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2018

Just for NOW  I shared with MY hubby I smell smoke..... only by Gods grace I will NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF EVER.

SMOKING

 better now?

 

 

 

Now, all you people who want to talk about tires, go to the tire site!

Thank you.

 

 

 

PS

there is more to life than smoking

live a little

laugh a lot

 

I remember that time when I first thought of quitting. And you know what really comes to mind? The first thought that entered my head was loneliness. This was before the fear that came later, but it somehow felt like my mind’s first reaction to the idea of quitting was sorrow. Sadness. The realization that should I go through with this, it’ll leave me empty and somehow alone.

 

Of course I barely noticed this right away because the fear of quitting began to set in and that fear was as confusing as the sorrow, even though it was probably based in the same emotion. Really, when I first decided to quit, nothing made sense. It was as if I’d stepped into a world that was the opposite of anything I’d ever dreamed of or wanted it to be..

 

This sorrow was something I knew I’d have to deal with sooner or later, but to be honest I never really dealt with it during my preparations for quitting  because there just seemed to be so many other things that seemed so much more important to learn and after a while, I forgot about my original feelings of sorrow from back on those first days of thinking about quitting.

 

Sometimes it’s the things that you don’t prepare for that’ll get you. Thankfully it wasn’t the killer of my quit, but it did make some things harder to understand during those first weeks. And on those first days, the sorrow seemed to reappear. I never noticed this until I went through my journal a bit, but it was there.

 

I know I didn’t write about it much because in the beginning there were so many other things on my mind, but every time I got an urge, there seemed to be a feeling of sorrow attached to it. A memory of a life I wanted to leave and yet hadn’t quite slammed the door on yet. And somehow it translated to sadness. To that feeling of loss that I think most of us feel during those first days.

 

Thankfully in my case, I was able to acknowledge it and dismiss it, but I wondered about others who might find the same thing happening to them who can’t so easily dismiss it. I realized that if I had latched onto that sadness, it could’ve easily derailed my quit. Sadness is such a powerful emotion and it can motivate us to change things we don’t want to change in order to get rid of it.

 

As I continued on in my quit, I realized that this sorrow was the foundation of where so many of my negative thoughts originated back then. It was the foundation of the jealousy I would sometimes feel over those who could still smoke. It was the foundation of “the old friend” syndrome. It was the foundation of my thinking whenever I thought about the old life that I was now missing.

 

The reality is that as addicts, we built a world based on lies. Kind of a requirement of addiction because we’d never be able to keep doing it without lying to ourselves. We changed our entire belief system in order to stay addicted and we replaced what was once the foundation of our lives with those very lies. And because we convinced ourselves that the addiction was our true foundation, we lost sight of our original world.

 

We changed our very belief system in order to remain addicted. I know this is true because when my father died of smoking related throat and liver cancer and I watched him suffer both before and after surgery, I still kept smoking. Even when the reality of our addiction stares us right in the face, we find a way to avoid it in order to keep our belief system strong.

 

And so when we choose to quit and change our reality forever, we automatically feel a sense of loss. And when we realize that we have to leave one life in order to start another new and better one, we feel sorrow because we’re losing the world of addiction that has always somehow insulated us from the reality that is freedom. Like leaving our old, familiar and happy home for a new one.

 

And so, one day at a time, we have to change the foundation of almost everything. We have to find a new reaction to stress and loneliness. We have to understand that our old belief that smoking made us better and calmer drivers is no longer reality.

 

But in the end, we do find those new reactions. In the end we do find our old reality. The one that was there all along. Just buried under a ton of lies by our addicted minds.

 

One by one, we pull the tentacles of our addicted world out of us, creating little holes in the foundation of our addiction and with a little time and yes, belief in ourselves we can find the peace that we seek. We can find the reality that was there all along, waiting for us to find our way home.

 

It’s a tough journey for a lot of reasons. But in the end when we lose our addiction and see things as they really are, we realize that the only thing to really be sad about is that we didn’t see it sooner because in the end, freedom was always there . . . .

 

ONWARD TO FREEDOM!!!

 

Chuck

minihorses

A Sad Day

Posted by minihorses Nov 27, 2018

My husband's younger brother Mark died in 2009.  He dealt with having juvenile diabetes beginning when he was 10 and was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis 2 years prior to his death. My husband and I found him dead a few days after Christmas. According to the EMS on hand they estimated his death being at least one week prior to that.  He always said he'd never see his 40th birthday and he was correct, he died 2 weeks beforehand. He never had a will but he had made it clear that he wanted to be cremated so we did just that. My husband and I took the job of being executors of his estate.  My mother-in-law didn't know what to do with the ashes so she decided to get a cremation box to put them in.  When she moved to the nursing home she brought them with her. 

Since her death in 2015 we brought his brother's ashes here. Mark always loved the forest. He had wanted to buy or build a log house where there were a lot of pine trees around. We weren't sure what to do with his ashes so the box has been here for the last 3 years.  I came up with the idea to spread them in the woods somewhere in the mountains.  We remembered that there is a perfect place in the foothills that has walking trails, bike trails, horse trails and camping.  He took off work today to go there.  I wanted to go but I can't stand the cold.  He said it's better that he does it alone.  Now I feel like I let him down.  I just called him and he's too far out to turn around.  I feel like a total jerk. I could have layered up. I think I'll go for a quick drive. I have to go to the grocery store anyway. 

Prayers needed today for the family and for Mark who will be put to rest shortly.

 

Julie

indingrl.01.06.2011

In time....

Posted by indingrl.01.06.2011 Nov 26, 2018

In time ....day by day.... only by Gods grace and all here fellowshiping... I remain NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF EVER- TOGETHER- yahooo for us ALL!

indingrl.01.06.2011

Washing....

Posted by indingrl.01.06.2011 Nov 25, 2018

Gosh it is nice when i have money to do 6 loads of laundry.....mixed up clothing- blankets-hats n gloves-rugs- washing out all the STINK.... All sweating smells from body odors and odors from the environment around ME.... I am so gratiful to be able to SMELL... Nicotine took along time to be WASHED out from MY blood for MY NOSE TO WORK...and i prayed to God to heal MY sense of smell in MY Lord Jesus name amen Thanking God he did YET holding MY nose NOW when odors hit the really STINK naturally and BEFORE i couldnt smell anything- thats what being at the laundry mat brought to ME.... Memories of no smell and grateful to smell TODAY... Please take what HELPS and let go of the rest... Thank you and please i am talking about ME not anyone else.... Thank you.

indingrl.01.06.2011

heaven bound....

Posted by indingrl.01.06.2011 Nov 23, 2018

TODAY-11-23-18-treasure hunted-what i want my mom said to take-my moms 86 and i am 61-mom asked me to come spend time with her-mom says she will not be here much longer-she been sick a few years-many ailments in her 86 decaying body-yet in her spirit a deep joy that breathes a peace and love beyond words and a glow of warmth thats so inviting-YET FOR ME-MY Daddy God says in MY spirit NOT YET MY BELOVED DAUGHTER-not yet-alot of goodness came from my treasure hunt-which i thanked God for His goodness in ME-to look around and see-childhood STUFF-all the things-i took and MY Daddy Gods love chose-EACH thing with a loving memory of MY young life and MY parents-who loved ME with what was given to them-in MY Lord Jesus and that he took all the evil and GAVE ME Himself to walk thru this cluttered old house of moms-filled with her love things that REMINDED her of ME-and all her 9 adult children who grew up in an alcohol and nicotine home and ALL deep ROOTS that intangled US-each-our OWN-affects to bring to OUR Lord Jesus to surrender all and ask to be heal-MY Lord healed ME and MY all of childhood memories and all in between memories of MY life then and now that service NO purpose TODAY- the things i took in MY TODAY-by Gods grace and MY Holy Comfortor-i collected-MY Gods love in all MY mommas things with her love and her biggest hug of HER TODAY-2018-NOVEMBER-to keep ME until WE meet again-OH WHAT A GLORIOUS DAY THAT WILL BE FOR ME-heaven bound-OH-HOW GOD LOVES -MY MOM and ME-thank you God for changing ME-wholly and holy healed -TODAY-in MY mind-spirit-body in MY Lord Jesus name-amen-please take what HELPS-and let go of the rest-to be HELPFUL-is MY only aim-thank you.

indingrl.01.06.2011

me...NEW!

