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elvan

Help for a newbie

Posted by elvan Jul 13, 2018

I saw this post in the Daily Pledge:

 

Triggers :

Has anyone been part of this site before the facelift? Before you could click a trigger and it would give you detailed information on how to beat the trigger. Example: After waking up you would wait 5 minutes before smoking and the next day you would wait 10 minutes, etc. Eventually breaking that bond. 

 

Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Because now you have to input how you yourself overcame a certain trigger. I need the detailed information. Please get back to me asap.

 

Thanks, 

Jason

 

I did respond via direct message and I suggested moving the question to Community Help, I also pointed out the Quit Plan and the magnifying glass to allow searches for triggers.  If anyone has any other ideas...please contact this person.

 

Thanks,

Ellen

Some of you may have seen the news that a local restaurant owner refused to serve the White House Press Secretary a week ago on Friday.  Our town has been in chaos since then...there is a large motorcycle protest expected this afternoon and evening.  No matter what side of the issue you may be on, PLEASE pray that there is no violence.  I work in my son and daughter in law's cafe and they have received a number of death threats in the past few days.  They have had to turn off their business phone and disable their Facebook and Instagram accounts...they are a young couple trying very hard to make their business work...they have an "Everyone Eats" program so they feed people who cannot afford a meal...no one wants violence to result from this, it is a very polarizing issue and I understand that but I also understand that this small community is trying its best to weather the storm.  It is unfairly affecting all of the local businesses and the usual celebratory 4th of July event.

 

Say a prayer for PEACE, please.

Thank you,

Ellen

I went to Walmart to get a few things yesterday...seriously, not even a little cart full.  My son also went but we split up because he wanted to look at things I was not interested in and he was not interested in MY purchases.  As I was heading toward the front, I called him and told him I would be checking out soon...hahahahaha, little did I know.  I got to the front and there were lines at all of the open registers and none of them were moving...the cashiers all looked like they were completely confused.  There were SO MANY people in line that I could not believe it.  I chose what seemed to be the shortest line and the couple ahead of me said that the computers were all down and that they could not check anyone out because they couldn't scan anything.  The pharmacy was closed...all of the "managers" were walking around looking apologetic.  My son said he felt like leaving...just putting his stuff down and walking out.  Of course, he is a smoker so I knew he really wanted to go outside and smoke.  I told him that I could not just abandon my cart because it had frozen things in it (as well as hot dogs).  I waited in my selected line and waited and waited and I was honestly pretty impressed that no one was swearing or being downright ugly.  After close to 45 minutes, an announcement was made that if you had items that did not need to be weighed, you could check out in either the jewelry department or electronics.  If you had items that had to be weighed, you could check out in lawn and garden.  I took off for electronics as quickly as I could...I was behind about 7 or 8 people when I got in line.  I had my own bags so I put all of the cold and frozen items in them (too bad I didn't think of that 40 minutes BEFORE).  My son sent me a text that he was outside and to let him know if things really started moving.  Again, I was impressed that people were not horrible...they were polite, many were laughing...the poor cashiers who were not used to checking out anything other than electronics were better than any cashier I ever had up front.  They were laughing and keeping things moving, they were AMAZING.  I got my stuff and got out...much later than I expected but I did make it.  My son said, "Mom, I love you, I really love you but I am NEVER going to Walmart with you again." Hahaha, can't say that I blame him.  He abandoned his chosen items.

 

I sure am glad that I wasn't thinking about smoking.

 

Have a great day, everyone.

Ellen

I want you to try to understand that anger is a normal emotion...when we quit smoking, it seems so overwhelming and powerful and it actually may very well be...BUT, it is OUR anger and we can learn to channel it. I lost so many quits over anger because I felt that MY anger was so much worse than others...MY anger could only be described as RAGE. What, exactly, was I so angry about? Personally, I was and I AM angry that I fell into this addiction, that I allowed those drug dealers to take over every aspect of my life. I allowed them to literally take my breath away...not in a good way. I am a very strong woman, I am educated and intelligent and I am committed to my friends and family in the most powerful ways...perhaps, sometimes TOO much. When I talk about how hard it is for me to breathe, how tired I am all of the time because of this COPD, I do not do it so people will feel sorry for me...I DO it because if I can stop even ONE person from going through this...it will validate my journey. I know that I stole time from my children and my grandchildren in order to smoke...I know that I will not be with them as long as I could have if I had taken better care of myself. There is NOTHING I can do about that...NOTHING...BUT, I can take care of myself from here on in and I can offer what I have learned along the way to people who are starting the journey to recovery. I can say absolutely unequivocally that smoking does nothing FOR us...the addiction DOES speak, it makes promises that it will make all of the anger go away, it will relieve the stress, it will even fix physical pain...LIAR, LIAR, LIAR. I HATE liars...LIARS make me angry. We are in recovery...the same recovery as any other addict. I have a son who is a recovering addict and a husband who is a recovering alcoholic...I have seen this up close and personal. I have cared for people who were addicts...I hate seeing anyone in pain so that's a real challenge for me. Now that I am in my OWN recovery and on my OWN journey...don't you DARE tell me that your addiction is worse than mine or anyone else's, that is complete and total B.S. no matter what your drug of choice may have been.  We all go through withdrawal...some physical...mostly psychological, there is no way to get through this without feeling some pain...at least, that is not my experience and I will not pretend that it is. Go ahead and give yourself permission to feel angry, to feel sad, to feel pain...no matter what the source. Give yourself permission to be a PERSON who is growing and not a person who is actively committing suicide...one puff at a time.

