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2019
hattonc

Day 82

Posted by hattonc May 31, 2019

Good Morning..

its Friday .. Made it through another week.. I’m thankful I can come here and receive such positive feedback from everyone.. Sometimes life just brings us down but we have to just push on through.. I’m glad smoking is one thing I’m not dealing with anymore.. some days are tuff but well worth getting thru... I hope everyone has a wonderful day.,

Cindy 

DonnaMarie

Day 165

Posted by DonnaMarie May 30, 2019

So, this retirement thing is really mind boggling. I know others have done it and gotten through it and I will too, but where did all this free time come from? I found myself doing some "fancy" painting today outside. I like to experiment with color and design, and though my paintings are on rocks and are given away, the creation of something unique sure makes me feel pretty derned good.

 

I've been organizing the sewing room today and will continue to do so for a couple weeks. I'm trying to get all my unfinished projects in the same place and just start going through them.

 

I'll be getting the paperwork from the gym to restart my membership. I can't get the doctor to sign it until June 6, but am looking forward to the pool and all the other stuff soon.

 

So, yeah, this retirement thing! I've been having urges that I'm pushing through, and I wonder if I'm bringing them on by being a little stressed by life changes. I'm going to say yeah on that one.

 

The stomach stuff - day 3 of not so bad. I'll keep taking the medication until I do all my followup stuff and see what's what.

 

Here's a touch of motivation for newer quitters - it was only 165 days ago that I quit and I'm feeling very much like a nonsmoker.

 

BTW, hubby is off work for two weeks after tomorrow and then the firm decision for him to retire or not retire will happen. I wish he'd get it over with. I know it's going to set off a whole lot of existential thinking for him and I want to get going on that with him. I'll be a little more used to retirement when he's finally retired, so at least both of us won't be in the funk that I found myself in. More adventure ahead!

 

Happy Friday Eve!

 

Donna

Day 165

DonnaMarie

Day 164

Posted by DonnaMarie May 29, 2019

164. Seems like a pretty cool number. I really like it! Sobriety growth.

 

I started a second med for my stomach junk and it seems to be helping. Hopefully, eventually, there will be a solution that doesn't involve a second dose of something, but for now, I'll take it! It feels a lot better not feeling as gross as I was.

 

Quick story - I went to 7-11 earlier this evening. I took the dog with me. She sits in the front seat with me. When I came out of the store, the car next to me was backing out, but pulled right back in. The driver got out and said he knew it was kind of weird, but that his German shepherd had recently died and he wanted to share a picture. I figured I'm in public with my dog in my car, and he seemed harmless enough. So, I was looking at his pictures and asked if he wanted to say hello to Abbey (she was in the car). He was so grateful. He kept saying he hadn't pet a German shepherd in so long. We talked about dogs for a bit and he thanked me and went to his car, and that was that. Abbey had been a therapy dog for a few minutes.

 

So, there's my Wednesday.

 

Donna

Day 164

hattonc

Day 80

Posted by hattonc May 29, 2019

Good Morning 

Day 80 here.. I haven’t checked in for a few days but have just been reading posts. I want to remain close to this site but as everyone can relate life happens....Just feeling a lot of stress and emotions lately and I’m noticing my urges to smoke have been extremely strong . I thought I was going to cave in the other day but I didn’t .. why are these urges still so strong ? It’s what I use to do when I was stressed out but I haven’t done it in 80 days .. Does anyone else experience this still? I’m glad I didn’t give in .. I want nothing more but to maintain my quit .. N.O.P. E.

Giulia

Mindful Quitting Technique

Posted by Giulia Champion May 28, 2019

Try this only IF you're still smoking.  This is from a Roy Masters seminar.  It has to do with mindfulness/consciousness.

 

Sit down, light a cigarette, close your eyes.  

Take a puff of the cigarette but keep the smoke in your mouth.

Become aware of the taste of that cigarette.  Become aware of the poison of it.

The reason why you couldn't taste it before is because you inhaled it.  And the poison took the feeling of conflict away.

How does it taste?  (Probably not good.)

 

Blow it out and take another puff and hold it again in your mouth.  Taste it and know that it's poison.  Taste it but don't inhale it because when you inhale it the consciousness goes away, the awareness goes away.  You don't realize it's killing you because it's giving you a sense of false patience and peace.

 

Now if you remain conscious (in the sense of mindful), it will be hard for you to take the next puff.  Because it's very difficult to do the wrong thing while being conscious, if you're really aware of yourself.   The force of your consciousness won't allow you to put that  poison in your mouth.  Just be conscious every time you have a cigarette, and overcome resentments.  That same consciousness applies to resentments.  Resentment always creates anxiety.  And the next irritation turns things backwards.  Then you want to smoke to get rid of the pain of your conscience.  You need to get rid of the anxiety, the resentment. 

 

Consciousness decides what right and wrong is.  We know it's not right to smoke a cigarette but we aren't "conscious" when we smoke.  Once you're "conscious" it becomes much more difficult to inhale that poison.

 

Try it.  See if it helps.

DonnaMarie

Day 162

Posted by DonnaMarie May 28, 2019

I got to the gastroenterologist's office for my procedure this morning and realized after a bit that I wasn't there for the EGD; I was there for the appointment you have before the procedure. Oops. I won't have the actual scope till June 18. I'm not thrilled about feeling like a piece of poo till then, but it's okay; I can handle just about anything.

 

After the appointment, my sister and I went to a local farm and picked up a bunch of produce. I hadn't been there before, but it's not far from home and the food has to be so much better than the grocery store. Now that I know where it is, I'll definitely go back. Tomorrow, I will freeze the squash and other items I bought.

 

I'm not even thinking about smoking, but am still a bit down in the mouth as they used to say. I want my spunk back.

 

On that cranky note (LOL), I'm proud to announce that I'm at 162 days. How amazing is that. Smobriety indeed does rock.

 

 

Donna

indingrl.01.06.2011

IF

Posted by indingrl.01.06.2011 May 28, 2019

May 28, 2019 is the DAY -  IF - MY daughter is approved to GET on the liver transplant list TODAY- 930am - she has done HER part - ALL requirements - assignments - told to DO - by liver team of doctors and her state Align insurance. I had a smokemare early 2am - prayed -  and I was restless - ALL NIGHT LONG - maybe 2 or 3 hour's of cat naps - MY non smoking life style is rough - yucky and tough going - YET I continue to STAY prayed UP - Thanks for letting ME share and PLEASE I am talking about ME and NOT anyone else - so please take what HELPS and let go of the rest - to be HELPFUL is MY only aim - thank you- I am coping not doping -  THROUGH this very painful truth of mine inside - I don't like this FAITH test and I am really sad deep inside and I can't seem to shake it OFF - and that is OK for ME - i ain't drinking alcohol smoking pot or sucking on DEATH NICOTINE sticks or drinking caffine or eating chocolate or compulsively emotionally eating by pulling a chair up to MY fridge or using people to ESCAPE MY FEELINGS - I ain't blaming GOD or  MYSELF or people - I am fully in this present MOMENT- of this DAY ONLY  - grateful to MY Daddy God - to MY Saviour and Lord Jesus and MY Holy Spirit leading ME by MY FAITH - to blog BEFORE I act and in HIS love and service - thank you ALL for your EMPATHY - prayers -  love -  understanding and most of YOUR experience and YOU! Gentle hug.

DonnaMarie

Day 161

Posted by DonnaMarie May 27, 2019

As of yesterday, I am no longer gainfully employed. I'm coming to terms with it and soon will claim my new life as mine.

 

I went to a family function yesterday (in Virginia Beach!) and there were people going in and going out all day to either smoke or jump on the trampoline. I sorta wished I could have a cig, but then realized I really didn't want one, ever again. It was fun to be around the next generation of my family and their kids. So much energy! I did stay inside all the time and didn't eat a  whole lot. This stupid esophagus/throat thing - I'll be glad to have the scope done Tuesday and learn what's up so we can move on to fixing it. Ibuprofen is not your friend!

 

I've been a bit grumpy lately for a lot of reasons, so am working on that right now. The beautiful news is none of the things making me grumpy are urging me to smoke. I keep reminding myself that my grump will still be there even if I give in and smoke and what does that get me? Nothing. My 161 days are firm and will continue to grow. And that's that.