Posted by indingrl.01.06.2011 Nov 22, 2018

HAPPY thanksgiving day from MY moms house in TN-me....NEW-we are staying with my mom at her house-FULL OF HER TREASURES-HER 86 YEARS OF STUFF-me-NEW-means staying in the DAY-not the PAST-MY childhood PAST-is gone-i CHOOSE-to live in the PRESENT-memories flood in-ALL mixed-me-NEW-I tell myself-its 2018-NOT 1963! I tell myself-mom asked you to visit her-she believes she will NOT live to see her next bday-me-NEW-7 years nicotine free and by Gods grace in MY Lord Jesus name-i will stay free in Him by His love joy and peace in ME-NEW-in Him-i tell MYSELF-today i am NOT-6 years old!

Quitting smoking can be challenging at best and seem impossible at worst. We always feel that nagging thought, just under the surface of our perception that seems unfocused and yet it somehow translates to smoking, and our addictions. It’s like when we quit, the addiction starts humming along, waiting for that chance to get us. And after the first couple of weeks, it kind of hangs in the background, waiting to pounce.

 

Add holidays to the mix and things can get really dicey, really quick. I think there are many reasons for this, the first being the most obvious. I don’t know about you, but I’ve always had fond memories of my past holidays. And the thing about those fond memories when I first quit was that during the holidays, there was always a cigarette hanging out of my mouth.

 

As such, I always thought that these memories could become a trigger because the cigarette is associated with happy times in our lives. The cigarette didn’t create those happy times, it was just always there and as such so are the smoking memories.

 

That’s part of what makes that first year harder, is that we have to face a bunch of firsts. In fact, everything we do when we quit is different because of the fact that the cigarette was always involved with our lives in the past. As addicts, everything revolves around our addiction and when we take that addiction away, it’s like we blew a hole in a big part of our worlds.

 

And then comes the other aspect of holidays. Relatives!! Those people who we love with all of our hearts and yet also the ones who have the most power to create - uh; let’s just call it the worst anger we’ve ever felt, usually because of some statement that they think is completely harmless, and yet because we’re so close to them, it just sends us over the edge!

 

And what did we all do when they made that one little, almost insignificant statement that angered us? Well, we’d of course light a cigarette! Somehow that was our method of dealing with everything. Anger. Hurt. Depression. Or just about any other negative feeling or life event that is negative.

 

I always found it interesting that when I think back to the more positive parts of my smoking life, the cigarette was never really a part of it. But when it comes to those negative parts, it was like that was my only solution to make it better, although we all know it didn’t. That’s just us humans trying to make our addiction something that it isn’t. Trying to come up with a single valid reason for why we choose our slow death.

 

And I won’t even mention what drinking can do to a quit. That’s Youngatheart.7.4.12 incredibly important message to all of us. So all I’m saying is have fun, but please be careful and don’t let that addiction sneak up on you. Even if it’s your first holiday smoke free, the thing to remember is that if you stay vigilant, it won’t be your last, and that this one is when you must learn. After that first year, you’ll have new memories without cigarettes in them.

 

We’ll always have those loving relatives keeping things interesting, but after the first year, you’ll know how you go about dealing with that without the cigarettes. It’s a process, but one that is doable and worth every single bit of effort that it takes to become free.

 

Anyway, I originally came here to wish all of you a safe, happy and of course smokefree holiday so Happy Thanksgiving!!

 

And as always:

 

ONWARD TO FREEDOM!!!

indingrl.01.06.2011

dry....

Posted by indingrl.01.06.2011 Nov 21, 2018

SUGGESTIONS....in 7 years coming here day after day-it is SUGGESTED...to change MY old mind-to NEW mind-by reading-watching videos at why.quit.com-blogging BEFORE i use-to HELP all others who suffer from NICOTINE addiction-then i discovered - dry - dry is MY heart attitude that speaks LOUDER when i am at that jumping off place- its that place when i read a BLOG-which is an intimidating TRUTH- its a TRUTH that brings NEW FACTS - not feelings-feelings come and go-feelings are fickle-this intimidating TRUTH isnt about ME- the BLOG is THAT PERSONS experience being shared to be HELPFUL to WHO EVER READS IT-this BLOG brings up in ME a character DEFECT that i thought i made peace with-then i find MY behavior and actions to be - dry - aka using behavior that is SMOKING at this person who wrote the BLOG to HELP- DRYNESS OF MY HEART WHICH TOOK OFFENSE-INTIMIDATING TRUTH-i was jealous-i was still wanted vengence on that family member who hurt ME-11 YEARS has past since the hurt occurred- dry - i didnt deal with this in MY heart-i blamed the INNOCENT person-i read the BLOG-and kept ALL MY - dryness - by telling MYSELF - I already dealt with that and that family member- i am acting LIKE i smoking at that person- then i prayed to accept that I was a - dry RECOVERING NICOTINE ADDICT-who still had unforgiveness against MY OLD part i played in the situation and instead of STAYING DRY in MY recovery from nicotine-i made peace with God-MYSELF-and another person-NOW i know when another person is talking about them selves and it stirs up MY DENIAL inside of ME and causes deep resentment to come up i deal with it quickly OR that - dry - will be MY using nicotine over ME taking offense because of MY pride- MY LESSON LEARNED and still willing to GROW in MY -dry- and the question-am i taking offense at an intimidating truth because i still want to hurt them cuz they hurt ME and am i willing to use NICOTINE and die early OR face MYSELF-and remain joy filled and grateful to God i am nicotine FREE inside and out - and well oiled in Gods intimidating TRUTH-forgive your SELF - take your OWN heart inventory and keep growing in MY Lord Jesus name amen please take what HELPS and let go of the rest to be HELPFUL is MY only aim-thank you-please i am talking about ME not anyone else-thank you. Love yall-each and everyone in His lovd-it is written-God is love.

Tabbiekat

Day 2 just about done...

Posted by Tabbiekat Nov 20, 2018

I won't know for a few more days, but this quit seems so much easier then last year. I just don't smoke, I don't have the urge to grab my pack a head outside. I am not complaining about it either. Worse part for me is being tired, then I remembered I was smoking a pack a day through Sunday when I quit. That is a lot of stimulate that is no longer going into my body. I am at a point where I can nap when I want, so I do.  I am at the point where dealing with my husbands loss does not require effort for me so I am just letting things play out as they may, but I will not smoke. Coffee, soda, run outside into the freezing cold, anything to stimulate myself without nicotine. Outside of vivid dreams no issues with Chantix either. Yup I can say I am in a good spot right now.

 

Hold tight to your quits

Tabbie

indingrl.01.06.2011

REQUESTED....