 

This journey is worth every single step away from smoking.

Ellen

I have really been trying to blog for a while but I broke a couple of ribs and then, when they were healing, I aspirated a sesame seed and ended up with an exacerbation of my COPD and pneumonia AND, of course, my back was killing me throughout everything and then my computer broke.  I really felt like I could not take much more.  I was crouched down over a little tablet like Schroeder in the Peanuts comic playing the piano BUT, I was going crazy because the tablet had its own ideas of what it wanted to do.  The real estate taxes had to be paid and, of course, groceries have to be bought and prescriptions filled.  Many of you know that my little blonde cat, Bijou, has been seriously ill.  The vet settled on a diagnosis of Toxoplasmosis because she really could not figure out what it was or IS.  She is no longer having seizures but she is also no longer able to hold herself up on her back legs...I carry her to the litter box several times a day and keep track of making sure that she is urinating and having bowel movements...unfortunately, she sometimes has bowel movements on my bed, which is where she sleeps and pretty much spends ALL of her time.  I have it padded so I can change the top layers without much effort...fortunately, her movements are very solid and dry.  I no longer think she is having seizures, I believe that she has some spinal issue that causes her to have difficulty moving her bowels without standing on her back legs. I hold her up in the litter box but if I am not home, she goes on the bed.  Sounds disgusting, I know but I am being diligent in making sure that she is clean and her bedding is clean.  She plays like a kitten when she plays...she is alert, her appetite is good, she just cannot use the lower part of her body.  I have no idea if this will continue to progress or even what it is, I give her massages with a tennis ball because those help ME with my scoliosis.

 

I am working tomorrow and then again next Wednesday because they need someone to be there to accept deliveries.  I asked if I could get some hours because they are closing next week and I cannot possibly afford to lose a paycheck, no matter how small it is.  I am hoping to get my computer repaired and be back to "normal" although, I am not sure that I will ever be completely caught up on all that I missed.  Please know that I think of all of you and I say prayers that your journeys will get easier.

 

I went to the store today and when I exited, a young woman who was smoking and clearly distracted, literally blew an entire mouthful of smoke into my face.  She looked horrified and asked if she had really just blown all that smoke into my face.  I said yes, not in an angry way although I was seething...and I kept on walking as she was apologizing behind me. NOT NICE!

 

Love you all, 

Ellen

I just heard from Missy and the CT scan showed small stones in the right ureter and in the bladder...they think they are all small enough for her to pass on her own.  She was sent home with medication for pain, nausea, and the spasms.  She is going to try to get some rest and update us tomorrow.

 

She sends her love and thanks for the thoughts and prayers.

Ellen

I spoke with Nancy about an hour ago and a friend had just arrived to give her a ride home.  YAY!  She was planning to stop and get some things at the store and will be spending at least tonight on the main floor and not attempting the stairs.  She sounds WONDERFUL!

 

SO GLAD she is on her way home!