 

A gal I worked with and I were chatting in private messages last night and she was talking about how she really wants to get her zen like living back. I sent her my favorite zen book from Amazon (only $3) and told her that was my retirement gift to her. It's a simple little book that I keep in the bathroom. LOL Each piece is only a page. Anyway, that was my last official act for work and hopefully, she can find some inner peace herself.

 

My daughter is driving from Boston to Richmond as we speak. She's in Virginia again and Richard and I are taking her some furniture from our house for their temporary apartment. Fun, eh? I can't lift, but I can help!

 

And today, we send out thoughts to our men and women who gave their lives for us. As a child, I did stuff with the VFW including selling Buddy Poppies on Memorial Day.

A small flower that reminds us all of the sacrifices made.

 

Donna

Day 161

indingrl.01.06.2011

Parade and Picnic

Posted by indingrl.01.06.2011 May 27, 2019

LET IT BE KNOWN - Today -  I thank God for HIS love grace and mercy upon ALL of OUR heroes - ALL ARMS OF OUR MILITARY'S in our ONE nation under GOD - AMERICA - to ALL who GAVE THEIR OWN LIVES OF THEIR OWN FREE WILLS -  LOVING AMERICA AND OUR PEOPLE'S  - past - present- and future - for believing in ONE nation under God to PROTECT HIS nation - America and ALL its peoples - WE live FREE because THEY GAVE FREELY their lives FIRST in HIS love and service - THANK ALL MILITARY'S SERVICES - PAST AND TODAY AND FUTURE FOR GIVING US OUR  FREEDOM IN AMERICA in MY Lord Jesus name amen

I might have blogged already today, but here I am again.

 

The thing that is bothering me about leaving work is so multilayered. I've worked for a paycheck from the moment I was able to get a work permit, almost 50 years ago. School and work were what I did, then work, then raising kids with a bit of employment here and there, then working hard to live and breathe until a couple years ago, when I cut my hours fro 70ish to 20ish per week for the last little while. My assumption was that I'd keep working for probably 4-5 more years. And also that I'd ease into this retirement thing.

 

The nature of contract work is that at some point, there's just no more to be had and when they hit me up with the 3 hours a week thing, it did sort of cut into who I am. One day, I'm hanging in VA Beach with new friends and the next, I'm kissing employment goodbye.

 

When people ask "what do you do?" they're asking about your work. They're not asking about your art, your life at home, your volunteering in the community, or that you're a mom, wife, dog mom, friend, person, etc., nope, they're asking about your job. I've had more than one career and all have served me well.

 

I worked in a floral shop as a teen, went on to try my hand at being a hairdresser, and decided to pursue college and nursing after my son was born. I worked as a mom for a lot of years, and fell into working part time at the local hospital. I experienced a lot of department, medical exposure, and learned that being a nurse was not for me, but working in the medical field was. With some mentoring and help from others, I started working in medical transcription as well as doing data research for the small hospital for whom I was working at the time. From there, I bought a transcription service and ran that for years, beginning my very long career of working from home and advocating for telecommuting. Add in a touch of online community work, and I was a happy gal.

 

I sold the company and went to work for a large medical system in Pittsburgh, first in their transcription department and then assisting with the startup of an online medical transcription company for the same hospital. As with my own transcription company, everyone I hired worked at home, again furthering my telecommuting training, and kind of quietly consulting about that on the side. All the while, I kept my feet in the online moderation business and eventually left the medical world to pursue that full time, then part time, and now, to no time.

 

There's a lot that came between all of the experiences above, but what I'm getting at is that my work has defined me. It's who I was and what I did. Now I am taking a new direction and will learn to love it as well as the rest of my life up till now.

 

I think I'm just processing all of this as it's as big a change as quitting smoking, and I did that pretty well

 

Any of you who know me or are getting to know me also know that I won't let this get me down for long and that I'll find 20 million billion gillion things to do.

 

Now I go to bed. Thanks for listening.

 

Ch ch ch ch changes.

 

Donna

Day 159

indingrl.01.06.2011

3 months......

Posted by indingrl.01.06.2011 May 24, 2019

3 months to live is the doctors conclusion from a report I read -  with stage 4 cirrohsis of the liver disease OR get a liver transplant and possibly live 3 to 5 YEARS longer - some live longer from a liver transplant MY husband says his guy is 8 - 10 years with HIS 2nd liver transplant - He drank again with the FIRST liver transplant- got another one and is SOBER TODAY- then I have a closer liver story - MY cousin -  got HIS new liver transplant and CHOSE to drink again and died of active alcoholism - NOW MY REALITY - May 28th is MY 34 year old daughter's appointment -she will get to hear -  IF - she gets to be APPROVED to be PUT ON the list -  for a liver transplant - her insurance is - Align -  through the state of Illinois and they are slow to pay - so doctors are NOT taking ANY NEW patient's with the insurance Align state of Illinois -the liver TEAM of doctor's suggested to MY daughter to see if she can switch insurance - she can in September - rules of the sate of Illinois - NOW back to this - 3 months - May - June - July - hmmmmm - makes ME wonder - when - where - how - DEATH will strike - or when - where -  how - GODS outcome will happen - I was awakened EARLY TODAY - Friday - dont know the date and for ME that is prayer TIME  -  so I sought help from - MY Holy Counselor - to pray and how to pray - the names come to MY HEART mind and then prayers begin and when completed - I lay here and read the blogs on this RECOVERY FROM NICOTINE -  to get up the COURAGE-  to get up with YOUR HOPE and in HIS LOVE for this NON smoker life - TODAY and face another day in asking MY Holy Comforter to give ME HIS fruit of the spirit - love - joy - peace-  long suffering -faithfulness -  goodness - kindness - gentleness and self- control - these are gifts of MY PRECIOUS MIGHTY Holy Comfortor in ME by MY OWN PERSONAL BELIEF - I ask to receive all HIS fruit more and more abundant in ME to live FREE in MY spirit both here on earth to bring Christ Jesus MY Lord - glory on this earth now and in heaven - it is wriiten - I am sitted with Christ in the heavenly realms  - please I am talking about ME not anyone else - so please take what HELPS and let go of the rest - to be HELPFUL is MY ONLY aim - thank you - I just keeping reading YOUR blogs of HOPE to stay in Friday - to live in the moments BEFORE-  I get up and step and walk and oh yeah -  I tell MYSELF -  to breathe-  just breathe and enjoy MY DAY because it could be MY last day - you NEVER KNOW - that NATIVE AMERICAN saying - to live this day as if it were YOUR last - it just might be MY last DAY and so I pray I don't want to be living MY day in MY daughter's life and her issues - I don't want waste MY day in living a dead DAY - I want to live for ME - MY DAY fully present enjoy MY DAY - TODAY - I pray to LIVE in HIS love and ENJOY MY OWN HEALTHY NON SMOKER life style DAY - what surprises ME is when -  I lose CONTROL of certain muscles -  unknown to ME -  until it just HAPPENS  - I notice at 62 years of age - sometimes when I laugh really hard - loud farts - just come out of ME - I can't tighten MY butt cheeks at that time because the farts are a SURPRISE and right in the middle of a restaurant with MY family eating and I can't STOP them - laughing our loud - thanks for letting ME share MY EARLY MORNING with YA- gentle hug. This 24 hours is ALL I have to live - really 12 hours or 14 hours IF I choose to stay up late- laughing out loud!  

DonnaMarie

Day 157

Posted by DonnaMarie May 23, 2019

My day is just about done. LOL I hit the oral surgeon and then went to Busch Gardens to walk with my son. The implants site is healing like a champ. I only have a couple more visits with him and then he'll throw me out and it'll be implant time. Woot! The walk at Busch Gardens was a couple of mile with my youngest son (he works there).

 

The park has a couple of smoking areas. I'm not sure where they are anymore, but I did see people vaping here and there very covertly. It's almost like they're sneaking it (which they kind of are because it's a no smoking park) and adding a layer of either "F you" or shame to their vaping. If I were ballsier, I'd get up in their business and tell them it's a no smoking park. No, I wouldn't. But I feel like it. Anyway, it was almost pitiful to see.