Posted by indingrl.01.06.2011 Nov 19, 2018

REQUESTED PRAYER FOR:  Missy up coming surgery- for Missy brother double lung infection- for Jackie to be strengthen in her pesonal life at this time-for Nancy to be uplifted in healing and strengthen to be given to endure- for Nancy-Tommy-Ellen and her husband-for MY beloved Thomas to kick out all snot in his lungs- for Dale to be healed of addiction to sugar-all who suffer from all addictions- i pray for Gods grace to abound in Christs peace-love-and joy-for all those grieving the loss of loved ones-and for the MOST IMPORTANT ONES HERE-OUR BELOVED NEWBIES TO REMAIN AND BE SET FREE FROM NICOTINE ADDICTIONS-THANK YOU ALL WHO PRAY-for ME and MY family for the sudden deaths all at once-thank you for your prayers-love-tolerence-empathy and understanding-i lift up ALL here to keep thinking of the newbies and all here as WE LOVE AND HELP EACH OTHER TO NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF EVER-NO MATTER WHAT- I pray in MY Lord Jesus name-amen-please take what HELPS and let go of the rest-thank you-love you ALL-it is written-God is love-amen

indingrl.01.06.2011

open and honest

Posted by indingrl.01.06.2011 Nov 18, 2018

when i was little-i was taught when diseaster strikes-i was to deny the TRUTH -stuff MY feelings-act as if NOTHING unusual is HAPPENING! Looking at MY childhood and the part-HONESTY and OPEN-i was taught DO NOT TALK-BE DISHONEST-FEEL REJECTED AND DO NOT INTERACT-BE UNRESPONSIVE-I prayed ask GOD to change ME-i chose to receive Jesus as MY eternal gift of salvation-His death-burial and resurrection for ME - then i got profesional help for MY childhood issues-long story short-i am participating in MY NEW LIFE TODAY-grown up inside and out-sharing MY OPEN and HONEST truthful disasters which nuture MY feelings to trust God-MYSELF-and others to step back and really LIVE fully alive to discover HARMONY-which keeps MY feelings OPENLY and HONESTLY does involve PAINFUL TRUTHS-and that is better than ME being DISHONEST and WITHDRAWN and EATING MY EMOTIOMS TODAY-I fully alive in MY life which for ME to fellowship-fully living N.O.P.E. to remain honest and open with God-ME-others-a gift i will offer ONLY BY PARTICIPATING -in MY Lord Jesus name amen please take what HELPS-let go of the rest-thank you-only by Gods grace -NEW DAY-NEW MIND-NEW CHRIST JESUS LIFE!

indingrl.01.06.2011

SILENCE....

Posted by indingrl.01.06.2011 Nov 17, 2018

FIVE FAMILY DEATHS-mail-texts-phone calls-i took ALL your SUGGESTIONS-i been reading blogs ALL day-suggested to stay CONNECTED-to stay PRAYING-to stay GRATEFUL-to remember OTHERS above myself! FIVE FAMILY MEMBERS taken by NICOTINE-ALCOHOL-DRUGS-DIABETES-your SUGGESTIONS-to read BLOGS-i am not thinking of using MY DRUG NICOTINE at all-today in MY SILENCE-i been here ALL day trying to HELP others-i am in shock and have no more tears -i have been eating lots of healthy food ALL day- and in MY SILENCE i am at MY Lord Jesus feet in HOLY SILENCE waiting and continue praying for MY family who are grieving -i am so thankful for ALL here- God willing please take what helps and let go of the rest-thank you ALL for teaching ME and letting ME share MY SILENCE-FIVE FAMILY MEMBERS DIED-for ME-these deaths back to back-i thank you to remember-HOW you dealt with your OWN SILENCE-please i am talking about ME - not anyone else-thank you for listening without CRITICISM and sharing your love and tolerance and most of all your EMPATHY - May God bless you for your prayer-this too shall pass-i am thanking God for MY RECOVERY FROM NICOTINE FAMILY in MY Lord Jesus name amen

 

Remember that time when the walls came crashing down? I do and it was the day I relapsed from my quit of a year so long ago, before this final quit. I often look to that one because that one didn’t work out and I always wanted to know why that one didn’t and yet my current quit did.

 

I know what the excuse was to begin smoking again. The death of a person close to me. But that was just an excuse and as such, I wanted to know more about what really made me cave. What was in the background. I know that whenever I went to the hospital, there were no smoke free campuses back then and I always seemed to have to walk through a cloud of cigarette smoke both on entering and leaving the hospital. I often thought that this may have helped to create the trigger that eventually got me to cave. But still, I knew that wasn’t the answer.

 

I know it was kind of lonely sitting in that hospital room, watching my partner in her coma for hours on end but still that wasn’t the root of the problem. The thing that made me give up on something I’d fought for for so long. No, something else was already there. A seed of the old addiction that somehow sprouted at just the wrong time.

 

I remember the moment that I actually caved and that at the time it seemed spontaneous, though the reality was that it wasn’t. It was right there all along in the back of my mind festering. A thought that I had somehow latched onto rather than letting go of it.

 

And then it struck me! When I quit that last time, it was all fake! I was never really ready to quit and really, deep down I wasn’t doing it for myself. No. I was doing it for my partner and once she was incapacitated, my single reason for remaining free was gone!

 

And so I continued on, building my addiction into the monster that it became when I finally quit  many, many years later. I always thought of that time I’d been smokefree as living in an endless struggle. I remained addicted to the patch for six months, and spent six months free of all nicotine, but never free of myself.

 

But that was the past and these were lessons learned and then forgiven. It was an important part of my prep on this last quit to forgive my past, because we cannot move forward until we do. And because of my previous failure, I prepped for a while before I quit this time for you see, I knew I’d have to be excited about quitting if I was to keep myself from a repeat of my past attempt.

 

When I quit this last time; I was ready, and this time I knew deep within my soul that I really wanted this! Not just for my children and grandchildren but for me! I knew when I quit that I wanted to do this for reasons that lived inside, rather than only for external reasons.

 

Once you know you want to do this because YOU want to be free, there’s simply no turning back. Sometimes it takes some time to get to this point where inside, freedom is more important than addiction. Sometimes we have to keep looking for that reason that lives deep within us, just waiting to be discovered.

 

And really for me that reason was freedom. Once I came to realize that my life was being controlled by the chemical effects of a modified plant, it made it so much easier to see that freedom.To grasp that freedom. To want it bad enough to change the reality of addiction into the reality of freedom.

 

I now had an answer and throughout my prep, that’s what I worked on. Whenever I felt an urge, I’d think of freedom. When I woke up every morning, I’d think of freedom and I made freedom the last thought every night before I went to bed.

 

Now I had a foundation for my quit. The next step was to learn my enemy which I called the addict within. That’s what the studying that we do before a quit is all about. Understanding how our addiction relates to us in all of our daily activities, and how to change that relation.

 

And the last step for me was simply to compare things. To try to get a glimpse of that goal of freedom that I so badly wanted, so I created Mt. Freedom in my mind’s eye. I used this mountain to symbolize all that I wanted in my future and the trials that I knew it would take to get me there.

 

And after all that, this time when I quit, I really, really wanted to quit. This time I knew all about my enemy. This time I had support and more importantly this time all I was focused on was freedom, making those discomforts that we all must face at first seem worth the fight, until they just fade away.

 

Whenever you feel lost or like it’s all just too impossible, take a look inside where the truth lies. You see without the help of addiction, it’s pretty hard to lie to ourselves. Look for that spark of enthusiasm and if you can’t find it come here and let us help you until you do find it. It really is there. Sometimes it’s just a little hard to see . . . .

