my precious holiday was spent looking for ways to smoke.  I could just enjoy the company or help out in the kitchen or work on the puzzle and be aware of the moment.  

This is a small victory for me, but a good one.

Small victories add up to win the war.



We are staying with friends for Christmas this year.  Alas, our friend is an excellent hostess, as well as being a good cook and crafty.  There are delicious treats at every turn.  Carmel corn, and beautifully decorated gingerbread men, and homemade buckeye candies (peanut butter balls dipped in chocolate for those non from the Midwest), and cheese and crackers, and even a veggie plate.  I have nibbled and tasted and snacked non stop for 3 days.  I could explode, and I keep on eating.  I can resist anything but temptation

All of it is delicious but none of it is necessary 

It's time to go on a diet.  But not until January




Comfort 21/90

Posted by PastTense Dec 25, 2019

I used smoking in the past as a method of self soothing.  It has been a challenge to figure out other ways to sooth.

I was thinking about this yesterday as we drove in the freezing fog for 10 hours.  Why would smoking be soothing?  I've heard many people (raises hand to be included) who have said that they smoked when stressed.  That is calmed them down.

I've seen the actual science on this, and know that smoking actually increases stress.

So why would so many of us feel like smoking helps with stress?  Probably because of withdrawal.

I know I was never in a position to be a chain smoker.  I could only smoke every 3 to 4 hours.  Your body goes into withdrawal almost immediately after you finish a cigarette.  By the time I could smoke, the withdrawal was intense.  That first puff on a cigarrette brought immediate relief from the withdrawal symptoms.  That feeling of relief is just like a feeling of comfort.  We have conditioned our bodies to seek a cigarette when we want stress relief because smoking gave us releif from withdrawal.  

This was an AHa moment for me, because I am still looking for the feeling of comfort and relief.  

Not sure how I am going to fix this - or maybe it's just a matter of outlasting it.  

Knowing is always helpful.


Merry Christmas, all y'all

Keep the quit



I just finished the last updates at work.  I'm waiting on one more report to run and then I am out the door.

We leave for our trip tomorrow morning at 5 am.  Oh joy.

I have packed gum and mints and NRT patches and a stress ball (for when hubby drives), but I will miss the structure of my work day.  I have faced down most of the triggers that pop up during the day-to-day. 

Not sure what triggers are waiting for me over the next week, so I am trying to prepare for the unknown.

I am taking my laptop with me so I can continue to check in. 

Happy holidays and keep the quit



Nearly there 20/90

Posted by PastTense Dec 22, 2019

I finished my last few errands before Christmas this afternoon.  Note to the wise- do not run out of laundry soap the last weekend before Christmas.  People were friendly and the sun was shining, so it wasn't all bad, but mother of pearl, the LINES!!!

I'll be packed up and heading out to see family and I am over the moon.  I'll have a clean conscience and sweet smelling hair when I see them.  I am anxious about the holiday and trip (normal for me) but not anxious about smoking.

The longest journey begins with the first step




Still going strong

Posted by Rallyqueen917 Dec 22, 2019

Happy to report that I am still going strong. As far as smoking being on my mind constantly I find that I was more concerned about it than it is actually happening. My cousin continues to be respectful and I am trying to turn her into an EXer.  I’m not saying that there haven’t been a few challenges but I made the right decision and that feeling far outweighs anything else.  Knowing that I can face challenges and continue to overcome just makes me stronger. Plus the positivity, advice and support I receive from everyone here has also been very helpful. I want to thank everyone in excommunity for having this wonderful forum where we can share our highs and lows, fears and triumphs and voices.  Quitting is really a journey you cannot take alone. You need a community.  

Staying strong to live another day!! 