 

I have cards tonight and a police department dinner tomorrow night, and both require food. I picked up Brunswick stew and ham biscuits for cards tonight and am making a couscous salad for the dinner tomorrow, but that means I have to go shopping. Argh! I think I see a nap after that.

 

We were only able to talk half the park as the other half wasn't open yet, but it's almost 2 miles to walk the red line that started at the parking lot, entrance of the park, on the right of the map, and then halfway around, turn around and do it again.

 

Y'all have a great Friday Eve.

 

Donna

Day 157

hattonc

Day 74

Posted by hattonc May 22, 2019

Good Evening,

Hope everyone is doing well..Day 74 here. Feeling ok but sore. I’ve been trying to work out daily but recovery time is longer now but I’m gona keep moving forward . A friend of mine came by today . She smoked 2 cigarettes in front of me and I just stood there drinking my water..  i feel that some times are worse then others to be around it , but I was ok. N.O.P.E.

indingrl.01.06.2011

MY FIRST NEW DAY!

Posted by indingrl.01.06.2011 May 22, 2019

I went out for the FIRST time TODAY-  since getting out of the hospital stay with MY daughter. I am celebrating MY NEW DAY of many blessings in MY Daddy God's love for ME! Only by HIS grace I am celebrating 32 YEARS SOBER TODAY and I wanted to get MY NEW 32 YEAR medallion from MY suppory group of ladies on  MY NEW anniversary DAY! I NEVER THOUGHT I would love myself enough to surrender MY addiction to nicotine to GOD - since I thought HE took all MY fun stuff AWAY - alcohol - fried foods - chocolate- caffine- pepsi- fast food- perverted sex issues were handled and healed  in MY choice of PROFESSIONAL therapists.  I had one on one therapy for 3 YEARS and graduated to an outside bible based group for survivors of childhood rape- then I thought to MYSELF-  I ain't quitting smoking - it's all I had left NICOTINE was MY lover and best friend-  nicotine death sticks COMFORTED ME through all my deep inner pain to live in MY world.  MY coping medicine was NICOTINE to get ME through all the crap in one DAY - I tried for YEARS off and on to quit using MY DRUG NICOTINE - oh I be ok for a while - an hour- I tried all the suckers and nicotine gum someone gave ME to try- and I brought the patches and took off the patch to smoke and then put the patch back on -  I NEVER wanted to quit- UNTIL I understood how much MY DADDY GOD LOVES JUST ME - I tried the free meeting with panel of speakers talking about how THEY quit using nicotine and I would quit for a couple days in a row - NEVER living free from MY drug of choice NICOTINE- that's when I surrendered to MY Lord Jesus - I prayed dear Jesus if you don't take these cigs from me I will smoke them until I drop dead - then on January 6, 2011 - I woke up and had a cold turkey quit blessing and I been coming here since October 2010 to this RECOVERY from NICOTINE site and reading the blogs and I would get down to 2-3 cigs a day- I just couldn't and wouldn't quit - I had a day and use NICOTINE again and  then I quit and some man had quit the same day I did and I didn't like HIM so I used HIM as an excuse to use NICOTINE again- then I surrendered AGAIN that's when I prayed and then no withdrawling physical just mental and emotional turmoil worked out here by venting MY insanity and emotional fits -and I read blogs here and at whyquit.com because that was SUGGESTED to ME to DO and I took ALL THE SUGGESTIONS from all who were walking their talk by sharing their experiences and LIVING NICOTINE FREE day by day and for MY first 90 days I stayed on this site all day long and watched the video's at whyquit.com with Joel -  who I love - he taught ME to NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF EVER- ONE day at a time- I read his book with the same title - please this is MY RECOVERY story- I am NOT talking about anyone else- so please take what HELPS and let go of the rest- thank you- I was taught to just breathe when the craving hit- MY cravings lasted 1- 2 minutes- and as I got stronger and stronger in MY belief to remain living as a non smoker -  it became MY life style to live free and joy filled each day God gave ME - so I learned and I grew and I  healed and still I still keep learning and remain open minded to obeyed all the SUGGESTIONS given to ME - I was taught to stand up and march in place for 2 minutes- until the cravings passed AGAIN- each time the cravings were less and less - NOW a days I gotta pray to remain a responder NOT a reactor- I used to smoke at people! Thanks for letting ME share MY RECOVERY from NICOTINE story and God blessing ME with the gift of soberity 32 YEARS ago- TODAY! MY NEW DAY living alive in this very present MOMENT is so good and peace filled TODAY deep down inside my heart and soul! So  thanks AGAIN for letting ME be ME in MY NEW DAY- gosh it is good to be alive and free from MY many bondages in MY Lord Jesus name amen.  

DonnaMarie

Day 156 and looking forward

Posted by DonnaMarie May 22, 2019

Icky tummy - gone. Whew. Mini depression over sort of forced retirement - going away. Whew. Planning for life after May 31 - in progress. Whew.

 

All is well in the world once more. I've had some time to digest the no longer working for pay thing and it's looking prettier and prettier each day. I'm past the point of being gob smacked by the client's decision to go in another direction and my hours being cut to 3 a week. I'm at the point now of looking at what I need to continue to pursue my sewing/craft sales, and taking advantage of the money I have right this minute to round out what I need to carry on. My daughter is coming to help me hone my photography skills (she's a pro) and I've ordered a couple props that I've needed. In the same vein, I'm getting rid of old props that I'll never use again (a dress form, etc.).

 

It's all about purpose.

 

Our quits rely on our purpose as well. If I get up in the morning and have nothing to do day after day after day, I will soon fall back into bad self-care and bad habits of all ilk. If I get up in the morning with a plan to proceed, I will have purpose. Part of my purpose is getting up because I'm alive and have a day. Part of my purpose is to maintain my weight loss and my quit. Part of my purpose is to complete projects, photograph them, prep them for sale on line, and maybe plan a craft show table in the fall, which I've wanted to do for eons.

 

Today, I'm working on plans and looking through clearer eyes. I have zip to do in the real world. Tomorrow is oral surgeon and then a walk at Busch Gardens with my son and playing cards in the evening with friends. I may have mentioned I've reached out to a couple theater friends to let them know my evenings will be free again starting in June. Who knows? I might work back stage again (loved doing that).

 

Thanks for all the kind and encouraging words. I'm back to being a better me today.

 

BTW, I dreamed I smoked a few and didn't tell you gals and guys! EX is now part of my life so much that it shows up in my danged dreams.

Donna

Day 156

 

 

Photo Credit

I did resign today and it was accepted. My last day will be May 31. I am not ruling out working for someone else, but for the time being, I'm not applying. I have so many half-finished projects (meant to sell), and that will be my job for now.

 

The company I contracted with provides clients for me to work with. So if I say I work for Bank of America, they're really a client of the company I work for. Confused? The client I was doing primary moderation work for is going in another direction and in the process, I was cut to the 3 hours a week I mentioned.

 

After a long night of no sleep and wondering what the heck to do, Richard and I came up with the quit plan. He's retiring soon anyway, so it's time to do our thing.

 

At this current time, I feel great about the decision. Earlier today, I was a mite bit cranky about the whole thing. The good news is that I didn't get gob smacked and smoke. I got gob smacked and started problem solving. Smoking was never an option.

 

So there's the story and I think I'm good with it.

