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stAn3 Blog

154 posts
stAn3

9/25/2018

Posted by stAn3 Sep 25, 2018

I used my last patch Sunday. Yesterday was my first day nicotine free. It was non eventful. Today I have cravings to smoke. I feel stressed at work and overwhelmed. I don’t have the energy to do what I need to do. I’m thinking about buying some patches. I’d rather do that than smoke. Smoking will not help. Smoking reduces my performance at work. Smoking puts me in a financial bind. Smoking will kill me. I am making a commitment not to smoke today. To keep reaching out. I’m tired of the cycle of relapse.

stAn3

9/18/2018

Posted by stAn3 Sep 18, 2018

I feel really good. I’m not just in a good mood. I feel positive about my life. I’m almost done with nicotine replacement. My body is no longer as dependent on the nicotine patches. I signed up for Netflix yesterday because I am saving way more money than a Netflix subscription costs by not buying nicotine products anymore. I look forward to the money continuing to add up as I take away the needless expenses related to smoking. Overall I just accept my life the way it is. It’s a good life. The depression hasn’t hit me like I thought it would. I am still vigilant. I won’t smoke over it. I can tell you that much. I saw my therapist a couple of days ago and he only wants to see me once every three months. I’ve been seeing him once a month for years. It’s more validation that I’m developing into a sane, capable human being. I’m equal to anyone, even though I have several mental health diagnoses. Recovery is possible with work and perseverance!

stAn3

Triggering Situation

Posted by stAn3 Sep 13, 2018

I am at work. It’s 10pm. I don’t know how long I’ll be here. I have to be back at 8:30 tomorrow morning. Needless to say my sleep routine is going to be disrupted tonight. I avoid this because it’s a trigger, thinking I have to stay up all night to make it work the next day. I am doing what I hate, documentation. Writing makes me extremely nervous. It’s the most triggering activity I can think of. I will not smoke. I came here to tell on my disease. I’m playing it safe. In the past, I’d think, “I can handle it”. Today I am practicing what worked from Day 1: coming to the site everyday and checking in if I feel like I am tempted to smoke.

stAn3

9/10/2018

Posted by stAn3 Sep 10, 2018

I had one craving today. It’s been a strange day, first day of not hot whether. I can’t get out of bed when I’m cold. I got to work just in time to do group and I’m still unorganized right now. It’s going to be a 14 hour day. I’m okay with that because I gave myself brakes and the amount of work is the same whether I do it now or put it off until tomorrow. What I’m saying is, the stress triggers are ongoing but I’m learning to deal with the demands of my life better. It’s less of a struggle. It definitely doesn’t require smoking to get through. I bought my last box of nicotine patches yesterday, and I look forward to never spending money on cigs again unless I’m buying them for my brother. Which is rare. Anyway, forward I go on my journey but in order to keep moving forward, I have to look back at what has helped me so far and continue doing it. That’s why I’m telling you guys about the craving I had earlier today. One thing I was surprised about because I step down to a lower dose is that withdrawal effects were minimal.

stAn3

9/8/2018

Posted by stAn3 Sep 8, 2018

I had a couple of cravings today. One was because I was sad. The other because I was dehydrated. Dry mouth is a big trigger, always has been. I made my daily commitment not to smoke and I am keeping my daily commitment to visit this site. Tomorrow is an important day. I step down on my patches. I expect to feel some cravings. I know how to deal with them.

stAn3

9/5/2018

Posted by stAn3 Sep 5, 2018

Not smoking is no longer new. I’m used to it. Now my mind is focused on other things. Life shows up whether I’m smoking or not. I thought, “I’ll be good as long I quit smoking.” I have made great improvements in my life because I quit smoking, but I not any happier. My mind gnaws at me about other things I am doing wrong. The thought occurred to me today, “There is no destination, only the journey.” Which made me think, “Happiness (or nirvana) is where you stand.” Meaning happiness is available to me at any time, but it does not last. Today I catch myself pushing myself too hard. I label my inability to relax or be satisfied perfectionism. I accept not being perfect and don’t try as hard. It is uncomfortable for me. I want to strive all the time for something. Everything has to get better. I need constant improvement.

 

The reason I posting this is because last night and this morning I felt like a failure. I felt disappointed in myself, like I hit a wall, because I promised myself I would do something positive for myself and I didn’t do it. I did some positive stuff but not everything. I chose to do something unhealthy instead.

 

I believe it’s appropriate to feel guilty about doing something unhealthy, but being so disappointed in myself, being miserable because I fell short of my goals is unhealthy. I’ll get no enjoyment out of my recovery if I don’t give myself a break when I fall short.

 

I gave myself a break later on today. I’m not pushing myself so hard. That’s improvement. Last night when I felt so bad, I thought about giving up and returning to smoking. Today I don’t recall thinking of smoking at all.

 

I have depression. It starts to slowly set in beginning in September so that may be why I don’t feel good even though I’m doing way better than I have in the past. I’m going to have to keep working to return to happiness. I know it is possible because I find happiness several times throughout the day. I just have to step out of my own way, relax, stop trying so hard.

stAn3

8/30/2018

Posted by stAn3 Aug 30, 2018

im not smoking. Work has slowed down. I am struggling to concentrate or be motivated for work because of lack of sleep. My routine has been thrown off. Smoking is not the solution. It wasn’t really even an option. I went and bought some coffee. I posted here. I will get my work done and go home. Finally get to go home before 10pm.

stAn3

Struggling

Posted by stAn3 Aug 29, 2018

The urge to smoke is on me. I want to escape. The thing I hate most about work is documentation. I’ve done better about doing the documentation immediately, but I’ve let things build up. I have been working almost all my waking hours the past two days, don’t know how to get everything done. It’s stressful. Physically I am not tired but I feel constrained by all these demands and I’m not able to do everything I want to do. I feel like my job consumes my whole life. It’s my calling. I love it but I don’t want to just work all the time.

