mercury87436

Day 6

Blog Post created by mercury87436 on Jun 11, 2019

Last night I was stricken by a tremendous amount of anxiety, dread, and grief, which are not feelings I have dealt with in my quit days yet. It was a really hard  and the temptation to smoke was strong, not because I was craving nicotine, because oddly, I haven't been, but almost in surrender to the feelings of grief and anxiety which I have no idea how to deal with. I have always tended to be a loner, fiercely independent (to use my dad's description of me) and I don't know if I ever really realized how much, during the hard times of my life, I was using cigarettes to lock away my emotional reactions, rather than leaning on other forms of emotional support. So when these feelings arose last night and everyone was asleep, I wasn't sure how to cope with it. But I did have this moment of clarity where I realized that I was very, very lonely, and that for 13 years, cigarettes were my best friend. They got me through a very turbulent upbringing. They were my support group. I believed they made me strong. They dried my tears. They received my stress without complaint. They didn't give bad or unsolicited advice, and they didn't share my secrets. All they wanted was my life. All they wanted was my breath and my attention. All they wanted was my ability to feel things in my heart. All they wanted was my attention and my time. All they wanted was my ability to trust myself and my confidence. Some friend. I didn't smoke last night. I sat with the desire until I was tired enough to sleep. I feel better today, a little raw, a little touchy, and still very lonely. The doom-and-gloom cloud is gone. Anyone have any methods or tricks that helped with similar feelings? Last time I quit successfully I got a counselor who, when asked the same question, stupidly (and somewhat lazily, I might add), recommended that I start smoking again. And just as stupidly, I did. This time I've been exercising, deep breathing, meditating, doing yoga, but I really want to process these emotions, not just burn them off/distract myself from them. 

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