Blog Post created by indingrl.01.06.2011 on Sep 29, 2019

MY history of - MY NICOTINE ADDICTION - first puffs of NICOTINE for ME was from cigarette butts I collected off the street for MY grandma - directed to STAY on the NATIVE American side of town ONLY - I wasn't allowed on the WHITE people ONLY side of town - I grew up to LEARN -  to be a racist - against ALL races - THEY-  became the watch word  -  which became - any other peoples -  IF you weren't NATIVE AMERICAN -  I WAS NOT ALLOWED NEAR YOU - I learned to use alcohol and drug NICOTINE and perverted sex - all by age 4 - I was raised in this evil wicked vile dsyfunction by MY blood family which taught ME all I know from age 4 to age 62 yrs YOUNG in 2019 - God in HIS tender mercies had been transforming ME inside to be more Christ-like by MY Holy Spirit doing ALL the INSIDE work by rooting out litlle by little -  MY ingrained habitual patterns and habits - sometimes I become as DRY ADDICT and treat MYSELF mean and call MYSELF names -  just like they did when I was little - heathen - dirty little girl - fat little pig - fat cow - no good for nothing - I wish you were born a boy - MY mom said - I ruined her life- ALL these names and life training came from MY blood family - drunks - whores - drunk day and night - smoke filled houses and cars and raised in bars - these were MY learning places - I never understand when people ask - what story did YOUR mom-  read you at bed time - NOTHING - bedtime was rape time at 6yr old I was given to a 48 yr old man - MY mom married and I was his piece of ass - until I left the house at 16yr - this is MY history of using NICOTINE to escape -  to cope - to deal with memories of this crap TODAY - to STOP using MY  DRUG NICOTINE - I became a born again beliver in Christ Jesus MY Savior and Lord and MY Daddy God had to save ME from ME -  I would NOT -nor did I want to quit USING MY DRUG NICOTINE - I prayed -  Dear Jesus -  if YOU don't take these cigs from ME - I will smoke them until I drop dead in Jesus name amen - I went to bed and woke on January 6 - 2011 - COLD TURKEY QUIT - since then I am LIVING as a NON SMOKER - I have had to face MY immaturity and autopilot of OLD ADDICT behaviors - ALL rooted in MY INSIDES from MY childhood - sometimes I am NOT wiiling to admit complete defeat YET I have come to the end of MYSELF - I used NICOTINE to SMOKE at others- to SMOKE at change of life's - funerals - weddings - birthdays - problems - money woes - bills - accidents that happen and people end up dead  - I use to smoke 50 death sticks a day at everything - I lived in fantasy  and illusions - IF I smoked I REALLY believed -  life's issues would - GO AWAY - I would convince MYSELF after SMOKING -  50 death sticks in a day and I made it to bed - that night- I DID IT YAHHOOOOO I LIVED THROUGH THE CRAP OF THE DAY- I didn't think SMOKING was killing ME slowly - I thought I was LIVING and handling MY OWN life- Thanks to MY God and all of YOU - MY RECOVERY from NICOTINE family - using drug NICOTINE DOESN'T enter MY NEW MINDSET -  TODAY - I pray to God and by HIS grace and love HE gives ME - MY Lord Jesus to strengthen ME by MY Holy Comforter leading ME to deal with life on life's terms -  this month of October 2019 - for ME has had many deaths - IT HAPPENS- yet ALL these deaths are in MY family - ALL at once - I don't understand it ALL YET I will continue to TRUST in MY God no matter what - people say to ME - no one gets out of this world alive -  somtimes just being grateful to God was ALL I could DO for ME -  when I was born to this very minute - walking and STAYING MY age 62 and STAY grow up on the INSIDE - get professional HELP for other issues - this RECOVERY site - cannot HELP with other issues -  this RECOVERY site is to learn coping skills to - NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF EVER and to share MY experience - WHAT I use to be like and when I used MY DRUG NICOTINE to escape and cope over and over getting sicker physically - hacking cough - spitting out hunks of mucus - NOT TODAY - I was taught - HOW I STAY a NON SMOKER - TODAY. - by following - ALL YOUR examples - thank you ALL so much for HELPING ME to remain - open minded and to keep -  learning and growing and only by MY God's grace and love - MY God HEALING ME in HIS love and service to HELP the next suffering NICOTINE ADDICT to HOPE - IF WE CAN STAY NON SMOKERS SO CAN THEY - just choose for YOUR self in MY Lord Jesus name amen please take what HELPS and let go of the rest - to be HELPFUL is MY only aim - thank you - thanks for letting ME just SHARE - gentle hug