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elvan Blog

323 posts

Might be absent for a while

Posted by elvan May 28, 2020

Please don't worry, I will be back, I think I just need a break.  I don't even like myself right now.  No thoughts of smoking...just dealing with the damage already done.

Love to all,



Up & Down...oops down won!

Posted by elvan Apr 30, 2020

A few days ago, l slipped & fell down the stairs to the basement. I was wearing flip flops & one slipped, l guess. I made a LOT of noise. There are only a few steps before a landing so l did not go far but l landed on my left elbow & the left side of my back which is the “good” side...meaning it is not where it is curved. Initially my fingers were tingling in a very uncomfortable way but that stopped. My left arm is badly bruised from just above my wrist to above the elbow. It was very swollen but it has gone down, it still hurts like crazy & my left side of my butt is black & blue. As the swelling goes down, the pain gets worse. Last night was a rough one. No, l did not think of smoking. I am really grateful that my son was here to get me up. He was terrified & wanted to go to the ER, l said unh uh, get me ICE PACKS. I wasn’t sure l would be able to do much since l am left handed but it hasn’t made much difference. Be careful if you wear flip flops, my poor feet, that is my first choice.


Viral Vent

Posted by elvan Mar 29, 2020

I am sure most of you are sick of talking about this pandemic, I am just as sick of it as everyone else.  I am MORE sick of the blatant disregard for our fellow humans, those who have compromised health and those who need assistance.  I am sickened by the lack of any toilet paper at any store, brick and mortar or on line.  I cannot believe the selfishness of the people who are hoarding everything like they are "special".  NO ONE should be hoarding ANYTHING, it is sickening to be so incredibly selfish.  I know that some people think this is a media hoax, I am guessing they are not the ones with closets filled with hand sanitizer or alcohol or gloves or masks.  My daughter went to Walmart in western NY State yesterday to pick up some things for the pub she works for.  She said the place was filled with people wearing masks and gloves and glaring at those who were not wearing them.  When she left, she said that she could not believe the parking lot with gloves and masks blowing around.  Apparently, people pull them off when they walk out and then toss them on the ground.  I do believe that my hair stood on end when she told me that.  There are medical providers who cannot get masks and gloves or who are having to use the same mask for an entire shift...the disrespect and disregard for those people is exemplified by this behavior.  So is their ignorance which may supersede everything else.




Posted by elvan Mar 8, 2020

Happy Birthday Christine13!  I hope you have an absolutely WONDERFUL day and that this marks the beginning of a SPECTACULAR year for you.



Now, I dream that I can walk up a flight of stairs or just walk briskly from point A to point B without gasping for breath.  I remember the days when people would say hello to me and not look terrified for, complete strangers approach me and ask, "Are you alright?"  Do you need to sit down or have a drink of water?  Sometimes, I can only answer by shaking my head because I cannot get enough air in to speak.  

I went to the store yesterday and my phone rang right after I walked in, it was my husband and he said he didn't know where I was.  I was having a particularly difficult time breathing and he asked me why I sounded so short of breath.  I said C.O.P.D., you might have heard of it.  I got out the words to ask him what he needed because I KNEW he wanted something...he said our son had eaten two dinners he had saved in the freezer.  I said there was no way that he would have done that but I would get him something.  I forgot to ask what he wanted and I really did not particularly care.  He was lucky, they had a bunch of stuff on sale for Super Bowl parties so he was happy when I got home and brought the groceries in.  Can't say I was particularly happy but along with the shortness of breath and the fatigue comes irritability, just one more "gift" I have given myself.  I am in a particularly challenging place right now....good thing I know it will pass.


DO take better care of yourself than I did of myself...I huff and I puff and I blow myself down.



