The Smoking Spouse

[schwack]

Good morning.

I wanted to share this as I've seen a large influx of newcomers passing through these doors into the EX community.  Some with boyfriends or girlfriends, some who are married.  One question I see asked most often by those either new in their quit or planning to quit goes something like this:  "I am planning on quitting smoking, but my husband still smokes a pack a day and has no plans to quit smoking anytime soon.  Also he thinks I am looney tunes for quitting smoking, can anyone help me?"

Sound familiar to some of you?  I'm here to share my experience with 'The Smoking Spouse' in all its DAILY frustrations and in all its hilarity (well at least to me).  My quit date is April 19th, 2010.  My wife of 8 years still smokes at least one pack a day.  We have two sons, ages 5, one soon to be 6.  When I quit smoking, I quit for myself and no one else.  I had a 26 year 2.5 pack a day habit.  If you wanted to know more about my addiction, I guess you could read some of my previous blogs.  I came to a point where I was just done.  I couldn't smoke anymore.  I didn't want to.  I was DESPERATE to quit and was willing to go to any length to do so.  Like many of you perhaps, my spouse had two immediate thoughts:  1)  I was nucking futs for quitting.  2)  She had ZERO plans of quitting anytime soon (even tho she claimed she did).  So I quit smoking.  I remember it like it was yesterday:  I was 10 days quit, and my wife had the stones to ask me to go to the store and get her a pack of smokes.  You wanna talk about HOT?  MAD?  Man o man was I ever.  I went off, she learned very quickly not to ask again, for about oh... two weeks.

My spouse has never really supported my quit.  I've seen so many souls come here echoing the same pains- that no one in their immediate family or friends really supported their quit.  It was almost like quitting smoking suddenly made me Rudolph the Red Nosed Quitter.  My smoking 'friends' would laugh and call me names.  My family would treat me with kid gloves, afraid I would freak out on them and break out a chainsaw because I didn't run for a cigarette.  I lost 85% of my 'smoking friends'.  That's when I realized they weren't really friends in the first place.  A *true* friend will support you when you make life choices meant to enhance your life in a positive manner.  As for my family (my folks) they are now more supportive and understanding.  As for my kids, they are too young to understand the impact of my quit, but thats not important to me.  I have a 'new daddy smell' according to them, and thats more than good enough for me.  As for my wife, she still smokes every day, at least a pack a day.  So how do I deal with living with a smoking spouse?  

1)  Set boundaries:   If she smokes, she has to smoke outside, AWAY from me.  Once in a while, I'll walk out to ask her a question while she's smoking.  Early on that was tough, I just plain avoided her when she smoked.  Today, I can be outside when she is smoking, but I refuse to put myself in that situation on a regular basis.  Initially in my quit, I asked her to please hide her smokes and lighter for 30 days.  She did for about 5 days.  (Feel the support I'm getting here, people?)  

2)  Protect your quit AT ALL COSTS.  There are days when I get frustrated.  Life happens, stress happens, SMOKING will not fix any of it.  I have worked damn hard to protect my quit, and I love the fact that I am over 4 months smoke free.  It would be so easy when I'm angry to just go find my wife's pack and pick up and light up.  I flat out REFUSE to.  I will NOT.  Not now, not today, not ever, one breath at a time.  If your quit means that much to you, you'll become smart enough and adept enough at how to react to certain situations.  If things get to heavy or stressful for me, I either go for a long long walk, or retreat to my man cave (this is dude speak for office) and put my headphones on, loud.  I also like to lose myself in my sons.  They are such a joy, and any thought I have of smoking a cigarette they almost instantly extinguish by their sheer beauty and innocence.

3)  Make a game of it, if you have to.  My wife and I argue, sometimes we fight.  I hate it, it sucks.  But to me, sometimes I get a silent chuckle out of the fact that she HAS to GO OUTSIDE right NOW and SMOKE because we argued.  It is at this point I will happily run out to the backyard and run with my puppy Karma, breathing in fresh air and inner peace while she inhales formaldehyde and exhales rage.  I cannot make anyone else quit.  I cannot make my wife quit or my friends quit.  No one is ready until they are ready themselves.  If you are new here, and you're blessed enough to have a husband or wife who is willing to quit with you, you are to be congratulated as you are in the minority.

4)  Lastly, NEVER look for support in your quit from your still smoking other half.  You won't get it.  If you do, it will be half hearted and you'll feel it instantly.  I come to EX for support.  I have non smoking friends that I call DAILY.  I take walks, and I have a growing relationship with a higher power, a creator of my understanding whom I also draw support from hourly.  If you need support during your quit.  COME HERE.  Call 1-800-QUIT-NOW.  Go to whyquit.com.  CALL SOMEONE WHO CARES.

I hope this helps at least one person here who is facing the same daily battle I am.  I am 4 months and 10 days smoke free and I'm not giving in anytime soon.  I am living, breathing, walking proof that it is possible to stay quit regardless of the circumstances at home.  If you want it badly enough daily, you can live it daily.

Peace,

-Schwack