indingrl.01.06.2011

FEELING

Blog Post created by indingrl.01.06.2011 on Aug 21, 2018

Today I am dealing with the MY real feeling of feeling...... MY feelings......Judy is going to be sent home next week....they didn't give the exact day due to INSURANCE PAPERWORK still being filled out so EVERYONE is covered.....isn't it amazing..... ALL THAT PAPERWORK.....Judy invited ME to go with her to the meeting that was called....HOSPICE CARE.....at home....the occupational and physical therapies OFFERED through Judy's insurance....I just held her hand...I listened as they talked with her daughter.....the legal VOICE....of Judy's well being and last days were being discussed....they.... INSURANCE people....did glance at Judy every now and again..... as they continued to talk INSURANCE TALK with her daughter.......all the bases covered.....they have done ALL they can to manage Judy's well-being and taught Judy pain management and now we will get the PAPERWORK ready for you to transition home to HOSPICE CARE.....then Judy and the daughter and ME left the office....going back to Judy's room.....Judy has brain cancer.....I love and like Judy when I met her over 23 YEARS ago....Judy says she loves ME and I am her favorite sister-in-law.....her ONLY sister-in-law..... since she has ONLY ONE BROTHER.....Judy has a good sense of humor..it brought back memories from a book I read over 31 YEARS AGO.......by Bill Wilson...... called Alcoholics Anonymous......there is a little bit of bad and a little bit of good in EACH and EVERYONE of us.....NOW I remember....Judy told ME she is a size 3 now...I stay and visit until.... MY heart will NOT take another ache......it is a lot tougher for ME.....those of US..... that have to go on living.....THAT IS WHAT I BELIEVE......selfish on MY PART I KNOW.....this is MY story....I am NOT TALKING ABOUT ANYONE ELSE....so please take what helps and let go of the rest to be helpful is MY ONLY AIM....thank you....I read MY BIBLE before and after and in between..... I stay in constant contact with MY Holy Spirit to guide ME and to TEACH ME......to be a COMFORT to Judy and NOT A BURDEN....I feel MY FEELINGS AND DO NOT LET THEM RUN ME....I visit Judy..... even though it is very hard to STAY IN THE MOMENT....cancer is hard to look at when the physical is being destroyed NOW CUZ CANCER ATE AT HER INSIDE AND NOW I REMEMBER....she witnessed at her church......Judy was healed of lung cancer a while back and CHOICE TO SMOKE AGAIN.....cancer came back with a VENGENCE.....CONSEQUENCES OF JUDY'S FREE WILL CHOICES.. I know yet MY HEART doesn't want to ACCEPT REALITY.......MY feelings.....FEEL....they go twisted in ME....FEEL THE FEELINGS.....MY thoughts........ when she CHOICE OF HER OWN FREE WILL TO USE NICOTINE AGAIN....I was mad and upset and judge and criticized her and spoke to MY HUSBAND...I vented and expressed to MY HUSBAND ALL THE FEEELINGS I WAS FEELING until I was wore out and cried OUT TO MY LORD JESUS....then I went before MY Lord Jesus BY FAITH IN PRAYER....I asked forgiveness for judging and criticizing Judy....I received His forgiveness with NO GUILT OR CONDEMNATION....in MY Lord Jesus name and his HEALING BLOOD....I REMEMBERED A PREACHER TEACHING ME.......THERE IS POWER IN JESUS NAME FOR GOD IS IN HIS NAME....how I have cried.....begged....claimed for Judy to be HEALED...yet I don't know WHAT JUDY WANTS HER HEARTS DESIRE AT THIS TIME WITH HER BRAIN CANCER.....its so sad....and I KNOW.....I am NOT GOD.....I know MY Lord Jesus can heal..... if..... HE CHOOSES AND EVEN IF HE DOESNT.......FOR ME.....MY Lord Jesus is MY ONLY HOPE......and I will stand in God's Holy Word and believe.....I will see Judy again......for NOW... TODAY.....Judy is still alive and dealing with her brain cancer.... the best she can.....moments of reality.....then speaking gibberish....and it is noted.... that brain cancer causes violent OUTBURSTS.......I go into denial because FEELING MY FEELINGS HURTS WAY TOO MUCH.... FOR ME.......I ask MY Holy Spirit to  teach ME to stay in prayer.... all the DAY long and in thankfulness to God in REMEMBERING HIS BOWELS OF MERCIES....BOWELS OF KINDNESS....BOWELS OF FORGIVENESS....AND MOST OF ALL GODS BOWELS OF LOVE ......FOR HIS BELOVED DAUGHTER JUDY.....not once did I think of using..... NICOTINE TO ESCAPE MY REAL FEELINGS OF POWERLESSNESS.....NOR MY FEELINGS OF HELPLESSNESS.......Judy  still CHOOSES TO USE NICOTINE...I noticed Judy very dried skin and that she had the same clothes on from yesterday......I ask Judy if I could help her bath and lotion and change her outfit into the new outfit her brother and I brought for her and she said YES....what an honor to be of service to a beautiful courageous beloved sister......thank you ELDERS for teaching ME.....I will be able to live a NON-SMOKER LIFE and deal with MY REAL FEELINGS TO FEEL AND BE RESPONISBLE GROWN UP.....MY FAITH IN GOD AND HIS HOLY WORD......TO KEEP MOVING FORWARD TO MY ETERNAL INHERITANCE......MY LORD JESUS......so just for TODAY.....NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF EVER AND LIVE IN REALTIY.......TO FEELING MY FEELINGS and share the HOPE.....with ALL who are suffering from NICOTINE ADDICTION......BELIEVE ME.....IF I CAN FEEL AND LIVE WITHOUT USING NICOTINE.....SO CAN YOU...IF.... YOU CHOOS....E TO LIVE AS A NON SMOKER..... NO MATTER WHAT LIFE ON LIFES TERMS BRINGS.....SO FEEL AND BE RESPONSIBLE TO THINK MORE OF ANOTHER THAN MYSELF.....love love love to you all in My Lord Jesus name...amen and amen.

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