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elims-09-14-13 Blog

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I don't come here very often anymore. It's not that I don't miss you all! 


Life goes on - and life ends. Many of you know that I lost my Mother to COPD on July 4, 2016. I lost my Aunt to lung cancer April 19, 2017. I've had severe issues with my son since 2009(kicked out of school, mental health care needs not being met, Social services involvement, inadequate residential mental health care, ran away from group home, kicked out of Job Corps), and he turned 18 this year and moved out for good...which is good and bad. 


I've had two major car accidents in the last two years, totaled both cars and left me with chronic back pain and Post Concussive Syndrome.


This year I lost my Dad. April 27, 2018. Totally unexpected, and the kids and I were the ones to find him passed away on the floor of his bedroom. I talked to my Dad every day. He was the only person I could just dump on and have no judgement or repercussions. And he's gone. 


It's been TOUGH. 


My oldest brother and I took care of the estate and got the house we grew up in, the house our parents had for almost 50 years, sold in less that 2 months after Dad passed. My cousins also had to sell the house their parents lived in for almost 50 years - and which two of them had moved back into after Uncle Bob died in 2009.This year, for the first time in our lives, we have no family home to go to for the Holidays.




And through it all - I still haven't quit my quit. 


I can tell you that if you asked me 5 years ago if I would still be quit today, I probably would have said no. And yet, here I am. 


You can do it too. Yes - YOU. The one reading this thinking, "This is hard. I'm not sure." I had many quits and relapses over probably a decade or more before I really stopped smoking forever. This place is a great resource and can be a lifesaver when you are triggered.


As someone way wiser than me here said - you have to want to quit more than you want to smoke. And then remember that smoking never did, and never will, make anything better.


Hang in there!

~Elims Lisa 9/14/13


Thank you

Posted by elims-09-14-13 Nov 13, 2017

My visits are few and far between, and each time I come it seems things have changed a bit around here. A few weeks ago I got a lot of messages...Thank you for celebrating my 1,500 days!


I'm still quit - and actually was VERY surprised to have a smoking dream the other night. Well, there was a pack of cigarettes in my hand in my dream. I can't remember all of it now, they were menthols - not something I usually smoked. Enough to make me wonder the next morning what the heck was going on. But no fear - I'm not going back to smoking. EVER.


I hope this finds you all well and smoke free. It is SO much nicer. I am so glad I figured out (finally) that smoking never helped anything, it did not make anything better or easier. 



I have just not smoked every single day for 1,521 days in a row.


So Sad

Posted by elims-09-14-13 Apr 21, 2017

This is the story of my Aunt's death. It is not for everyone. She died of lung cancer - even though she quit smoking many years ago...Do NOT let this discourage you. Every day spent NOT smoking is GOOD and HEALTHIER!



I don't remember if I shared before - but just before Christmas my Aunt Lucy was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer. She quit - a long time ago! I remember seeing her puffing on an electronic cigarette or something similar when she was quitting. 


Last July 4th, my mother asked my father to call his sister Lucy - so that she could say goodbye. My mother didn't want my father to be alone when she took her last breath. And, in fact, she asked dad to get her some ice chips, and while he was in the kitchen she asked Aunt Lucy to keep him in line, and took her last breath. Aunt Lucy supported my Dad in those last few minutes with Mom and the first few without her. 


She has been a rock in my life - their house was a country block away. Many overnights with my cousin, weekends spent in the pool at their house, Holidays switched off between their house and ours. She ALWAYS offered me unconditional love, even when it was hard for my parents to do so. She was also a firm parent/Aunt, and didn't put up with nonsense - but her house was way more fun than mine.


Aunt Lucy beat cancer twice before this. She turned 76 in January and she tried Chemo but the side effects were worse than her illness, so she went into in-home hospice. When I visited her in late February she could still get out of bed, but didn't very often. She said she didn't hurt, just was so tired and cold. I got a bad cold and didn't visit all of March. I heard from my Dad that things were changing for her, and I asked my cousin on Monday morning if I could come visit this week - I had Tuesday and Friday off. She said I could come anytime, and confirmed that things were changing. Monday night Dad told me that he had visited her and she was still talking but not much, was no longer in control of bodily functions, and I should get there ASAP. We lost my Uncle on Thanksgiving in 2009 - I did not get there in time to say goodbye. 


