I am right back where I started...Full Blown Relapse...Today New Day 1

Blog Post created by princessdeborahd on Sep 11, 2018

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I'm not going to make any excuses! It all happened so fast...One puff...one smoke and next thing I know I was buying a pack... Sneaking around... I kept telling myself that when this pack is gone, THAT'S IT!! And back to the corner I would go...I said that's it for 3 weeks! Michael and I are early risers...3-4 am. I was waking up at 1 and 2 am. Walking down to the patio where no one could see me and smoke with my coffee. The old behavior was back with a vengence!

This morning I went to the patio and had one cigarette. I said That's It!! No More! I destroyed the rest of my pack....threw my lighter away and headed home. I feel like such a loser! All I can do now is take one minute at a time!!! And I know where one puff will lead me! I don't want to go there again!!!

Deborah

Outcomes

40 Comments

YoungAtHeart Sep 11, 2018 6:38 PM
I am so sorry to hear you made that initial decision to take a puff. You need to accept that there will never, ever be just one puff to an addict. The Law of Addiction states, "Administration of a drug to an addict will cause re-establishment of chemical dependence upon the addictive substance." - from whyquit.com.
I am glad you have decided to start in again so quickly. Good decision!
You might spend a minute thinking about your decision to smoke and make a plan what you will do differently THIS time.
I'm glad you are back!
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- princessdeborahd @ YoungAtHeart on Sep 11, 2018 7:00 PM
  YoungAtHeart ....Thank you Nancy for getting back to me so quickly! I was hiding from everyone I know because I didn't want anyone to know that I relapsed. I have tears of relief coming here to tell the truth. I will read everything!!!
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marciem Sep 11, 2018 6:51 PM
I'm so sorry to read this... I know how bad you feel. I'd like you to bookmark or whatever one does around here to mark a post, (or maybe even print it out and stick it on the fridge) and come back to it often, as a reminder that no matter how crappy withdrawal can and will make you feel, relapse makes you feel 100 times crappier!! And the relapse/smoking crappy is permanent, withdrawal crappy is only temporary and leads to .... TERRIFIC. Terrific health wise and very importantly terrific self-esteem wise, which relapse has momentarily destroyed for you.

Good for you for throwing out the rest of the pack!! A lot of people figure they'd be wasting money if they don't smoke all of them that they have, but I say that the money is wasted as soon as you buy them, smoking them is a waste of your time and health along with the money already spent. So you've wasted less by dumping them .

Best wishes, and come back often!!! One crave at a time is how you beat the addiction!
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- princessdeborahd @ marciem on Sep 11, 2018 7:21 PM
  Thank you marciem for your encouragement. My self esteem took a nosedive. I almost made it to triple digits...and i was feeling great and much healthier. I'm back to coughing and feeling crappy as you say!
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SimplySheri Sep 11, 2018 7:13 PM
So it's Day 1 and you know what? That's ok. You have made the commitment and that's the beginning of your forever quit Honor your commitment, own this quit, and don't look back as you're not going that way!! You know how so all that's left to do is....do it! Glad you're here.
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MarilynH Sep 11, 2018 7:19 PM
Day ONE Will be WON with many more to come you are going to be A OK, deep breaths and know that we're all here to help you in any way we can. ...
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- princessdeborahd @ MarilynH on Sep 11, 2018 7:29 PM
  Thank you MarilynH . Thank you for being here for me!
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  - Aew1031 @ princessdeborahd on Sep 11, 2018 9:40 PM
    Understand where you’ve been and the challenge you are facing. Back to square one. Getting the nicotine out of your system, which is so annoying, painful, distracting, uncomfortable, etc., etc. Don’t let this one cigarette lead you down the path of “only one” more. Have been there and it just prolongs the agony. Stay strong and find a new hobby or interest to take the place of smoking if you wake early. Crossword puzzles and jigsaw puzzles are great for that sort of thing.
    Amy DOF7
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Aew1031 Sep 11, 2018 9:49 PM
Deborah, check out this blog:
How It Is Supposed To Be
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- princessdeborahd @ Aew1031 on Sep 11, 2018 10:31 PM
  Aew1031 ...Thank you Amy for your support! Congratulations on 7 DOF I'm going right now to read the blog you recommended.
  Deborah 1 DOF
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shashort Sep 12, 2018 1:34 AM
So sorry to read about your relapse. At least now you know for sure one puff will take you back into that addiction. Stay tough and close to us. Feel free to holler if your struggling. But welcome to day 1 won! Woohoo.
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SaraCorinne Sep 12, 2018 6:09 AM
The nicodemon has been very active inside my head lately too. I'm on the roller coaster stage of my quit. One day I'm up, feeling as though I'm the smartest person in the world for giving up smoking. The next I'm down, thinking to heck with this $h!t, I'm smoking. Sometimes it's minute to minute, my feelings of up and down-ness! It's crazy, I'm crazy! Good for you getting right back to you quit! You know what to expect so hold on tight and go easy on yourself! You got this!
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- Mandolinrain @ SaraCorinne on Sep 12, 2018 7:59 AM
  Stay the course Sara, your doing really well
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- Mandolinrain @ SaraCorinne on Sep 12, 2018 8:12 AM
  I am very bummed to read this but also ....perhaps its a good thing. In my case it was anyway. Good in the realization that it brought everything up to the front row and there was no longer and denying myself this beautiful program....the VALUE it had for me and finally deciding I would quit romancing the smoke and romance this site instead.
  
