My deepest feelings

Blog Post created by Fee33 on Oct 20, 2017

As I go to bed I think man I had hell all day with a man who is so hopeless an so lost if I wasn't in his life i really can't tell you where he would be you know we went  to see my friend tonight thats like 20 miles away from us and I had to drive back home bc he was so drunk and I told him he's not driving an he didn't argue for once with me I also feel I'm to forgiving too it's so late and Im just feel real deep into the situation about how my life is gonna be with a Alcoholic an literally his consequences or jail time not rehab he done went there an completed it an he's been 3 months sober now he's relasping after a relaspe and I'm totally enabling him why bc I drinked the first time I found out my son was getting sent to a military group and I couldn't handle none of my emotions an I said I'm drinking to forget even if it's for a second r a minute i took it really hard. He was my first born child an going Into a military group home at the age of 13 noone knows how I felt when that happened an the last words I heard was I love you Mama pray for me anyways I drinked an what my ex do drinked too bc he said he couldn't handle the situation either an since then he's been relasping over an over an I feel it's all my fault bc if I didn't take that first drink he would of never relasped but I am not a Alcoholic I drink I'm done with it him he don't know when to stop he was so drunk his breathlizer was showing stroke range an he was as calm as a cucumber acted sober seriously but breathlizer said different that didn't even scare him!!!! I'm scared he's gonna drink one day an just die!!!! It's so much going on tonight in my head..we been through so much an he's lost wo me but I do know for him to stay sober I have to stop drinking to even when I'm stressed don't drink but I'm such a cheap drunk like I can drink 2 shots an I'm messed up why bc I'm not a drinker at all! Lol I never really cared for it at all just did it an done never kept on drinking an drinking that's what he does he doesn't know when to stop bc he doesn't like to detox so he drinks small portions to keep him from detoxing an that never helps him he thinks it does til they really hit hard then he is miserable I knowwww I took care of his detoxing nights an days puking screaming raging cussing at me why bc I wouldn't let him get a bottle I wouldn't let him drive to get more alcohol I told.him you just gotta get through it an I'm not going anywhere I gave him cold rags fan blowing on him bc he's sweating beads of sweat down his face an body soaked the sheets now he weighs 250pds imagine how heavy he was for me to get him off the floor an to the toilet to puke an then in shower to shower it's miserable yall have no clue unless you delt with a Alcoholic yourself then you can understand why I'm explaining all this bc I've been there an done it an went through it with him an I'm still here hoping something will change Aalon I actually went to a meeting once when I lived out of my home town I wish they had one close by me but they don't but I'm sorry this is such a long blog but I do appreciate you stopping by to read my blog I'm going through so much an I feel it's all my fault at times. Well have a goodnight y'all