 

ONWARD TO FREEDOM!!!

 

Chuck

minihorses

After this I'll...

Posted by minihorses Nov 17, 2018

Today was the second(?) time I've had what I'll call the 'smoking memory' come to mind.  It's what happens to everyone who's quit smoking and usually stays with a person for life.  It's the one where the thought "When I finish this or before I do that, I'll go have a cigarette" pops into mind.  "I don't do that anymore" works for most people.  I don't even have to say the phrase anymore I just laugh off the fact that it actually popped in my mind.  Our minds have so much power to remember the smoking reflex, and yet I still can't remember where to find the keys I lost 3 months ago...   

Happy Satire Day!

indingrl.01.06.2011

JOY in ....

Posted by indingrl.01.06.2011 Nov 17, 2018

Gods grace keeping ME in His love and giving ME this NEW day to keep an open mind and to keep learning and to keep listening so i will remain in Gods will to celebrate MY freedom in Him-just for this next 14 hours-MY DAY-TODAY-with 2872 MY DAYS-MY CHOICE-MY DECISION-to NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF EVER-FOR ME-I RAN TO GOD 1ST AND CRIED- HELP-I remembered and was reminded to A.S.A.P. -Always Say A Prayer- yesterday-we got news of a another family member died of throat cancer from using drug NICOTINE-it happens-thats life-NO one gets out of here without dieing-by Gods grace MY decison-N.O.P.E.-MY Lord Jesus doesnt use drug NICOTINE-neither do i-PLEASE rule #5017-DONT TAKE MYSELF SO SERIOUSLY- Amen-laughter is MY God medicine i take each day in MY Lord Jesus name-God is good for he blessed ME with all of you-THANKS FOR ALL YOUR LOVE-PRAYERS-SUPPORT-AND MOST OF ALL YOUR BLOGS. Please take what HELPS and let go of the rest-to be HELPFUL is MY only aim-AMEN! HOORAY FOR GOD and ALL of you for your BLOGS they are MY GOD MEDICINE! YES they keep ME-N.O.P.E.

indingrl.01.06.2011

FREE....

Posted by indingrl.01.06.2011 Nov 16, 2018

A person wanting to remain-NAME LESS- shared this with WHO SO EVER- "He who frees himself of hampering regrets for the past and worry about what lies ahead finds himself able to deal with the present."  Just for TODAY-I will enjoy MY new day in His love for ME-GOD has given ME a gift-this new day to be His servant to HELP the next suffering nicotine addict-NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF OVER ME-Joel at whyquit.com gives his FREE book to read -i was told go READ IT -for MYSELF-I did and recently READ IT AGAIN-for MYSELF-all the deaths happening in MY family RECENTLY have triggered a HUGE MENTAL AND EMOTION spiritual war inside of ME - i was told over and over-the repeating of NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF-tells ME-I choose and have made a decision just for ME-NEVER TO USE NICOTINE AGAIN-no compromising-NEVER TAKE A PUFF-no excuses-i am feeling-NOT ONE PUFF-i will not USE people deaths-NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF EVER -just because i am thinking ONLY OF MY UNCOMFORT IN MY OWN SKIN-POOR ME-i hurt-i feel-i am in pain-i-me-myself-poor ME-AWE-JUST ONE PUFF-23 years old is to young to die-cirrohsis of the liver to hard to deal with-MY THOUGHTS OF OLD-i have the CHOICE NOT TO THINK USING OLD NICOTINE PATTERNS-I WILL -THINK-what am i thinking about- ME-ME-ME-WHAT ABOUT ME-WHAT ABOUT ME---STOP! i made a CHOICE AND DECISION-i will NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF-or USE - no regrets-IF one of us USES NICOTINE TO COPE WITH LIFE ON LIFES TERMS-past-present or future-i will be sorry for you-as for ME- only by Gods grace-tender mercies NEW every morning to ME-I WILL NOT USE NICOTINE-over ME or YOU or any-person-place-thing-situation-circumstance-or MY stinking OLD ADDICT USING THOUGHTS-HABITS-PATTERNS-EXCUSES-I will walk N.O.P.E. in MY Lord Jesus name amen-please take what HELPS-let go of the rest-please KNOW i am talking about ME not anyone else-thank you-let love lead and not USE nicotine as an excuse-time to grow up and remember it aint all about-YOU-its about God and he is about -ALL PEOPLE-who are in bondage to nicotine addiction! Go set people free-share YOUR experience of nicotine addiction with some ONE! Give away what was FREELY given to YOU!

indingrl.01.06.2011

USING....

Posted by indingrl.01.06.2011 Nov 15, 2018

Just received news MY family member -age 23 chose to USED drugs to cope at the loss of his daddy -who died using nicotine- consequence lung cancer and using alcohol consequence alcoholism liver disease and his CHOICE to cope with his life on life terms-his mom found him dead in his bed. SINAO-N.O.P.E.-NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF EVER OVER ME-LIFE IS A CHOICE FOR ME TO BLOG FIRST-MY aunt has lost 2 adult children-4 grandsons- from them choosing to USE-just ME sharing and thanks for reading i do appreciate you all here helping ME only by Gods grace 7 YEARS CONTINUED NON SMOKING LIFE IS PAIN DEALING WITH IT-ONE DAY AT A TIME-THANK ALL OF YOU FOR TEACHING ME TO HELP WHEN I HURT TO GET OUT OF MYSELF-I appreciate all of you in MY Lord Jesus name amen please take what helps and let go of the rest-thank you! I am talking bout ME not anyone else! I will trust God no matter what-i may not understand it all-i will trust God anyway! Amen

Christine13

Good Day

Posted by Christine13 Nov 15, 2018

Good Day today, I didn't smoke.  was out to my Yoga class.  I have been having a tough time again.  My head keeps giving me indecision, yet I know this is the best thing for me.  One moment I want to smoke, the next I don't.  I want this to be easier, but it just isn't.  I go out and my head says sure, stop buy a pack, you don't really want to stop smoking even if the Dr. says you must.  I MUST do this, and not give in.  There are so many better things to do with my time and energy.  My neighbour was with me today, and she reaked of smoke.  It made me feel revolted to know I stank like that!!  She asked me if I wanted a smoke on the way home, I said no thanks.  

 

I smell clean, I have kids to live for.  They need me even tho they are grown.  I know they love me.  So today the thought that keeps me going is I have to live for them, and do my best.  Christmas will be weird this year without Brian,   I am making it through this one step, one day at a time.  For everyone here, thank you. 

Chuck_Quit_2-20-2011

The Dream

Posted by Chuck_Quit_2-20-2011 Nov 14, 2018

Last night as I was walking my dog in the crisp, rather cold air of the rockies, I looked up as is often my habit, to see the most dazzling display of stars with a bright crescent moon sitting right over the peaks which are now blanketed in snow and glowing in the moonlight.

 

And as I stared at this beauty so big that only nature could create it, a thought popped into my head. What if, almost eight years ago I hadn’t made the decision to quit smoking? What if I was still building on my incredibly strong addiction that I once had for another eight years and I realized my thinking, my health and my feelings about myself and the world around me would be nothing like they were in that exact moment.

 

With a smile I noted that my motto that has stuck with me for over eight years now was indeed correct that “the decisions I make today will determine my future tomorrow”. I still live by that motto and think of it whenever I make any major life decisions.

