Day 52...

Blog Post created by tryinmydarndest on Feb 22, 2018

I realize just how much I need to sort through after finding this site just two days ago, and after learning more and more. I’m finding so many tools to help. I want to read Allen Carr’s book (should I get the one specifically for women?). I wonder if I’m going about this all wrong. I’m on week 8 of step 1 patch. I can’t seem to be ready for the next step. I tried for a few days and was dizzy and miserable. I couldn’t function well, including driving which I really need to be able to do to drop off and pick up my daughter from school. 

The depression is lightening up, which is good. It was exacerbated last week I know from the shooting at the high school I graduated from and when one of my classmates was killed. 

I also realize I have been codependent on my husband. Every time he leaves the house I get angry that he’s probably going to smoke. He’s also codependent on me. He’s affected by my depression, my personality change. I know I don’t feel like myself and haven’t for weeks. We aren’t supporting each other like we always do. He is so proud of me but his addiction wants me to smoke with him again, and I want him to quit with me. He said last night that if I were to start smoking again it would solve all of our (and my) problems, even though he knew it was a messed up thought that was driven by his addiction. I asked him to please stop encouraging me in any way to smoke, and he agreed, though he says he has to fight doing it all of the time. My gosh this addiction is powerful and so clever too. 

I hope this No Man’s Land goes by quickly and I can start to feel like myself again. I know I’m so wrapped up in my own world with my quitting, but maybe I need to put me first—for once!! I think it’s a shock for my husband to see me be like this when normally all day is about my kids and taking care of everyone else and then all evening listening to and supporting him as he needed.  

I’m so grateful for all of the encouragement and support from all of the people here (do people read these or is it only for me?) and wow, it has made such a difference! 

Staying strong- yay for me!