Rallyqueen SSF (Staying Smoke Free)



Posted by indingrl.01.06.2011 Dec 21, 2019

Please talking about ME not anyone else - please take what HELPS and let go of the rest - to be HELPFUL is MY only aim- thank you - a lady asked ME to meet her at a support group and she was a NO show- I had a good meeting - then -  I went to visit - family and left after 20 minutes - due to dysfunctions of growing up in an alcoholic home  -  then I went and finished shopping for family gifts -  next I returned home and was very grateful - I got home safe and am a very grateful - NON SMOKER - through the silly season with drivers who use no turn signals whether turning or merging  - people NOT willing to move over a little in an aisle while shopping - thanks for letting ME vent- I am so joy filled-  I live ONE silly season DAY at a time - gentle hug


Darkest Day 18/90

Posted by PastTense Dec 21, 2019

Happy Winter Solstice to all the members of Ex.  Today marks the darkest (fewest hours of daylight) in the Northern Hemisphere.  You know what that means?  Starting tomorrow, every day will be just a tiny bit lighter for a tiny bit longer.

Who can see the metaphor coming?  yeah, yeah

Just like quitting, it gets dark before it gets bright.  Once you throw away the smokes, it gets a tiny bit easier for a tiny bit longer every day.  Until suddenly - you are a non-smoker.

Good job!




Headaches  17/90

Posted by PastTense Dec 20, 2019

I am a walking headache today.  I have had a dull pressure especially around my eyes and temples.

I know that smoking did a number on my sinuses - but quitting hasn't been any easier to them.

Today seems worse for some reason.  Maybe because it's so darn cold outside.

Could be the amount of sugar I have consumed today, too.  Everybody brought in pre-Christmas treats to share and I have done my best to sample everything.

Maybe it's just Friday and it's been an intense week and I am ready to relax.

I accept that this headache is temporary and caused by smoking, even if it didn't start until after I quit. 

I'll breath in some steam tonight to get some releif and a good night's sleep and hope that tomorrow is easier.



EOY - End of Year 16/90

Posted by PastTense Dec 19, 2019

Work has been the typical End of Year rush to push as much production out at the end of year as possible.

It's all about being able to send an invoice and claim the earnings for the end of the year.

In past years I worked through lunch and stayed late to get everything done.

This year I have been able to stay on top of all the invoices and not work 10 -12 hours a day.  I've worked several 9 hour days; but that is so much easier than twelve!

The biggest difference is not taking smoke breaks, but I am wondering about the math on that.

I certainly didn't take 4 hours worth of smoke breaks.  I'm wondering how I am saving two or three hours a day.

Some of it is clearly just the time spent away from my desk.  But there is also the time it takes to remember where you were and what you were doing when you get back to your desk.  Or the people you chat with in the hall on the way.

Maybe it's just the focus on the work and not counting the minutes until I can take a break?  Not sure how all that adds up, but I'm counting it as another win!




Counting Blessings

Posted by nevergiveup Dec 19, 2019

I've found myself grumbling to myself lately WAY more than I want to. Not much different in a way than quitting smoking in that breaking habits/changing mindset takes work. Anyway, this little guy, my first and only grandson is back home with his mom, my youngest daughter from Tuscon, AZ. Bummed for both of them that her situation didn't work out, but ecstatic that they are close by and will be each and every day going forward.

Beyond blessed, Martha


Date Night! 15/90

Posted by PastTense Dec 18, 2019

Every Wednesday night for the past 6 years has been Date Night for my husband and I. 

We are fortunate in so many ways.  1) We have the means to go out once a week and dance   2) We have the health to go out once a week and dance  3) We still like each other enough to go out once a week and dance :-) 

I do not take all those blessings for granted.  Not for a moment do I forget that I have the options open to me that other people do not.  Sure, we have to tighten the budget in other areas to make this work, but we beleive the benefits are more than worth the price.

I look forward to date night as a non-smoker.  I don't have to worry about mint gum, odor spray, whether my hair smells like an ashtray, scrubbing my hands one more time to get the stains off. 

I comb my hair, add some lipstick, and off we go!

