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Posted by Donco Jan 19, 2018

Blog...Ok, I’m thinking just blurt it out.. no filter.  

I reached out here earlier today and was amazed at the response. Thank you. However, I also read that the site may be taken down... so hope an Elder is willing to take me on:)

So, here’s my story never told but similar to some I’ve read.

In 2008 I “hit the wall” at work after 17 years running laboratories for rural hospitals, urgent care and large dr offices. I swept the floor or quality control, whatever. I was certified (lab-ASCP) while pregnant with my first, only child then as a single mom the whole time with occasional unhired help.

Worked day, evening and night shifts.

Loved the science and helping the sick.

Homeschooled child many years to spend time with her and to try to discourage the growing guilt inside for not being available for her because of having to work as well as loving my work.

The Wall was high risk osteoporosis and fibromyalgia. Was I surprised. Always a health nut but apparently not enough. I smoked off and on with other health workers but never long term or when I was pregnant. Always put them down easy.

Between 2008 and 2010 my health screamed downhill to full disability. What?!! 15 years in first career and 17 in the second. My personal life was focused on alternative medicine and only augmented by my work science. 

From 2010 my daughter begged me to go back to work to help me feel better but the most I could commit to was volunteering which was rewarding no doubt but not the “mom” she knew and couldn’t understand what or why I wasn’t me anymore. Her respect creeped downward until she hated me. She was accepted in college from homeschool earlier than her peers, after my diagnoses. We’ve not been really close since then. 

After a few years, of adjusting to the stigma of disability, drug side effects for both problems, losing my daughter due to her shame of me, I quit all the drs meds and started smoking Black and Mild cigars! Sheesh! A genetic profile said that I am wired to nicotine addiction. Most of family are smokers. 

So here I am connecting to complete strangers, sounding oh poor me and begging for anyone to help or hear me.

 Where did my willpower go to quit? I’m sick of it, the smell, the mess, cleaning it up, in my clothes and hair, etc etc etc.

 I just turned 63 in December and miss my sense of humor, outlook on life. I realize that there are many factors contributing to this but if I can just quit smoking it sure will  help me want to get back to life again. I just know it!!

Thanks for any that read this. It’s spotty- but no cigar tonight.....


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