 

XOXO,

Ellen

elvan

So, so sorry

Posted by elvan May 24, 2018

I have been really, really sick.  I aspirated a sesame seed on Monday before I needed to leave for the train station to pick up my daughter.  I coughed and gagged and vomited and I was absolutely terrified because I could not get it up...I have also been recovering from this stupid rib issue so it was HELL which is putting it mildly.  I needed to be at the train station by 9:30 and I wanted to leave really early so I would not have to drive in the dark.  The train station is an hour and a quarter from here and I planned to do some shopping and just sort of relax once I got there.  I ran into a terrible rain storm about half an hour into my drive and my phone started ringing.  I NEVER answer the phone when I am driving and there was no way I could safely get off the road in that storm.  Just served to make me more nervous.  The train was over 3 hours late so I was at the train station...which was CLOSED.  It was, of course, dark and I did not want to leave and try to find my way back so I sat there and then got out and walked a bit...I had to pee so badly that I was afraid I might have an "accident" before she arrived but, thank GOD, I did not.  We did not get home until really late and  I slept most of Tuesday because I was simply exhausted.  The sound coming from my chest was alarming...sounded like a small trapped animal squeaking.  I had to have my son get me nebulizer tubing because mine somehow got separated from my nebulizer...no idea HOW.  I used the nebulizer every 2-4 hours, along with rescue inhaler and gallons of OJ or water...also took a swig of whiskey to see if I could settle the spasm.  I woke up yesterday, early in the morning, vomiting and I kept that up until last night.  I slept between vomiting.  My family wanted to take me to the hospital but I really did not feel like I could get up to go...the hospital where my pulmonologist practices is 45 minutes away.  I HATE the ER at our local hospital...I did manage to take a shower at some point.  I think that helped me some...I slept some last night and I feel much better today.  I am incredibly sore but I am upright.  I had been going and going nonstop to get ready for this visit and I am sure that played into my aspirating the sesame seed...no more sesame seed bagels for me...EVER!

 

Again, I am so sorry to have worried people, thanks for the direct messages.  I will get back up to my "normal" activity as soon as I can.

 

Love you all,

Ellen

elvan

@youngatheart, another update

Posted by elvan May 16, 2018

I just spoke to Nancy, she will be moved to a rehabilitation center when they have a bed.  No one from physical therapy showed up today to do any exercises with her so she was not pleased about that but she sounds wonderful otherwise.  She said that her leg is still quite swollen and she feels like a turtle on its back, she can't really move.  I told her I would talk to her tomorrow and that if she moves before I call, to please let me know.  

 

I passed along the well wishes and prayers from all of you and told her that you, Sootie, would NOT want to be the person in charge of cleaning her house.  She got quite a laugh out of that.  I think that her attitude is wonderful, she would be the kind of patient that everyone would WANT to take care of as opposed to the not so pleasant ones.  

 

I will keep you in the loop if I hear anything more.

 

She sends her love.

Ellen

The chest xray I had shows two broken ribs and very thin bones...yeah, knew that part.  It also shows a possible early pneumonia, did NOT know that.  Blood work shows pancreatitis.  Doctor said to stay on clear liquids until nausea passes...it already passed.  Pain on one side is just horrible.  Last night my oximetry was very low and my pulse was very high...I did not realize that is common with pancreatitis.  Using incentive spirometer...I have an ultrasound Friday and then see the doctor two hours later.  I called my son and told them to take me off the schedule for Saturday since I cry out in pain when I move and I don't want to hurt myself or scare anyone.  I am not being treated with antibiotics for the pneumonia so she either thinks it is viral or she wants to see if I get better without them.  I do not have a fever, I AM incredibly tired but that could be from any of the things they found.  

 

Love you all...going to bed, I rested all day.  I am worried about moving that one rib into my lung and really causing trouble.  

 

Ellen

elvan

Oops, I did it again

Posted by elvan Apr 28, 2018

Some of you already know that I broke another rib last Saturday before I had to leave for work.  I was trying to get a piece of wet laundry out of the washer and it was not cooperating.  I heard and, of course, FELT that telltale crack that told me I was in trouble.  The broken rib is just above my back brace so if I move in the wrong direction, it is constantly being irritated.  I made it through work, wanted to strap an ice pack on but I didn't think I could do it.  YES, it hurts...broken ribs are horribly painful and just like quitting smoking, there is no way to speed up the journey.

 

I have had recurrent nausea ever since last Saturday night, I vomited every single night and had terrible pain in the area of the break.  I put myself on clear liquids and had one night without vomiting and instead had it in the morning.  I made an appointment with my doctor for Monday morning just to be sure that this pain is all from the rib.  It's under the rib and I swear that it seems to be swollen.  I cannot touch it without wincing and I have a history of ulcers...they were always in the same area and the pain was very much like this and I vomited every night when I had them.  I was put on Prilosec and had miraculous results.  I considered going to get some but I have decided to let the doctor decide what is best at this point.  My stress level has been through the roof since my husband's heart attack...he seems so disconnected from reality and contributes nothing financially to our expenses.  I am overwhelmed and there is nothing I can do other than what I am doing, taking this one day at a time, one step at a time.  I am paying bills...working every Saturday (heading out shortly) and meditating to see if I can release some of this stress.  I KNOW that smoking would not help, it isn't even something I think about.  I am looking forward to seeing the doctor...oh, I didn't vomit last night and so far, have no vomited this morning...maybe just making the appointment released something.

