Jesus, I need a miracle.

Blog Post created by anaussiemom on Dec 6, 2018

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Been on this site almost a year. Kinda strange when I ask God, to help me quit he sends me angels...Over and Over.

He seems to give me" illnesses to help me quit. Which I wish I would learn. But, I am not.

I panic, I grieve , I sob, I shake.
He has closed many doors, for me to help me be a non-smoker.

Im a sick again" with a gentle warning, I pray. This time!

This time with Bronchitis. My loving God has done so much to help me!! IDK how to stop this madness!

I have so many tools. It has become an empty obsession!

Been smoking since child birth it seems. I fear I may never be able to change the gazillion receptors in my brain of the chemical changes in my" brain.
To be happy and not grieve, and fall to the floor with panic attacks not knowing why.

Has anyone smokes a pack a day for almost 1/2 century, and feel and concur these horrible chemicals in freaking cigarettes!

I tremble as I write this. I stop for a few hours and hit crisis. I have meds, patches, music, water, candy, exercise equip, etc...
Can my brain really achieve relearning thought processes?

I think I need a new brain The more I seem to quit and fail the worse it gets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Outcomes

57 Comments

Pops Dec 6, 2018 12:31 PM
This blog sort of reads as if you are giving the addiction more credit than it deserves....Yes, it is a formidable foe, in that it just never seems to totally go away and stay away. It does however....lose "alot" of it's power each time that WE say no to an urge...every time you turn down that nagging urge to light up....you strengthen your internal resolve and confidence level to do it successfully again (as in the very next time you get an urge). Whereas....on the other hand....if you (or I) give in to the urge and try to sneak in just a puff or two, or a full smoke, or maybe a pack....well....the next urge that comes, and you can bet it will be coming at an alarmingly much more frequent interval than you have been experiencing....That urge will serve up the vivid recall that you smoked last time, and it didn't kill you....go ahead and do it again....what the heck...nobody needs to know anyway.....
And there you have it....THAT IS EXACTLY why we simply DO NOT DO THAT ANYMORE!!!
I apologize for the caps, but it seems that this is one of those times, that the message that is being conveyed here.....it needs to be heard loudly and clearly, and as often as needed.
Not One Puff Ever....NOPE
Pops w/75 Days of Freedom
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- anaussiemom @ Pops on Dec 6, 2018 12:58 PM
  Thank you. I feel out of control.. Like I must have one now! it's purely insane, and impulsive. It is horrid.
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  - Sandy-9-17-17 @ anaussiemom on Dec 6, 2018 1:08 PM
    I can only say this, and hope that it will encourage you with help! I have not been sick with Bronchitis since I quit smoking. I have a a couple minor colds, but before I quit, I would end up with bronchitis from nearly every cold I came down with! I attribute this to my quit, and nothing will make me go backwards now! Bronchitis always sent me for xrays, which in fact also helped me quit the last time I had one before I quit, which found the spots, which scared me right into knowing for a fact that I needed to quit this addiction! Life is so much better than it was while smoking!
    You can do this !!!! You're here and you know you why! You want to quit!
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    - anaussiemom @ Sandy-9-17-17 on Dec 6, 2018 2:27 PM
      thank you
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Chuck_Quit_2-20-2011 Dec 6, 2018 1:07 PM
You're right! This really is a monster of an addiction and one that deserves every bit of respect as to how hard it is to get rid of because most of us spent our whole lives doing the exact opposite. We spent our lives reinforcing the addiction To me, the key was taking the power away from each lie of the addiction that I created to continue to smoke.

For all those years, every time we lit a cigarette we'd lie to ourselves that it was somehow helping us. Each cigarette has a kind of special meaning to an addict because if it didn't then we'd see through our own lies and find a way to quit. I smoked for forty plus years and started at age twelve.

What you've got are the physical tools to help you to quit, but those tools have to be married with our own mind. Just because we have a piece of candy to use when we have a crave doesn't mean much if our mind isn't ready to make the choice to use the candy instead of the cigarette.

