I started smoking at age 13. My 2 best friends were older and both smoked, as well as most of the group we hung out with. My Mom had quit smoking before I was born. She was strictly a social smoker who never really enjoyed it. Dad smoked the whole time I was growing up and only quit after I stole a pack of his cigarettes, Lucky Strikes. By the summer when I was 13 I was working in the fields so had money to buy my smokes and working outdoors I could smoke anytime. At 14 I got a job after school working in a friend's restaurant so had money. But I had no social life.
I graduated with honors in 1963 and left home for college. Lots of scholarships so I could afford it. My parents had 7 other younger kids and money was always tight but I could always buy my own clothes and leave some money laying around for my Mom to find when she needed a bit extra for groceries. She hated to use it but after Dad quit his full-time job (after many years and good reason), before his own business became successful, she sometimes had to. Later she returned every penny she had ever borrowed.
In college I lived with family friends and immediately found a full time job to pay expenses, including my smokes. There I fell in love and married, and quit college. The next year I was pregnant, I had still never built up a social circle but I had found Camel unfiltered, and coffee. My husband found a really good job but he was out of town all week so I went back to waitressing. And any time I was scheduled for a weekend when he was home I had to quit, 5 jobs that first year and no time to find friends of my own. But I had my coffee, my smokes, and usually a good book. Cigarettes were $2 a carton and we both went through a carton a week.
When I began to show my pregnancy I had to quit working in the public. (1965). I got an Avon route. Smoked through both pregnancies, even had a "smoking" room in the hospital both times. My family and 2 best friends were 100 miles away and I had no car, then worked part time so no time to go home. Then we moved across the country, close to his family, and a better job for both of us. Everyone smoked.
My 1st husband died in a car accident but the body lived on. I worked and came home to care for him. At night I would sit in the fresh air alone with my coffee and smokes and de-stress.
He died, I met, (at work) a fantastic man, partially disabled, and a heavy Kool smoker. I was hooked on menthol. Most of our friends were drinkers so we would go out for a drink, maybe a dance, and always our smokes., I found a great job with great health insurance but as his health declined medical bills mounted and I took all the over-time I could get.
Finally had to take a leave to be full time care taker. Maxed out 4 credit cards. After home hospice kicked in the medical bills stopped but money was so tight. He had no appetite and could eat little and I really didn't care what, or even if, I ate so most of the scant grocery money went for cigarettes.
Back to work, loved the job,and the people, and worked every hour I could get. Paid off the credit cards, and most bills. Some weeks I lived on oatmeal, bread, eggs and cheese so I could have my cigarettes. We had bought an old house on an acre + of land and had been trying to fix it up when we both worked. Now I threw myself into taking care of the bare yard. So catharic. By now I was so introverted that I didn't miss a social life, enjoyed my yard, my coffee, and my smokes. And my kids and grandkids.
I had tried to quit smoking several times during the past 15 years but something always happened. Once he had a major stroke, I tore off my patch, grabbed a carton of smokes, and headed to the hospital to stay with him at the big city hospital. Another time, on patches and pills, (doctor's advice), I had a mild heart attack. Within a month I was back with my best friend, my smokes. By now I was buying the cheapest menthol I could find, had been for years, but I could smoke.
Then my Mom's alzheimers got worse and Dad was going blind. I will finish my biography another time, I have to get busy. Just writing this has helped me a bunch. I think I understand me and my addiction a bit better. My new quit date is Tuesday. I have already cleaned my home out, I have noified more support people, and have identified another trap or two. I am ready to try again after the holiday. Chocolate no longer works, and I have gained 2 pounds since surgery on junk food. My refrigerator is stocked with every fresh fruit you can think of. I love all fresh fruit and could not afford it for so many years, that some days I crave it. Also gotta find a good crutch, small lozenges, or light patches, maybe?