 

Donna

Day whatever

 

 

 

 

 

Photo Credit

indingrl.01.06.2011

IN MY IF DAY

Posted by indingrl.01.06.2011 May 21, 2019

It seems all I think on this day of MY non smoker life style is -  death of MY daughter -  MY husband - MYSELF- MY other daughter - I am getting all caught up in MY mind of what IF -  it's all emotions crushed together like a drink of self chaos created for NO reason - in MY mom heart that has said prayers and believes -  YET - WAITING on doctors to approve her to get ON the list - our appointment is 28th of May to find out if she has been approved and WAITING on God for our outcome- DEATH or LIFE - ALL MY FEARS and insecurities all in MY head  - craziness of the UNKNOWN - and the closer MY daughter's liver numbers get worse - she is closer to dying - the greater to be approved to get on the list- seems WHACKADO to ME - I am tired of the week I spent in the hospital - I went in healthy came out sick - horrible dry coughing and sore throat so raw from coughing and it hurts to swallow - I am alot better than I was saturday and TODAY because I didn't go out on monday to my support group I was sick still and I didn't go out today to MY Bible study group because I am still sick - it is very hard for ME to love and be kind and caring to ME - I had to learn that THROUGH pain and educating MYSELF on how to be a human being NOT DOING human being 24/7 -  so others will like ME - old habits and patterns die hard in ME - I am just here and staring into NOTHING -  as I try to take care of MYSELF lovingly - I am still learning New behaviors by self educating MYSELF with inside truth at remaining open minded to keep learning and growing and healing yet wishing - it was ALL over- YESTERDAY - I don't want to live at the hospital- I dont want to go through this FAITH test -  yet I will -  for I say OUTLOUD - I love My Lord Jesus - I love MYSELF and I love MY daughter and MY ACTIONS speak the loudest - just like I am responsible for MY NEW mindset in early RECOVERY from NICOTINE - I must be diligent at MY continued thinking to THINK -  what I am thinking about TODAY - it ain't nicotine - it ain't MY daughter - it's ALL about ME taking care of ME -  to get well so I can live in the this present MOMENT - breathing AND blogging to VENT. I will NOT live in an appointment NOT here yet - I will CHOOSE to live in the NOW of this day only with attitude gratitude. Gentle hug and thanks for letting ME share MY fears and insecurities - this too shall pass - I think I am thinking ok with a daughter who is slowly dying in front of me - I don't have a blue print to go off of - this is ALL lifted to MY God. Amen.

DonnaMarie

Day 155, starting out early

Posted by DonnaMarie May 21, 2019

Did a lot of pondering last night and am not 100% sure how I'm going to handle the work reduction. I'm thinking I just might retire and get to work on my sewing ideas. I've been collecting vintage fabrics for projects, recycled denim for bags, and all sorts of stuff. Maybe it's just time. We'll see.

 

All the EXers should be done with their EX7 travel. It's time to plan EX8.

 

Sending vibes of safety to any of us in the severe weather path in OK.

 

And here goes Tuesday!

 

Donna

Day 155

DonnaMarie

Sharing something poopy

Posted by DonnaMarie May 20, 2019

Over the last two and a-half years, I've gone from 2 part time jobs that totaled well over 40 hours a week, sometimes 70 hours a week, to 1 part time job that often was over 40 hours a week, to the same part time job at about 15-20 hours a week (by choice), and today, the client I work for via my company through whom I contract, cut everyone back and I'll be working 3 hours a week after June 1.

 

Now I ask you, is 3 hours a week even worth it? I've historically worked evenings by choice so I can have my days free. With the new schedule, I'll work 1/2 hour on Saturday evening and 2-1/2 hours on Sunday evening. Between now and June 1, I will decide whether I want to say F* it and quit, and I am toying with the idea of trying to find another job.

 

For this evening, I'm peeved. Really peeved. LOL

 

I did not even think about smoking as my stomach was churning and my heart racing as I read the email to all of us working this client. Argh. Maybe it's time to retire for real? What the heck will I do with my time?

DonnaMarie

Day 154 - blech

Posted by DonnaMarie May 20, 2019

Back to reality today, day 154 of my quit.

 

I spent a good number of hours with people from EX at VA Beach and yet, the strangest thing happened. From Pacific Avenue (one street over from the oceanfront) to the interstate heading home, I was urging like you wouldn't believe. I know why - I left my friends, other EX smokers; I was alone and no one would know. I fell back into my former way of thinking - no one will know. But you know what? I would know. By the time I reached Interstate 64 headed west, I had processed and moved on from the urge. Stupid addiction. I wish it would stop rearing its ugly head. Any why do I even begin to care that no one will know? That's just plain dumb. But that's being a smoker, whether you smoke or not. Making deals with the devil for just one. N.O.P.E. I don't do that anymore.

 

Sunday, I had a visit from the upset stomach gremlin. I thought it might have been something I ate while out with JACKIE1-25-15 Saturday afternoon, but it didn't hit her, so I'm not sure what bit me. I pretty much stayed home yesterday and tried not to be sick. Sleep is your friend sometimes! Today, it's still here, but not as bad, so maybe it's just a 24-hour something or other. In the meantime, it's Ramen and white food for another day. When I was a kid, my mom would make us bouillon with tiny noodles when we were sick. This is as close as I can come to having my mom take care of me

 

Today, though, I had errands that couldn't be put off, so got all that done and now I'm hanging at home and taking it easy. I know that the last of the EX7 group is leaving or has left Virginia Beach by this hour. Kind of bittersweet. A short time spent with such wonderful people. My message to all of them and that I need to do myself is to keep showing up for all of us. I don't think many people here have any idea what effect that have on quitters like me and everyone who signs on here at EX looking for a hand, a shoulder, an ear/eye.

 

And on that note, I think it's time to put my feet up and let the stomach rumbling subside.

 

Donna

Day 154

 

 

Photo credit

Got home from Virginia Beach Ex 7 about 11:30pm last evening. Unfortunately my husbands Elderly Mother had another fall where she resides at an Assisted Living facility, therefore we had to make a quick exit after Saturday mornings meeting. Today she turns 94. She’s doing as well as to be expected and no broken bones.

 

 I titled my blog ‘wherever I go ~there you are’ because I was thinking about all the wonderful people I left behind at Virginia Beach. I felt so comfortable around them and it just seemed las though I had known them all forever. EVERYONE was exactly how they present themselves on the site…and there they were and here I was….and even now, being back home…I feel their love and presence all the time. Its such a blessing to know all of them and all of you reading this who could not attend. You were ALL missed. This Ex family is simply an extension of my own. This Ex family is such a strong security for me that makes me never want to disappoint anyone here and to protect my quit that much ore and helps me to stay accountable and vigilant.

 

Kathi Strudel and Laura Michwoman Thank you so much for all your planing and putting this together. Giulia Giulia, that was an amazing quit song, I just loved it. From the cool N.O.P.E. buttons from  Barb102 and getting to meet her and her husband....., to the beach cupcakes from Kathi    Strudel, from the deep belly laughs with  Sharon shashort, Patty-cake and Jojo jojo_2-24-11   …( Hopefully you guys made it out of the elevator that night after I left to go to bed, lol~ it just guest prove that brunettes can be as silly as us blondes) ( Also, fo some reason I am not able to do @mention on some of the names here I'm sorry

 

From the evening of boardwalk music with Giulia ( Next year I will bring a guitar instead, it will make it easier for me to tune to you. 8 mando strings make it hard) and Daniela-3-11-2016 ( and your fabulous cookies )and a kind fellow who stopped by to smile on our journey and play a song for us….From the Dinner with everyone….The surprise of our beautiful Stac2 showing up and finally getting to meet her…and Jennifer-Quit-05-01-14  and JACKIE1-25-15 and both Donnas ( DonnaMarie and djmurray_12-31-14  ) and Tommy pir8fan you  guys are ALL so important to me, ShawnP and Rick~ we need an Ex Ohio reunion, me thinks  , Sootie Sudie , Brenda_M and that sweet little boy,…and Ellen elvan who has always , not surprisingly I might add, been there to reach out to seemingly everyone who has EVER come to Ex…I dont know how she does it….and Valarie Valerie30 , who I also had no idea was coming, she has the most amazing smile….and Kathis sister Chris, I am sorry I did not get to talk to more  but talk about ART TALENT! Geese, her quilts blew me away!!! And @Mark  ( See...I cant get the @ thingy to work even for your name, so I hope you see this and maybe fix the ones I could not get to work???? But Mark....Thank you for keeping our site organized and for your heartfelt story you shared about your Uncle, he would be so proud of what your doing now, Bless you  because with your computer talent you could work pretty much anywhere yet to you choose to be here and help our community get stronger. its a thankless job and someone has to do it and you d it very well! Holy Cow, did I leave anyone out???? I love you ALL so very very much…If I left someone out, forgive me please. 

 

My husband enjoyed meeting all of you as well and felt bad we had to cut short our visit. He said I have some very special friends and is very happy and grateful for all the support you have ALL given to me to  quit and stay quit. Okay, now I am crying, because its going to be a whole year before I see you guys again, but I WILL see you on the site and wild horses won't keep me away from Ex 8….Because where I go~ there I am and you will be too….a sweet memory I will always have near my heart and cherish forever!   Love to all!

