RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter
from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite
a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your
husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go
off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This
caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a
reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union
grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company
money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a
bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department
and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring
pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty
children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him
he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me
alone?' EMTs were called.
9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera
and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously
while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme..
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE
VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door,
waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the clerks passed out.