Dancing Queen

Posted by elvan Jan 26, 2020

Youngatheart.7.4.12 Can’t wait to hear about your birthday dance party but l am on my way to work. I could not help worrying that some giant would step on your foot & shatter it! Seriously, l hope it was WONDERFUL! ♥



Posted by elvan Jan 19, 2020

I quit six years ago today when I woke up and I could not breathe. I did not know if I could even call out for help. Somehow, I managed to get up and get dressed and I called the doctor and they told me to come right over. The doctor told me that I needed to be admitted to ICU and probably get put on a ventilator to “rest” my very tired body. I begged him to let me go home and at least TRY to get better. He agreed reluctantly and gave me prescriptions for two antibiotics and some new medication for my nebulizer as well as two new inhalers I had never used. And high dose prednisone to help with the inflammation. I knew from the moment I woke up that I could not ever smoke again. I had been sick before, many times, I got pneumonia pretty regularly every fall but I kept on smoking. I knew that my shortness of breath was getting worse all the time, I chose to ignore it. When I would get better from a respiratory illness, I would convince myself that I was fine to smoke, I just needed to “cut down.” I never really did that, consciously, the last year or so that I smoked, I was so short of breath that I would take a couple of puffs and put the cigarette out, I just could not finish it.


I have certainly had ups and downs since I quit, I absolutely accept that smoking never did anything FOR me, only TO me. PLEASE don’’t do this to yourself, between the intense shortness of breath and the overwhelming fatigue, it is not something I can even begin to describe. I am a retired RN, I took care of patients with COPD, I always felt so inadequate because I could not ease their anxiety, I never expected to be one of them.


I had been quit for a year and ten months when I had lung reduction surgery on both lungs. I was told that it was not a cure but that it may improve the quality of my life for 3-5 years. I was also told that the next step would be a lung transplant. I have degenerative disc disease and a rapidly progressing scoliosis which limits the space I have for even the lung tissue that remains. I so wish that I had quit years ago but I didn’t, if I can reach ONE person to help him or her to quit, it would be the best gift EVER for me AND that person. I used to be able to enter a room without people staring at me or getting up and asking if I needed to sit down. Last week, I took my husband to the doctor and it was very windy outside, by the time I parked the car and got on the elevator, a woman asked me if I was okay, I was so short of breath. I told her it was because it was so windy, she nodded, knowingly. I can’t even HIDE it any more. You DESERVE so much more than this, so do I, PLEASE DON’T BE ME.


Loving hugs,



Sleep well, my dearest friends

Posted by elvan Dec 7, 2019

Sending you love and thanks for everything.  You are the BEST people in the world or at least in MY WORLD!


Loving hugs to all of you!



Five years ago today, I got up in the morning and I wrote my "anniversary" blog, it had been ten months since I smoked. I was working so I had to keep it kind of short but I was SO HAPPY, it was hard for me to believe I had come so far.  Later that day, about 3:00, I got a call at work that my house was on fire.  I was in serious denial and I didn't believe it.  My boss asked me what the call was about and I told her, she told me to go home.  I told her that I didn't have the car and there were students waiting to check out at my register.  I insisted on checking them out so they would not be late t class.  Finally, I went with my boss who graciously offered to drive me home.  As soon as we walked outside, I could smell that horrible smell of smoke, I could hear many, many sirens.  I came close to collapsing but I didn't...I DID have to run back inside and get my phone because I dropped it when I went to leave.  My house was very close to work but the fire department and EMS said we could not drive up the hill.  I told them that the fire was from MY HOUSE and that I had emphysema and there was no way I could walk up that hill.  They let us get a little closer and I sat on the road and watched my house burn.  I saw the flames blow through the tin roof and listened as one window after another shattered.  I was sobbing and in disbelief.  My CATS were in that house, THREE of them, the firemen would not let me get any closer, I think they thought I would run into the house to try to save the cats.  I am sure I would not have made it to the door, the smoke was so thick.  I am not telling you this so you will feel sorry for me, I am telling you because so many people came up to me after the fire and said they could not believe I didn't smoke over the loss of the house and the cats and all of the stuff.  It never occurred to me to smoke...THAT was when I knew the hold that nicotine had on me for so long was over.  I am no hero, believe me, there are others on this site who have gone through unthinkable losses...and they did not smoke.  I am telling you this to reach out to those of you who don't think you can keep your quits...oh yes, you can.


I have not been around much lately and I am still having a rough time,  I have to get my husband to the eye surgeon in the morning to see if they can laser some stuff off the back of his eye so he might be able to see.  He had cataract surgery in September but his vision is not at all improved.  


Even though I am not here, PLEASE know that I am thinking of you, I do believe I might have lost my mind without EX helping me navigate that Hell I was in.  Stay close to these amazing people, they are priceless.