Prayers sent out to all of you for safe travels home. See you on the site, xoxoxo

DonnaMarie

EX reflections - Day 153

Posted by DonnaMarie May 19, 2019

Stac2When this picture was taken yesterday, I truly didn't know everyone's names. Today, I kinda do. What you see in this picture are heroes of all ilk, and this isn't the whole group of them. This picture is missing the youngest of the group, @Brenda_M, and her toddler son - I'm so proud of her for quitting now and ensuring her son will not grow up with a mom who smokes. Also missing is Jackie, who I went out and walked with, had lunch with, and later had dinner with.  Also missing is Daniella, who I picked up from the airport and had amazing conversation with overlooking the ocean on the deck of her room. Oh yeah, our fearless leader, Mark, isn't in this picture either.

 

I am pretty rotten at names, so sorry if I didn't get yours on the list, but here are a few of us:

 

1. Barb102

2. Strudel/Kathy

3. pir8fan - Tommy

4. elvan/Ellen

5. Back - Mandolinrain/Missy

5. shashort

6. Stac2

7.  Michwoman Laura

8. Giulia 

9. Valerie30

10. ShawnP/Shawn

11. Rick_M

12. Sootie 

13. djmurray_12-31-14

14. Jennifer-Quit-05-01-14/Jennifer

15.  Me

 (Updated list with additions from Youngatheart.7.4.12)

 

 

Fill me in who the other people are. I had a great item with all of them, but can't remember who's who. Ah, being 60ish is interesting that way.

 

Some people are still in Virginia Beach enjoying yet another gorgeous day in Virginia. I'm home, watching a Humphrey Bogart movie, making hummingbird food, doing some backyard chores, working, and having a Sunday with memories and reflections running through my head.

 

Pictures, a little bit of sunburn, and a whole lot of new family members - that's what I'm taking from EX7.

 

I did have a bit of an urge driving home, like mom and dad weren't watching so it was okay. I basically told that urge to take a hike and drove on my merry way. Never let your guard down. That's one of my major mottoes.

 

Everyone have a great Sunday.

 

Donna

Day 153

WE are heading home TODAY - Saturday - May 18, 2019- NO TIPS SURGERY NEEDED- gave more pills and blood test TWO times a week - WE ARE OUT OF HERE!!!

It's sad but I feel like a stranger around here.  I haven't had the time or the energy to be on the boards much lately.  I miss being able to give support to others on their journey from newbies to old timers.  I've written a few blogs but deleted them before posting.  It didn't seem right to post my goings on without being a support to others.  Besides, I'm an absolute wreck other than being a non-smoker.  That is the one thing that is going great.  Had some really, really tough situations come by that would have sent me running to the store but it didn't even cross my mind.  So for anyone who is unsure about the power that certain phrases have to keep you on track I'd like to offer my 2 cents.  These words are like the golden rule; learn them, follow them, live by them.  It really does work!!

 

I don't smoke anymore. That's in the past and the past is done!

I am an addict when it comes to nicotine.  I am in rehab, drying out and learning to live without my drug.

Smoking didn't change anything before which proves that it won't help or change anything now.

I am stronger than I give myself credit for so I can do this!

The next time I say I want or need a smoke, ask myself first if I want or need COPD, Emphysema, Cancer, etc. and the answer is N.O.P.E.!

 

 

I have now gone over 8 months being a non-smoker after 35 years and a million quits that never went this distance. It really amazes me and I couldn't have done it without everyone on EX!  Thank you all and I hope I can be around here more often than I have.

 

Julie

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of picking up a couple of women at the airport for the EX get together in Virginia Beach.

 

The drive to Norfolk to the airport in days gone by would have been at least a 3-cigarette trip. I had zero.

 

The flight was delayed and I found a parking space in the garage and walked around a bit. In the old days, that would have been another 3 cigarettes at least. I had zero.

 

I got around to the front of the airport while Jennifer got her luggage. Yesteryear, that would have been a 2-cigarette event. I had zero.

 

Then the drive to the hotel, the wrong hotel the first time. Another cigarette not smoked.

 

You get the picture. There was another ride to the hotel, meeting up with a few of the EXers, and then driving home eventually.

 

I really believe I'd have devoured a pack of cigarettes at another time in life. I am SO glad I don't do that anymore and am so happy to meet others who have made the same decision.

 

I have life to tend with today, but I'll be joining the EXers in Virginia Beach tomorrow. Time to get to know the people who have helped me through the quit and then some.

 

Happy Friday!

 

Donna

Day 151

hattonc

Day 66

Posted by hattonc May 15, 2019

Good Afternoon,

Hope everyone is having a good day.. been with the my girls today  not much going on.. last 4 days were stressful dealing with some personal issues and was so close to caving in .. but I did not!! I want this quit more than anything.. I don’t want to disappoint myself .. I just notice when I’m really stressed out the thought pops up, but I am stronger then nicotine today .  N.O.P.E

indingrl.01.06.2011

PAUSE IN TIME

Posted by indingrl.01.06.2011 May 15, 2019

First I thanked MY Daddy God and sang Psalm 117 out loud and thanked MY Lord Jesus and MY Holy Spirit and NOW all of YOU for praying - TODAY the team of doctors said they will control the ascities aka fluid build up -  with more meds and will NOT do the - TIPS procedure - they will DO a echocardiogram tomorrow and possible send Jaime HOME on Saturday! I been thanking and singing praises to my God-  off and on all this day long -  living alittle more longer without the last resorts aka TIPS procedure-HOORAY FOR JESUS! Thanks for letting ME share and it really does work to say the Serenity prayer - God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change - COURAGE to change the things I can and the WISDOM to know the difference - Fact I cannot change Jaime's stage 4 cirrhosis of the liver - I can change MY attitude asking God to change ME- I know God is in COMPLETE control of ALL- so MY NON SMOKER life style is full of good bad ugly with love joy peace and most of ALL OF YOU - life on life's terms is wonderful with God and ALL MY family here in UNITY to NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF EVER- together no matter what life throws - one moment and I remember to BREATHE just BREATHE- thanks for letting ME share - gentle hug. 

DonnaMarie

Day 149

Posted by DonnaMarie May 15, 2019

Ah, that feeling when your oral surgery is over and you've taken a couple pills to get you to nap land. That's where I am right now. The mouth is waking up, but I'll def use the Percocet today to keep it quiet. By tomorrow, it'll be calmed down and be fine. I have people to pick up at the airport tomorrow for the EX Va Beach thingie! I better be fine

 

I've been talking a lot about my husband's impending retirement on May 24. As we were heading off to sleep last night, he started talking about a conversation he'd had with his boss after sending one of those "what do we need to do to wrap this up" emails. The company really doesn't want him to go, so they've offered to keep him on until the fall and see how things are going then. It wasn't what I was expecting to hear for sure. I told him if this is what he wants, then I support him regardless. So, I'm not sure what the hell is going on here. LOL

 

I dreamed of smoking last night and how I went ahead and bought a pack. Here's why that's not going to happen:

 

1.  I don't do that anymore.

2.  The acid reflux issue is aggravated by smoking.

3.  Bladder cancer can be caused by smoking.

4.  I've spent way too much on dental work to damage my mouth any further.

5.  I don't do that anymore.

 

It's weird to wake up from smoking dreams, but it's also a relief to know it was just a dream.

 

149 days! Not gonna bust that quit. It's the second longest I've been quit that I can remember. I did quit for 8 years once. Sigh.

 

Happy Wednesday everyone! Will see some of you this weekend.

