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stAn3 Blog

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stAn3

Day 25

Posted by stAn3 Aug 17, 2017

I didn't really want to smoke yesterday, even when I saw someone smoking. I just didn't think about it very much. Today I've had smoking thought. I didn't put on my patch or take my psych meds until almost noon and felt funky. I can't say that these were cravings, just thoughts. But these thoughts have taken be back to smoking when I left them unaddressed. So I am posting here and I took the daily pledge. I'm not going to smoke today. Hopefully I don't think about smoking anymore today. It's nice not being triggered all the time, and it's nice not having to put so much conscious effort into not smoking. I'm experiencing freedom from the addiction. 

One of the lies that kept me going back to smoking was the belief that smoking wasn't hurting me. Now that I have stopped, I think about things more clearly. I found out a couple weeks ago that my grandfather and namesake died from lung cancer. His son, my uncle, also died from lung cancer. My dad has COPD and had a lung cancer scare. My mom's mom died from colon cancer. I watched her bedridden deteriorating for months wearing a colostomy bag. All of these people were smokers. 

 

I had and still might have some ugly things in my future. Just for today, I don't have to keep doing the thing that will contribute to an early and ugly death. I can stop the damage.

 

Death is the ultimate end of nicotine addiction. Not a quick painless one but a slow, scary, depressing one. 

 

Ctazy how smoking blocks our awareness of these facts. 

stAn3

I got 3 weeks

Posted by stAn3 Aug 14, 2017

it don't seem ossicle but I got 21 days free. I forgot to put on my patch this morning. I'm not going to rush to the store to buy more. I'm not going to smoke no matter what. I'll put a patch on when I get home from work. I guess the daily commitment is working. I'm not basing my decision not to  smoke on whether or not I have a replacement for nicotine. My commitment is unconditional.

stAn3

Day 20

Posted by stAn3 Aug 12, 2017

So far so good today. I don't have an urge to smoke. Unlike previous quits, I don't view this as time to stop working. This is my new routine--daily commitment not to smoke, check in here, and try my best to live a healthy life. 

 

For this gift (not rushing to get it over with and move on) I am grateful. I'm finally facing my addiction and the promised relief is coming. I'm not home yet but I'm on my way  each day's progress motivates me to continue. 

stAn3

Day 17

Posted by stAn3 Aug 9, 2017

I woke up today, and everything feels wrong. I'm irritated, slow, and cloudy. Been up since 6:00am, still not fully awake even though I am wearing my patch and drank coffee. The good news is that I haven't wanted to smoke because of it. I just want to be left alone. The bad news is that my boss is back and announcing every time that she goes out to smoke. This triggers me because I am not used to it. Honestly her presence alone sets me off. I get stressed out when she is around. I am not going to smoke, no matter what.

 

I need to to get back to walking and eating healthier. I stopped doing those things when I had the surgery a week ago. I feel so much better when I do those things. 

stAn3

Day 11

Posted by stAn3 Aug 3, 2017

I set myself up for failure today not not planning. I ate too much food and felt bloated, which is a big trigger. I rushed all day trying to get ready for work, barely made It. The stress put me in a bad mood, which is a trigger. 

 

I did did some good things though. I took the daily pledge. I felt the craves and outlasted them. My nicotine patch fell off but I didn't freak out. I knew that I would be okay, patch or no patch. I am planning for tomorrow and the next day so that I am not stressed and triggered all day.

 

This is usually the time when I veer off course, stop trying to stay smoke-free because I am getting used to not smoking and don't want to work at it everyday. I felt those feelings some today. However, I also felt gratitude for the journey that I'm on. I see myself getting better each day. I feel good about myself when I successfully face each challenge. I've been spinning my wheels for so long, it feels good not to be doing it anymore. 

 

I guess what I became aware of is that it is a journey, not something I can breeze through and then move on to something else. The journey is rewarding. There is no need to rush to some imagined destination. 

stAn3

Day 10

Posted by stAn3 Aug 2, 2017

I made it through surgery yesterday. Because of the anesthesia, I couldn't drive for 24 hours. I ended up laying in bed watching TV. I had some smoking thoughts. I didn't buy into them. It was scary though because that is the situation I was in when I relapsed the last time (Laying in bed doing nothing all day). It is a situation I have to deal with though because I can't be busy all the time. I learned from reading Freedom from Nicotine that cravings or using thoughts won't  hurt me. They pass. And each time I don't smoke I weaken the psychological cues that tie me to smoking.

 

I'm doing okay right now. I don't want to smoke. I'm at a follow-up appointment. I hope the doctor says everything is okay.

stAn3

Day 8

Posted by stAn3 Jul 31, 2017

I forgot to put on my patch this morning. I freaked out at first and thought about smoke by. Then I reminded myself that I made a commitment to myself not to smoke today and to do whatever it takes not to smoke. I can go buy some patches and put one on instead of smoking.

