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stAn3 Blog

105 posts

Beginning Week 5

Posted by stAn3 Oct 23, 2017

I am at my new job. I had a strong craving a few minutes ago. I worked here before and I smoked when I worked here. I think that is the reason. I am also really nervous. I’m practicing deep breathing to counter the anxiety. I am making a personal commitment not to smoke today. I want to give myself a chance to deactivate this trigger.


The health consequences are the same. I still am short on money from the last time I relapsed. I can’t afford to pay for cigarettes.


Thanks for being here.


Day 26

Posted by stAn3 Oct 19, 2017

I feel the same feelings today—frustration at work, really not wanting to be there. I do not want to smoke. Grateful for another day smoke free.


I got 3 weeks

Posted by stAn3 Oct 16, 2017

Another week smoke free!

As I sit here at work, there are three coworkers trying to quit. It makes me uncomfortable because I see the mistakes they're making. I've told them what works for me--this site and the literature you guys recommend. I want to say something's my to them but won't. It's not about knowing. It's about doing. And it is about being willing.


i am grateful that I have made it three weeks. I don't really get cravings right now. The triggers that made me relapse in the past are present. I am not smoking over them. Although I am free today, I am not complacent. Relapse is my problem. The cravings will come back. I need to be prepared when they do, so I continue to do the daily work even though I am not really struggling at the moment.


I hope everyone is doing well. Thanks to everyone who participates in this site. 


Day 20

Posted by stAn3 Oct 13, 2017

I am still smoke free. I have reverted to eating unhealthy food and using caffeine. I feel bad about it. I don't want to smoke over it. Lack of meal planning and lack of funds lead to the junk food. Feeling miserable after stuffing myself with junk food leadvto powerful cravings for caffeine. I haven't drank any caffeine today and want to stay stimulant free, not just smokefree. The substitution of caffeine played a huge role in my latest relapse, creating a pattern of using chemicals to run from feelings and intensiying depression symptoms.


 I still think about smoking sometimes during the day. Sometimes I want it but most of the time I don't. I can't really call the thoughts cravings, just thoughts. 


I continue to pray to God daily to help me stay smoke free, to take away my desire to smoke, to restore me to sanity.


I still come here everyday, even if I don't post everyday.


I don't let very many days go by without blogging. 


Day 18

Posted by stAn3 Oct 11, 2017

I did not smoke yesterday. I am triggered to smoke today. Another grey rainy day so depression is present. I have not planned healthy meals so eating unhealthy food which makes me feel bad. I am angry, frustrated, and hopeless about the dysfunction at work. I feel the tension inside me all the time. I am annoyed at my coworkers for not doing their jobs correctly. I don't want to be here. I have a week and a half left and I will be at my new job.


To stay smoke free I am praying and checking in here. My cravings are not very strong but I need to practice recovery every day to stay smokefree long term. I can't ignore cravings and white knuckle it. 


Day 17

Posted by stAn3 Oct 10, 2017

Today is a challenging day. It is grey and rainy which makes me sad and I forgot to wear my patch. So my head is cloudy. I am not obsessed with smoking though. I made a personal commitment to put on the patch when I get home from work and feel the mild discomfort until then. 


I got two weeks

Posted by stAn3 Oct 8, 2017

This weekend has been more troggering than the work week. I don't have money so I am spending the weekend at home. The same triggers I faced in the past. I did something different the last couple of days. I followed through on my commitment to cook. I got up and got moving. I have a new addiction now--making music. I finished my first song on my iPhone. With the triggers, because  they are familiar, weren't hard to deal with.


i don't have money because I spent too much a few weeks ago, most of the money I wasted was on cigarettes.  


Day 13

Posted by stAn3 Oct 6, 2017

Today was a good day. I had a couple of thoughts of wanting to smoke. I was able to identify the trigger and ignore them. I feel good. 


Day 12

Posted by stAn3 Oct 6, 2017

Yesterday was a good day. No cravings. Actually I have been feeling really good the last few days. Not smoking and not using caffeine had really helped improve my mood. 


Day 11

Posted by stAn3 Oct 4, 2017

I had a bad dream. I laid in bed. It felt so bad. The emotion passed after about an hour. I'm still in a bad mood, keep thinking of smoking. It is not a craving, the urge to smoke is not strong. When the disease talks to me, I am able to counter the thoughts with reality. My smoke pain has come back. That was a trigger strangely enough. The pain I associate with smoking (chest pain, stomach pain) makes me think of smoking. This disease is insane. Glad that I don't want to smoke and I'm work my recovery program. 