 

 

Donna

Day 149

 

 

Photo credit: Vintage Virginia Beach 

I found the chapel in this HUGE community of buildings known as Northwestern Memorial Hosital in Chicago - MY Daddy God has brought people to talk with ME- I go to an area to take a break and get quiet -a man shares his 23yr had a heart transplant as a baby- recent kidney transplant that didn't work and now his 23yr daughter has cancer - another gentleman spoke on his speaker phone - while sitting next to ME - his 35yr old son is being sent to hospice after 5 years on life support-  I was told by the dad of the 23yr daughter- you always find out someone is worst off than you. I go to this chapel to talk with MY Daddy God and MY Lord Jesus and MY Holy Comforter in MY spirit - heart and soul  - I just sit - the tears will NOT flow for MY grieving has flowered into peace from MY Holy Comforter that is beyond MY words -beyond MY understanding -  I am accepting that I am NOT in control- the TEAM of doctors have given MY daughter-  double water pills and i.v. meds ALL to get her body to work at getting rid of water fluids trapped in her body-15 pounds of water must be out before procedure can be done- the medicine double up pills plan - it didn't work like they planned -  so gave her an i.v. med to put protein back into her liver because her body is pushing water out of her skin through her calves - now they put compression socks on her too- they are trying to save her life- I know HEAD KNOWLEDGE and I bring MY MOM HEART to MY blessed Trinity in strong confidence to admit MY fears and hold on to MY FAITH in God's Holy Word- thanks for letting ME share- they are trying to stabilize her body - lungs - heart - to do an operation on a dying liver to make it hold on until a liver is transplanted- I surrendered to - MY Daddy God his beloved daughter Jaime that HE hid in Christ- I surrender to MY Lord Jesus HIS beloved Jaime in HIS VICTORY on the Cross - death - burial and ressurection and I asked MY Holy Comforter to teach ME how to stand strong in MY Lord Jesus faith in ME and be still and know - ALL is done for MY daughter's suffering to meet Christ's glory in the midst of MY MOM heart which breathes in and out deep in pain - fears and uncontrolled wild emotions-  screaming- DO something - fix something - eat something- avoid and run from MY REALITY -  yet I loving stop and ask MYSELF questions and stay in this present moment  - unknowing the physical outcome - I don't understand it ALL-  but I do know how good and loving and full of tender mercies MY GOD IS NOW AND FOREVER which is in ME through Christ's FAITH in ME- MY BELIEF - for it is written WE are Christ's and Christ is God's- so I sit in this chapel and other faiths come in and out -each praying to their OWN personal God of THEIR free will choice and I remain focused - MY eyes on MY Lord Jesus by asking for HELP and I still just sit and breathe - NOT knowing the outcone and I pray -  PLEASE Lord heal her quickly or take her quickly - please don't let her suffer in Jesus name amen. This is MY prayer - I am NOT talking about anyone else- so please take what HELPS and let go of the rest- to be HELPFUL is MY only aim - thank you- TODAY MY daughter told ONE of many doctors- she has a team of doctor specialists in ALL areas of preparing her to get ON the transplanting list - she told that ONE doctor that her last death stick was May 10, 2019.  I say to MYSELF - sometimes it takes DEATH to change - and I remembered - but for the grace of God go I - thanks for letting ME share MY non smoker living - MY experience strength and hope- NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF EVER- THAT AINT GONNA HEAL MY DAUGHTER'S LIVER OR GET HER ON THE LIST OR GET HER A TRANSPLANT LIVER- NICOTINE is NOT MY solution TODAY- sharing MY thoughts and feelings and MOM heart to BLOG is MY solution - TODAY - and it is WONDERFUL to be free from MY NICOTINE ADDICTION for YEARS NOW so thank you - EVERYONE - for your blogs and love and  support and prayers - I do appreciate Y'ALL- gentle hug. 

DonnaMarie

Day 148

Posted by DonnaMarie May 14, 2019

Stupid throat/acid update - The medication is doing its job. I'm not 100%, but I'm so much better off than I was. I am feeling like me again today. Now to learn how to avoid foods that make this worse and get through the scope to see what's what.

 

It was a really busy day with some hours at the probation office, physical therapy, and then errands. I was smart enough to put some stuff in the crock pot before I left this morning, so there was dinner. Tomorrow, I see the oral surgeon to start the last kind of surgical phase of the implants I've been working on (yay for smoking messing up dental health over the years! not), and I'm looking forward to have yet another process finished. Those two implants and my two trigger fingers and I should be good to go for a while. That's the plan, Stan!

 

At home, we are planning for my husband's retirement. What is he going to do with his time???

 

And yep, it's day 148 of no smoking. One reason I keep writing these blog entries is the power of typing out the number of days of smobriety. Like I tell others, knowing that number is growing gives me the impetus to keep going. It's not the only motivator, but it's a biggie. I can build on that 148.

 

Happy Tuesday, everyone.

 

Donna

 

anaussiemom

Angel Affirmation May 14th

Posted by anaussiemom May 14, 2019

I am a grateful recipient of all the goodness and grace flowing to me now. 
I am open, receptive, and ready.

Amen





I went to the doctor today and he agrees that I've probably damaged my esophagus with ibuprofen. It's the same situation that put me in the hospital in December (after which I quite smoking). Apparently it is not healed to the degree I thought it was, so the plan is to continue the dumb medication and to have an esophageal scan/endoscopy to check to what extent I've damaged the dumb esophagus. I explained to the doctor that if this is a chronic thing, I'm okay with it, but I would like to know what's going on. The saga will continue for a while longer, but I'm not as pissed off about it today.

 

Day 147 of smobriety and it makes dumb esophageal stuff seems super minimal, right?

 

Rain, rain, and more rain today. I see a nap in my future

 

Donna

Day 147

hattonc

Day 64

Posted by hattonc May 13, 2019

Good Morning..

I Hope everyone had a great weekend and a good Mother’s Day for all the moms on this site. I had a great Mother’s Day. I was truly blessed this year.. and I am so very greatful that I don’t smoke anymore.. N.O.P.E

SUFFERING- AKA- MY HOLY SPIRIT'S FRUIT OF HIS PATIENCE- by MY faith when HE is pleased to give it to ME- please I am talking about ME -  not any one else- so please take what HELPS and let go of the rest- to be HELPFUL is MY only aim- thank you- living MY non smoker life style in an attitude of gratitude is a WILD adventure here on the 13th floor of Northwestern - Chicago hospital - the best liver transplant hospital in the WORLD- they are NOT doing the TIPS procedure for cirrohsis of the liver -  UNTIL -  the 30 pounds of water n her BODY is peed OUT - and is draining out of her right lung naturally or they will suck it out again - they double her water pills in i.v. form yesterday and TODAY they put her meds back to pill form - waiting for results and then they weighed her yesterday and 2 pounds more water gained- waiting for more tests - heart test - woman examine to be taken on monday and then they took 14 viles of blood this morning - more scheduled tests to come - xray chest- ultra sound for liver test again - once ALL tests done and results meet requirement for procedure to be done- then more discussion BEFORE - proceed to create one NEW vein in her liver- sometimes I just pray SILENTLY TO MY GOD IN MY MOM HEART - please can WE just get this OVER- yesterday!!!! and go home! SILENTLY crying crying crying inside of ME yet outside of ME - I continue to serve in HIS love- to MY beloved daughter - in MY Lord Jesus name amen- AWE I am breathing freely and relieved INSIDE MY MOM HEART so thank you ALL for letting ME VENT -I hold on to saying to ME -  this too shall pass- I thank God for this support group and ALL MY support groups for YOUR prayers and because I am totally FOCUSED on MY Lord Jesus led by MY Holy Spirit - I read out loud MY Bible Philippians chapter 4 verses 1- 7 amen - then I pray to remembe to Praise God that she is at the #1 liver hospital- being taken care of and should Jesus tarry -  she will be APPROVED AND PUT ON THE TRANSPLANT LIVER LIST BY TIME SHE LEAVES-  this place - THEY TOLD HER!  I will WAIT on MY Lord Jesus to actually HEAR that when WE leave here- thanks again for ALL those giving YOUR - empathy - time - prayers and most I am very very grateful for ALL of YOUR walking your talk living YOUR OWN non smoker life styles with YOUR good bad and tough times too -  gentle hug.

DonnaMarie

144 days

Posted by DonnaMarie May 10, 2019

The story of my quit starts with a one-day/overnight hospitalization for chest pain, which turned out, after testing, to most likely be gastroesophageal reflux. Anyway, when I left the hospital, I never smoked again. I also started a medication called Protonix, which is for the esophageal stuff. I weaned off of it and haven't taken it for at least a month or so. Recently, I'm having issues swallowing again and feeling that my throat is full. I'm pretty sure it's the reflux thing and have a call in to my doctor to see if I need to start the stupid meds again.

 

Cover your eyes if you're not a fan of kind of cussing, but aging is not for pussies. I take a step forward and two steps back, then three steps forward and a step back, and well, I want it to even out. I don't mind dealing with issues, but I like knowing what to do and not have them continue.