Just reminding myself of the little benefits of quitting smoking that add up and up and up




New quit date december 20

Posted by Dani2154 Dec 18, 2019

My new quit attempt will be on December 20, 2019. I choose Friday because I will have things to do for the weekend and be busy more of the time. The first three days are the hardest as I heard, so I will choose days when I am busy and have more distractions. Hope it works!


Very Helpful

Posted by Christine13 Dec 18, 2019

It's very helpful for me to come here everyday to check out all the blogs and inspirations going on here at EX.

I love my EX home.  I don't know why it has taken me years to overcome this, I have to realize that just like Marilyn said there are going to be good and bad days.  Yesterday was a good day for me.  I finally got out of the house for some shopping yesterday after being alone for a week.  Dec. 6th was a very bad day for me, but I got through it, with the help of all of YOU!!  THANK YOU!  I am staying home this year and not going to California to see my kids.  Can't afford it this year.  But with cigarettes costing over 18.00 a pack I will have the money saved for next Christmas.

Now that's a positive!!!  The benefits are enormous when not smoking and I will try to keep looking at the positives.

I can't believe how old Nic is so powerful or all the lies he spews to get me back.  YOU CAN'T HAVE ME NIC, no more!

Get off my back!!  Thanks everyone, crave is over.  



Words of Wisdom  14/90

Posted by PastTense Dec 17, 2019

I read a lot on this site.  It helps me stay focused and connected, for sure; but I also have heard some great advice and just some words of wisdom.

I can remember clearly reading somewhere that "in order to be a non-smoker; you have to quit smoking".  I was thunderstruck at that one.  As if it had never actually occured to me that I would have to actually stop inhaling smoke in order to become a non-smoker.  It's okay to laugh at that.  I am still amazed that I had never equated the two (probably from years of being a closet smoker).  Denial can be amusing.


There was another one.  "Keep quitting until you're quit".  Quitting smoking is a process, and in my case, not a very smooth one.  This was a reminder to me to keep working at my quit until it didn't take work anymore.  Not there yet, but I have hope.


"You set yourself up for success when you admit that failure is an option."  This one really hit me.  This is when I finally (finally!) realized that I really did need an actual plan for dealing with cravings.  Until I got real about why I failed, I couldn't create a path for success.


"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." Everybody has heard this one.  But one day, when I was feeling depressed and aggeved because another quit had failed; I read this and had an "Aha!" moment.

Maybe the reason this quit didn't last any longer than the others is because I hadn't done anything different. 


They say that when the student is ready, the teacher appears.  I guess I had to be ready to hear the words of wisdom for them to have an affact on me.


Freezing rain and wind today.  Just looking out the window makes me shiver.

I think about the combined hours I spent crouched in the corner of the garage to keep out of the wind while I smoked as fast as I could so I didn't freeze to death before I gave myself lung cancer.


Crazy behavior.  I mean just nuts.  But there I was.


Better days to come



Nostalgia 12/90

Posted by PastTense Dec 15, 2019

Watching old Christmas movies today and feeling nostalgic for my family.

Reminding myself that my smoking affects more than just me.  My whole family would suffer if I got sick.  My husband would be burdened with caring for me.  My kids would so anxious.

Smoking is the ultimate act of self-centered behavior.

I know my quit has to be for ME, but it also helps to remember my family




2 days to 6%

Posted by DonnaMarie Dec 15, 2019

In two days, I get to wear the quit token that Mandolinrain made for me. 


I didn't think that this time last year, when I was having "chest pains," that I'd go to the hospital, have cardiac issues ruled out, have GI problems named as the probable cause (it wasn't), and when I left the hospital after an overnight stay and texting, I'd quit smoking. But I did. I just never lit up again. 


The GI problems turned out to be side effects from a medication, which I do not take anymore as a result. And still, I don't smoke.


It's so amazing to check "nonsmoker" on forms. 


It's dazzling not to stink.


It's empowering to be so proud.


It's life-affirming to know what a difference I can make in my very own life and health. 


I'm not at one year yet, but I'm smiling thinking about how it's just a couple days away. 