 

As I returned my focus to the world around me, I saw that my dog had noticed my thoughtful mood and had come to me and sat in front of me, wagging his tail. I petted him for a moment and realized that this is what freedom is all about. Wonderful moments like these that I used to dream of so long ago. And my smile grew as I realized that my reality had become what was once my dream of freedom so long ago.

 

And I thought back to those first hard months that we all must face to reach freedom and realized that though the addict within was very strong at first, so too was my dream of freedom and the desire to make that dream real.

 

I thought of freedom a lot during my quit, at times during those first months wondering if I’d ever truly feel it, or if it was a myth never to be discovered. During those first months, there is more and more freedom with every day that we stay quit. It’s just that during this time it’s hard to peer through the cloud of addiction to actually see it, but believe me, it’s there from the very first day. And as each day passes and we become more and more confident in our ability to deal with life’s problems without smoking, our minds begin to calm enough to actually start to see a glimpse of that freedom.

 

A lot of what makes quitting so hard is that the fruits of our labors aren’t fully realized for a while. We know we want to stay quit, we’re just too busy fighting ourselves to see that we’re actually succeeding. That with each day, we’re making progress and getting ever closer to that dream. That’s why every milestone should be celebrated because this can remind us of several things.

 

First of those things is living proof that we can stay smoke free for a period of time and it actually didn’t kill us. A milestone can help us to see what we’ve accomplished and to begin looking forward to the next milestone. I found that the easiest way to get through the worst of losing this addiction is to stay focused on the future because that’s where our dreams lie. And once you reach that future, you’ll never regret taking the time to get there.

 

Keep fighting and always believe that you are the master of your own future and perhaps there will be a day when you too are looking to the stars with a silly smile on your face because at this time, you’ll realize you’ve come home to the place you wanted to be all along!

 

And I have to tell you, that place is a truly amazing place to be!! I look forward to seeing you there!

 

ONWARD TO FREEDOM!!!

 

Chuck

Please i am talking about ME only-not anybody else-please take what HELPS and let go of the rest-thank you-TODAY-i am better NOT bitter-i use to be a victim 4 year old child in an adult body-i use to use nicotine to hate and rage from MY ignorance at all people from roots of fears of the unknown-TODAY-i take MY own sin inventory NOT anyone elses-i dont live in yesterdays-i dont let MY emotions lead ME-i tell them what to do-i dont live in MY future TODAY-i pray in the present NOW of MY day-TODAY-i dont smoke at people -i learned ever so SLOWLY-to surrender to God MY playing God in other adults lives-God humbles ME in His love and truth-there is a Saviour and i aint Him-i surrender all MYSELF to MY Lord Jesus and i obey MY Holy Counselor to listen without criticism and deranged twisted emotionalism-only by Gods grace i am constantly changed inside out to be of love service-to share what i use to be like-i use nicotine all the day long-i was a 4 year old victim of many evil abuses in an ADULT body with a twisted mind and a stoney heart-that blamed God and them-those people-so i used nicotine like a pacifier-only to learn by educating MYSELF-about MY nicotine addiction-i am a recovering nicotine addict-TODAY-i thank God MY daughters cirrohsis is between God and her-i mind MY own business-TODAY-i learn that GOD is in complete control of MY family-i let go of them and enjoy MY day-i pray and let love lead by keeping MY hands off ALL people-i use to TRY playing God-TODAY-i mind MY own day and TRY to love and be HELPFUL-what i use to be like and just for TODAY-i surrender to God MY past-present and future-to let God keep ME clothed in His love strength and honor in MY Lord Jesus name to never take another puff ever over ME-N.O.P.E.-Gosh it is wonderful to WALK in HIS LOVE-and to live and let live as an ADULT inside out and to WALK as an ADULT inside out-let go and let God-i am thankful to God i no longer take hostages! in MY Lord Jesus namd amen

Chuck_Quit_2-20-2011

The Big Lie

Posted by Chuck_Quit_2-20-2011 Nov 11, 2018

In life, we face many hardships. Some of our own making and some that just happen. Life is never really easy as we progress on, always seeking the harmony that we know lives within us. From the moment we’re born we begin facing adversity. It’s just the nature of life. In fact, I think life would become rather boring if we didn’t have that adversiity to deal with.

 

But along with that adversity comes feelings. A means to feel happiness. And a way to interact with each other, and to try to understand how another person's adversity is affecting them. We do this because as humans, we also have a thing called empathy. A kind of selfless caring for another because we care. Because we want to make another's adversity better if we can.

 

When we face something as monumentally damaging as addiction, we tend to toss most of what we consider to be the right thing to do right out the window! We manage to kind of forget what we’re doing to ourselves in order to ingest a chemically modified plant that somehow creates a false illusion of happiness.

 

And we spend so long reinforcing our belief in this false contentment in order to continue on, slowly damaging ourselves as we build our wall against those who would tell us to stop murdering ourselves. We become what addiction truly is. We become a lie. We lie to ourselves and those around us in order to continue living the lie and over time we actually forget what life was life was like before the big lie.

 

Often I wonder what brought me around to finding the truth.To the day where I could at last see over the wall of my own making. I know I had coughing fits for quite some time every morning before I decided to quit. This helped to keep me wondering what was wrong, but still I’d continued smoking because I was firmly in the belief that the big lie was the total foundation of my life, simply because I’d forgotten about the life without the lie. I came to believe that this life of addiction was my normal life. I could no longer see the world as it was before the big lie.

 

Even as my dad died of throat cancer that moved to the liver due to smoking, the lie was still strong in my heart. Even as I helped him through his last sad year of life, I continued smoking, completely blinded to reality even when reality was staring me in the face.

 

That’s how I know how powerful this addiction really is. It’s strong enough that we morph reality to keep doing it. I think the morning I finally decided to change my reality and gain my freedom was the first morning I quit thinking about myself.

 

You see, It wasn’t just me who I was effecting, and on that morning I thought of those around me. My children and grandchildren. I thought about how it would look if they saw me as I saw my father. Life stolen, just as cigarettes steal lives every day. And by seeing this, I began thinking what life would be like without living this constant lie, and it seemed peaceful. It seemed clean. It just seemed so free in my minds eye.

 

Over the next week, I continued feeding my addiction but now it was somehow different. Now that I’d seen reality, every cigarette seemed somehow hollow. I realized that each cigarette I smoked contained it’s own lies. Every moment that I sat there, indulging in the lie I was getting ever closer to an ugly death, rather than seeking a new reality. Of course I knew I should quit. We all know what tobacco does to us

 

That’s when I began using the motto that ”the decisions I make today will determine what my future will look like tomorrow”. And for me, the answer to defeating this lie of my own making was to quit looking at today. Quit looking at what I’ve already done and how I feel in the moment and instead look to the future whee all of the changes I was going to make would be realized.

 

Over time, I found I could focus on that future more than fear it. That I still had a chance to change my future, but I also understood that time was running out!

 

And to make a long story short, I prepped, gathered my tools and learned to understand the lie that was my addiction. By the time I put out that last cigarette, my focus was no longer on the now. My focus was on the future and that made the journey so much easier!

 

The future is where our rewards lie when we choose to lose our addiction. So long as you can stay focused on a bright new future, you will find that future and I have to tell you. Every bit of freedom I could’ve imagined was there. But also there’s a kind of peace that I never imagined would be there!

 

And now I know that the dream I had so long ago of a bright future is now a reality and you know what? It’s a reality I never, ever intend to give up!

 

ONWARD TO FREEDOM!!!


