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stAn3 Blog

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stAn3

10/28/2018

Posted by stAn3 Oct 28, 2018

The last 24 hours have been weird. I was in triggering situations and, of course, I wanted to smoke at some point today. I’m around people smoking all day when I’m at work. It doesn’t really phase me, but last night I was out with friends who pulled out cigarettes and smoked. I forgot my charger so my phone died, couldn’t reach out for support. They also drank. I’m in recovery so I don’t like being around people drinking. This morning I helped a family friend move. She’s a smoker and everything smelled like smoke. I still didn’t have my phone. Instead of reaching out to people, I prayed. I reaffirmed my decision not to smoke, no matter what. The craving passed. It helped that I was with my dad. He’s a former smoker. I figured I could talk to him about it if necessary. I didn’t have to. After I prayed it went away. Last night taught me that it is my decision to stay smoke-free, and it is my decision to not drink when cigarettes or alcohol are around. I simply have to remind myself of my commitment to recovery and use the recovery tools at my disposal. Sometimes your phone dies unexpectedly and you can’t call someone. You gotta take your recovery with you everywhere. I’m going to try to make sure I keep my phone charged. I don’t want a repeat of the last 24 hours. I figure it’s better to reach out for support than try to do recovery alone. Nevertheless it feels good to know I can survive a triggering situation without instant access to the members of my support group. I didn’t use the phone dying last night as an excuse to smoke or relapse on alcohol. No matter what means no matter what. I’m grateful for my recovery and the fact that I’m embracing the philosophy of N.O.P.E. Not One Puff Ever.

stAn3

10/20/2018

Posted by stAn3 Oct 20, 2018

I can’t remember the last time I felt the need to check in with you guys to keep from smoking. I still try to get on the site everyday. I don’t want to get too far away from this site. I’ve always slipped up during the maintenance phase of recovery, after I’ve broken the habit. I don’t crave cigarettes. I think at the end of the day, “Wow! I haven’t thought about smoking today. When was the last time I thought about smoking?” I’m grateful to be home, as the guy from whyquit.com would say. I appreciate my becomeanex family. I’m glad to see other people staying smoke free as well.

stAn3

10/12/2018

Posted by stAn3 Oct 12, 2018

I am stressed about work. I got an ungodly amount of work to do. I used to smoke to escape the stress. I thought about smoking briefly then I remembered that I have options when I get anxious. I took a deep breath, then started working. This is a rare occurrence and I’ll get through it. I’m grateful to be smoke free and nicotIne free. I’m grateful to be still coming to this site.

stAn3

10/08/2018

Posted by stAn3 Oct 8, 2018

I’m still smoke-free. It’s been a couple of days since I visited the site. I don’t want to stay away too long. I had a thought of smoking today. It wasn’t strong enough to call a craving. I got a little over two weeks nicotine-free so I am not out of the danger zone yet. I know I am still prone to relapse. I’m grateful not to be struggling like I was. I got over the hump!  

stAn3

10/4/2018

Posted by stAn3 Oct 4, 2018

I am still smoke free. I’m still struggling with cravings but not as much. I noticed a pattern: it’s worst in the mornings. I think if I drink my coffee in the morning, it will help a lot. I also need to keep going to the gym. I still have some cold symptoms but they are minimal.

 

I’m glad to be smoke free. I look forward to things getting better as time goes on.

stAn3

Pray for me

Posted by stAn3 Oct 3, 2018

I am still struggling. I don’t like feeling fuzzy headed. I have been wanting to smoke to improve concentration. I refuse to do it. I know I don’t need nicotine. I remember a time when I functioned without nicotine and did not even think of smoking. Furthermore I don’t want to smoke. I don’t want to smother myself to improve concentration. It won’t improve concentration. After smoking the first one, I’ll be distracted by the urge to smoke the next one. I will also be angry because I’m wasting money on smokes. I will also feel guilty for letting everyone down. Most of all though. I don’t want to put those poisonous chemicals in my body. It does more than making it harder for me to breathe. It makes me tired. I need to sleep more. It makes me anxious. I makes me numb (the beginnings of neuropathy). It causes pain. I get paranoid thinking I have blood clots or am having a heart attack or stroke. I hate the way cigarette smoke smells. I hate cigarette butts. I hate the way my hands and clothes smell when I smoke. My teeth and gums are damaged by smoking.

