Blog Post created by indingrl.01.06.2011 on May 21, 2019

It seems all I think on this day of MY non smoker life style is -  death of MY daughter -  MY husband - MYSELF- MY other daughter - I am getting all caught up in MY mind of what IF -  it's all emotions crushed together like a drink of self chaos created for NO reason - in MY mom heart that has said prayers and believes -  YET - WAITING on doctors to approve her to get ON the list - our appointment is 28th of May to find out if she has been approved and WAITING on God for our outcome- DEATH or LIFE - ALL MY FEARS and insecurities all in MY head  - craziness of the UNKNOWN - and the closer MY daughter's liver numbers get worse - she is closer to dying - the greater to be approved to get on the list- seems WHACKADO to ME - I am tired of the week I spent in the hospital - I went in healthy came out sick - horrible dry coughing and sore throat so raw from coughing and it hurts to swallow - I am alot better than I was saturday and TODAY because I didn't go out on monday to my support group I was sick still and I didn't go out today to MY Bible study group because I am still sick - it is very hard for ME to love and be kind and caring to ME - I had to learn that THROUGH pain and educating MYSELF on how to be a human being NOT DOING human being 24/7 -  so others will like ME - old habits and patterns die hard in ME - I am just here and staring into NOTHING -  as I try to take care of MYSELF lovingly - I am still learning New behaviors by self educating MYSELF with inside truth at remaining open minded to keep learning and growing and healing yet wishing - it was ALL over- YESTERDAY - I don't want to live at the hospital- I dont want to go through this FAITH test -  yet I will -  for I say OUTLOUD - I love My Lord Jesus - I love MYSELF and I love MY daughter and MY ACTIONS speak the loudest - just like I am responsible for MY NEW mindset in early RECOVERY from NICOTINE - I must be diligent at MY continued thinking to THINK -  what I am thinking about TODAY - it ain't nicotine - it ain't MY daughter - it's ALL about ME taking care of ME -  to get well so I can live in the this present MOMENT - breathing AND blogging to VENT. I will NOT live in an appointment NOT here yet - I will CHOOSE to live in the NOW of this day only with attitude gratitude. Gentle hug and thanks for letting ME share MY fears and insecurities - this too shall pass - I think I am thinking ok with a daughter who is slowly dying in front of me - I don't have a blue print to go off of - this is ALL lifted to MY God. Amen.