Chuck

indingrl.01.06.2011

JUST NOW....

Posted by indingrl.01.06.2011 Nov 11, 2018

JUST NOW I ASKED-God for HELP in MY Lord Jesus name amen-please take what HELPS-let go of the rest-to be HELPFUL is MY only aim-thank you-MY best friend shared HIS love and let ME read for MYSELF-healing LOVE WORDS-this person counsels ME with TRUTH that CUTS THRU MY-denial of causing MY OWN PAIN-by making a mountain out of a mole hill and pole vaulting over a mouse turd! MY new day is MINE-JUST NOW-MY friend taught ME-to be grateful for MY good night sleep-to be thankful to MY God yesterday is passed and by Gods grace-NOT ONE PUFF OVER MY DAUGHTERS OWN DISEASED LIVER AND LOW POTASIUM-the passing of MY failures and MY success of MY yesterday-its joys-all of your BLOGS-COMMENTS KEPT ME MOVING-i learned to take comfort in MY remember to obey MY Holy Comfortor inside of ME-God heals ME and teaches ME to turn MY beloved daughter over to HIS care-MY Lord Jesus sets ME free from MYSELF when I am TRYING to do the impossible-I am TRYING to change the actions-attitudes or FUTURE of anyone other than MYSELF! JUST NOW I give up -ALL MY anger-bitterness-taking personal offense-envy-hurt feelings by others actions that troubled ME-in MY Lord Jesus name I forgive ME amen-JUST NOW-I ask to change MY attitude toward MYSELF and ALL others to be in GODS LOVE-ACCEPTANCE AND COMPASSION-in MY Lord Jesus name amen JUST NOW-I pray for TODAY to keep trusting God with ALL MY needs-ways-desires-pain-hurt-joys-and expectations-fears and MY BIG BABYISM-I will look forward to MY new day to follow Gods will not MY will-JUST NOW in MY Lord Jesus name amen

indingrl.01.06.2011

ONE MOMENT

Posted by indingrl.01.06.2011 Nov 10, 2018

ONE MOMENT I was sleeping and the next up and praying-i am dealing with accepting what MY 33yr old daughter decides HOW she CHOOSES to make her OWN decisions living with cirrohsis of the liver-i stay in prayer as MY mom heart is long suffering at MY powerlessness over alcohol-nicotine-and cirrohsis of the liver-the decision she makes for the time to be on life support and telling ME her decisions and asking ME to carry them out-i agree to her way and pray to behave by asking MY Holy Comfortor to lead and teach ME to be of loving service with a good attitude in MY Lord Jesus name amen-NOT ONCE DID I THINK OF USING DRUG-MY DRUG NICOTINE TO COPE-i came here to TRY and help some ONE to believe -smoking is not MY option-this ONE MOMENT-dealing with MY life is painful-yet some ONE is worst off-who needs a liver transplant-33yr young at her OWN hands used alcohol to cope and suffers her OWN consequences with strength dignity and love-only by Gods grace and ALL OF YOU HERE-dealing with EACH of your crosses to bear-i learn to HELP the next suffering nicotine addict to hope-if i can-you can- WE will NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF EVER-NOT ONE PUFF EVER-thank you all for shining YOUR LIGHT OF LOVE AND PRAYERS FOR ALL IN THIS MONENT OF MINE-N.O.P.E. Is shining continually -so please keep blogging BEFORE you use-and let US be of love service to you-thank you-please take what HELPS and let go of the rest-thank you.

indingrl.01.06.2011

HEALTHY

Posted by indingrl.01.06.2011 Nov 7, 2018

HEALTHY is having a good bowel movement-for ME-i so appreciate MY body - i pray to God ask for help in MY Lord Jesus name and ask MY Holy Comfortor to TEACH ME to do MY part - pray - exercise - pray for others - pray to eat more veggies and more fruit - i do this - MY ACTION - part and this ACTION eating HEALTHY i gained 5 pounds dealing and staying in MY FACT AND REALITY - Judy dying from 50 years of SMOKING DEATH STICKS-but for the grace of God go I - i weigh 205 today and thats OK-for ME-i aint 275 anymore-i aint using NICOTINE over any of the consequences of MY choices-TODAY and i am SO GRATEFUL FOR A HEALTHY BOWEL MOVEMENT! I am grateful to be aware of praying each time i wantd to STUFF MYSELF with sweets instead of being RESPONSIBLE for MY feelings and i will NOT let them lead ME any longer-i have made the decision to NOT STUFF MY feelings-i feel them express them and let them GO and through out MY ONE DAY I am responsible for ONLY ME-it is so wonderful to be grown up and deal with life as it comes and to share what i use to be like and how God has changed ME inside and to be grateful i am NOT smoking in the bathroom cuz TODAY MY poop doesnt stink-eating HEALTHY did that for ME and MY poop floats and is- -HEALTHY POOP FOR ME IS GOOD-thanks for letting ME be ME! Please take what HELPS and let go of the rest-thank you!

indingrl.01.06.2011

YAWN....

Posted by indingrl.01.06.2011 Nov 5, 2018

YAWN.... YOUR CHOICE-NOW YOU WILL NOT HAVE AN EXCUSE NO ONE TOL D YOU... YAWN....I started MY new day by prayer and spending time worshiping God by exercising this body -which belongs to God -which GOD PAID A HIGH PRICE by crucifying his one and only son for the WHOLE human race - and when you CHOOSE to believe by reading the bible-read it for yourself- 1 Corinthians chapter 15 verses 1-4-we are under Gods grace NOT the law-this 1 Corinthians chapter verses 1-4 which is Apostle Paul gospel of grace-when you choose to believe what you read in that chapter and verses-you are eternally saved by your own belief-you take God at his word-FREE WILL -to believe or not - its that simple but its ALL ON EACH HUMAN- FREE ETERNAL SALVATION to believe or not - just like when EACH of us chose to believe or not those who say-i have not used nicotine for 7 YEARS-the doubt is there so I keep reading for MYSELF and when i finish reading the blog-then i decide for MYSELF! I chose to believe the elders blogs with their experience-strength-hope-love-fellowship-for ME - ALSO it was SUGGESTED-for ME-to read the bible for ME- so I did and the rest is history-i chose eternal salvation with GOD-instead of eternal separation from GOD-EVERY HUMAN WILL STAND BEFORE JESUS FOR THEIR OWN CHOOSING  - just like EACH of us choose to breathe or continue USING NICOTINE to die AN EARLY DEATH-FREE WILL - Its all on you- to take God at his word- or NOT! AINT FREE WILL something-NO ONE TO BLAME BUT OURSELVES! Continue to use NICOTINE and continue to walk in UNBELIEF! Choices-EACH PERSON-and the consequences of that choices-Please take what HELPS and let go of the rest-thank you.

indingrl.01.06.2011

HEY....

Posted by indingrl.01.06.2011 Nov 4, 2018

HEY you are just like ME-I remember when i use any EXCUSE-EMOTION-SICK THINKING-REASON-SITUATION-FEELING-CIRCUMSTANCE-SELF-PITY-ALL to justify and SAY-HEY I BLAME THEM-THIS-THAT-OTHERS-LIFE-just so i could USE BECAUSE I WANT TO SUCK ON DEATH STICKS SO I DONT HAVE TO GROW UP AND BE RESPONSIBLE FOR ME AND MY BEHAVIOR-MOUTH- AND LIFE-STYLE! Thank you so much EVERYONE here for HELPING ME-to see the SIMALARITIES and NOT the differances - please take what HELPS - and let go of the rest-thank you!