Thanks to every single person here who has helped me along the way. 




Day 1 year minus 2 days


Saturdays are hard 11/90

Posted by PastTense Dec 14, 2019

Saturdays are hard because my whole schedule is chaotic.  I am a creature of habit and routine.  I am fine with that.  I like structure.  Quitting is a little chaotic.  All the things that seem normal to me are gone.  

Interesting that even things that are bad bring a comfort of familiarity.

So.. I reckon I'll be uncomfortable for until I get comfortable


This morning I made, what looked to be, a banana pancake recipe I found that had 5 star rating for the twins. BLAH! They were THE WORST EVER!….And only 3 ingredients.-Eggs-banana and water. Who would have thought…oh and some cinnamon. Maple syrup helped somewhat.  Basically the girls tossed them....ALL on the floor.


I had some experiences with BAD RECIPES to QUIT SMOKING also.


It took some tweaking and trial and error, but I finally managed to find an awesome QUIT SMOKING recipe that worked for me.


When we start recipes, they almost always look and sound promising. Don’t let the packages and words fool you. Just because it looks good, looks easy, looks fast, looks safe and MAY taste good….well, experiences tells me, it totally relates to the individual.


My Husband actually like the pancakes. The rest of us, not so much :)


Moral: Don’t flip over your pancakes if its not for you…

( or your quit method ) Theres many recipes out there to try. We all are willing to share ours with you, just ask. You will find one that tastes good and  works for you. Just don’t give up trying.


PS: Just thought I would put this out there…Sadley I have a lovely kidney stone thing going on right now. I will take ANY recipes you have to share that work for you. Heating pad is helping some. I am drinking enough water to fill a pool, but advil is not helping anymore. Thankfully kids go home in morning. :( This stinks.

On a GOOD note eyesight is finally making some big improvements. Thought I wold lose all vision in the one eye, but its finally improving  Actually.....thats awesome news


Car Pool 10/90

Posted by PastTense Dec 13, 2019

I spent the day at a supplier conference two hours from here.  There were a few of us from work going, so I volunteered to drive if anyone wanted to car pool.  That sounds like a normal day.  Every single day, thousands of people share a ride.  This was the first time I have EVER invited another person into my car that  I didn't already know was a smoker.


What a magnificent feeling!  I could just open the car door and know it wouldn't stink.  

One small step ...




'Tis the Season 9/90

Posted by PastTense Dec 12, 2019

Starting from last Saturday until Dec 26, we have something on the calendar every single day.  These are all fun things, but it can add to the stress.  The cookie swap on Saturday is always a good time with people we see only a couple of times a year.  There is craft beer and some carols are sung.  I look forward to this event.  Except... that I have to come up with a fancy dessert to share (this event is Pinterest on Parade, let me tell ya') and make an extra large batch of deviled eggs.  Even though it's fun, it's still a scheduling challenge.

The same is true for every other event we attend.  The big dance last night, the carol singing next weekend, the holiday party for my volunteer group.  Even heading out of town to visit family for Christmas requires planning.  I have no idea when I'm going to have a chance to throw some laundry in the washer; but it's either do that or buy new underwear.  And I don't have time for that, either!

I understand that this is a first-world problem and I am so lucky to have so many activities.  I get that I am blessed. 

But I'm also tired.  I'm so tired that I had a dream last night about taking a nap. 

Being tired, stressed, and a little run-down (from eating nothing but crap for weeks) is a recipe for a lost quit.  It's hard to have willpower when you're draggin your wagon.  HALT - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired is a reminder to stop. 

Just stop for a second.  Practice some breathing, maybe.

A little self-care goes a long way.

I'm glad I wrote this.  I needed to remind myself that I have tools and a plan.  Success is an option.



One of the ways that smoking hooks us into becoming addicts is by providing immediate gratification.

It doesn’t take more than a puff or two to feel the effects of nicotine. I’m not going into details – it will just set me up for a craving I don’t need.