 

I’m grateful to be here at this site. I keep putting off smoking. I keep reaching out. I know the feeling I’m feeling right now will go away.

 

i will return to work, finish paperwork, then journal. I think i will have another smoke free day because I’m working my recovery.

stAn3

10/1/2018

Posted by stAn3 Oct 1, 2018

I had strong cravings today. I shared about it at my 12 Step meeting. I’m sharing here too. I don’t want to drift away from the site.

 

I’m i came to the site tonight too. I needed to read the posts about depression. I’m scared I’ll never get my brain back again. I feel fuzzy headed because of my depression. I remember there was s time I didn’t crave nicotine when I was depressed. Depression is just an excuse to relapse. I am scared though. I never can remember what it’s like until I’m depressed. I remember the general pattern is that it gets worse over the course of winter. I guess I’m afraid I am in for some pain I can’t avoid. The reality is that I have a choice. I can exercise and use my mood light. There’s tools to deal with depression. I just don’t want to experience it.

stAn3

9/30/2018

Posted by stAn3 Oct 1, 2018

I made a week with no nicotine. Now going into week two. I don’t get many cravings. I sometimes feel the subtle pull toward smoking but it is easily dismissed. I don’t entertain the thought. I made it to 10/01 without smoking. My depression symptoms did not become an excuse to smoke. I felt funny but not nearly as bad as I remember feeling a couple of years ago at this time.

stAn3

I made it through

Posted by stAn3 Sep 27, 2018

I fell asleep last night (passed out exhausted) so I didn’t get to post. I made it through my first stressful event not smoking and not usIng nicotine. I chose not to go back to nicotine replacement. I want to end the cycle of relapse.

 

I am processing the feelings I posted. It’s heavy stuff. Something must be changing in me. Because I am participating in my community in a positive way. By doing that, I am changing how I view my community. Before my hate was so strong, I couldn’t do it. It’s normal to respond to injustice with hate. It is also self destructive. My goal is to be of maximum service so I must overcome my righteous anger and find compassion for people who hurt others. We are all human and subject to make mistakes.

stAn3

Another all nighter

Posted by stAn3 Sep 25, 2018

I’m staying up all night tonight in order to get work done. I see no other option. I will not smoke. I’ll sleep tomorrow after work. No matter what happens at work, it’s not an excuse to smoke. I seem to have learned that lesson. I want to break free of this cycle of relapse.

 

I wish I could concentrate better. I can’t. I wish I could do stuff besides working all the time. I can’t. I watched that Michael Moore film Friday and I want to emigrate from America. I want to emigrate so I don’t have to pay federal taxes. I am back to my natural state of wanting nothing to do with society, total rejection of our culture. I run usually, dreaming of the day I will leave America and never come back. Instead, I am getting more involved in local government. I would love nothing more than to leave my hometown and never return but I would feel guilty leaving my family behind. I also know that no matter where I go, people are people. I can’t escape hatred for blacks. I can’t escape greed. I can’t escape human nature or my disdain for people in general. I’m just not a people person. Never will be. I do want physical safety and economic security and a feeling of choice in my life. I will never feel safe where I’m from. I won’t have a choice in how I live until I pay my debts. Right now I feel like I’m forced to work for our corporate overlords and will reap no benefits for my labor. I think what I want is a community that will love and accept me and understand me. It is possible to find that community. It involves finding a community I can love, understand, and respect. I have no idea how to get there other than skipping out on $70000 in debt. I won’t do that. It’s stealing. There is no way for me to feel any kind of brotherhood or acceptance where I live. It’s a problem with no answer. I must live here for the foreseeable future. I hate it here. I must find a way not to be miserable and angry, hating and looking down on everybody. I assume there is a way, but I can’t think of any. I simply try to keep an open mind and focus on the things I like about my life and remind myself of the possibilities as long as I control what I can control: don’t waste money on smoking or nicotine products, go to work and do my job, meet all the requirements to get full licensure, pay my debts, take my antidepressant medication, use my light therapy, watch TV and make music during my down time, come to becomeanex and reach out to others when things get rough, live life one day at a time. Separate things I want from things I absolutely need to survive. Be grateful for having everything I absolutely need to survive.