Tuesday morning I put the wee one on the bus, sat down to eat a bagel (I rarely eat breakfast, so I think this was God's hand making sure the timing was just right) and headed the 50 miles to see my Aunt. A few blocks away from my destination, Dad called again to make sure I was going. (I wonder now if he was going to ask me to stop and get him)


The door to my Aunt's house has always been open, so I let myself in and found my two female cousins in the kitchen with the Hospice nurse. We looked at each other and cried and hugged. They said it would be soon. Days. We cried. They took me back to see her.


Mu beautiful, amazing, strong Aunt Lucy was but a shell of her former self. Quite literally skin and bones. Dad had told me she had lost weight - but she was 90-100 pound the last time I saw her and though frail - still had some meat and tone. Now, she was all sunken eyes and cheeks, and bony fingers, and so, so different. 


I don't know if she could hear me but she was no longer communicative. Her eyes were focused on something we couldn't see. I kissed her and hugged her and talked to her while holding and caressing her hand. I sat with her and my cousins for a bit. After about 15 minutes we went back out to the living room, and the nurse explained the medication schedule to keep her comfortable since she could no longer communicate her needs. 


The nurse wanted to check Aunt Lucy one last time before she left - saying we could call her back any time day or night. It appeared Aunt Lucy's breath had slowed. The nurse listened to her heart and breathing, and felt her hands and saw her eyes - I'll never forget her eyes. Too much to write here. Anyway - she said it would be soon. She was going to give us some privacy - but to call her if she needed anything. None of us realized how soon "soon" would be.


I believe I gave her another kiss and told her it was ok, and asked her to say hi to my Mom and have fun with Uncle Bob. Mary remembered that when Uncle Bob was at the last, her mother insisted they hold his hands so he knew he wasn't alone. So, Mary climbed on the bed and took one hand, Wendy took the other, I held her feet, and she left.


I had only been there about 30 minutes. 


We cried, we looked, we was true.


I left he girls there to call Hospice back and to call my Dad. His last sibling was gone.


I have never been with someone at that moment before, except maybe in a car accident, but I couldn't see that person's head or face so I'm not sure. 


I believe Aunt Lucy wanted me there to help her girls. They now have no parents. Adam is only a year older than me - the girls are 2 and 4 years younger. 


I walked back in with the nurse who confirmed what we already knew, which brought on even more tears. 


I spent the rest of the day there - trying to get them to eat, helping with arrangements, making all of the notification calls. I watched as her grandkids came in, too late to say goodbye and devastated. I was the one to tell her son, Adam. It sucked. 


Death sucks. 


Don't bring it closer by smoking.


Love to all.


So, this is all new

Posted by elims-09-14-13 Jan 31, 2017

Hello Exers!


Interesting changes going on in here. Good things. 


Suddenly started getting notifications about activity here, so I thought I'd come check it out. I'll have to look around a bit to get reacquainted. 


I am still putting one foot in front of the other. Things are fine. Stuff still happens. My son is still working on his issues outside of my care and home, I'm still dealing with PTSD from my car accident as well as back pain, and I'm still grieving powerfully. Interesting thoughts this month. 


Saturday will be the 7 month-iversary of my mother's passing. It would have been my parents' 50th anniversary. Big day. On January 6, I realized I had been so busy dealing with things related to my son's issues that I had let the 4th pass without realizing it was 6 months since she passed. This was huge. I felt sad and guilty and it was horrible - and it was kind of freeing.


Much like when I first quit, at first I kept track of the hours since my mother died. I thought I wouldn’t be able to breathe, but I did. I wasn’t sure I could make the drive to the house, but I did. I didn’t think I could make it through the next day, and I found myself keeping track of days. Then weeks. I know that I was well into "10 weeks, 2 days..." before I stopped including the hours, and eventually it became just the weeks, and then just months, and then, somehow, I just didn't think about it for 2 days. Just like that, now almost seven months have passed.


And in my quit, I'm at almost 3.5 years. YEARS! There was a time I didn't believe I'd ever be here. And just like that - here I am. Looking back, it wasn't that hard, one minute at a time, then an hour at a time, etc.Once I decided that I wanted to quit more than I wanted to smoke.


