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stAn3 Blog

117 posts
stAn3

Still alive and kickin

Posted by stAn3 Jan 17, 2018

I am still smoke free. I have been reaching out to people locally for support. I have been feeling blah the last couple of days but I’ve seemed to come out of it. I started to feel good this afternoon and peaceful. I’m glad I didn’t smoke to get rid of the blahs. I’m starting to develop a two-way supportive relationship with a girl at work. That helps.

stAn3

Update

Posted by stAn3 Jan 7, 2018

I am on day 3 smoke free. I haven’t thought of smoking. However, I know I will be confronted with people smoking and stress tomorrow when I return to work. I have 4 people in my local support group, 2 are at work. I have been hesitant to reach out to sponsor because I’ve relapsed so many times I’m the past, feel lile I’ve lost credibility. He has not said so, but it is in my head. I need to check in more with my sponsor about smoking. Realistically, I am not going to be able to use this website as my main means of support so I am purposely not getting into the habit of blogging everyday. I’m trying to save my check-ins for my local support group. This has worked best for me in the past.

 

i am nervous and doubtful but try not to pay much attention to those thoughts; just do it: don’t smoke one day at a time and take the daily actions not to smoke.

stAn3

I’m back

Posted by stAn3 Dec 17, 2017

I stopped participating in the community because I relapsed. I have been a member long enough that you probably already guessed that. I need to admit

 to the community that I relapsed so I feel comfortable coming here again for help. 

 

I felt hopeless after relapsing. I thought I did not have any reservations. I was wrong. I put my new job ahead of everything. I justified not using the community for support. I thought I could handle it. The stress got to me. Because I stopped doing the things that kept me smoke-free, I eventually gave into the urge to smoke. I couldn’t handle the cravings anymore on my own. I shouldn’t have been trying to deal with my addiction alone anyway.

 

Now I am more balanced. I set boundaries with myself on how much I work. I take breaks. It’s not negotiable. I have to put my recovery from addiction above work or I won’t be able to work. I’ll be sick or dead.

 

i have stopped smoking for the time being. I am on the patch. I have reached out to my 12-Step sponsor who is also an ex-smoker. I reached out to a member of my 12-Step home group. I have identified other people I can reach out to if I get the obsession to smoke.

 

My involvement here will be minimal from here on out. Local support and applying the 12 Steps to smoking is what works best for me, so I am putting my energy into building and using local support. I have learned a lot from this site. It has helped me stop smoking several times. But I have not been able to stop the cycle of relapse, so obviously, I need to do more than just participate in the becomeanex community.

stAn3

Week 9 Review

Posted by stAn3 Nov 25, 2017

I have been wanting to smoke everyday this week. I have chosen not to several times. I have not been taking good care of myself. I have skipped meals, not drank water, not gotten enough sleep, not dealt with stress. Today I am making a commitment to take care of myself so I don’t have cravings all the time. I’m not going to smoke. That’s number one. Now I need to do what I can to lessen the cravings.

stAn3

60 days!

Posted by stAn3 Nov 23, 2017

I’ve been triggered every day this week, so I am especially grateful for reaching this milestone. I wanted to smoke but I chose not to. I used the recovery tools. I pledge not to smoke today, no matter what so I can get 61 days days of freedom. 

stAn3

Beginning of Week 9

Posted by stAn3 Nov 20, 2017

I got another week smoke-free. I have a little over two weeks nicotine free. I had thoughts of wanting to smoke everyday at work. When I’m at home I don’t think about it. I also get cravings after I drink coffee. I am not giving in to the thoughts of wanting to smoke. I am waiting it out. I want my brain to adjust to being nicotine-free. I have to give it time. I’m tired of the continuous cycle of relapse. 

 

Everyday I pray to God for another day smoke-free. I come here, even if I don’t post.

 

i don’t have any money right now. That’s a big help. But money stress is also a trigger. I get discouraged when expenses pile up that I don’t have the money for. I’m wanting the financial benefits of not smoking but I don’t see them right now. All my money is going to my care and medical bills. I do feel calmer without nicotine. I feel normal. That is big. I was anxious all the time when I smoked and my body hurt and I did not feel good about myself. Guilt and shame were my constant companions. I am coming up on 60 days smoke-free, and I want to meet that goal, then shoot for 90 days.

stAn3

I got 50 days

Posted by stAn3 Nov 13, 2017

I got 50 days for real this time. I have not relapsed. 

 

Missed the daily pledge this morning because I overslept. I made a personal commitment to myself not to smoke today. 