All the negative effects of smoking don’t start making an appearance until later. The coughing, the wheezing – even the realization that you are addicted, takes a while to materialize.

There is no immediate gratification when quitting. In fact, there is just the opposite. The coughing might actually get worse. The withdrawal is worse. The only thing I noticed immediately was the smell.

Quitting smoking is playing a long game. I have to think about how I want my life to be weeks and months from now and not focus on the temporary discomfort. I hate it, but I’m still here.



Day 359

Posted by DonnaMarie Dec 11, 2019

I find myself coming to EX often again (mostly reading). It's like I'm thinking about smoking every day as I get closer to the one year mark. Not that I want to smoke, but that I'm about to reach a milestone and am dazzled. But it keeps reminding me of having smoked in the past and therefore, reminds me of smoking in general. 


This is one crazy, messed up addiction!


I'm helping to costume a play right now; I'm an assistant to the costumer. At any rate, I am around a lot of people in a fairly small space and I can point to every smoker in the group, never having seen any of them doing it. It's so secretive now! When did that happen?


Anyway, I felt the need to post today, and so I'm doing it. Hugs to all.



Day 359


Quitting is work 7/90

Posted by PastTense Dec 10, 2019

Mark Twain said of smoking cigars “Quitting smoking is easy – I do it every day”.


That pretty much sums up my relationship to quitting smoking. I started new quits at least once a month for the past decade. If you’re counting, that multiplies out to over 100 quits. I have been in a perpetual state of withdrawal. I have wanted to be a non-smoker. I just didn’t want to go through the work it takes to actually quit smoking!

I took the prescription meds, and St. John’s wart, and patches, and gum, and hypnosis. You know what? NONE of those things will quit for you. None of those things will motivate you to stay away from cigarettes. All of those things can help you – but they can’t do it all. I had to take ownership of my quit and why my quits failed in the past.

Being on this site is the tool I am using to stay committed to quitting.

Keep the quit


All of us have probably seen the comparison between a smoker’s lungs and a non-smoker’s lung. The smoker’s lung looks like a black stone compared to the pink and healthy non-smoker’s lung. Those photos never particularly resonated with me. For one thing; they are both pretty gross looking. But mostly because I couldn’t compare myself to the photos.

I happened across some photos of twins, where one twin smoked and the other didn’t. That hit home.

The smokers were immediately identifiable as being the older looking of the pair. Their skin seemed to sag off their faces. Their mouths were lined and their eyes were puffy with deep wrinkles. Alas, I could absolutely see the same effects on my own face.

I doubt I can reverse the changes to my face; but maybe I can slow down any further damage. I should take photos but I honestly don’t think I can bear it.



Just a quick check in today.  My husband and I are painting a rental property we own today - and are already an HOUR late thanks to me.  I am usually the person who arrives 15 minutes early to everything.  Alas, I forgot to put the clothes from the washer to the dryer and we are waiting on my "paint clothes" to get dry.


You knw what I am NOT doing?  I am not worrying about how I can break away at some point to sneak a cigarette.  I am not looking for scenarios to send him to the hardware store.  I am not triple checking that I have supplies.


Being a smoker takes effort.  Being a closet smoker takes up a lot of mental band-width that, frankly, I don't have to spare. 


Today will be very busy because we have less daylight than we planned - but it will be smoke free for me!!



Sneaky Stuff 4/90

Posted by PastTense Dec 7, 2019

I've been a closet smoker for the better part of 15 years.  The fact that I felt I needed to hide smoking should have been the first clue that I shouldn't have been smoking in the first place.  Who hides things they are proud of?  No one.


So I snuck around.  I found places to stop on the way home from work that offered some shield from the weather and had a cigarette before I got to my house.  I added at least 20 minutes to my commute every night so I could have an extra smoke.