 

The good news is that I haven't smoked for 144 days.

 

Friday is turning out to be stupid, and I'm okay with that.

indingrl.01.06.2011

Acceptance

Posted by indingrl.01.06.2011 May 10, 2019

Back to ER last night at 8pm - home at 1030pm for ME- rough sleep - up at 6am exercise 4 mile aerobics with Leslie Sansone and back to hospital at 7am-  MY world is small- MY Lord Jesus - MY daughter and ME- the doctors with their assistants - special list in areas of - lung- liver- bowels- heart- with nurses and care givers- ALL these personalities- acceptance is MY key - daughter no eat no drink - acceptance - listening to ALL the different orders - acceptance- no ice chips- NOTHING BY MOUTH- acceptance- daughter progressing good from half pack drug NICOTINE to two puffs before entering ER last night- ALL medical state to her - you need to quit BEFORE TRANSPLANT - duh- acceptance- i STAY in prayer - i ask MY Holy Spirit to HELP me-  to keep ME focused on MY Lord Jesus - the NEXT adventure is ambulance ride to transplant hospital called kovler organ transplant center- downtown Chicago- acceptance - I am trying to remember gratitude list - acceptance and to Praise MY Lord and continue to ask in prayer for HELP - acceptance- the LIVER doctor said a procedure to be done on MY daughter is - called transjugular intraheptic portosystemic shunt - TIPS for short - it is a 2- 3 hours procedure - side effects of this procedure is coma or loss of mind remembering or bleeding or fever or death - which MY daughter bellows out loud-  nice and clear to ME - acceptance- take no offense - acceptance - she hasn't ate anything or drank water - since 1130 last night -and this procedure is- to create a NEW connection between two blood vessels in her liver- also while she is STILL trying to GET approval to GET on transplant list - thanks for letting ME share and vent and HELP-  anyone who thinks or feels non smoker living is ALL good with no life problems - life is life- acceptance and for ME it sucks!!! YET choices - acceptance - CHOICES -  acceptance - MY choices - acceptance- readjusting and refocus with MY NEW mindset is to be a breathe of fresh air and helpful to MY beloved daughter - acceptance - in HIS love in MY Lord Jesus name amen - thank you all for YOUR prayers time and most of ALL EMPATHY - FYI - ME CHOOSING to use nicotine will NOT make my daughters liver NEW - it would give ME - early death - or suffocating SLOWLY - TODAY I choose to STAY a non smoker living in MY moment of trusting God and MY Lord Jesus and MY PRECIOUS Holy Spirit for the outcome - acceptance - which I pray brings GLORY to OUR Lord Jesus -  on this earth NOW -  it is written - the fulness of the deity in bodily form in Christ in me- by MY FAITH- acceptance-  I trust Jesus for HIS will above ALL to be done for MY daughter and her 16 yr daughter and her 12 yr son and all the adults in our family in Jesus name amen- acceptance-  using drug NICOTINE NEVER entered MY NEW mindset - coming here and blogging to be HELPFUL to newbees to know -  MY life goes on and it is NOT all sunshine and roses- MY solution is to HELP the next SUFFERING NICOTINE ADDICTS to know just because YOU are not using YOUR DRUG NICOTINE doesn't mean YOUR not gonna have bad stuff STILL happens- acceptance-  so get READY FOR the adventure to begin- LOOK at ME - i am at that jumping off place of CHOOSING - this day whom YOU will serve - SELF or MY Lord Jesus- for ME - i am not TALKING about any one else- just ME- PLEASE take what HELPS and let go of the rest - to be HELPFUL is MY only aim - gentle hug. NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF EVER-  Yahoooo- acceptance-  MY daughter lives another day in Jesus name amen

hattonc

Day 60!!!

Posted by hattonc May 9, 2019

Well I made it to Day 60!!!wheew!! It’s been a journey and moving forward !! Thank you to everyone on this site for always being quick to answer my post!! Some amazing people here!! Have a great day everyone!!

Cindy 

DonnaMarie

Good things, day 143

Posted by DonnaMarie May 9, 2019

Many of you know, I had bladder cancer and surgery for same twice since 2015. I'm very lucky that my tumors were barely stagable and were removed completely with the surgery. I went for my regular follow up visit today. I've been going every 3 months since the last recurrence. And guess what? The cystoscopy was clear (I watched) and I graduated to "let's get together in 9 months" today! Nine months! I haven't been 9 months since the first diagnosis. I believe I'm quite happy about this.

 

BTW, one of the causes of bladder cancer can be and often is smoking. Another reason not to smoke!

 

I'm working on day 143 of no smoking. I say working because the demon has been awake for a few days now, which followed a few weeks of occasional urges. I won't cave because I don't smoke anymore. I just don't. I was watching a television show last night about an extremely obese woman saying she just "had to" break her diet to have something that tasted good. So, she had a plate of fried chicken and onion rings, neither of which was on her prescribed plan. And that led to more eating and more eating and more eating. It's the same concept - N.O.P.E. because one puff is going to lead to regular smoking again. One bust of a diet as was shown on television is going to lead to eating more food that's not really your friend. I have experience there too. Sigh.

 

Anyway, today is a beautiful day. I spent time in Richmond last evening looking at a house with my daughter and then going to a local cafe for dinner with her and her friend. (And it's almost an hour each way with no thoughts of smoking, go figure.)

 

I think quitting is a long term process. I'm no longer a smoker, but I'm still a quitter. Maybe there will come a day when I feel that I'm fully quit.

 

Donna

Day 143

I'm at that point in physical therapy where the shoulder is being activated a lot; therefore, there's a small level of pain for about 24 hours beyond that. Ouch. I've been lucky not to have much pain so far. The nice thing is that there is a painful period and then it gets better, so it's nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, I apparently have pretty good motion. I've have weeks ahead of me, but I'm good with it. You may have noticed that I'm not a fan of the post surgical part of the rotator cuff thing!

 

Today was volunteer day at the probation office. Often, people are outside smoking while they wait to see their officers. They were not out there today. Normally, I wouldn't even notice, but I really didn't want them there today. It's been one of those days (maybe because of fatigue) that I've wanted to smoke (I won't). I even heard a song on the radio going home called "Nobody Smokes," there the singer laments he doesn't have anyone to ask for a light and that nobody smokes anymore. I'm not sure if it was tongue-in-cheek or not.

 

Anyway....

 

I made it through getting up, showering, volunteering, physical therapy, and then a quick stop at the grocery store and did not smoke. Again, I won't and I'm close to 100% sure of that. It does annoy me that I still have urges and as with the urges today, they can be right lengthy.

 

Oh, my PT asked me how the VA Beach weekend with with the quit smoking people. LOL I guess I've talked about it coming up a lot?

 

Donna

Day 141

God loved ME by letting ME have a baby girl who is alive and out of critical care - AGAIN - that happens with stage 4 liver failure - they drained her lung - Thursday and yesterday - Monday - again - half a liter- they gave a blood transfusion yesterday - Monday and her blood pressure finally is 109 / 60 - she is 34 years old - TODAY- MAY 7th - 2019 and might get to go home - TODAY-  to fight another day - PRAISING GOD WITH MY BREATHE AND -  I THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR PRAYERS ! I thank God she is alive to ENJOY her 34 birthday and had requested pizza for bday meal when they release her TODAY!  May God bless EACH and EVERYONE here for your time love EMPATHY to lift MY daughter in pray - it was critical moments - blood pressure 60/40 and they had ICU nurse caring just for MY daughter - YOUR prayers - I believe YOUR prayers did touch MY Daddy Gods ears and heart .....it is written. -GOD IS LOVE....I believe God answered to let her live anorher DAY and she is also doing her part by staying in contact with liver transplant staff and - she is still TRYING to get ON the TRANSPLANT list- NO WORRIES for ME because -  I trust. - MY DOCTOR LORD JESUS -and not no HUMANS -  PLEASE -  i am talking about ME - not anyone else - please take what HELPS and let go of the rest - to be HELPFUL is MY only aim- thank you- and for YOU NEWBEES - LIFE still goes on and jumps out of the bushes punches you in your face -just cause YOU quit using YOUR drug nicotine doesn't mean life quits changing with deaths wedding funerals or people get stage 4 liver failure or die-  SUDDENLY - life KEEPS happening -  I am here to share-  MY non smoker living as it HAPPENS to ME and YOU get to CHOOSE - use your death stick and die or CHOOSE to live and deal with YOUR OWN PERSONAL life - you ain't exempt -  LIFE just happens to all of us- I choose to  just shake it OFF - come here to blog BEFORE I take that FIRST PUFF over ME and accept the experience being offered here and I  will CHOOSE to accept the love others give in their NON SMOKER experience to - NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF EVER- ONE MOMENT AT AT TIME!!! Yahoooo and HOORAY FOR MY LORD JESUS AND GOD'S TENDER MERCIES ON ME- she lives with stage 4 liver failure enjoying this day- CHOOSING to eat pizza on her 34th bday ! God's miracle MY daughter in MY Lord Jesus name amen - gentle hug.

hattonc

Day 58

Posted by hattonc May 6, 2019

Good Evening.

