I Think The Answer For Me Is...The E-Cig

[ncolwell]

If you've read any of my past blog posts, you know that I am a closet smoker. I smoke in secret, and I've perfected the art of covering up my deception. I know when it's OK to smoke, when it's not OK to smoke. I know the things I need to have with me so that I can cover up the smell so my husband can't smell it. It helps that he's had a cold recently, so his "smeller" hasn't worked really well. I've been told that he must know I've been smoking, he's just not saying anything. This man cannot hide ANYTHING. If he even suspected it, he would say something. Trust me. 

I had decided to quit before we went on vacation at the end of August. I figured that being gone for a few days was a good way to get the nicotine out of my body. I was mentally prepared to quit cold turkey, and I figured that after a few days, I wouldn't have nicotine in my body anymore anyway, so it would work out great. Part of our vacation included bringing our kids to their grandmother's house for a few days. Meanwhile, we went to Lancaster for a little mini-honeymoon. Our hotel was amazing, and it had this door that led to a back patio area right off the pool. We were in PA, where cigs were cheaper, and when my hubby said, "It would be so cool to sit out here and smoke and relax", that was all it took for me to turn my back on my almost-48-hour quit and say, "Please? Can we buy cigarettes?" We did, and we smoked for two days. 

Stupid.

By the time we got home, I was in peak withdrawal (because we stopped before we picked our kids up again), and the remainder of our vacation was just bad. We were both craving nicotine and we were snippy with each other and with the kids. As soon as I got home, I made an excuse to run to the store, where I bought more and smoked two before I got home. 

My quit plan failed. 

I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but I knew I couldn't keep up smoking. As the weather changed, I felt a cold coming on, and this time it wasn't going away very quickly. I could hear rattling in my right lung, and I started to worry about bronchitis, pneumonia, or worse, cancer. I went through a couple of rounds of throwing the rest of my pack of cigarettes away, proclaiming that I was quitting once and for all, and then the next day I would go buy a new pack as soon as the kids went to school. 

It came to my attention how much time I was wasting during the day because of smoking. I finally had 6 uninterrupted hours to work at home during the day (I'm a writer, hence this long blog post), and I was letting cigarettes steal those hours away from me. I can't just step outside and smoke where we live. We have neighbors upstairs as well as our landlord upstairs, and if any of them caught me, they would surely tell my husband. We're not supposed to be smokers, living here. So, when I smoke, I not only have to cover my clothes and my hair, but I have to leave my house too. That meant lots of walks through the cemetery across the street, and lots of drives to nowhere. 

As I was pondering how much time smoking was stealing from me, not to mention making me a liar to my family, and wreaking havoc on my health, I started thinking about the e cig I bought a few weeks ago. I had bought it before my kids' birthday party, thinking that I could use it during the weekend when I had less time to myself. What if I switched to the e cig completely? When my husband and I quit in April, we switched to the e cig for a little while, and then I came off it completely before too long. I knew I had done it before, and I figured I could do it again. 

On Wednesday of this week, I had gone to pick my kids up from school. Near where they go to school, there's a section of woods that's off the road, and I would frequently go back there to smoke before I picked them up. I went back there again, and smoked. Then I thought, "This is so stupid. Here I am crouching in the bushes. This is dumb. Why am I doing this to myself?" I didn't finish that whole cigarette, and I went back to my van and on a whim, I threw more than a half a pack out the window and drove away. (I know it was littering, but stay with me here.)

I went and picked up my kids, and later that night when I wanted to smoke again, I picked up the ecig. It seemed like a good substitute. 

Yesterday, I spent the whole day using the ecig only, and I was only tempted to go buy regular cigarettes a couple of times. I didn't give in though. Today, it's been the same thing. I've used the ecig a couple of times, and now I'm looking forward to a day when I don't waste all of my precious work hours away on trying to find a "safe" place to smoke where I won't get caught. 

I've read some things on this site about using ecigs, and some people have had great success with quitting using them. Others think they're a waste of time. I think you have to do what's right for you. I've been trying to quit cold turkey for months now. I just can't do it because I'm a secret smoker. I had to find another way. I believe I found it. 

Someday, I might tell my husband what I've been doing. Right now I can't tell him. I'm working on quitting nicotine all together, but like many who use the gum or the patches, this is going to take a step by step process. I know I will do it. I am motivated more now than I ever was before. I believe I am more addicted to the "rush" of getting caught or sneaking around than the nicotine. I'm working on getting past that too. 

Thanks for reading. 🙂