 

This too shall pass...I just wish it would pass FASTER.  It's really hard to take a deep breath when my rib shifts every time I try.  I am using the Incentive spirometer and forcing myself to cough...crying wee, wee, wee, wee all the way home.

 

Smoking would NOT help...smoking helps NOTHING.

 

Have a beautiful Saturday.

Love,

Ellen

elvan

Losing a Quit

Posted by elvan Apr 26, 2018

..How saddened I was to have to come clean to my family, AGAIN.  My oldest would tell me not to be so hard on myself, she was a smoker back then, my son would tell me that I could try again when I was "ready"...he is still a smoker.  My husband who quit when our youngest was a little over a month old (she is now 28 and never smoked)....would just look sad and tell me that I needed to figure out why.  I always knew why...it was always a stuff down those emotions time.  My youngest would look at me and her eyes would fill with tears, she wouldn't say anything, she didn't HAVE to. She was the last one I told when I quit this time...I really did know, in my heart of hearts, that I would never smoke again but I did not EVER want to see those tears again.  I didn't tell her until it had been over three months, she was teaching in South Korea so she didn't see me through the beginning months.  When she came home, I had been quit for over 11 months...she just put her arms around me and said, I ALWAYS KNEW you could do it and that you WOULD do it....ALWAYS.  She had more faith in me than I had in myself.

 

It is NEVER worth that one puff because it never stops there...at least it never did for me and I am SO SORRY every time I recognize another thing I cannot do because of all of the damage I did...don't BE ME!  You can't UNDO this damage.

 

Ellen 1558 days of freedom

elvan

Good night all

Posted by elvan Apr 14, 2018

I am SO exhausted from working today, I am home now and I am going to turn the computer, the TV, and the phone off.  I really need sleep.  Love you all, each and every one of you.

Ellen

We took Bijou to the vet...my husband, my son, and me and I paid, in advance for the euthanasia.  I was very clearly a mess.  I took her in a cardboard box with a soft towel in it.  She rallied in the car on the way there and pushed me away from her with her back legs...AND her claws.  She left some pretty impressive marks on my chest. I was amazed that she could do that.  In any event, while we waited in the waiting area, she climbed out of the box and wanted to get down off the bench so my husband set her down.  She walked all over the waiting room while we sat there with our mouths wide open and looking like complete fools.  I approached the desk and the receptionist said it was "vet air"...she said that Bijou was the third patient of the day to miraculously recover in the waiting room.  I told her I wasn't sure she was exactly recovered but I definitely wanted her examined before any procedure was done.  She had lab work and it showed elevated liver enzymes that would be consistent with hepatitis...she has no fever and they could not FEEL any masses.  Her neuro exam was not particularly conclusive but she is a cat and she was not impressed.  They agreed that she has a very odd gait but she always has...she never used to drag her back legs and she didn't drag them today.  The vet said she would like us to consider a round of antibiotics and prednisone to see what happens.  She said to watch her for any seizure activity and that they would add phenobarbital if necessary but she really thinks that she is so young that there is a good chance that this can all be reversed.  I gladly emptied my checking account and we brought her home.  She ate a full dinner after I gave her medication and she is currently sleeping.  She had a very, very active two hours...we arrived before 5:00 and did not get home until after 7:00.  We are ALL spent.  I so hope this was the right decision, I am not sure I can go through all of this again.  I should see changes in the next 48 hours if she is going to respond to the meds.  She wants to see her again in 10 days to 2 weeks and see how she is doing.  She said she is not sure what is going on but she could not believe the change since she last saw her.  My husband and son would have both gone crazy if I had not said, let's do what we can.

 

I thank all of you for going through this with me, I feel like I am a complete disaster at the moment so I am going to sign off and get some sleep with my kitten at my side.

 

Love,

Ellen

elvan

My darling Bijou...

Posted by elvan Mar 20, 2018

Will be euthanized around 5:00 this afternoon, she is not getting better and clearly has no realistic chance at a quality life.  

 

Please understand if I am not here for a couple of days or whatever length of time it takes for me to start to heal.  

 

Thank you to everyone who tried so hard to help and to support me, I know that all of you know that this is incredibly painful and I need a little bit of space.

 

Love,

Ellen