YOU can do it too. 


And please do.


I lost my mother 7 months ago to COPD. Now we are watching as my Aunt prepares to leave our world - a victim of Stage 4 lung cancer. She quit smoking over a decade ago, but still the cancer came. By the time she got the diagnosis it was already too late. Chemo may have afforded her a few more months, but the side effects weren't worth it. so she opted for in home hospice. In a matter of 3 years, my father will have lost both sisters and his wife. 


We are all going to die anyway - we just don't need to increase the likelihood of it happening sooner by smoking.


Be well. It changed the way the stats read - so I'm not sure how many days in a row I've just not smoked. 





Single mom. Smoked for most of 23 years. Anywhere from a half a pack a day to maybe a pack and a half. Before this quit I was smoking 1/2-3/4 a pack a day - hard to remember now. Some really short quits (less than a month) over the last 14 years. Quit for 6 months in 2004/2005 after having major surgery and being hospitalized with a morphine drip for over a week. But then I thought I could have just one when I was really stressed out...and you know how that goes. I've been a member since April 2008 - I was pregnant with the wee one and trying to quit. At the time I don't think I got much past signing up because I wasn't very motivated because I had just given in and smoked when stress hit - it's in my blog.

I quit 9/14/2013 with Chantix. And with help from the people here, and educating myself and learning that all I have to do is just not smoke.



9/14/14 I did it. I have just not smoked every single day for 365 days in a row. I believe that YOU can do this too. And when you decide that you want to quit more than you want to smoke, you will succeed. And then you can make other goals and know you can achieve them. There is no "I can't" - only you convincing yourself you won't. <3



Brief Description

Quit 9/14/13 Colorado Mom





hiking, helping others embark on living fiercely


No skills in profile.


Scared my son

Posted by elims-09-14-13 Sep 22, 2016

Don't know if I mentioned it, but my son is again out of my home. It's what needed to be done for the time being. So, he hasn't seen me on a regular basis in a couple of weeks. 

Monday I locked myself out of my house. My son still had his house key, and I had to go to his school anyway. So, my neighbor drove me. And smoked in the car, with the window open...

As soon as I walked into the school my son smelled it. "What's wrong? Why do you smell like smoke?" and I reminded him that I locked myself out, and explained which neighbor gave me the ride...and he was SO relieved. He remembeed that I had just gotten to the 3 year mark.

She was shocked to hear that I smelled like her smoke. I told her that my kids smell like smoke when they are playing out front and she goes out to smoke. She had no idea. I told her that I really had no idea when I was a amoker either - but it is BAD. 

I think about how much I smoked around my kids. EEEWWWWW. I remember how entitled I felt in the "smoking section" and the disdain I felt for complainers in the non-smoking section - I really wa sclueless that they were so surrounded by our smoke! EEEEWWWW!

Just don't smoke! It stinks!




Posted by elims-09-14-13 Sep 14, 2016

Thank you to all who wrote on my message board!

I have just not smoked every single day for 1096 days in a row!

36 months.

3 years. 

There was a time (many times) I thought I would never see this day. And here it is - and I feel great!

My boyfriend recently commented to me, "You made it 2 months past your Mother's funeral. 2 months ago you didn't think you could do it. And here you are. Look at you. It's not easy, but you are doing it." I'm doing it. It's hard, and I hate it some days more than others, but I'm doing it. I still sometimes count the hours since my Mother passed.

And it was that way in the beginning of my quit. Sometimes you need to count the dang minutes - but as long as you keep counting up - you are doing it! 

I think the biggest thing for me was realizing that smoking didn't help anything. Despite the years I had convinced myself that drinking was better with a smoke, Mrning was better with a smoke, stress felt less when I smoked, pain was lessened when I smoked - smoking NEVER MADE ANYTHING BETTER! 

There are many wise people here - they've been where you are. Listen. Read. Breathe. Just don't smoke!