What follows is a list of things that may or may not be revelations to those who do not suffer from mental illness. It is my fond hope that it may help those who want to better understand  the inner mechanisms of someone with Bipolar and other mental illnesses. Did you know there are at least three types of the condition that need clarification:

 

*  Bipolar Disorder I. This classification is indicated by the prevalence of mania. Mania can cover a gambit of things but the following is a list of the common symptoms.  People with Bipolar 1 might have a prevalence of excessive enthusiasm or desire toward madness, excitement, euphoria, delusions, overactivity, and obsessions.People with Bipolar 1  (mixed) may experience longer terms of mania but has periods of depression.

 

*  Bipolar II is defined by the prevalence of more depressive emotions to include 

 

*  Cyclothymic Disorder is defined by numerous periods of hypomanic symptoms as well numerous periods of depressive symptoms lasting for at least 2 years.  This is more of a catchall diagnosis because the symptoms do not meet the diagnostic requirements for a hypomanic episode and a depressive episode.

      

National Institute Of Mental Health

 

1. I worry that people will think I’m a fake.


Do I really have bipolar disorder, or is it just an excuse for acting crazy and getting away with it? Can I really not control some of my actions when I have a manic or depressive episode? Surely this is all just a ruse. These thoughts cause heaping loads of self-inflicted guilt, which nobody needs or wants to hear. But without the support we may turn to smoking, drugs or god forbid both.  Reassurance is extremely important!  Without it the cycle continues or can get worse until something bad happens.


2. I won’t always know what I need.


Do I need to be left alone? Or do I need company? More talking? Less talking? A therapy session? Medication adjustment? Time? Chocolate? Although most people might know exactly what they need and when, it is not the case for me. Often it’s trial and error to find out what will work during a particular depressive or manic episode. Sometimes it's too difficult to even try what will work.  Anything we're addicted to may be the only thing we are up to doing at all. Patience is key.


3. I am a really, really good actor.


So good, in fact, I fool myself sometimes into thinking I’m not as sick as I am. My suicide attempts were an almost

out-of-body experience. The days leading up to it/them (over 20 years ago) I was faking happiness and well-being, so well I even fooled myself into denying I needed help. The whole time I was carrying out my plan, it was as though I was standing aside and watching from a distance. Why should I quit smoking when I was trying to die in the FIRST place! Encourage frequent and deep self-examination. Don't get mad if I tell you to F.O. I will turn to my addiction who understands.

 

4. It’s a whole different world inside my brain from what I let on.


Sometimes the struggle to maintain a semblance of normalcy requires every bit of energy I have. I don’t always have much left over for cooking, cleaning or the monumental  task of quitting smoking. Your patience and help is, as ever, appreciated more than you know.


5. I worry constantly that I passed my “sick” genetics onto my beloved children.


My eye is always on the lookout for symptoms in my own children that signal any dangerous mental aberrations. I grieve deeply that they are at an increased risk for inheriting bipolar disorder and depression because of me. I wonder if the cause of my oldest son having Asperger's Syndrome or my youngest son's A.D.D.  My mom still cries and wonders what she did wrong to cause this and that they didn't know I had it when I was a teenager or they would've gotten me help.  I didn't find out until I was nearly 30 as it was rarely diagnosed correctly before then.  My outlet to handle worry was to smoke.


6. I worry I may neglect my own loved ones by my need to check out occasionally, and that they will wind up resenting me.

 

Pretty self-explanatory here.  Cigarettes never resent you.  They have no feelings at all so you don't even have to think about it.  As long as I was addicted to them I didn't have to face resentment from other sources. Quitting smoking may make me take a mental nosedive and a fear of resentment from others.


7. My heart is not bipolar, only my brain.


If you stick with me, I will love you passionately and eternally. My appreciation for you will increase exponentially when you bear with me during the difficult moments as I wrestle mightily with my disease, I am capable of deep and abiding affection. When I tell you I love you, don’t question my motives or sincerity, and I long to be accepted and loved in return, flaws and all.

 

As the saying goes "and now you know".  This is not the definitive list of bipolar disorder's symptoms nor does it cover all the mechanisms used to manage them.  Every person with bipolar has different norms, extremes, tendencies, coping strategies, and management.  These can change from a millisecond to months or years at varying degrees.  These are some very real looks into how those of us with the disease perceive the world, wish you really knew, and how they affect our quits.  That isn't to say that we cannot quit smoking and/or stay smoke free and addiction free. We can! These hidden reasons CAN exasperate the process of quitting and living a life without cigarettes. 

 

I'm 53 Days STRONG in my quit and will keep it close.  The support of the entire EX community lifts me up at all times to help wade through the sludge that is my mind toward the life of being an ex-smoker.

 

BTW - Before they banned smoking inside medical facilities, let alone on the campus grounds do you have any idea how many people smoked in the psych ward? The last time (there were many) I was in lockdown ward (I never went on the kiddie ride of being able to go eat in the cafeteria or leave the ward for any reason) at least 50% of the patients smoked.  Glad I never had to go back when that started.  Besides, I met THE best people in the world in the smoking room! 

 

Julie

I rescued a German Shepherd back in August.  16 months old and full of love, fear, bad habits, instincts, boundless energy, curiosity and 70 pounds of sheer force.  After wondering whether I would EVER be able to train, retrain or even walk this lovely beast, I think I have decided to use purely positive training.  I say I think because he goes after children.  My trainer thinks he was kicked or teased because his reaction is so strong.  I don't use the word attack because his hackles don't go up but he runs toward them and bites their feet and ankles.  Yes, it is a herding instinct but much more than that.  He went after my Grandson and bit his ankle through his sock.  My Grandson doesn't love dogs to begin with and they haven't been together since.  He went after a child at the dog park and my young neighbor who came into the backyard unannounced.  We are working by walking along the fence at the nearby school as the children play and using commands, distracting him and getting him used to children's antics.

 

Where am I going with this?  It's a metaphor for training. Maybe obscure but holds value for me in my journey to quit smoking again.  Can I give myself the same purely positive attitude?  Can I stop beating myself up for the many mistakes and relapses I have had?  Do I need a shock collar or a prong collar?  Does hurting myself help me learn?

 

I don't know.  I don't know.  There are so many things I just don't know.  I do know dogs aren't people.  I do know there are many trains of thought and if I can't train Ivan in a positive way to stop going after children I will have to make some tough decisions.  I don't want to believe I may have to go there.  Am I in denial?

 

I have been in denial about my feelings about quitting.  I say I will and I don't.  I believe excuse after excuse.  I stay hidden in the dark space of addiction.  I realized how angry I am.  How sad I am. How hurt I am and yesterday I just cried.  I cried for my past.  For the immigrants walking to the border.  For the state of our country.  For the hate that seems so prevalent all around us.  I cried because I think we all really just want love and fear is taking over and causing many of us to act out in ways that are so destructive.  I realized that so many people feel this way and don't realize it.  I prayed and cried and became soft again.  Became loving and vulnerable in hopes of breaking open and releasing the anger that hides my true feelings of sadness and loss.  We have to heal in order to save ourselves, our neighbors, our planet.

 

Yep!  I'm all over the place but my heart remains open. I want to stop judging myself, my neighbors, my family.  We can look upon things without having an opinion.  Just look.  We can observe the beauty all around us or see the destruction.  It's all about choice.  Quitting smoking is a choice only we can make.  The power is within each and every one of us.  From the smallest choice to one that will change our lives forever.  