My addiction was as strong as an addiction can be and I knew that it would take a lot to quit. But we can't forget to do a little soul searching along the way because if we don't know ourselves and how our addiction reacts with us, then how can we possibly know how to change that reaction when we quit?

I know it can all seem so hopeless at times. I was once there myself. At times I could see myself at the bottom of a deep well, with water slowly rising inside and no way out. But there's always a way out. Along with understanding comes confidence. And confidence gives us belief. Once we have the belief that first this is really, deep in our hearts what we want to do and second that we CAN do it, we find a way.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I had to believe that I could quit before it would ever work for me. Sometimes gaining that belief can be hard work, especially when we started so young because when you start so young, it's hard to remember what freedom even feels like.

Make that freedom your soothing battle cry. Find it within you to want that freedom more than anything you've ever wanted before and be ready for the fight of your life while knowing that all of the current discomfort is nothing compared to the discomfort we'll be feeling if we don't quit, or rather choose to save our own life!

The addiction is only as strong as you make it. What I did to get there because the idea of true freedom can be so hard to see for an addict so easily, is I would look at scenarios in the future and I would compare them. For instance, seeing your grandchildren and looking at it in two ways. The first being if you'd have quit right now. I'd see the smiles on everyone's faces and just the general contentment in the room. I'd generally see a smile on my own face as well.

Then II's look at if I'd never quit and I Imagined myself in a wheelchair, unable to walk because I simply didn't have the strength to. I saw oxygen tubes and yes even a a tube coming out of my throat so I could breathe that oxygen. I know some of the pictures can be ugly if we're realistic to ourselves but in my case it got me to begin looking at things differently so that I could see a different world as a result of my actions. For the first time I was looking at the consequences of my actions rather than my current situation.

However we choose to do it, we have to change our focus from seeing the benefits of cigarettes to seeing the consequences. It's not the answer to winning the entire war but it's a start in the right direction and we have to start somewhere, right?

I wish you much success in your endeavor to find peace.

ONWARD TO FREEDOM!!!

Chuck
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- anaussiemom @ Chuck_Quit_2-20-2011 on Dec 6, 2018 2:26 PM
  thank you
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Jennifer-Quit-05-01-14 Dec 6, 2018 2:04 PM
Be willing to give it the time that it takes to get to a better place. Those receptors will scream at you for a while, but the longer that you go without feeding them, the less they will scream and eventually they will shut up for good. Best wishes to you Kim.
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- anaussiemom @ Jennifer-Quit-05-01-14 on Dec 6, 2018 2:24 PM
  thank you
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Barbscloud Dec 6, 2018 2:48 PM
Stay close and continue to reach out. You know you came here to get the support you need right now.
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- anaussiemom @ Barbscloud on Dec 6, 2018 3:16 PM
  thank you
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  - anaussiemom @ anaussiemom on Dec 6, 2018 3:20 PM
    I am here, in crisis mode.. (with smoking) thank you. I am out of those cigarettes, so much want to keep it that way. One Second at a time for now..
    Yelling for prayers, good vibes, support.
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    - Chuck_Quit_2-20-2011 @ anaussiemom on Dec 6, 2018 3:46 PM
      So glad you're not smoking. And you're right! One second at a time if that's what it takes. Keep blogging if you need to. Heck, blog about the weather if you want to get your mind off of the craves. We'll be happy to reply to that too! Just keep your mind focused on anything but your current nemesis.
      
      Remember that a physical crave only lasts a minute or two. If you latch onto that crave, it'll seem like one endless one. Distraction is key for day one! Wishing you success in this trying time. Keep fighting!!
      
      Chuck
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      - anaussiemom @ Chuck_Quit_2-20-2011 on Dec 6, 2018 6:11 PM
        Thank you.
        
        Weather!!?? I can assure you what is happening there isn't happening there prob in about 5 minutes. ..Ya know how predictions go?.
        