 

I know this stuff has nothing to do with smoking but I need to get it out. I gotta focus on what the real issues are, not the cigs. These feelings of anger, indignation, powerlessness, fear, stress, and hopelessness are driving me to distraction, keeping me from being productive, setting up a vicious cycle where I get behind on work and want to smoke because I feel overwhelmed.

 

There is a solution to how I feel: work as much as I can, make as much money as I can, pay these debts off as fast as I can, move to a community where I’m around likeminded individuals. I’ve got to keep moving forward and not get discouraged.

stAn3

9/25/2018

Posted by stAn3 Sep 25, 2018

I used my last patch Sunday. Yesterday was my first day nicotine free. It was non eventful. Today I have cravings to smoke. I feel stressed at work and overwhelmed. I don’t have the energy to do what I need to do. I’m thinking about buying some patches. I’d rather do that than smoke. Smoking will not help. Smoking reduces my performance at work. Smoking puts me in a financial bind. Smoking will kill me. I am making a commitment not to smoke today. To keep reaching out. I’m tired of the cycle of relapse.

stAn3

9/18/2018

Posted by stAn3 Sep 18, 2018

I feel really good. I’m not just in a good mood. I feel positive about my life. I’m almost done with nicotine replacement. My body is no longer as dependent on the nicotine patches. I signed up for Netflix yesterday because I am saving way more money than a Netflix subscription costs by not buying nicotine products anymore. I look forward to the money continuing to add up as I take away the needless expenses related to smoking. Overall I just accept my life the way it is. It’s a good life. The depression hasn’t hit me like I thought it would. I am still vigilant. I won’t smoke over it. I can tell you that much. I saw my therapist a couple of days ago and he only wants to see me once every three months. I’ve been seeing him once a month for years. It’s more validation that I’m developing into a sane, capable human being. I’m equal to anyone, even though I have several mental health diagnoses. Recovery is possible with work and perseverance!

stAn3

Triggering Situation

Posted by stAn3 Sep 13, 2018

I am at work. It’s 10pm. I don’t know how long I’ll be here. I have to be back at 8:30 tomorrow morning. Needless to say my sleep routine is going to be disrupted tonight. I avoid this because it’s a trigger, thinking I have to stay up all night to make it work the next day. I am doing what I hate, documentation. Writing makes me extremely nervous. It’s the most triggering activity I can think of. I will not smoke. I came here to tell on my disease. I’m playing it safe. In the past, I’d think, “I can handle it”. Today I am practicing what worked from Day 1: coming to the site everyday and checking in if I feel like I am tempted to smoke.

stAn3

9/10/2018

Posted by stAn3 Sep 10, 2018

I had one craving today. It’s been a strange day, first day of not hot whether. I can’t get out of bed when I’m cold. I got to work just in time to do group and I’m still unorganized right now. It’s going to be a 14 hour day. I’m okay with that because I gave myself brakes and the amount of work is the same whether I do it now or put it off until tomorrow. What I’m saying is, the stress triggers are ongoing but I’m learning to deal with the demands of my life better. It’s less of a struggle. It definitely doesn’t require smoking to get through. I bought my last box of nicotine patches yesterday, and I look forward to never spending money on cigs again unless I’m buying them for my brother. Which is rare. Anyway, forward I go on my journey but in order to keep moving forward, I have to look back at what has helped me so far and continue doing it. That’s why I’m telling you guys about the craving I had earlier today. One thing I was surprised about because I step down to a lower dose is that withdrawal effects were minimal.

stAn3

9/8/2018

Posted by stAn3 Sep 8, 2018

I had a couple of cravings today. One was because I was sad. The other because I was dehydrated. Dry mouth is a big trigger, always has been. I made my daily commitment not to smoke and I am keeping my daily commitment to visit this site. Tomorrow is an important day. I step down on my patches. I expect to feel some cravings. I know how to deal with them.