 

I am sending love and acceptance to everyone.  May we decide to live in peace.  

 

Laura

indingrl.01.06.2011

A MEAL TO....

Posted by indingrl.01.06.2011 Nov 3, 2018

A meal to CELEBRATE the life of Judy today at 10am her pastor teaching ME to remember- WE will meet again just not yet so let us celebrate in sharing how Judy changed our lives by telling each other our stories of love-i remember how Judy was always loving kind and generous to ME with words to encourage ME to be MYSELF and relax-God will take care of us. Judy was troubled but loved EVERYONE-lesson learned-LET LOVE LEAD IN ALL I DO-MY ACTIONS DO SPEAK LOUDER-Judy was a survior of childhood physical-mental-emotional-spiritual abuse and did the best she could to let LOVE lead her-I heard there is a little bit of good and a little bit of bad in each and everyone of us-so i learned-GOD DONT MAKE JUNK! Thanking God for his tender mercy on ME and loving ME with Judy and all of you teaching ME-smoking is not an option-NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF EVER-NOT ONE PUFF EVER!

TRUSTING all those with YEARS not using nicotine to take all their EXPERIENCE and SUGGESTIONS and READ THEIR BLOGS before I use and to BLOG before I CHOOSE TO USE- today-nov. 2 - 2018-is the gathering of INTIMACY of BLOOD FAMILY relationship and discussing Judy passing at 62yr YOUNG from lung cancer- SOME of these humans are  ACTIVE NICOTINE USERS-and thats OK-THEIR FREE WILL CHOICE-I have TRUE INTIMACY RELATIONSHIPS HERE with all of you-TRUE inner SELF - love honesty courage to admit complete defeat reguarding NICOTINE - all the ELDERS continue by their ACTION to teach real INTIMACY in any relationship is with SELF- INSIDE - living a life as NON SMOKERS TODAY and that includes all humans who have a desise not to use nicotine just for today-because you didnt use cuz someone died and with your experience with death you blog and share and give away your heart in love to teach ME- that I to can share and I would be INTIMATE with you in this relationship to admit MY own defeat to share MY inner most fears that i am scared i may use NICOTINE to cope - and your INTIMACY with ME was the love given to you-NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF EVER-over you or life on lifes terms-you didnt- so thank you all for teaching ME to be INTIMATE-inside out-to continue to BUILD INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS WITH RECOVERING NICOTINE ADDICTS TODAY! True intimacy for ME is MY relationships that keep ME growing in GODS GRACE AND LOVE BY STAYING QUIT NO MATTER WHAT-TOGETHER! Thanks for all you do in building bridges to recovery from NICOTINE by your being INTIMATE builders from your experience in dealing with death of loved ones by sharing and caring. Yall are the BEST!

Chuck_Quit_2-20-2011

Confusion

Posted by Chuck_Quit_2-20-2011 Nov 1, 2018

 So often in a quit there is one thing that seems to stand out, especially in the beginning. And that would be a kind of confusion we experience after we put out that last cigarettes and quite often during preparation itself.

 

 I think there’s a few reasons for this. When we first decide to quit, we’re choosing to change things. A lot of things. In fact, when we decide to quit, we decide to change what had become the very foundation of our lives, simply because as addicts, cigarettes became the new foundation. The very things that we based our world on.

 

I mean, think about it. As a smoker, the first thought in the morning is to have a cigarette. Actually, the last thought, for that matter. And then we go through our morning rituals, but without our realizing it, we even changed that. Now, along with what we used to do in the mornings, we have to be sure that we have enough of the old cancer sticks to get through, and of course something to light them with.

 

Then we would power down a couple of smokes right before work, thinking that this will get us through until our break, and yet before that break we’re craving and getting irritable. Sound about right? And that’s not even the evening rituals and in my case even the middle of the night ones. (I was that addicted.)

 

In fact, one of the first thoughts I’d have before waking was, “Where are my cigarettes?” and the last thought in the evening was “Where are my cigarettes?”

 

Add that to the fact that even our financial budget included cigarettes, and no wonder the thought of quitting strikes fear in the heart. I mean, what else Is there to think of since the reality is that even when we were thinking of something else, the cigarette was always in the back of the mind.

 

And so in order to quit successfully, we have to almost remove the entire foundation of our lives and replace it with something new. This would of course create confusion!

 

 When we quit, we have to replace not only the first thought of the day but the last one as well. Somehow it seems like driving is so much harder without that cigarette and breaks at work are suddenly meaningless. We’re just not used to this new idle time that our minds suddenly have and so many of us use that time to think of what we’d normally be doing SMOKING! And then the world seems like one endless crave.

 

If we don’t prepare for all of this then it can seem impossible just to function on those first days. But it’s still doable. The key for me was to always look inward. To create a face for my addiction. There are so many names for our internal struggles with ourselves. I called it the addict within and for some reason, it helped me to understand what I was feeling because what I felt was like there were two minds inside of me, constantly fighting each other, and never seeming to come to an impasse.

 

Once I named my addiction and started treating it like the enemy that it was, it brought a little more clarity to my days. If I was feeling like I was living a continuous urge, I’d look inside myself at the old addict within and tell it to shut up! I started treating it like a screaming toddler because it simply wouldn’t listen to reason. Eventually, as time passed, I began treating the old addict within like it was a comedian, cracking jokes. I began to laugh at my addiction, and that was the day when I knew that jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007 was right! That was the day I knew I’d won!

 

The day you can look at your addiction and laugh in its face every time it tries to get you is the day that you have won the most important battle there is because face it. Addiction really makes no sense to begin with.

 

All I can say is that if you can get through those confusing parts that hit us at first, then there’s a good chance that you’ll succeed. Never be afraid to ask questions or vent in this place when you begin to feel that confusion. We’ll do our best to help you to understand where it’s coming from and how so many of us beat those first hard days, and that crazy confusion.

 

The main thing to always remember is that every bit of confusion that we feel. Every bit of unfocused anger that is experienced. Every bit of fear is completely normal and just part of the journey. Remove the mystery from addiction and addiction really has nothing left to fight us with.

 

Stay focused on the future because that’s what we’re fighting for the moment we decide to quit, and stay focused on how wonderful freedom is and before long, you’ll be with us helping the next ones who have found the strength to take that first step. The rewards are out there and quite real. It just takes a little time to get there . . .

 

ONWARD TO FREEDOM!!!

 

Chuck

indingrl.01.06.2011

ATTITUDE OF....

Posted by indingrl.01.06.2011 Nov 1, 2018

Please take what HELPS and let go of the rest-to be HELPFUL is MY only aim-thank you. I am grateful to God for this site and all the family with new family added everyday by their OWN free will CHOICE TO LIVE NICOTINE FREE ONE DAY AT A TIME WITH ALL HERE LEARNING TO WALK WITH EACH OTHER-NOT ONE PUFF EVER-I am grateful to be nicotine free and a spiritual mature person with an open heart and mind to continue to grow day by day learning to keep an attitude of gratitude to God and all he has done in ME to live inside out in HIS LOVE to all and to remember to thank Him for you all who continue to walk your OWN talk-teaching ME to do the same-by Gods grace and MY action-to NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF EVER OVER ME! To help another-to think of OTHERS above MYSELF-today is MY friends bday-she gets to make the CHOICE - for her husband-to let him go or let the machines keeping him alive and send to nursing home-he is 47 and has been in diabetic coma-medically proven brain dead-God willing I will bring her bday gift in ICU-TODAY- in MY Lord Jesus name amen

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