 

My caffeine addiction is causing cravings. I’m not taking care of myself with my diet. I’m still not smoking though. I don’t have to—no matter what.

stAn3

Feeling shaky

Posted by stAn3 Nov 10, 2017

I feel too distant from my nicotine recovery. I’m going to start taking the daily pledge again. No strong cravings but have thoughts of wanting to smoke. That’s how the relapses always started.

 

I’d ignore those thoughts and go on about my business. Then thoughts would turn into cravings.

 

Gotta do something different. I gotta keep up the maintenance.

 

TELLING ON MY DISEASE: Im doing something that makes me want to smoke. I am drinking caffeine which makes me depressed and I am skipping meals and eating only junk food.

stAn3

Checking in

Posted by stAn3 Nov 8, 2017

I am working on another day not smoking. I am in what they call No Man’s Land. I think about smoking a lot because I am around people smoking all day. I don’t really get cravings. I can’t remember the last time I got a craving. However a thought can turn into a craving real quick. I am still in danger of relapse. I haven’t been posting every day like I was but I have not stopped coming to the site and reading. I’m grateful for another day smoke-free feeling comfortable not really having to work hard to stay smoke free.

stAn3

Hump day

Posted by stAn3 Nov 1, 2017

Over the hump. I worked 12 hours, can home and cooked, and did not smoke. I had a couple of thoughts of smoking but did not give in. I feel at home at work. I handled the stress of feeling overwhelmed.

stAn3

Into Week 6

Posted by stAn3 Oct 30, 2017

Today is Day 37 not smoking. I’m the grand scheme of things, it’s nothing. But things are a lot easier now than on Day 1. I haven’t had any cravings today. I didn’t have any this weekend either. That is big considering I did something that use to trigger me big time: writing. I didn’t even think about smoking even though I was tense. To write, I simply write as much as I can, then take a break when I get writer’s block.

 

I am nervous about school. I know it will be very stressful. In the past, I used addictive activities to cope with stress. No doubt I will do the same thing this time. I try not to obsess about it. I won’t be in school until January, and I can only work my recovery program today.

stAn3

One month smokefree

Posted by stAn3 Oct 25, 2017

I had some smoking thoughts today. Probably because I was around people smoking. I thought I could connect better with my clients if I smoked. Then I thought, “No, it’s not work dying.” I prayed. Then later on I remembered when I first combatted this trigger. I remembered that when I smoked near others I was focused on smoking, not the person I was with. I connect more when I am not smoking because I am not worried about when I’ll get my next dose of nicotine.

I didn’t really think about it much after that. 

I’m at home now. I am tired. I am nervous. I don’t feel like I know what I’m doing at work. It is very unfamiliar. I also anticipate starting graduate school in a couple of months in addition to learning my new job. 

 

My addiction tells me to give up because I can’t stand the stress. It tells me I will relapse eventually anyway so why not relapse now. I’m aware of these thoughts but have made a commitment not to smoke today. I know how to deal with stress. I have been practicing. It is still uncomfortable though. As much as I want to run, I need to accept the discomfort and focus on doing what I need to go today.

stAn3

Beginning Week 5

Posted by stAn3 Oct 23, 2017

I am at my new job. I had a strong craving a few minutes ago. I worked here before and I smoked when I worked here. I think that is the reason. I am also really nervous. I’m practicing deep breathing to counter the anxiety. I am making a personal commitment not to smoke today. I want to give myself a chance to deactivate this trigger.

 

The health consequences are the same. I still am short on money from the last time I relapsed. I can’t afford to pay for cigarettes.

 

Thanks for being here.

stAn3

Day 26

Posted by stAn3 Oct 19, 2017

I feel the same feelings today—frustration at work, really not wanting to be there. I do not want to smoke. Grateful for another day smoke free.

stAn3

I got 3 weeks

Posted by stAn3 Oct 16, 2017

Another week smoke free!

As I sit here at work, there are three coworkers trying to quit. It makes me uncomfortable because I see the mistakes they're making. I've told them what works for me--this site and the literature you guys recommend. I want to say something's my to them but won't. It's not about knowing. It's about doing. And it is about being willing.

 

i am grateful that I have made it three weeks. I don't really get cravings right now. The triggers that made me relapse in the past are present. I am not smoking over them. Although I am free today, I am not complacent. Relapse is my problem. The cravings will come back. I need to be prepared when they do, so I continue to do the daily work even though I am not really struggling at the moment.

 

I hope everyone is doing well. Thanks to everyone who participates in this site.