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stAn3 Blog

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Celebrating 2 years

Posted by stAn3 Jul 31, 2020

Today I celebrate two accomplishments. I have not smoked for 2 years thanks to the ex community and I have completed my first year of grad school.


My disease has been messing with me, telling me to smoke to celebrate. I was also stressed finishing up my final paper this afternoon. I told myself that I am not going to make that same mistake again (relapsing because I am stressed over school work or relapsing after multiple years of not smoking). I am here posting instead. I am making a commitment to myself and to the ex community not to smoke today and to visit the site everyday for the next several days.


21 months smokefree

Posted by stAn3 May 1, 2020

Yesterday I celebrated another month not smoking. I have not been using the site lately, because I haven’t had any powerful urges to smoke. I still sometimes feel the attraction of a cigarette when I see one but immediately my mind goes to the fact that I don’t smoke anymore. I am grateful for the information and support that I received from this site. The slogans help: Not One Puff Ever. I don’t do that anymore. Keep them away from your face! The encouragement helps too.


It’s been a while

Posted by stAn3 Dec 9, 2019

I am still smoke free. I don’t have many thoughts of smoking. However I don’t want to get complacent. Recently I had some thoughts of smoking because my sleep is messed up and I anticipated having to stay up all night to do homework. I made a commitment not to smoke, and I went to sleep. 

I hate being depressed. I have no control over it, the way it changes my thought process, the sleep changes, the sluggishness, the guilt and self-loathing.


i am almost done with my first semester but it is like walking into gail force wind to get my final assignments done.


 I’m glad I’m not smoking. I am keeping my commitment to myself.

I have depression with seasonal pattern. I start having depression symptoms at the beginning of October and it goes away at the end of March. I use the full spectrum light and I take a high dose of medicine. I still feel different. It’s scary. I have thoughts of wanting to die frequently. I don’t isten to them normally. They have no power. Now those thoughts are more powerful. I am not suicidal but increased thoughts of death let me know my depression is worsening. I felt strong depressed mood earlier today. I had the impulse to smoke. Instead I paid attention to how I was feeling. I kneeled the feeling as depression and anxiety. I reminded myself that I relapsed two years ago because I chose not to feel those feelings. I have the tools to deal with depression. I am not going to smoke. The changes in me are scary. I am going to the gym everyday, starting today, to decrease the depression symptoms. I have a gun in my possession. I am going to give it to a family member in case I do get suicidal later on this winter. I’m going to stick close to this site until I feel safer. Most of all, I’m not going to smoke. I’m continuing to work my program to cope with cravings. Not One Puff Ever No Matter What. 

I feel better after working out, tired, not depressed. I hope this works. I want to go back to feeling how I was feeling before the season change.


9/24/2019 check in

Posted by stAn3 Sep 24, 2019

I find myself thinking of smoking more often. I can’t place a finger on why. It could be the time of year. I have seasonal depression and this is the week before I start using my mood light. I got through this last year so I know I can get through it again this year. 

I’m anxious about school. Anxiety is always a trigger. I am also dehydrated. I love my coffee but it is still a trigger, giving me dry mouth and depressed mood when coming down. I made a commitment to myself to drink water for the dry mouth, to do my homework when I get home, then clean up some, and go to bed. I’m sharing with you because it helps me work through my feelings and reminds me I am not along, never have to be. I don’t think I will smoke. The thoughts have not turned into cravings. However, I know I need to do my maintenance to stay smoke-free. I just checked and I passed the 400 day mark. I hope to keep racking up milestones.