Day 9

Posted by stAn3 Oct 2, 2017

I am still smoke free. I had cravings this weekend. Maybe it's just the time of the week. I know Day 7 is supposed to be filled with cravings. I did not smoke. I had to use some willpower to get though it although I have been working my recovery program. I had that same feeling that I relapsed over last time. I talked about it instead of smoking. I have some peace right now. I started my light therapy yesterday. I feel back to normal mentally. I helps that I don't smoke or use caffeine.


I still miss the up and down of addiction. This addiction is strange. If you are abstinence for months or even years, smoking for a day or two makes smoking the new norm. I'm still not used to not smoking. My body and my mind aren't.


I haven't had any cravings so far today. I hope they get fewer and less intense as time goes by. 


I remind myself self that the cravings will go away if I don't smoke. If I smoke, I'm guaranteed to have more cravings. My life will center around feeding my addiction. The only way to get rid of cravings is not to smoke. 


Day 6

Posted by stAn3 Sep 29, 2017

I am worried about this weekend. I haven't done well with unstructured time in the past. At the same time, I feel okay now. I had one craving episode today. My coworkers talk about smoking. I get cravings after I eat. Honestly, hearing people talk about smoking isn't the real trigger, because when they hear them talk about it, I think "I don't do that anymore". The underlying feeling I had was anxiety and just being uncomfortable at my job, not wanting to be there.


I just got a new job. I am nervous about it, dreading it actually. Everybody else is excited and happy for me. I don't feel those feelings. I am worried about how it will be when I start working there. Will I be able to do the job? What are they going to ask me to do? Will l I like my co-workers? Will the clients like me? The positive stuff doesn't seem to register with me--more money, accomplishing a goal I have been working on since 2005, less time spent in my car, doing what I believe is my calling. The details haven't been ironed out, so I'm nervous.

The discomfort I feel at my present job has always been there, and it is the reason I got this new job. Maybe I worry that the new job will be just as bad as the one I'm leaving.

Regardless of how I feel, I have not smoked. I want to keep moving forward and keep reaping the benefits. I noticed this morning that my health-related anxieties are reduced. I'm not worrying about lung cancer all day, or heart attack, or stroke, or COPD. My breathing seems to be back to its full capacity. I enjoy that. My thinking is clearer. There is a steady underlying calmness that I feel not smoking or using caffeine.

After procrastinating for over a year, I finally made the commitment to start cooking again on a regular basis. I stopped cooking when I moved back home and my diet, waistline, and wallet have suffered. I want to see how much better I will feel eating good food instead of mindlessly consuming junk food. Junk in, junk out. I don't want to keep putting junk in my body.

Tomorrow I see my therapist, and Sunday I start my light therapy for depression.


Day 4

Posted by stAn3 Sep 28, 2017

I am feeling better physically and mentally from not smoking and not drinking caffeine. My stomach is healing. I'm not suicidal all the time.


I am ambivalent about continuing to stay smoke-free. My disease is talking to me telling me to give up. It is good that I recognize my disease.


I made a personal commitment not to smoke today. That means I made a personal commitment to stay in the moment, feel what I'm feeling, challenge my negative thinking and false beliefs, and trust God.



Posted by stAn3 Sep 27, 2017

Yesterday at work a coworker came at me with anger for something I didn't do. I keep stewing over it. I don't like my integrity questioned. I am also hurt that she believed what someone else said about me, jumped to conclusions, didn't even bother to see if it was true. Now I don't feel safe around her because I know she is talking about me behind my back. She also tried to pull rank on me, like I'm not qualified to do my job. The whole thing makes me want to confront her and tell her off but I don't handle things that way. I stay quiet and back away from the person who attacks me instead of attacking them. I'm getting ready to leave this job soon anyway, so I'm just trying to buckle down and get through the next weeks with as few problems as necessary.


im writing this down because I am not going to smoke to run away from this feeling. I have to deal with it another way. 


Day 3

Posted by stAn3 Sep 26, 2017

I'm feeling some sadness/depression. I feel the draw of wanting to smoke. I am praying, meditating, applying all the tools. 


Also, I can breath normally. My chest doesn't hurt. I don't smell  I'm grateful for these things.


I am making a commitment to feel my feelings. It's rough. The suicidal thoughts are coming back. Smoking isn't going to kill me. It is going to make me sick. So suicidal thoughts are not a valid reason for smoking. Smoking is not a valid method of suicide.


Also, these thoughts and feelings pass. I might feel happy tomorrow.