Bless you all

~Lisa 9/14/13

My last blog was about the car accident. I'm still hurting. Today is actually one of very few days I haven't taken anything for pain - not even ibuprofen. (so far anyway!). I think it's the airbag that did it. The burns re still visible on my forearms, but it's the ribs, back and neck that are the worst. Doc did give me some pain meds I can use at work - but work is really the problem. I move a lot at work. I've been good about not lifting - but I walk an avg of 12,000 steps a day, and I turn and bend a lot too. (cashier)

The van being totalled last month was the 3rd "major" accident I've been in. 3 cars totalled since 2003 - and I've walked away from all of them. God has a plan for me!

Life is still hard. I'm filling out insurance paperwork, trying to decide if I need a lawyer - the wee one still hurts fun. 

Mom's birthday was the end of Aug. She would have been 76. Sunday was 2 months since Mom passed, Monday was 9 weeks - and Labor Day is one of her favorite holidays. She loved everything Patriotic, and parades, and it's just the first few of many days that will be difficult.  

My son is still struggling. He came home in February from residential treatment, and it has not gone well. He had to go to a special school this year, he has become completely non-compliant with his medications, he has been very off - not really rooted in reality. Spent nearly $1000 in a week on stuff that he had no real plans for (101 tree saplings - we don't even have a yard!). He brought a knife to school the first day and got suspended. He made some vague threats vis text message and the local Sherrif came and searched my house. He steals from me, my family and friends. Even as I emptied my mother's room of her clothes, he was in the garage looking for things to take from my Dad. As wee one and  I were in the ER after the accident he was searching my room for the keys to the doors I have locked. Everything has been just under criminal - but too much for me. Today he has gone to a group home and I have to relinquish custody temporarily. 

Crap happens. Smoking wouldn't change any of this or make anything better. It just doesn't help. If you are still smoking - I know it's hard to see that. I remember feeling like I couldn't deal with anything without smoking. But really, it never helped anything. All it ever did was make me smell bad, stain my teeth and hurt my health.

Crap is going to happen no matter what. 

Today I got to spend some time with my Dad, and we emptied out Mom's coat closet. I was happily surprised to find that nothing smelled like smoke! Mom quit some months after I did - 9 maybe? But it was already too late for her. :(

The bright spots in my life are (1) my daughter - she is amazing and wonderful and bright and loves school; and (2) my beau. I'm dating for the first time in more than 8 years, and he is wonderful. We met in college 25 years ago - but are just now grown up enough to date. And I'm so glad I don't smoke now that we've found each other again - I don't think he'd have me if I did!

Just one week to three years!

I have just not smoked every single day for 1089 days in a row.



almost at 3!

Posted by elims-09-14-13 Aug 16, 2016

Hi again!

Just popping in because I've been thinking of my quit a lot lately. I was ready to start Chantix, and had set 9/11/13 as my date...but I got into a car accident 9/10/13, and doubted myself so I pushed it back.

Smoking those extra days didn't make the crash any better, or the finding a new vehicle any better, or the traffic ticket and better. 

On 8/10 of this year - I was in a car accident. Pretty bad one. Some people who have seen the pictures say they made them want to throw up they are so bad and thinking of me and my 7 yr old surviving with only minor injuries...The minivan I purchased was cheap and ugly - and I loved it. It did me well these past few years, and last week it saved my life and my daughter's life. 

A young kid turned left in front of me (I had the right of way)and it was pretty much an off-set front end crash. There is not much left of the enging compartment of my van - his truck went up on my hood before flipping on it's side. All of us walked out of our vehicles.

I'm still not smoking. Crap happens and things are stressful and I don't need to smoke to handle it. It is a beautiful thing!

Unfortunately, someone smoked in the rental car I have. and it is AWFUL! ugh.

Just remember, smoking doesn't make anything better, it doesn't decrease your stress, it doesn't make you feel better. 

And tell the people you love that you love them. You never know. That was a close one!


I have just not smoked every single day for 1067 days in a row.

Hi all. According to this site, I have just not smoked every single day for 1039 days in a row. 

Wow! Almost 3 years. Feeling good. 

I do have sad news to share.

I lost my mother to COPD on July 4th. It has been 15 days and 5.5 hours since my mother passed. I don’t know when my mind will stop keeping track of that.

She got very sick the last week of May - the second time she was hospitalized for extremely high CO2 levels, and it was that hospital visit where they said there was nothing they could do but keep her comfortable. Oddly, my parents were still in denial - Mom was even mad that I was clarifying things with her nurses and doctors. Dad is 78 and gets confused, and was giving bad information to my brothers and I, so I had to take over. 