Posted by stAn3 Sep 23, 2019

I have almost 14 months not smoking. I think of smoking occasionally. It is the same triggers—anxiety, dry mouth, tired. I noticed I haven’t been to becomeanex in a while and that’s not good. I refuse to fight this disease on my own again. It is good to see posts from new members, people with a few days smoke-free. For me I rarely think of smoking. Only in hindsight do I realize I’ve walked through a situation which used to trigger me. Situations that were so hard to get through in the beginning do not arouse a thought of smoking for me anymore.


in my life I have been in my apartment for about a month. I made it through my first round of classes. I was going crazy last week with all my assignments coming due at once. I didn’t smoke over it. I don’t remember even struggling to stay smoke free. School-related stress is what I worried the most about. This fear has has kept me from going to graduate school. Now I made it through that situation. I don’t have to smoke. N.O.P.E. keeps coming to mind. No matter what happens, there is never a valid excuse to smoke.


Day 1 in new city

Posted by stAn3 Aug 28, 2019

I moved into my apartment today. I had some smoking thoughts, even a craving. I did not smoke. I told on myself. I identified the trigger (caffeine and dry mouth). I took action. Now I am checking in with you guys. I’m still committed to my quit. I think I’ll get another day smoke-free. I don’t want to go back to Day 1. I’m almost to Day 400.


8/19 checkin

Posted by stAn3 Aug 19, 2019

I have an apartment. I have most of my finances in order for school. My worst fear did not materialize. I don’t have to work full time while in school. Im surprised how easy it has been.


I have had a few smoking urges. I’m still committed to taking action to prevent a return to smoking. That’s why I’m here posting. I’m not as afraid as I was. I’m hopeful about my ability to stay smoke free in the future.


8/5/19 check in

Posted by stAn3 Aug 5, 2019

I have had thoughts of wanting to smoke. They are not strong cravings but these thoughts worry me nonetheless. I am worried about graduate school. I need a place to stay. I don’t know my schedule. I don’t know about my financial aid. Everything’s up I’m the air. I have a feeling I am going to have to work full time while I’m in school. I don’t wont to do that. I am tired because I have worked everyday since July 15th. It’s starting to get to me. I anticipate being tired like this all the time once I start school. That’s what led me to relapse more than once in the past. I am trying to strike a balance. I don’t want to neglect my recovery from nicotine addiction by fighting my addiction on my own using willpower. That’s why I’m checking in about cravings and being mindful of triggers. At the same time, I don’t want to psych myself out by focusing on the challenges I have. My addiction will tell me I have to smoke, that I can’t make it. That’s a lie. I have a choice. I am making the right choice today by checking in, praying, and consciously finding other ways to deal with the stress. I haven’t exercised in a week so I am going to do that today as well. It helps me clear my mind and think straight.


7-13 check in

Posted by stAn3 Jul 13, 2019

I had a good day today. I drank my water. I walked. I avoided sugary drinks. I prayed. I went to a meeting. It was a new meeting. I felt intimidated. But I shared. I am picking my battles right now 


I get overwhelmed when I think of fighting all my addictions. I realized that I judge my well being by my actions. I am a human doing, not a human being. Although I would like to be “perfect”, always making the right decisions, perfection is not an option. So I decided to “easy does it” and “first things first”. The most important thing for me to do right now is not smoke. I will have to be forgiving of myself in other goals I have.


Ironically when I give myself permission to fail, I am able to do healthy things in the moment. “One day at a time” and “Here and Now” take on real meaning for me today.


i got another day smoke free. I am doing what I need to do to protect my quit.


7/9/2019 check in

Posted by stAn3 Jul 9, 2019

I’ve been having more smoking thoughts, urges to smoke. So I’m participating more in the community. In the past, I always failed to do the maintenance. I would try to handle it on my own, not tell anybody. I relied on the smoke-free days I already accumulated. This gave me a false sense of comfort.


i am getting close to some big changes, positive changes. I start a new job on Monday. In a month, I will be free of my current company. I don’t hate the job I have now. Nor do I hate my current employer. It just no longer benefits me to work there so I’m moving on. Because I have stuck it out, I can possibly come back to this company in the future. I’m proud of myself for that.