  I remember sneaking out and having a cigg and then before I knew it , it was an entire pack. I THOUGHT I was hiding this fact but no.....my husband and my friends could smell it on me. I was not fooling anyone but let me tell you something.....the nicodemon was trying to fool me. I was the fool.
  
  You have been here long enough to know it takes real desire-determination and dedication to make this work. When I quit playing around with the THREE 'D's, as I like to call it.... I hit bottom and had my breakdown. So perhaps this is your breakdown.
  
  I am elated your starting on your quit and moving forward now. Im glad you quit hiding and spoke out. Don't look into the rearview mirror. DON'T romance the smoke. Thats a huge red flag and will cause those sneaky feelings that maybe you can have 'just one'. Come here instead. If your an early riser , go and come to this site and read blogs.
  
  I know the feelings you have. I had them too. I am proud of you for coming here, telling us and deciding to stop the madness. YOU are worth it. Theres no judgement here on EX....we all do that enough to ourselves. I stand with you.
  Welcome Home
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JonesCarpeDiem Sep 12, 2018 6:35 AM
Keep Your Head Up
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Barbscloud Sep 12, 2018 8:18 AM
Hi Deb. Wondered where you've been. Sorry to hear this, but glad you're back on track.

Barb
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elvan Sep 12, 2018 10:02 AM
I am SO SORRY to read this. I honestly felt like crying because I know how well you have done and how many ways you have changed things so you could keep your quit. This one will be MUCH stronger, Deb, remember NOPE...Not One Puff Ever and say it over and over and over again. Whenever you even THINK of smoking, say NOPE...say it silently or quietly, say it out loud, YELL it if you need to. No matter what, don't let this miserable addiction grab ahold of you ever again. Remember that we are here, remember that we care, we all want you to succeed and not to suffer through one relapse after another. This is a journey...DON'T choose to jump off the cliff into the relapse. Keep going, one step at a time. Remember OldBones-Larry "One step and then another, will get you to where you want to be."
Hugs,
Ellen
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Christine13 Sep 12, 2018 10:28 AM
So sorry Deb. Happy you are back, and realized your mistake. You can feel really good about yourself, because you have begun again!! Wishing you all the best.
xo
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Giulia Sep 12, 2018 1:58 PM
I feel for you, Deb. You know, one thing that might be helpful is to go back and read all your blogs from first to last and the attendant responses. Then read the blogs in the Relapse Prevention group. It might reinforce your understanding of the journey. And we can never get enough reinforcement.

If you really know where one puff will take you and you really don't want to go there again, you won't. Once I quit the last time, I really "got" that I never wanted another day one. I didn't want another day one more than I wanted that next smoke. Hmmm, that's interesting. I didn't say I wanted to quit more than I wanted to smoke. I've often said you don't have to want to quit in order to do so. But I think I just realized you do need to want something MORE than smoking. The desire to stay free has to overcome the desire of the addiction. Whether it's because "day one's" are so awful, or because the sense of pride is greater, or discipline or ... something, some emotion, thought, has to be stronger - more important, we have to need freedom more than anything else. Because the "anything else" is the "everything else" of addiction. Thoughts in progress here. Thanks for the brain boost.

Keep at it.
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karenjones Sep 12, 2018 4:56 PM
I can tell yu are getting good and ready to quit, i can tell you are getting fed up with that old horrid smoking. i never want another day one, or week one. I can tell you are getting there.
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maryfreecig Sep 12, 2018 5:06 PM
Welcome back. Sorry to hear that you slipped back--this does happen. Many of us have been there. Let it fade into the past and keep working your quit. Letting go of the dependency is a full time job for a while--the foundation takes a lot of work--but as you already know--it's worth it. Big hug. Yes you can.
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Jennifer-Quit Sep 12, 2018 5:12 PM
So sorry to hear this. Most of us who have experienced just a little bit of freedom from smoking can never be a happy smoker again. With that being said - only one thing for you to do - lay them down and never smoke another! You can do this - make a plan of what to do the next time temptation comes knocking on your door. Best wishes!
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Mike.n.Atlanta Sep 12, 2018 5:31 PM
I've been wondering where you were and am happy to see you back.
You're gonna get this, just keep on keepin on,
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indingrl Sep 12, 2018 6:16 PM
WELCOME AND CONGRATS ON STAYING EDUCATED ON YOUR NICOTINE USING -GOOD JOB BEING TRUTHFUL AND HONEST WITH SELF! BEAUTIFUL LOVING DEBORAH AND CHOOSING LIFE JUST FOR YOU!
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Sootie Sep 12, 2018 8:24 PM
We are all well aware of that self loathing that starts the minute you finish that first cigarette after you've blown your quit. I don't know one single person who ever smoked, decided to quit, quit and NEVER relapsed. I am sure they exist....but I've never met them.
THAT BEING SAID.......you don't want to be a smoker. You've seen how great quitting can be. You CAN do this.....we all did and we are certainly NO DIFFERENT from you! Reach out on the site next time you feel your resolve slipping. Have you tried reading whyquit.com? When I felt like smoking....I would go read on there until the urge passed.....and it always did.
Stay Strong.
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elvan Sep 12, 2018 9:40 PM
Hey Deb, just want you to know I am thinking of you and holding you close.
Ellen
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princessdeborahd Sep 12, 2018 9:54 PM
marciem SimplySheri Sootie indingrl Mike.n.Atlanta Jennifer-Quit maryfreecig karenjones Giulia Christine13 elvan Barbscloud JonesCarpeDiem
Mandolinrain SaraCorinne shashort Aew1031 MarilynH
YoungAtHeart
I want to thank each and everyone of you for sharing your wisdom, encouragement, your experiences and kindness. I learned a huge lesson. NOPE!!!
No matter what!!! Had a good day today and felt so much relief not having to smoke!