I picked up the Hospice information in her hospital room and she said, "That’s just information. I don't need that. Don't tell your brothers." Silly Mom. Hospice pretty much started 2 weeks after she discharged a few days later.

It wasn't until the middle/end of June that she realized the gravity of her situation. Hospice said she should move our long-planned family meeting up from 7/9 to 7/2. My brothers and I weren't sure how she was doing - she sounded fine when we talked and looked better than one would expect  - but we didn't want to meet 4th of July weekend, and so we all met as a family on June 25. This "meeting" was Mom's excuse to get her children into one room, for the last time. If only we had known.

Not a one of us would have said that she would not be around 2 weeks later when we were going to et together anyway - since my brother's original flight was non-refundable, non-changeable. 

Saturday July 2 I worked 5 am to I don't remember. I hadn't gotten much sleep before work, and I didn't get a nap after. When my dad called me that evening I was so tired, and when he said he thought it was her last night - I lost it. I just wanted to give my Mommy one last hug. But we agreed between the exhaustion and emotion it wasn't a good idea to drive. He would call me if things got worse, I would try to sleep in case I really HAD to come. She had asked us to write her goodbye letters, so I asked dad to print mine so she could read it in case the mail didn't get there in time. 

At 5 am Sunday Dad called and said Mom asked for me and the kids. This was big because she had not wanted the kids to see her. I knew it was big. I got there as soon as I could. We all hugged her, and then she shooed my kids and Dad away so she could talk to me alone. I got the amazing blessing of my mother saying goodbye. Telling me she loves me and is proud of me and my kids. She was so tired and hurting she couldn't even lift her head to look at me. But we talked. She expressed love she had never expressed before. It was beautiful. 

She had me read her obituary; she had me read my letter, my brother's letter and my Dad's letter out loud to her. I cried. She loved. 

And at 730am my beautiful mother wanted a chocolate shake. So my son and I went and got her a shake. Since they don't sell many shakes at 730am, we had to wait for the machine to warm up and for that we got a medium instead of a small at no extra charge. 

We brought Mom the shake, and Dad made breakfast for the rest of us. When we were done, Mom was asleep in her spot on the couch. I would never see her fully awake again. I sat next to her for hours and held her hand and talked to her. She would respond by squeezing my hand but never really became fully lucid while I was there. I got a picture of me holding her hand. I had to watch close to be sure she was still breathing, and at times had to check her pulse ox. 

She responded better to Dad, and woke up a bit more when he talked. He was able to get a kiss and I got a picture of that. But she was confused and delusional for the most part. I asked if they wanted us to stay and Dad said no. She looked ok - for being at end stage COPD. 

The next morning Dad called and he was so tired. She was keeping him up at night talking about things (she planned her whole funeral and reception, and was saying goodbyes to friends and family) and loving on him and he wanted to be there for her but he was so tired. I convinced him to let me come up that night - even though I had to be at work at 5am - and I would sit with her and take notes if she wanted and he could sleep knowing she was safe.  I was coming up right after work at 3:30.

I had just clocked out when my dad called. I was in the breakroom, standing at the timeclock. 

"I think we should change your travel plans," Dad said.

"What happened?" I asked.

"She stopped breathing about 10 minutes ago. I've been watching for 10 minutes."

"Are you sure?" I'm crying at this point. "Do you want me to come? I'm coming. I'll be there in an hour."

"I've called hospice. They are on the way. You can come give her a hug. She'll be here. See you soon."

I think my knees started to give out - and I know I was crying and I felt my coworkers around me and I could just say "she's gone, I have to go." 

I made it to my parent's house in record time. I made the calls I needed to on the way - both brothers, my pastor, my other family who was taking care of my kids, my boyfriend. I kept it together for the most part.

I won't go into detail on the rest, but Mother looked out for us until the end. She didn't want Dad to be alone so she had him call his sister to sit with her. She didn't want me to be there - so she left before I got there. She slipped quietly and peacefully, and hopefully without too much pain. She just stopped breathing. She looked the same as when I held her hand while she slept the day before. Her last meal was that shake.

