Despite the loneliness I feel without my husband beside me, despite the great sadness the sorrow I have watching my son suffering both physically and emotionally with his brain cancer, I remain committed to living a healthy lifestyle. I could not mentally or physically do what I need to do now if I had not followed through on my commitment. I used to have physical pain before I started on my health journey and now I am free of pain. I used to spend my time smoking or worried about when I could sneak in that next cigarette. Now I can spend my time with others and be both physically and mentally where I need to be and that is with them not off smoking or thinking about that smoke.
I am on a self discovery journey now. What a deep down heart and mind journey. That journey hits every emotion possible and it is beautiful journey despite all the tears and sadness that happens along the way. I did find another way of deal with my sadness. I don't know how to draw or paint but I got this nagging thoughts to just paint things that happen in the bible with colors and patterns no picture required and that is what I have been doing and what a peaceful feeling it brings me. These pictures mean absolutely nothing to no but me - oh and I guess God knows too but it works for me. I even put them in frames and have them displayed around my house.
Widow - I don't like this word. It doesn't seem to embrace the beautiful years we had together, the deep sorrow that is felt when he died nor the beauty of him being in the presence of the Lord now. I don't know why I wrote that here but felt like writing it so I did.
Matthew is doing ok on his new chemo treatment not as sick as he was with his other chemo treatment. He is having a lot of short term memory loss. The doctor thinks it might be from the results of the radiation he had several months ago rather then from the tumor itself. He may have to add in another treatment that will stop the blood flow to the tumor if it ends up being from the tumor. The doctor increase his steroid to see if that helps if not then he will add in the other.
I hope soon to be able to check in more often but sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed with it all and just need quiet time. May everyone find the joy in their quit journey!