2,100 Days of Freedom

Posted by elvan Oct 20, 2019

When I signed in today, my stats said I had been quit for 2100 days, I quit smoking on January 19th in 2014.  I have been quit for five years, ten months, and one day (but who's counting?)  I am so glad to be a member of this amazing community filled with such a diverse set of people, all with a goal of winning against this addiction.  I have learned so much since I came here, ways to deal with life, ways to appreciate who I am...I had to spend some time forgiving myself for ever starting to smoke and then I REALLY had to work on forgiving myself for continuing to smoke even after I was well aware of some negative changes that were happening in my body.  I allowed all of this damage to be done to myself, I damaged myself physically and I allowed myself to be emotionally stunted because I thought it was easier than feeling things.  Wow, what a pile of mistakes I made...I smoked for 47 years, that's longer than quite a few of you have been alive.  I quit smoking when I was 64 plus 4 months old.  I was on death's door, I could not get enough air IN to cough and my lungs were packed with infection.  My doctor wanted to admit me to ICU and put me on a ventilator to give me a chance to "rest."  A ventilator is one of my worst fears.  Being unable to breathe for myself, to ASK for help with an itch or a cramp from a bad position.  When I was still working as an RN, we had a young woman admitted and put on a ventilator because she was in respiratory failure due to asthma.  She was ordered to be given sedation along with a paralytic agent to stop her from fighting the vent.  I was a supervisor and I made rounds on all of the patients at the beginning of every shift.  When I went to the ICU, I looked at this young woman's chart and saw that she had not been sedated for the entire shift.  I asked why since it was clearly ordered.  The nurse in charge said that she showed no signs of agitation or anxiety, she wasn't attempting to pull her tube out, she wasn't wincing, so they had made the decision to hold the sedation.  I remember how angry I was, I asked her HOW she was supposed to wince or show discomfort since she was PARALYZED.  The nurse looked at me in horror and said, Oh my GOD, I never even considered that.  I told her to administer the sedation and to report to the doctor that the patient had not been sedated in several hours.  All I could think of was the Hell this young woman was going through and how she couldn't show anyone.  She survived that bout of asthma but her fiancee said she was never the same, she suffered from severe anxiety from that point on.  How horrible.  I woke up during my first shoulder surgery and I could hear the OR staff talking and the sound of instruments being placed on the mayo stand.  I KNEW I was awake, I also knew I was paralyzed.  I told myself to take a deep breath and then realized that I COULDN'T.  I am sure it was for a very short period of time but I can tell you that I was terrified until they restarted sedation and ventilation.  I remembered that patient and how much longer her nightmare went on.


I am so happy to have my freedom from cigarettes, to be able to help others on their journeys.  It is so hard to accept that I did this to myself but I am working every day to forgive myself.


Happy SMOKEFREE Sunday to all.




Going to be a challenging week

Posted by elvan Sep 28, 2019

I start my new job tomorrow, it's just as a cashier in the student union at a local university and I am sure it will be fine but I am a little tense about walking across campus to get to my building when it is hot and humid and it is forecast to be the same tomorrow.  After my first day of work, comes Monday when I have to have my husband at the hospital an hour and a half away for cataract surgery.  He has to check in at 6:30, oh joy and rapture.  I HATE mornings but it sounds like I might get to see my first sunrise in years.  He has to be back at the hospital on Tuesday and Friday for follow up appointments.  This will definitely be a challenge for me.  I have a rough time sitting for any length of time because my back is a "train wreck"...I am quoting a doctor in urgent care.


I have not smoked in over 5 1/2 years and I no longer get craves but this afternoon, I smelled phantom cigarette smoke that was so strong I went outside to see if there was someone under my window.  I am SO GLAD I don't smoke any more.


In any event, I may be even more scarce than usual this week but I will be thinking of all of you.


Love you,




Posted by elvan Sep 19, 2019

My oldest daughter and my grandson have been visiting here since very early, like 4:45AM, they have been cleaning up the yard and trying to get things looking better here.  They even bought some flowers and some bulbs to plant.  It has been really nice but I have had absolutely no time to be on here, they are leaving on Sunday and I will be back but I cannot be on here for now.


I love you all and I AM thinking of you, I am also reading a bit here and there.