        LOL
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Youngatheart.7.4.12 Dec 6, 2018 3:34 PM
'Ya got all three - now get busy! STOP thinking about smoking - think about all the benefits you will derive from quitting. You will NEVER have to go through another Day One, you will never have to worry about quitting again, you will have extra money in your pocket, you won't smell like a dirty astray....................
YOU control your mind - make it work for, not against, you.
Nancy
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- anaussiemom @ Youngatheart.7.4.12 on Dec 6, 2018 6:04 PM
  Thank you.
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Mandolinrain Dec 6, 2018 7:06 PM
Stay with us and dont give up. I will pray for you too. I am a huge believer in prayers I wrote letters to God. It helped me. I kept them in a basket and reminded myself those prayers are in His hands.

I reminded myself that I had to do my part and God will finish doing what I can't do. We are here for you. Come lean on us anytime. Hugs your way
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- anaussiemom @ Mandolinrain on Dec 6, 2018 7:09 PM
  Thank you Im here..Wide open heart, and I feel broken.
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  - Mandolinrain @ anaussiemom on Dec 6, 2018 7:17 PM
    I have found God works His best when our hearts are open and broken. It makes us lean on Him even more and release those tears ton Him. Im praying for you as soon as I sign off this site. Chin up,,I will keep you in daily prayers. God loves you and so do we.
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Sootie Dec 6, 2018 7:24 PM
When I was white knuckling my quit......I stayed on this site all the time reading and blogging........I had this site open in a corner of my computer even at work (the ONLY time I ever broke my own rule of no personal "computering" at work!). I also kept the site whyquit.com open on my computer all the time. If you have not yet gone there....do so. Read the articles and keep reading to fight those craves. This is NOT impossible......but it does take a lot of focus and work in the beginning.
Stay Strong.
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Marilyn.H.July.14.14. Dec 6, 2018 7:44 PM
You can do this quit believe it deep breaths and know that we're all here to help you in any way we can, stay close and keep your mind as well as well as your hands occupied which helps, do whatever you have to and keep telling yourself that you can and will be successful one precious Smokefree Day at a time or hour minute or even a second at a time and believe it....anaussiemom
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elvan Dec 6, 2018 9:09 PM
I used to find that when I got sick, I would pray and pray for help and then as soon as I got the least bit better, I would convince myself that my problem was not caused by smoking. Addiction is incredibly powerful and our brains get rewired...it's okay to lay on the floor and sob or stomp your feet and have a breakdown that is fitting for a five year old, the fact is...those feelings are coming out and your addiction is telling you that you MUST smoke to push them down because they are going to kill you. You KNOW better, they are NOT going to kill you, they ARE going to be pretty miserable for a while but they WILL pass a little at a time. Feeling is what we are meant to do...smoking is NOT what we were EVER meant to do. We convinced ourselves somewhere along the line that smoking was better than feeling. When we are lying six feet under...we might learn, UNLESS we refuse to be controlled by addiction any longer. You CAN do this, Kim. You are afraid but you are no more afraid than many of us have been. Your addiction is not unique, despite what you allow yourself to believe. When my husband was first going to AA for alcohol addiction, his sponsor told him that he was in danger of suffering from T.U....."Terminal Uniqueness." We ALL have reasons for falling backwards over and over and over again. Until we quit listening to the crazy addiction...we have no chance of going forward and growing stronger and stronger in more ways than we can count.

We are here to help you, Kim. You have to be completely honest with yourself and stop allowing your addiction to speak not only to you but FOR you.
Hugs,
Ellen
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- anaussiemom @ elvan on Dec 7, 2018 8:34 AM
  That is so spot on thank you.
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anaussiemom Dec 7, 2018 8:27 AM
Continue prayers please. haven't smoked since yesterday, as my lungs rumble, and my throat wheezes.
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- Barbscloud @ anaussiemom on Dec 7, 2018 8:28 AM
  Hang in there. You already know you can do this.
  
