I’m staying up all night tonight in order to get work done. I see no other option. I will not smoke. I’ll sleep tomorrow after work. No matter what happens at work, it’s not an excuse to smoke. I seem to have learned that lesson. I want to break free of this cycle of relapse.
I wish I could concentrate better. I can’t. I wish I could do stuff besides working all the time. I can’t. I watched that Michael Moore film Friday and I want to emigrate from America. I want to emigrate so I don’t have to pay federal taxes. I am back to my natural state of wanting nothing to do with society, total rejection of our culture. I run usually, dreaming of the day I will leave America and never come back. Instead, I am getting more involved in local government. I would love nothing more than to leave my hometown and never return but I would feel guilty leaving my family behind. I also know that no matter where I go, people are people. I can’t escape hatred for blacks. I can’t escape greed. I can’t escape human nature or my disdain for people in general. I’m just not a people person. Never will be. I do want physical safety and economic security and a feeling of choice in my life. I will never feel safe where I’m from. I won’t have a choice in how I live until I pay my debts. Right now I feel like I’m forced to work for our corporate overlords and will reap no benefits for my labor. I think what I want is a community that will love and accept me and understand me. It is possible to find that community. It involves finding a community I can love, understand, and respect. I have no idea how to get there other than skipping out on $70000 in debt. I won’t do that. It’s stealing. There is no way for me to feel any kind of brotherhood or acceptance where I live. It’s a problem with no answer. I must live here for the foreseeable future. I hate it here. I must find a way not to be miserable and angry, hating and looking down on everybody. I assume there is a way, but I can’t think of any. I simply try to keep an open mind and focus on the things I like about my life and remind myself of the possibilities as long as I control what I can control: don’t waste money on smoking or nicotine products, go to work and do my job, meet all the requirements to get full licensure, pay my debts, take my antidepressant medication, use my light therapy, watch TV and make music during my down time, come to becomeanex and reach out to others when things get rough, live life one day at a time. Separate things I want from things I absolutely need to survive. Be grateful for having everything I absolutely need to survive.
I know this stuff has nothing to do with smoking but I need to get it out. I gotta focus on what the real issues are, not the cigs. These feelings of anger, indignation, powerlessness, fear, stress, and hopelessness are driving me to distraction, keeping me from being productive, setting up a vicious cycle where I get behind on work and want to smoke because I feel overwhelmed.
There is a solution to how I feel: work as much as I can, make as much money as I can, pay these debts off as fast as I can, move to a community where I’m around likeminded individuals. I’ve got to keep moving forward and not get discouraged.