 

I think I’m going through a life transition. I worked so hard in my twenties to get an education and escape poverty. Now I have a career and economic security but I am tired of putting work ahead of everything else. I want meaningful relationships with my blood relatives and to find a partner to start my own family, feel like time is slipping by. I feel guilty only doing work stuff all the time. The problems I have today are completely manageable but I think I need a break to just get out of my office and not be worried about work stuff.

 

You need to eat your Wheaties to do my job. That vacation was just what I needed to get rejuvenated. I want to maintain my energy level, not get burnt out.

 

One more thing: I’ve talked to my ex more in the last two days than I have since we ended communication. I miss her. Seeing her and talking to her makes me want to go back to the relationship. I will not. It’s not healthy. I love her though and her children. Since we work together it’s hard to grieve and move on. As soon as I see her and interact with her all the old feelings come back.

stAn3

8/28/2018

Posted by stAn3 Aug 28, 2018

I had a couple times when I wanted to smoke today. I was around someone smoking in front of me. That seems to be the trigger. I had some old thinking today, use rationalizations. I just tried not to latch on to those thoughts. They aren’t true. Fighting them just makes them bigger. It’s scary to still have those thoughts, those beliefs, still inside me. It reminds me of when I was trying to put off quitting. I bought into those thoughts, even though I felt that they weren’t true. Having those thoughts reminded me that I could relapse. I had the good sense today to distract myself, make my daily commitment not to smoke, then wait for my focus to shift elsewhere.

stAn3

8/24/2018

Posted by stAn3 Aug 24, 2018

I am reaffirming my commitment not to smoke today no matter what. I had a couple hours f urges to smoke earlier. I think my caffeine addiction is a trigger. I feel depressed when I don’t drInk caffeine and think of smoking. No matter what I think of feel, I’m not smoking today.

 

I feel refreshed today after coming to this site. I also saw my dad today. I feel good about that. I’m going to call him tomorrow and probably go by his house. My brothers birthday is this weekend. I won’t see him because he’s going out of town but I will call him and wish him a happy birthday. I’m not as down on myself today. I know it’s because of participating in this site and goIng to my 12 step meetings. It gets me out of my head and gives me the energy to go about my daily business.

stAn3

8/24/2018

Posted by stAn3 Aug 23, 2018

I felt like smoking earlier today. I am slightly depressed. I am not treating myself well in other aspects of life. My diet is horrible, and I am spending most of my time laying around watching TV. I am grateful it is just a thought and not a strong craving. I am not going to smoke. I will contInue to be proactive about protecting my quit. My vacation is almost over and I am glad. I don’t feel rushed to go back to work. At the same time, I know this week off is just the right amount of time to rest up and go back to work energized.

stAn3

8/22/2018

Posted by stAn3 Aug 22, 2018

I feel slightly sad. I also feel guilty. I am halfway through my vacation. I have spent most of the time at home in my room. I wanted to use my vacation time to spend some time with family, but really all I want to do is nothing. I haven't contacted my family. I have pushed everything aside that does not need to be done right now. In regards to my nicotine recovery, I realize that boredom is a trigger. I used to smoke just to have something to do. I have plans for the next several days but none for today. I'm just going to do a thing or two around the house, probably go to a 12-Step recovery meeting tonight. I'm getting kind of bored with nicotine recovery, but I'm too scared not to keep up my daily routine. I don't have strong cravings at the moment, but I still think about smoking frequently. There is a subtle pull toward smoking sometimes. I'm grateful that the strong cravings are gone, but I know they will return.

 

I am grateful to be bored. Until I took my vacation, I did not realize how overwhelmed I was with life. I need this time to rest so that I can go back to my normal routine. Although I feel guilty for not spending time with my family, I am proud of myself for setting boundaries around work. I am not doing anything work-related while on vacation. I am not worried about clients. I am not worried about management problems. I am living the other aspects of my life.

stAn3

8/18/2018

Posted by stAn3 Aug 18, 2018

Still smoke free, not much to report. Grateful to still be coming to the sight. The challenge from here on out is taking daily action to protect my quit. I still think about smoking everyday but I don’t crave it, just for today. It’s a blessing.

 

I can’t. We can.

stAn3

8/16/2018

Posted by stAn3 Aug 16, 2018

The old feeling has returned of being down and not wanting to be at work. It had me craving a cigarette earlier. I just read through all the recent posts and I feel better now. All that’s left to do is go through my day. One thing that’s bothering me is I’m frustrated by the lack of communication at my job. It’s making extremely difficult for me to do my job. I am taking on additional work on top of doing my job. I don’t have the energy to keep doing all this. Yesterday I just went home instead of driving myself crazy trying to find clients. I’m angry that my coworkers aren’t doing their jobs, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I hope it gets better. If it doesn’t I’m finding a different job.

stAn3

8/15/2018

Posted by stAn3 Aug 15, 2018

I am stable. I am not battling my addiction. I am not feeling overwhelmed by life either. I feel good today. This paycheck is the first one where I have not spent money on cigarettes. I am trying to figure out where all this extra money is coming from. It’s hard to believe. I’m going to put that money in the bank.