Please take care, 



Update on Ellen aka @elvan

Posted by elvan Sep 5, 2019

I am sincerely humbled by all of the comments on my blog and all of the prayers and support I have received.  I wish I could tell you that we know what is going on with my son but, the fact is, we have no idea and he is not improving.  His personality is in a steep decline because of his frustration.  He feels useless (it is a feeling I am quite familiar with).  I talked to him today as I do pretty much every day, he said that the pain just keeps getting worse and that he does not know what to do, his next appointments are next month.  I don't know how to encourage him at this point. 


The cafe will be staying open until the end of September, I applied at the university in town where I have worked before. They ran a background check and just got results today, they want me to start on the 8th.  The job is as a cashier in the main dining area for undergraduates.  I love students and I am sure I will enjoy being around them although my former boss at the the law school says that she does this job in the summer and that it is not one that allows interaction with anyone.  She also said she THINKS it is sitting for the entire time...I CAN'T sit for any length of time or my back spasms will take over my life.  Seriously, if I have to drive over an hour, I am in screaming pain, no matter what I do.  I am not sure about parking, the garage is a very long ways from where I will be working and I had difficulty walking that distance when I worked at the bookstore years ago.  That was when my COPD was nowhere near as bad as it is today...I have to ask if they will provide handicapped parking..  I also have to ask about standing and if they can accommodate that need.  I filled out the application on line last week and I was called within 15 minutes of submitting it and asked when I could start.  I was a bit taken aback and I didn't ask any questions.  He asked what size uniform I need and I said, "uniform?"  He said that they have staff wear polo shirts...oh joy.  I told him the largest one he has so I won't feel uncomfortable,.  He asked if I wanted a men's xl and I laughed and told him it would probably come down below my knees.  I told him that I am not big but my back is twisted and I would prefer not to have that be too obvious.  He seemed really nice if a bit anxious to find someone.  I will work Sundays from 10 to 5...he asked if I could do 10 to 7 and I said there was NO CHANCE.  I do think this will be a much less physical job than the cafe but I really loved working at the cafe and helping them out.  I just cannot afford to work for nothing.  There are several staff members who are doing just that.  They are young and do not have responsibilities.  I have to sign papers at Human Resources tomorrow before 4:30 and I will try to ask them the questions I have.  I will also set up direct deposit which I was supposed to have through the cafe but it kept getting switched back to checks...I have not been paid for the last three shifts I have worked but I have been assured that I WILL be.  Oh dear God.


My husband is going to have cataract surgery at the end of September and will need to be driven to and from the hospital three times in that week...I HATE driving.  He is also supposed to be scheduled for a possible series of three epidurals because of back pain.  That would be in the opposite direction, another hour plus drive each way.  I don't know the dates of those appointments yet.


Our youngest daughter came for the weekend and I thoroughly enjoyed every moment with her.  It was her father's birthday and she wanted to be here, she also wanted to help prepare his birthday dinner.  I had made a chicken enchilada casserole that just needed to be taken out of the fridge while I was at work and I made his favorite birthday pie...key lime.  She helped with serving and with dishes and she took us out to dinner the next night at a restaurant where I have not eaten in years.  The food was wonderful.  We watched a movie Sunday night and she left Monday morning to get back to NYC.  It is an 8 hour drive each way and I was nervous about her making that drive on a Holiday weekend, by herself but she did fine.  She made it back there and said she was really glad that she came.  She said she would see me in October and I said, "What?" She wants me to come and see her new apartment which has two bedrooms so I will have a place to sleep when I come.  I told her that I have to have oxygen while I am there and she said we will work it out.  She wants to pay to fly me there and back.  I also told her I am starting this new job and the last thing I want to do is to ask for time off when I just started.  I am not sure she has any comprehension of how tired I am all the time.  I try very hard to hide that fact but I cannot do it for very long.


I just want you to all know how much I appreciate you being in my life and how much your support has meant to me these past several days...actually these past 5 1/2 years plus.  I cannot be here as much as I used to because I am too worn out but I am trying.  I miss being here all the time but I am trying to read blogs and keep up as much as possible.


Love and thanks, 



Just a head's up

Posted by elvan Aug 26, 2019

I may not be around much for the next bit of time...not sure how long.  It looks like the cafe is closing which means I really need to find a job.


My son is in constant pain and no one seems to be able to come up with a diagnosis, they are considering MS at the top of the list because he cannot feel his legs with the same sense that he used to, his vision is blurry, he has a violent and constant headache and he has a severe and chronic prostatitis.  In other words, you name it, he HAS it.  The GOOD news is that he quit smoking...again almost two weeks ago.


