Why Am I A Closet Smoker?

Blog Post created by ncolwell on Sep 30, 2013

Someone asked me why I'm a secret smoker. I hadn't really said why, so I thought I would do that here this morning.

My husband and I have smoked on and off for almost our entire marriage of 6 and a half years. He was a smoker when I met him, and on our honeymoon I started smoking too because I wanted to be with him. I didn't want him to have to go outside by himself all the time. I know it was a stupid reason. I told myself that I would just quit when we got home from our honeymoon. I figured I should be able to quit after only doing it for two weeks. Of course, that didn't happen. When I returned home, I was diagnosed with pneumonia, and even though I had pneumonia, I continued to smoke. 

We quit a few different times. We used Chantix a couple of times, but after a few months we went right back to smoking again. I got pregnant with our son, and after he was born, I decided I wanted to smoke, even though my husband was dead-set against it. I bought a pack, and started smoking behind his back. It was easy, while he was working and while the kids were in school, I would spend my days smoking. I would take a shower before the kids got home from school, and then I'd stop smoking for the rest of the day. 

Eventually, I started coming up with excuses to leave the house by myself. I perfected the art of covering my body up so that no one could smell smoke on me when I got back. I'm sure I looked ridiculous. This went on for months. By the time my son was 9 months old, the guilt got to be too much for me. I sat my husband down and I told him what I had been doing. He was pretty good about it, and he even asked me if he could have a cigarette. We talked, and I told him that I would quit soon. He bought us both some cigarettes in PA where they were cheaper, and he seemed to be OK with continuing to smoke. Especially since I said I would quit soon. Quitting has never been a problem for him. He's the kind of guy who could smoke one cigarette a day, or even every few days, for the rest of his life and be fine. 

We quit soon after that. However a few months later, I started again, behind his back. I don't remember how he found out that time. I think I got him to buy some cigarettes after we went out to eat one night, and then I just never stopped smoking in front of him after that. We smoked for quite a while, up until this past April. 

I told him that I had decided that I wanted to quit. I told him a date, and he said, "Why don't we just quit now?" That made me angry because I didn't feel like I could quit "now". I convinced him that I needed the time to prepare myself, and the following Friday, we quit. We started using the ecigs, and he only used his for a few days before he was finished completely. I took a few days longer, and then I was finished completely. (Meaning, we both finished smoking ANYTHING AT ALL). 

I did great until the end of June. I started smoking behind his back again. He had told me that he didn't think I could really quit. He assumed I'd start smoking behind his back. I had already lied to him a few times, and I just couldn't bear the thought of coming clean again. I decided I had to figure out a way to quit smoking without telling him what I had done. I know it's a pride thing, and I want him to think good of me. Even if I don't deserve it. 

I'm using the ecig now, and it's working really well for me. I'm not ready to give it up entirely, but I'm working on a plan to decrease how much I use it. I really didn't use it much at all this past weekend. I'm really happy that I've made it five days without smoking a tobacco cigarette. I'm excited to get this far, and I know that I can beat this thing, if I can beat that part of it. 

Thanks for reading!