Why is it so hard?
I remember when I quit, that thought would pop into my head on occasion. I knew I wanted to quit when I put out my last cigarette, and I truly believed that I didn’t want to smoke again. In fact, I even smiled when I put out that last cigarette.
The mind didn’t really begin its temper tantrum until the next morning. But as I poured my coffee, the voices started. For me, it was easy enough to ignore them at first but eventually they became loud enough that they were starting to bug me!
And so I listened. At first, the best description that I can come up with is that they were dissociated thoughts. That they were meaningless. But why was it every time I was idle that this endless whisper was going on in my head. I mean, the little impulses and signals that the brain was sending me, I could understand. But what’s up with these voices?
A gave them a listen and realized that it was my mind trying to sort out a new world. A place that I’d never been before. And with that action came confusion. I realized that these seemingly random thoughts weren’t random at all! There was an actual purpose to the background noise.
I considered my brain to be like a blank slate, because I hadn’t lived smoke free for most of my life. And since I was experiencing a world that wasn’t built on addiction, things were just different. I saw the voice as a screaming child. A child that doesn’t understand why things had to change. A child that was trying to sort through the fact that I’d been lying to it all of this time and that I cannot lie to myself anymore. This child eventually became known to me as the addict within.
And so I found at least a little understanding. Just like a child, I’d have to teach my mind a new reality. And just like a child, it is rebellious and doesn’t want to change. But the child does learn, even as it rebels. The child does change, and the thing is that change is deep within us.
So the next time those crazy voices start up, just remember that it’s normal for the mind to want to understand change. It’s normal for our addiction to fight with us at every turn. It’s really the same struggles that we’ve all gone through.
Remember that in this place, we understand the screaming child. We understand that the fight is for freedom from ourselves. We understand the desire to be free and so many of us know how it feels to be free!
I look forward to seeing each and every one of you find that freedom. After all, it’s what we’re here for . . .
ONWARD TO FREEDOM!!!
Chuck
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