Nicotine Free 9 Days....Ready to cave in

Blog Post created by tyke1980 on Mar 28, 2019

I'm a bit desperate for SOMETHING to help me.  I've been 9 days free of smoking and have really been enjoying exercising without panting, wondering when I can smoke, not smelling, etc...  Great benefits so far but having a hard time since quitting because of so many things going on.  I came to my parents an hour away the day I quit for medical appointments and am still here 9 days later because of ongoing issues.  Being at home is good and bad.  I know I will disappoint my parents if I light up but THEY are the ones who make me want to because I feel like I am suffocating here.  I have no choice though and honestly, it's keeping me smoke free.  I have chronic pain and GI issues and feel like nothing is EVER going to get better in my life.  I feel like the walls are closing in and I told my parents that I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to stay "smoke free" for them.  I NEVER again want to feel that I have to please THEM.    I was going to go home today but staying another 2 nights for my own safety.  My parents had to go out of town for the night and I'm happy about that because I get "alone" time but the cravings are severe. I threw out all my cigs at home but found 1/4 pack here in my room at my parents and I know I need to get rid of them but my mind keeps saying otherwise and that one won't hurt me and maybe it'll help the suicidal thoughts.  I honest to GOD think it would.  It's that or going to go smoke pot which I don't usually do.  I'm on Benzos (xanax, Klonopin) but they're not helping with this feeling.  I know smoking pot is "smoking" and can lead to relapse.  Right now, I'm trying to fight the bigger evil and that is my anxiety and not finding much hope in living anymore.  Smoking seems to be the least of my issues at THIS moment.  I don't want to and that is why I am begging for help.  I've come so far and quit cold turkey except for 4 pieces of nicotine gum.  Any and all advice would help.  Even though the nicotine is way out of my system now, should I risk chewing a piece of gum and see if it helps?   


I should add my parents are amazing people but growing up with mental illness made me think differently about experiences growing up than my 2 siblings.  They are both healthy (mind and body) and happy with families.  I am planning on taking my folks to therapy so we can workout what I may have bottled up from childhood.  I love my parents more than anyone.