I actually quit smoking back in April. However, a few weeks ago, during a weak moment, I gave into the urge to go and buy a pack of cigarettes. I'm embarrassed. I still can't believe I caved. I actually only smoked a few out of that pack, and then I doused the rest of them in water and threw them away. However, the damage was done. I went right back to the store the very next day and bought another pack.
It's been downhill ever since then.
I'm hiding smoking from my family. No one knows that I'm doing this but me. I will leave the house to go to the store, and I'll stop and smoke. It's an elaborate plan I've dreamed up. I have two sweatshirts I wear (in the middle of July), to completely cover my shirt and my hair. I bought stuff to spray in my hair, hand sanitizer to take the smell off of my hands, and gum to chew go cover up the taste. It sounds crazy. I've done it before though. I actually smoked a really long time without anyone knowing right after my son was born. That was a little over three years ago.
My husband and I quit together in April, and although I don't know that he's not sneaking around behind my back too, I have reason to believe that he's stayed quit. I'm lying to him. It really bothers me, but I feel like I'm stuck. That's why I started looking for some type of online support group that I could join to help me. I've set my quit date for five days from now. I'm hoping that gives me enough time to read some good information and prepare myself to quit for real this time.
When we quit in April, we did it by going to e cigarettes first. Then, I started to realize that all they were doing was keeping me going through withdrawal all the time. The nicotine just wasn't enough. I decided to stop using them and go cold turkey. It worked, and I felt better than I have in a long time. However, in that one weak moment, I gave in.
I know that this doesn't have be my sentence. I'm a writer, so I was thankful to find a site that allowed me to blog about how I was feeling. I'm ashamed that I've done this to myself, and that I'm lying to my family. I want to put this right, though. I want to make a change.
Five days until I quit for GOOD.