I sprayed myself down with odor spray, hid packs and lighters in a shoebox in the closet.  I wouldn't buy a purse unless there was an inner zipper pocket where I could secret my supplies.  I always knew exactly where I had supplies and how many were left and when I would have to go buy more.  I always bought other stuff so the cashier wouldn't think I had only come in to the store for smokes.  I mean, why on earth would I care what the cashier thought?  Because it was all about being better than smokers.  I was better than those silly people who smoked out in the open


I consider myself to be a person of integrity.  I didn't exactly lie about smoking, but I could change the subject faster than you can imagine.  And I always, always had a cover story.


Being a non-smoker is much less fraught.  I don't need a cover story - there isn't anything to cover up.

Now I can learn what life is like without sneaking.



The cost of smoking goes way beyond the price of a pack of cigarettes.  It's more than the money wasted repairing and replacing items that were ruined by a stray ash or the smaell of smoke. 

When I think about the total cost of smoking, I know that TIME is a significant contributor to the bottom line.


Smokers who work are confined to certain times a day when they can go out and take a smoke.  Whatever that time amounts to, I'm guessing to around an hour a day, could so easily be used for something else.  I remember that mad dash at the designated moment to get to my supplies and then rush to the designated smoke area and then puff as quickly as possible to get a couple of cigarettes in before returning to work.  If it was cold and nasty or even horribly hot and humid - it just didn't matter.  I feel sorry for my co-workers who had to live with the smells afterwards!


Those of us who spent time as "closet smokers" had the additional constraints fo trying not to let anybody see us. For me, that meant the addtional time to go out to the parking lot and get in my car.  Sometimes I just drove around at lunch so I could smoke.


At home, no project got started without a smoke first  That project could as small as moving the laundry from the washer to the dryer, but there had to be a smoke before and probably after.  Bigger projects required frequent breaks and took at least twice as long to complete.


After I got married, I spent a lot of time thinking of errands that had to be run so I could smoke without being seen.  I don't know how many trips to the hardware store I made because I "forgot" some little thing.  Grocery stores, pet food, dry cleaners - any errand served as cover to smoke during the weekend.


I spent time finding parks where I could pull over in the shade and smoke in the summer.  During the winter, I looked for areas that might block the wind so I could leave the window rolled down.


So many minutes and hours gone literally up in smoke.  Another reason to keep the quit



Cheering for EVERYONE today - I am taking the SUGGESTIONS presented to ME years ago and sharing MY experience strength and hope - to give it all away -  so I can keep it - MY NON SMOKER LIFE STYLE TODAY - the suggestions offered - so please take what HELPS and let go of the rest - to be HELPFUL is MY only aim - thank you - SUGGESTION was made to educate - MYSELF -  about MY nicotine addiction only - NOT anyone else's - also to get a NEW MINDSET - to throw away all my old nicotine addict FEELING THINKING - to be willing to remain open minded and be taught by those here on this site and at by Joel - here it was SUGGESTED -  I go there and watch the early death video's at that site and to read Joel's book - which I did read and the recovering FAMILY here SUGGESTED - that I read the book by Allen Carr - which I read too - I was as desperate as the dying may be to receive - HELP to STOP - using MY DRUG OF CHOICE - NICOTINE - to cope with - MY insides - to be wiiling to learn and grow and heal inside of ME - to grow up and take responsibility for MY CHOICES and consequences about living life on life's terms - without smoking at people - places -  things - circumstances - situations  - the suddenly that life throws at ME - MY brother in love killed by a drunk driver -at that time I had 3 months living as a non smoker - or the SUDDENLY of MY friend's son 27yr old killed in a motorcycle accident - I was 8 years living as a NON SMOKER  - I was 7 years living as a NON SMOKER and watching the long suffering of MY sister in love - dying slowly of lung cancer- that's LIFE -  I was told to deal with it - LIFE happens to EVERYONE - in MY PAST LIFE - I handled-  MY DAY - by sucking on 50 DEATH STICKS a day - just to cope with ONE day  - that's MY OLD DEATH LIFE! Just for TODAY - I was TAUGHT to live in - TODAY only -  I was taught to encourage MYSELF by saying out loud - to MYSELF - through out MY DAY- all day long - say over and over  - never take another puff ever  OR  smoking is not an option OR not one puff ever OR do the pledge with those here -  just for TODAY -  I will NOT smoke OR to blog about whatever - blog to just to vent - just blog -  BEFORE - I take that first puff over ME - I prayed for the willingness to be willing to accept others teaching ME to grow in their SUGGESTIONS of NEW ideas and NEW ways of coping with ME and MY insides to handle MY DAY - to STAY in this DAY - as a non smoker by -  HELPING others just like I was HELPED - give away the suggestions given FREELY to ME and pass the HOPE on to the next suffering NICOTINE ADDICT - HOORAY FOR EVERYONE TODAY -  CONGRATS TO EVERYONE TODAY - WAY TO GO EVERYONE TODAY FOR CHOOSING TO LIVE NICOTINE FREE -  as a NON SMOKER just for TODAY -  it is ALL WE HAVE this DAY - TODAY - so GOOD JOB EVERYONE - YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Wayyyyy back when I started smoking, the cost of Name Brand cigarettes was less than a dollar per pack. They are a lot more expensive today, but certainly not the only cost to smoking. I was thinking about all the OTHER dollar costs I incurred that are directly related to smoking.