 

I am having surgery tomorrow and I am nervous about not being able to defe for two days and having to change my routine to make sure my eye heals. 

 

Feels good not to smoke. 

stAn3

Day 7

Posted by stAn3 Jul 30, 2017

I stayed home laying in bed most of the day. It made it harder. I felt the disease pulling me down a few times. I made myself get up and do a few chores, read something, and go outside to walk. I called my sponsor when I had an urge. I'm okay right now, almost time for bed. Glad that I am still willing to listen to my better instincts and take my daily. Pledge, read the blogs, and take action to survive craves without smoking. 

 

I realized something today. The boredom I feel sometimes is my choice. I want stimulation without making an effort. Addiction does that to me. The price of instant gratification is death. Making effort, I get stimulation along with satisfaction without the guilt. 

stAn3

Day 5

Posted by stAn3 Jul 28, 2017

Feeling some tieredness, depressed mood, and anxiety the last 24 hours. I am consciously choosing to feel these feelings because I know that they won't trigger me to smoke as long as I feel them and don't smoke in response to them. 

 

I also used used some tools to overcome a trigger at work. I noticed that I felt left out when my coworkers went outside together to smoke. I imagined what it would feel like if I whet outside and smoked with them. I realized that I did not connect with my coworkers when we were outside smoking together. I was focused on smoking, not socializing. I would feel more connected to my coworkers if I went outside and did not smoke, because I would actually be present. Cravings tend to go away when I face them and get in touch with the reality of smoking. I can do anything I did while smoking just as good or better if I am not smoking. 

stAn3

Day 4

Posted by stAn3 Jul 27, 2017

I did the work to not smoke yesterday. Something clicked in my mind last night. Smoking is using (as in using drugs). So is taking the lozenges. The constant up and down of nicotine levels, having to ingest nicotine several times a day in response to cravings--that is the cycle I have been trying to escape. I actually feel clean today. I'm not constantly worrying about going into withdrawal. I'm focusIng on the psychological triggers and the lies my brain tells me trying to get me to smoke again.

stAn3

Day 3

Posted by stAn3 Jul 26, 2017

The patches have broken the cycle I've been in. There is another option besides lozenges, smoking,  and the discomfort of withdrawal. I'm not having physical cravings. The psychological cravings are not bad at all, easy for me to dismiss. I am aware of them and consciously choose not to smoke so that I can break the associations.

 

I am feeling nervous right now because I have to head home right after work. I'm scared to go home. When I'm at home for extended periods of time, I tend to go on autopilot and act on my addictions.

 

I am trying not to blow my fear out of proportion. That's just my disease trying to get me to give up and smoke. There was a time in my life when I could be home alone for extended periods of time without smoking. There is no logical reason why I can't do it again tonight. Yet I feel that I need a plan for what I am going to do tonight. I will work on that before I leave work today.

 

Man emotions can drive you crazy! But I recognize that the feelings I don't deal with deal with me. I end up smoking or doing other destructive things to block out uncomfortable emotions. I'd rather name them, claim them, and then choose how to react to them. This is a process I'm familiar with but have not been rigorously practicing for a long time.

 

I'm going to call my sponsor this afternoon too and let him know how I'm feeling. 

stAn3

Patches

Posted by stAn3 Jul 25, 2017

I followed through and got the patches. I'm nervous because it's something new, which translates into thoughts of smoking. No real cravings though. I'm not letting the addictive thoughts get to me. I'm praying for courage and following through on my commitment to go God's will, which does not include smoking.

stAn3

Slip

Posted by stAn3 Jul 23, 2017

I didn't take my nicotine lozenges this weekend. I didn't make my daily commitment not to smoke either. I just tried to outlast the withdrawal cravings using willpower. I ended up smoking.

 

I am not smoking now. 

 

I am committed to using the nicotine replacement. It is better than smoking. Something in me makes me feel like a failure if I am not nicotine-free, but the reality is I am not willing to pay the price to be nicotine-free: experiencing nicotine withdrawal. I accept that for now I am on nicotine replacement. I'll deal with getting off nicotine replacement later. This time I rushed it, wasn't ready. 

stAn3

Week 3 Day 3

Posted by stAn3 Jul 21, 2017

Still struggling this morning. I guess it's because I tapered. I'm not going to smoke. And I'm not going to use extra lozenges. I'm going to make it through today and hope tomorrow is better.

 

The feelings I'm struggling with are emptiness and boredom, slight depression. I'm the type of person, the less I do, the less I want to do. I just lay in bed and try to sleep through boredom. I started walking again recently and plan to keep doing it. I need to stay active.