I’m starting grad school in about a month. This is a no-matter-what situation for me because I have relapsed multiple times, using school stress as an excuse. I know I will be triggered once school starts. I also know I can come to this site and treat my disease.


 I’m overwhelmed thinking about the future and the changes I need to make. At times I want to ignore everything and just run and hide. Sometimes I do run and hide by just laying in bed all day and not talking to anyone.


Today I’m being proactive. I take smoking thoughts seriously. I am heavier now than I have ever been in my life. The doctor told me to walk two miles five days a week and to quit drinking sugary drinks. He told me to drink plenty of water. I balked at first. I don’t want to add losing weight to the goals I already have. I don’t want to add more behaviors to the list of things I have to change. But today, I made a decision to do it. I’m planning how I’m going to get my two miles in tomorrow. I’m drinking water and avoiding sugary drinks. I don’t want to quit smoking, then die of inactivity and a poor diet. I want to live and enjoy my life, not suffer from avoidable illness.


So fear is what I feel when I think of the future. Anger is what I feel when I think of mistakes I’ve made. Excitement is what I feel when I think about July 30th because it will make a year of not smoking.


I think that’s all I have to check in right now.


June 8th check in

Posted by stAn3 Jun 8, 2019

I think of smoking less frequently. But I had an urge earlier this morning. I’m happy that most days I don’t think about smoking. I don’t know what triggered the thought. I know that I am going to keep reaching out when the thoughts come instead of smoking. Thanks for being here.


300 days

Posted by stAn3 May 28, 2019

I’m responding to the challenge.


After countless relapsed, I have 10 months not smoking. I’ve been having thoughts of wanting to smoke every day. They are not strong urges but all it takes is one moment of weakness to start the habit again.


i am grateful for my time not smoking but I know it is a one day at s time thing. I’m never cured. If I want to stay smoke free I am going to have to make an effort.


This time of year seems to be a problem for me. I got clean on June 1st. When my clean date approaches I start getting urges to use, drink, do other stuff that is addictive. I am staying aware of these urges and sharing with others about them. I know they will go away as long as I don’t use. I want to get a year of not smoking, then another year.


i will start grad school I’m the fall. I’m the past I let my fears of grad school be an excuse to smoke. It’s not happening this time. I’m prepared. I have no excuses for smoking. Not One Puff Ever. It gets much easier with time. The more time I get not smoking, the more challenges I go through without smoking, the stronger my recovery gets.


i had another job change and I’m struggling with it. I’m bored. I have not thought of smoking to deal with the job change. That’s another positive change for me, a sign of growth.


Six months

Posted by stAn3 Feb 2, 2019

I’m I recently got notified by the site that I have six months. That’s more time than I have had in years! I rarely think of smoking. The other day I thought of it because I was stressed. I was stressed because of work, and conflicts with co-workers. I remembered checking in everyday on this website and recalled that I no longer checked in here about my feelings. I decided to put my recovery toolbox to use. I prayed. I took a deep breath. I reached out to someone to talk about my feelings. The thought of smoking remained a passing thought. It did not become a strong craving. I got through it.


Thanks to the emails and for the people who message me to see if I’m okay. They remind to keep coming to this site.


i am confident today because I am not confused about the chronic nature of this addiction and my need to stay connected to this site. Before I wasn’t willing to work on not smoking for long term. I’d do intense work for a few weeks to break the habit. Stop doing any work. Then relapse a few months later. I’m not as focused as I was in the beginning but I still check this site and plan to keep doing it—especially when I notice the old thinking coming back. Recovery is an ongoing process.  It never ends. 



Posted by stAn3 Jan 6, 2019

I’m still smoke free. I sometimes think of smoking. I don’t have cravings. My job change was not as stressful as I anticipated. In fact. my stress is greatly reduced.

My ex and I have been in communication for the past three weeks. I am currently feeling some feelings about us not dating anymore. It is not something I thought about smoking to deal with. This is a blessing—freedom from my addiction.

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