Freedomcat

The day I quit

Blog Post created by Freedomcat on Dec 28, 2018

Today is day 1 of my quit. 16 hours, 59 minutes to be exact (according to my app). 

 

This morning I felt fine. Some cravings. Mostly hung in and read blogs, prayed,  coloured, listened to music, enjoyed my morning coffee and breakfast, etc. I thought...this isnt so bad!

 

Ha! At around 12:30pm, I started feeling wonky. Someone described it well in a blogpost. Like being in a kaleidoscope. I feel dizzy. My visual perception is off, and easily overwhelmed. My head feels full of cotton balls and fog and lead. Not very hungry and a little nauseous. Haven't had my usual morning bowel movement yet. 

Emotionally I feel excited then disappointed, over and over again. Excited about going for a smoke...something to look forward to and then immediately remembering that I choose to quit today,  and disappointment. I'm trying not to dwell there. I have been breathing, shifting my focus instead of arguing with the thoughts or let the loss overwhelm me. Instead, I have been 'playing the tape to the end'....replaying what it was actually like to smoke. And looking into the future if I smoke again. And praying. 

 

That was a few hours ago. I then spoke with a  friend who said..."it gets worse," "you need to change your habits," and "and if you smoke, you can always try again." 

 

Argh!!!! So words really threw me for a loop. 

 

Since then I feel like I've been running,trying to avoid the panic I started to feel. I got realy really scared that I was going to **** up. I was going to do it wrong and would find myself smoking again. So I stopped. Cried a little. Felt the panic a little. With my partner. Then realized I made a list of anxiety coping skills that I use...so I looked at them and decided to go with feeling the support of my comfy chair, finding the safe feeling in my body and deep breathing. Getting out.of my head

..stop trying to fight those darn thought pe reframe them or whatever, but allow them to be and redirect to my senses and my body. 

 

People here say that we gotta stay on top of the addict voice...but when I try to do that, I get so exhausted, and really stuck up in my head, and way more panicky and confused and like I'm spinning. I think my higher voice lives in my body, not in my head. Going into the support of my body helped. And burning sage and cedar. 

 

I dont want to smoke. And I don't think there's one right way. The more I read on here sometimes the more scared I get that I'm getting it wrong and my mind spins with all the words and advice. But the encouragement feels good and the connection. And to write out my thoughts. 

 

I struggle with OCD...where my thoughts can become very obsessive and intrusive...so my thoughts are a tricky place to dwell. 

 

I'm  now at 19 hours, 11 minutes 2 seconds 

 

Please tell me it does get better. I know it might get worse the next couple days...but I need to hear it will get better and that I'm doing good. Thank you!

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