The pressure on his marriage is horrible and he has asked if he can stay with us for a while.  I reminded him that his sister is coming Friday and saying until Monday.  I have ONE guest room and I suspect the sofa would be uncomfortable although I have never TRIED it.  He and his sister do not really get along very well.  Saturday is his father's birthday and I have planned a dinner that includes chicken and NON GLUTEN free ingredients.  I did not expect him or his family to be here, I thought I was working and that the cafe was going to be open.  I am not sure I would be very comfortable having the family here anyways under these circumstances.  I love my step grandson, but I DO believe he is on the autism spectrum.


My cats have fleas and I am flea coming them every day as well as vacuuming my house every day and washing any blankets they slept on...I have not found fleas ANYWHERE except on them..  I am not talking about a LOT of fleas, just a few at a time but I want NONE.   


I have not physically recovered from working on Saturday and now this stress is seriously impacting my pain.  I am going to try to pick up some things in the yard, small branches and stuff and perhaps weed whack the stuff that comes up to my thighs.  My daughter in law cleaned out half of our front gutters yesterday where we actually had TREES starting.  The other side of the front and the back still have to be done.  I cannot do the back because it is way too high and the ground is too unstable.  I don't want my husband to do it because he can't SEE, his back is painful, and if he starts having chest pain, he cannot be up a ladder.  Obviously, our son cannot be climbing ladders either.  I am waiting for him to call me for a ride to the house.  He gets seriously angry with me if I don't absolutely agree with him about his step son.  My son is OCD and now that he is stuck at home, a piece of lint on the floor is enough to set him off, he does all of the housework, laundry, dishes, etc...and his step son is 13...they are BOTH acting like they are the same age.  His step son seems to purposely do things he knows will set Damon off...this morning, he threw a 32 oz container of yogurt at the kitchen wall.  He has knocked over bookcases in his bedroom right after it was cleaned, he is seriously angry.  This was supposed to be his first day at school.  Instead, after he came very close to punching Damon...they do NOT physically punish him...he ran away, out of the house and to who knows where...he did not have any shoes on.   This is the second time he has run away in less than a month.  It's a daughter in law is overwhelmed with guilt feeling like she is torn between the two of them.  I have tried to remind my son that HE is the adult here and he cannot take things personally that a 13 year old does.  That sets him off and he yells at me.  THAT will not continue, I am not going to take on his anger.


Sorry this sounds so dismal, it is not hopeless but it sure feels close to that right now.  I have no desire to smoke, I know that would not help ANYTHING, I am way past believing that it would.  I will be back when I can but, for now, I just cannot keep up with my life and the site.  You are all stronger than this addiction and that is saying something since this addiction lifts emotional weights when we are not looking.  It knows our weaknesses but we know ITS weaknesses hates to be ignored.  


Love to all of you...say a little prayer for my screwed up family.



2nd hand smoke

Posted by elvan Aug 3, 2019

I went to my friend's pool on Thursday and I was so excited because I had been completely alone the day before and I hoped this day would be the same.  No such luck, when I was about halfway through my workout, my friend and another friend showed up and did their usual routine before they work out.  They each chain smoked in the gazebo next to the pool.  Normally, it does not particularly bother me, I just move farther away, I keep on going.  It was a challenging time because the wind was blowing the smoke directly at me (at least it seemed that way) and I could feel myself filling with congestion.  I JUST wanted to finish my workout, I kept going and, of course, I get a bit short of breath when I work out, puffing away.  I tried to keep as far from the smoke as possible...I even tried to pull my bathing suit up over my didn't help with the smoke but it sure gave me a memorable wedgie.  I don't like the smell of smoke and I don't like it getting into my lungs...I used to sit there and smoke along with them a bit over 5 1/2 years ago.  I did notice that they are both smoking different brands of cigarettes, one is a menthol.  I am not sure why I even looked but I have to walk through the gazebo to get to the bathroom to change.  I ended up getting my full work out done and felt pretty amazing, aside from my wedgie.


I worked yesterday and came home and kept going and I have cleaned most of today...keeping busy is helping me to keep from being a worried mess over my son's health.  All of the prayers and love I have received from people here mean the world to me.  

Love and hugs,