  Barb
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  - anaussiemom @ Barbscloud on Dec 7, 2018 8:33 AM
    Thank you
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mrios5776 Dec 7, 2018 11:38 AM
You hang in there. You have already started! Why quit your quit? You will never feal this bad without a cigarette again!The next time will be less painful. Scream at the wall! Scream at the TV. Jump up and down. Walk! Take a deep breath! A REAL DEEP BREATH! Does that not feel good?You keep going!
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- anaussiemom @ mrios5776 on Dec 7, 2018 12:21 PM
  Thank you. Can't do much of anything right now. Sick. But yes, I will do what I must to enjoy living. Hugs
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Christine13 Dec 7, 2018 12:42 PM
Kim your blog helped me today too. That's exactly how I was feeling. One minute at a time. Choose freedom, and your body and mind will thank you!!
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- anaussiemom @ Christine13 on Dec 7, 2018 12:49 PM
  Awww thank you. Glad that it helped. hugs
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anaussiemom Dec 7, 2018 12:55 PM
So whacked! Now that I can breathe, just a bit better (barely) my brain is screaming for a puff. It's horrid ! 1 hour before, it will be a whole 24 hrs without those, "deadly things"!

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- Chuck_Quit_2-20-2011 @ anaussiemom on Dec 7, 2018 1:28 PM
  anaussiemom Keep fighting! One thing is certain. You don't want to go through this again, right? Right now there are probably two voices inside your head. The one telling you that you won't smoke is the rational side and the side that's giving you heck right now is obviously the addictive side. You can choose which one of those voices you listen to.
  
  In the beginning, I always pictured my addiction as a screaming child throwing a temper tantrum. Once I saw that, I could yell at it, tell it to shut up or just ignore it. Whichever worked for me at the time. If you ignore a screaming child that is throwing a temper tantrum, the child will eventually stop, but if you encourage the temper tantrum then they just go on and on!
  
  I know it feels like you're just hanging by a thread right now. We all felt that way once. The key is to look to tomorrow. To those ones that you love with all of your heart. Do it for them but also for yourself! YOU deserve freedom!! YOU deserve to see those grand kids down the road, feeling free and smiling because you know that the decision you made on this day not to smoke created this wonderful future with the ones you love. Grab a hold of a picture like that and it'll make it a lot easier!
  
  KEEP FIGHTING!! We're here got you. Don't even hesitate to come here if you think you're going to loose it. Blog before you smoke. It could save your quit! In the meantime, you'll be in my thoughts.
  
  ONWARD TO FREEDOM!!!
  
  Chuck
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  - anaussiemom @ Chuck_Quit_2-20-2011 on Dec 7, 2018 2:43 PM
    Thank you.
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- gregp136 @ anaussiemom on Dec 7, 2018 2:24 PM
  Like you said earlier....one second at a time.....
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Barb102 Dec 7, 2018 1:30 PM
You can do this I’ve been following you. I know you can do this. You want to do this. You really do that’s why you came to us. I have been smoking 1 1/2 packs. No change that. ....I was smoking...I don’t do that anymore.. for over 40 years. It’s not easy but it’s doable. Just look at all the ex smokers who quit trying to help you. Do anything you can to stop yourself. Try what I do. I ask myself would I ever want to quit again and go through those first weeks. Believe me that always does it for me. I’m not that strong so I know this is it for me. I will never smoke again. I have COPD and other illnesses from smoking. But they won’t get worse. I too have not had bronchitis with every cold like I used to. I had pneumonia 3 times and had a collapsed lung. I still smoked. Yes it’s a horrible addiction that you can overcome. If I did it anybody can. Sending prayers and hugs
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shashort Dec 7, 2018 4:30 PM
I know, We know this addiction is tough to let go but it is DOABLE!! it is POSSIBLE!! it is within your reach!! Everyone can tell you I struggled like crazy in my beginning days. I resisted the process and I hated it but you have to go through it to get to this freedom. So If I can quit, if we can quit, then believe you can quit too. I believe in the power of positive self talk, so dont tell yourself negative things. Tell yourself you CAN do this, Tell yourself you don't do that no more, Tell yourself NOPE and follow through. Once I started thinking in the positive my quit became easier because I quit fighting myself and the process. You have to dig deep in the beginning, have all your tools with you at all times and use everything you got. Jump, yell, scream, dance, sing out loud, punch a pillow, take a hot relaxing bubble bath, spice it up with candles and soft music, do deep breathing exercises, jumping jacks or exercise any thing to take your mind off the crave when it gets rough!! Make a list of things you have been ignoring in the house and work it during a crave. I think I had the cleanest house ever in the beginning of my quit. Make a list of why you want to quit sing it, shout it for reminders. Let me give you some insight of what you have to look forward to as an EX: The greatest thing I don't have to go hide to get my fix, I don't miss out on outings and get togethers now I get to join in the fun, I now have a social life. These are just a few things to think about, oh yeah, before I quit I averaged 4-5 times in hospital a year with bronchitis, pneumonia and other smoking related issue so the best part now is I can breathe easy now, I am coughing my brains out. Imagine in your mind all the good things that will become of you as an EX. You CAN CAN CAN do this Kim. We all are here to help you so use us. I check in frequent feel free to send me a message. I am now 938 days free and a living testament that life without smoking is the best thing ever.
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- anaussiemom @ shashort on Dec 7, 2018 5:03 PM
  I remember many things you have posted, over the year that I have been here. You are an awesome soul.
  
