The following blog post may sound like a massive pity-party or possibly the inner workings of a psychotic mind. It's NOT a pity-party, but I cannot deny the part of me that is mentally ill nor can I deny that it rears it's ugly head at it's own will. I have some control of it - just not today. No replies are needed. Just my way of trying to get through another day.
I thought I was doing so good. I started getting my head together on many things. It's getting a little easier every day to become a non-smoker. I was relearning to deal with life without cigarettes and doing quite well. The massive ups and downs of feelings I have dealt with during this time were beginning to smooth out although I still have little desire to actually live life at all. I am NOT suicidal, I just gave up on living it a long time ago. I've been miserable for soooo long and not able to do anything about it so I gave up trying to enjoy life. It is to be endured until God calls me out or calls me home. I can't change anything, besides my quit, to have a life I'd like. I will not allow myself to be a self-serving idiot and go back to smoking simply because I can't seem to get my sh*t together. It wasn't together when I smoked so going back won't change a damn thing. At least I've learned that much! The last few days have been emotionally rough. I wanted to kill my two sons the other day for nasty remarks that left me feeling like scum. I almost threw my computer across the room at the eldest. I have caged rat syndrome as well. In the last 3 weeks I've been out of the house maybe 4 times, maybe. That definitely doesn't help I know but I've spent the last 3 1/2 years pretty much confined to my little living room so it's nothing new. My plan for now is drugging myself enough to sleep through as much of the rest of the day and evening as possible. Please don't feel like anything needs to be replied to. I'm only crazy, not suicidal and not in danger of smoking. Just a lunatic that needed to write since I can't scream and I've got no one else to talk to about it.