  1. Seat covers: I probably ruined 4 or 5 car seats from cigarette burns. I distinctly remember burning the back seat of my car the day before I was trading it in on a new car. It’s hard to know for sure how much I lost in trade-in value.
  2. Clothes: I cannot even estimate what I have lost replacing clothes because of burn holes. I know I also ruined a few items just from washing them too often. I couldn’t afford dry-cleaning and I hated my clothes to smell smoky, so I washed everything all the time.
  3. Odor spray: Room fresheners and fabric fresheners and perfumed sprays and every other thing I bought hoping to disguise the smell of smoking. I kept a bottle in the car and a bottle in the coat closet and a bottle in my bedroom closet and sprayed liberally and often. I should have bought stock in the company – or maybe a 55 gallon drum.
  4. Sunglasses: speaking of spraying; I managed to ruin a pair of Ray Ban prescription sun glasses with the overspray. Something in the spray damaged the coating to the glasses making lenses look like they were covered in rain drops.
  5. Antihistamines: I have seasonal allergies during the best of times. Smoking made them a thousand time worse and year-round. Even now I am taking 4 different kinds of antihistamines plus a decongestant. Even over the counter meds cost a lot when you take them every single day.

I wonder if I still would have started smoking if I had known what how much money I would invest in that habit.



Posted by hattonc Dec 4, 2019

Good Morning Everyone,

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.

mine was ok..still smoke free.. I’m so thankful for the support I received on this site , I haven’t been on here much lately but trying not to go too far off bcuz some days I really need the support , not just for maintaining my quit but just good support 

Thabk you once again ..N.O.P.E


90 Posts in 90 Days

Posted by PastTense Dec 4, 2019

I have heard that in AA, if you slip in your sobriety it is recommended that you attend 90 meetings in 90 days.  I don't know if it's true or just what I saw on TV, but it makes sense to me.

So I am challenging myself to write 90 posts in 90 days.  I need an anchor to my quit.  I need the accountability to being on this site every single day.  I need to do whatever it takes to kick smoking to the curb once and for all time.

Day One post



Sticking with N.O.P.E - Not One Puff Ever and vigilance N.M.W.- No Matter What-works when applied on a daily basis it definetly gets easier and easier with time under your belt and it definitely gets better and better without the crutch of cigarettes BUT it does take time to relearn life as an EX Smoker Non Smoker or EXer it doesn't matter what you call it as long you stick with your precious quit so each evening you can look yourself in the  mirror and say YAY for another Day WON it's up to each of us to nurture and protect the best gift that any of us will ever give ourselves which is the GIFT OF LIFE.....

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