Hugs to all.
Deb
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- SimplySheri @ princessdeborahd on Sep 12, 2018 9:57 PM
  Good for you, Deb!! Glad you had a good day Even more glad you didn't have to smoke!!
  
  Sheri
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- Mandolinrain @ princessdeborahd on Sep 13, 2018 5:52 AM
  xoxo, Deb, you can do this....we are here for you
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- maryfreecig @ princessdeborahd on Sep 13, 2018 6:20 PM
  Hugs back at ya!
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Giulia Sep 12, 2018 10:41 PM
We all have a common denominator. And that's this addiction. And the desire to overcome it. We're all on the same team. For those of us who are "Elders," we ache inside when a relapse happens. But that's why we stick around - to try our best to help someone get to the other side. We know the cost all to well. We also know the Freedom. And it's - worth every single craving minute, day, week and month. It is - well, you'll know it when you get there.
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BryceEvans Sep 12, 2018 11:18 PM
Hey, don’t beat yourself up. You win some, you lose some. Failure is only bad if you don’t learn from it. And you jumping right back on the horse to quit shows you’re not a quitter (or are a quitter in this case )
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beazel Sep 13, 2018 12:07 AM
Just remember....Smoking Is Not An Option.....no matter what.

You can do it.
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ash2lar Sep 13, 2018 9:15 AM
Get back on your horse and start again. Buy some gum and coloring books. Start meditating. Think of something else to do. Smoking doesn't make anything better. Focus on how good you feel when you don't smoke.
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minihorses Sep 13, 2018 2:16 PM
Deborah I went back to smoking the same way you did. I had 7 months not smoking. Then hid and had a puff here, a couple puffs there, half a cig, a whole cig, and then back to a pack a day. I didn't beat myself about it because after b
again and back hereI had more tools and the support of being on Ex. It might help you to see it this way. You're learning how to ride a bicycle. You're a bit wobbly at first but you go a little ways and fall off. You see you have road rash so you can try again to ride the bicycle or push it home. Either way you've learned a valuable lesson and steer away from that area until you have more experience riding. To "err is human..." When you're ready you will do this!
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virgomama Sep 13, 2018 4:40 PM
Good for you for throwing that pack away. The main thing here is you rededicated to your quit. Keep going you're an inspiration for me. My quit day is two weeks away. AGAIN!!!. I threw 3 quits away and will be starting my 4th and I'm determined my final one.
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elvan Sep 13, 2018 8:20 PM
We are here for you, Deb, we are here for you and many of us have been where you are, many of us had to start over. You are going to get this.
Hugs,
Ellen
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Christine13 Sep 14, 2018 2:24 PM
Deborah, I'm so glad you're back, good job on tossing out the cigs. If at first you don't succeed try again, and you will get it. I've had to try many times, but I'm not giving up or in this time.
xo
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angel01madrid Sep 5, 2019 10:36 AM
Hi, It's not how many times you fall but that you get back up. You can do this. My quit date is Oct 8th, 2019 and even in your bad times, you have inspired me to get back up when I do fall.
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- ash2lar @ angel01madrid on Sep 6, 2019 9:17 AM
  Don't despair! You can do this! One day at a time. Smoking doesn't make
  anything better. That's been my mantra since I quit. My sister died 7
  months after I quit, and I didn't go back. I had a very stressful 2018,
  including moving out of state, and I ddin't go back to smoking. It doesn't
  make anything better.
  But don't beat yourself up either. Be kind to yourself, take time for
  yourself, keep a list about all the good things about quitting. Brush your
  teeth when you get urges.
  My spouse still smokes. I have to stay away from it. It's not easy, but I
  just got through a hurricane. Yup, still didn't smoke.
  Besides, my old brand is way too expensive now!
  Stay strong, and I'm here for you!!
  
  Christine
  
  On Thu, Sep 5, 2019 at 11:44 PM virgomama <communityadmin@becomeanex.org>
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I am right back where I started...Full Blown Relapse...Today New Day 1

Outcomes

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