Hope everyone had a good weekend. Not much going on today .. I woke up feeling a little depressed this morning and achy.. but I made myself get up and I went for a light jog.. I really want to get back into running  but I know I need to take it day by day .. I went to visit a friend of mine this evening and she smoked 2 cigarettes while I was there .. she told me she wouldn’t if it bothered me and I told her to go ahead .. maybe I was trying to test myself .. I did good though .. I think I was more worried about smelling like a cigarette.., I don’t do that anymore.. but am very aware of being in No Mans Land.. well goodnight all..

Cindy 

DonnaMarie

140 days

Posted by DonnaMarie May 6, 2019

Into the next decade I hopped today, without smoking and with more time on my hands than I need still.

 

That seems to be the last thing for me - having stuff to do.

 

I need to stop by and see who's here these days. I'm sure we have a lot of new people!

 

Nothing exciting to share today, just that 140 days thing.

 

Happy Monday!

 

Donna

 

Okay, I don't mean to sound like a Debbie Downer today but so far this day has been crazy.  Work is nuts, and now my cell phone isn't functioning properly.  I know I need to just breathe and be patient but I'm really, really angry and I just want to scream.  I hope this day goes better once I eat lunch.

 

27 days down, I know I've got my quit going on.  I have a lot of great things in my life, I'm grateful.  But it's like today nothing is fitting and I really just want to leave work for the rest of the day.  But I'll stay, I'll breathe and pull through, and keep going despite the unpredictability of things.  The only thing I can control is how I respond to the craziness.  And it'll work out.  I am going to take a walk a little later on during my 10-minute afternoon break, and will just hold on.  It's weird that out of nowhere I'm feeling so edgy and irritated because the last week or so has been breezy and easy but today I'm just feeling angry.  Anyway that's it for now, just needed to vent.  Hopefully the second half of my day is smoother than the first half has been.  XO

My hubby Mark has been sick with a cold bug all wk end and he's still feeling pretty Crappy so he's not going to work today unfortunately I believe he passed the bug onto me ugh! Mason's Dad has today off so he can go home after school so that's good hopefully I'll feel a little better tomorrow and Mark too of course BUT hey at least I won't be trying to suck on a damned Cancer Stick hacking, coughing, choking and nearly horking up a lung or possibly even both because I think I need that fix whew not anymore because thankfully I don't do that ANYMORE thank goodness because I know I did no matter how sick I was and I'm sure pretty much all of you did too BUT if we all stick with N.O.P.E and vigilance we'll never ever do it again because we just don't smoke anymore .......

Back in ER at 11am- no ice chips -  no water and nothing to eat - NEXT - HEART pain brought her back and hard time breathing -  right Lung acities fluid - filling again - blood pressure low - at 330pm the doctor came in telling MY daughter they are keeping her and he will see her upstairs to talk - up in room -  the repeating questions from childhood to present day - questions repeated are frustrating to MY daughter -  asking ME - aren't their computers from down stairs ER the same up here connected to send info up here - WHY do I have to repeated the same info AGAIN- I said YOUR on 2 NEW meds and it is the nurses JOB - and YOUR thirsty - hungry and in PAIN - the pain chart 1-10 - YOU said pain level 8- NO pain meds given - due to low blood pressure - heart pain and hard breathing- nurse said ok to order FOOD- NO SODA- just juice and water - Praise The Lord so joy filled she could eat and have WATER- daughter was getting - Hun- ANGRY- the nurse came back and put her on oxygen- this is all part of stage 4 cirrohsis of the LIVER - it is HAPPENING faster these ER visits with the lung fluid  - I stayed in prayer - LIFE on life's terms as a NON SMOKER -  dealing in MY REALITY of MY DAY- I am grateful for doctors - nurses -  care givers and that MY daughter is accepting the CONSEQUENCE of her OWN PERSONAL CHOICE - she is making progress from one and half pack of death sticks to 10 death sticks used in THREE days- total 2 death sticks a day - a process of quitting for MY daughter - what works for her- I continue to prayer and ask MY Holy Comforter to hold me tight and counsel ME through this moment to accept and be HELPFUL to MY daughter and 16 yr old grand daughter - WHO drove her MOM to the ER and was a HELP to her mom - keeping laughter in the air- I love endophins - laughter is the best medicine through tears- please take what HELPS and let go of the rest - to be HELPFUL is MY only aim- thank you - fyi- the news just reported 2 patient with legionaire disease at the University of Chicago today- I prayed and surrendered MY worries to God in MY Lord Jesus name amen- FYI - that's where MY daughter and I went for tests -  rules and requirements to get ON the LIVER LIST- 3 weeks ago  - OUR adventure continues - thanks for letting ME share HOW I thank God for loving and living EACH moment as a learning - growing - and healing non smoker in HIS love and service to the NEXT SUFFERING NICOTINE ADDICT - giving HOPE - by sharing this site YEARS ago with MY daughter - and again on Thursday - I  read her MY last blog - out loud - so the seed was planted YEARS ago- outcome in MY Daddy God's hands- yahooooooo- gentle hug.

hattonc

Day 55

Posted by hattonc May 4, 2019

Good Afternoon..

Made it to another Saturday smoke free.. past couple of days I’ve felt a little more stressed and have had some urges here and there.. I can’t even say “to smoke” cuz it’s not something I ever want to do again ..but why are the urges still there ? I keep myself busy most of the time .. I saw a guy earlier standing by the mailboxes at my apartment complex smoking,and I thought to myself how glad I was that it wasn’t me hiding somewhere to smoke.. I just want this emptiness and feeling like I’ve lost something to go away .. I know I haven’t lost but gained a new life , just need to make some changes .. Have a good day. Day 55 .. 

anaussiemom

Black Mail

Posted by anaussiemom May 3, 2019

Friday Frollies

Craziness, silliness, Foolish.

I love Funny Fridays.




True.  Hm, did I accidentally take 2 welbutrin or one today?  Hate that. 21 mg patch.  Crazy combo.   Oh well.




In The Mist Of Day 2.

ER visits are get 3 months apart- stage 4 liver failure will do that- it is called ascities - fluid filling MY adult daughter right lung- doctor will drain it - very painful to MY daughter - and test for amonia levels and she may NEED blood transfusion - I thank MY Daddy God she is accepting each stage of this disease and for letting us BOTH live in OUR REALITY of TODAY- EKG time - just got back from XRAY - NEXT- thanks for letting ME be ME and just sharing MY non smoker lifestyle. - living ONE day at a time -  sometimes I cry so hard - I can't breathe - sometimes I hold MY breathe cause I don't know what to DO - sometimes I hold MY breathe out here in the world because this ER is packed with people sick and families with them are just like ME - holding OUR breathe - waiting for the GOOD NEWS- gentle hug.

hattonc

Day 53

Posted by hattonc May 2, 2019

Good Morning,

Happy Thursday.. Day 53.. yesterday was a little strange..  having some cravings or strong urges.. got threw them but is this NML? And also I came down with a cold past few days it seems like every time I start an exercise regimen I get sick somehow. Still having issues with my sleeping pattern can’t seem to sleep past 2 or 3 am daily .. I don’t like to be negative when I come to this site but it is what it is.. just taking it day by day and not smoking that’s for sure !! Don’t want to! Hope everyone has a great day !!

Cindy

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