  Thank you.
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elvan Dec 7, 2018 5:17 PM
Comforting hugs coming to you...FEEL them!
Ellen
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- anaussiemom @ elvan on Dec 7, 2018 8:02 PM
  thank you (hugs back) .
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Mandolinrain Dec 7, 2018 8:17 PM
Wondering how your feeling today. Prayers still up for you. xoxo
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- anaussiemom @ Mandolinrain on Dec 8, 2018 2:32 AM
  It's 3 am here. Im not smoking, so that is helping my ailment slowly. For me that's good news. Means I have to think about why I want to run and have a puff of toxic waste.
  
  So little by little getting better. Thank you so, for asking. Hugs.
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Gwenivere Dec 8, 2018 3:17 AM
Kim, I don’t know how long you have been quit. I am only 5 days into an honest one with no cheats and while my brain screams for a fix, I’ve found yes, I want to give it that to shut up, but I don’t like the delivery that way. It’s getting nicotine thru NRT and not thrilled about losing the instant gratification. I don’t know how it happened, maybe it’s like all the success stories I read here. I took control of the options to this brain and it was this, smoking or nothing. I’m glad it chose this because nothing would have crippled us both. I’ll have to carry the damage the rest of my life, but I can rectify some of it.

As it has been told to me, if there wasn’t some part of me that wanted this, I wouldn’t be here. I was dragged into it by medical complications, but I had to make a choice like the poster who managed to find other reasons I kept getting sicker with colds than others. There has to be a part of you that wants this as you are still here. Same for me even tho I’ve wanted to believe I was an addict as no one knew when I started over 40 years ago.

I dont have enough experience to offer much help. Just to say I understand getting caught up focusing on the addiction. It’s hard not to at first and I’m reading for a long time. I still see smokers and say wow, wish I could do that. I’m not going to deceive myself. It looks so innocuous. Then I think about really doing it, such a short time ago, and can’t see doing it now. Hope that holds.

I do try and find other things to do instead. They are shortlived, but help. I love to sleep. Wish I could sleep thru all this.
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- anaussiemom @ Gwenivere on Dec 8, 2018 7:55 AM
  Thank you almost 48 hrs in kicking a$$ at winning. But, I cant breath right now, it is a gentle reminder from God, to stop the madness I believe. Prayers are so important in my life.
  
  Hugs
  
  Kim.
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  - Marilyn.H.July.14.14. @ anaussiemom on Dec 8, 2018 10:39 AM
    You've got this quit firmly in your grasp believe it and stick with N.O.P.E and vigilance Kim, once you get feeling better and stay away from the clutches of the nicotine poison and continue to move forward in your precious quit journey you'll realize just how much better life is as an EXer it's definetly going to take time to relearn life without the smokes BUT boy oh boy it's so worth it and you can and will get to that good place in your quit by stacking up your precious Days of Freedom and you'll do it one precious Smokefree Day at a time or hour minute or even a second at a time .....
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    - anaussiemom @ Marilyn.H.July.14.14. on Dec 8, 2018 10:53 AM
      thank you so much.
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      - Marilyn.H.July.14.14. @ anaussiemom on Dec 8, 2018 11:23 AM
        Huge loving hug coming your way.....
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        anaussiemom @ Marilyn.H.July.14.14. on Dec 8, 2018 12:37 PM
        ((( aw thank you Marilyn.H.July.14.14. ))))
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Barb102 Dec 8, 2018 3:47 PM
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- anaussiemom @ Barb102 on Dec 8, 2018 6:57 PM
  Thank you
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Gwenivere Dec 9, 2018 3:26 AM
How are you doing now, Kim? I know you’ve been sick, but how many days are you into this quit? I’m only at about 8 days since I shopped cheating. I just keep reminding myself how formidable a foe this is and I don’t want to do again. Once you’ve experienced it and know what to expect, I can’t fathom another bout with it.

All I can think of to offer is keeping an eye on your motivations. Family is a biggie for those of you that have that. And knowing what you know now. Repeating this all over again. I don’t have family, so I’m hoping this will give me motivation beyond survival. Hang in there!
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- anaussiemom @ Gwenivere on Dec 9, 2018 4:40 AM
  It's 4 in the morn right now. I'm going to lay back down soon, I haven't smoked in almost 3 days which is huge for me. Quitting has gotten very difficult for me over the year. So I'm stoked, and hoping all this very loud wheezing", stays in my brain, so I will remember why enough was and is enough! Thank you for asking. hugs Gwenivere
  
  Kim
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  - anaussiemom @ anaussiemom on Dec 9, 2018 10:02 AM
    I am so foul today! I wanna chew people out for all the crap I feel right now, in my personal life. I will just breath in and out slowly as best I can. Keep busy, if possible and rest if possible this bronchial illness
    out of my system. I also thank God for this, illness, instead of something worse to help me stay focus on this quit.
    Thank you God.
    
    Thank you everyone for your support yes, using an aid to help with not smoking. Helps some. Better than nothing.
    
    Still seeking Unicorn Magic Dust.
    
    Amen.
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    - Barbscloud @ anaussiemom on Dec 9, 2018 10:36 AM
      Breathe In, Breathe Out
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      - anaussiemom @ Barbscloud on Dec 9, 2018 10:49 AM
        Thank you hugs. Love this Barb <3 Thank you for that video link Barbscloud
        
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        mrios5776 @ anaussiemom on Dec 9, 2018 11:44 AM
        You got this!
        
        On Sun, Dec 9, 2018, 9:46 AM anaussiemom <communityadmin@becomeanex.org
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        anaussiemom @ mrios5776 on Dec 9, 2018 12:46 PM
        mrios5776 sorry what is the link to? Won't open for me.
        Thank you
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Gwenivere Dec 9, 2018 4:18 PM
If you find that magical unicorn dust, please spread some over my way.

i cant believe how this keeps switching in my mind from positive to I can’t stand it. I’m only 4 days ahead of you, Kim. Not writing this to discourage you, but to share how much this sucks.

I was going to ask to if you considered some help. Seems you have. I hope it helps.
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- anaussiemom @ Gwenivere on Dec 9, 2018 4:58 PM
  Oh my goodness girl! I have a dump truck full of aids, info, knowledge. It for me, at this moment, is a continues, positive, reaffirming enough is enough! I will be victorious! As often as needed! I will change the dialogue in my head no matter. I will stop the mind games, by staying positive. 1 little baby step, as many times a day as needed.
  
  We got this Gwenivere
  
  We can teach our brains new dialogue....Every moment that it needs to be upgraded. kudos.
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Jesus, I need a miracle.

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