My mother smoked for 50+ years. She only quit in the last couple of years - I think February after I quit. She didn't quit when she had part of her lung removed (my brother remembers it as cancer - maybe she didn't tell me that), she didn't quit when she was told that her lungs were failing and irreparable, she didn’t quit when she was diagnosed with COPD, she didn't quit when she was put on oxygen 24/7. At the time she said she didn't care - but I guarantee at the end she wished she hadn't done that to herself, or to us. 

My mother had been fiercely independent. She hated losing her independence more than anything else. She hated any of us worrying about her or fussing over her - which is why she never wanted any of us to know she was sick. The thing she said most at then end besides I love you was I'm sorry.

My mother was 75 years old. 49 days shy of 76. She had been married for 49 years and 5 months exactly. It was only 39 days from he last hospital admission to her passing. We always think we have more time. 

I am so glad that everyone reading this has made the choice to quit. Yay you!

None of us will get out of here alive, but we can make the choice to try and live healthier and longer and better. 


Fighting on

Posted by elims-09-14-13 Dec 29, 2015

Hello all!

I have missed you. I think of you often even though I don't get on here very much.

My quit is good and strong. I did have a minute over the holidays that I had a thought, or maybe just the memory of a thought, when things got stressful that I would go out and smoke. But it passed like the below freezing air entering my lungs...I am so glad I don't stand outside in terrible weather to smoke anymore! 

Mom is doing well. She is still smoke free and and I am proud of her. Her blood flow to her hands and feet has severely decreased so she has pain in her feet a lot and we can't always get a pulse ox read out of her fingers. We have to keep an eye on her sometimes. 

My boy is very close to getting out of residential care. I am very close to having a resolution to the appeal against the insurance company. The fight has been hard - but I think the war is almost over.

As he disclosed more about his trauma it became apparent that he had more than one abuser. His father is dead - but the others are still around. So finally this week we learned that 3 felony counts are being charged against one of the others. That is good news - althought the idea of testifying has him a little rattled.

Yesterday at work a coworker and friend in his mid to late 70's collapsed in the aisle while working. He is a life long smoker with COPD and other issues - and on O2 24/7. He has small cans that he uses at work. He also continues to smoke. In his car. With the oxygen canisters. I have urged him many times over the years to stop... Often we could tell by his coloring and demeanor when his levels were off. He hated any of us making a fuss over him when his levels were low. 

Yesterday when he collapsed, we thought he had a stroke and dialed 911. Apparently he just ran out of O2 despite the reading on the gauge. They got him a new can and when the paramedics checked him his level was 61. After a while he felt better and refused to go to the hospital. After about an hour of sitting in the training room his O2 was normal and we had someone drive him home.

I got the call this morning that he passed away overnight. The last thing I said to him yesterday was, "I know you hate us fussing over you. We love you and we won't stop fussing." 

Please stop smoking if you haven't already. I don't know exactly what happened - but I know that smoking didn't help anything. I know he was a very nice man who always had something nice to say. 

We keep on, day by day, sometimes minute by minute, but we keep on.

Remember that there will always be trials in life, and smoking never fixed a darn thing. 

Very Happy New Year Blessings on all of you.



Hey you!

Posted by elims-09-14-13 Dec 14, 2015


You there!

Yep, you, sitting at the computer right this very minute.

YOU are amazing. YOU are strong. YOU are capable. YOU are in charge. YOU can overcome.

You are here and that is wonderful. That means you have decided to quit, are thinking about quitting, or have stopped smoking.  YAY YOU!


It isn't always easy, but you can do it. It can be scary. It can be stressful. It can be fun. It WILL be amazing. 

You have it in you to just not smoke evry single day for the rest of your life.


Yep, YOU.

Hang in there. 


I have just not smoked every single day for 822 days in a row. 



Posted by elims-09-14-13 Sep 14, 2015

I have just not smoked every single day for 730 days in a row.


If you had asked me 735 days ago if I thought I ould do this I would have said no. 

Thank you to each and every one of you who helped me to get to this amazing place on the other side of two full seasons - a person who no longer smokes. 

Great googelies - I know there was a group of us all within a couple of months of each other! I will have to come hang out for  bit tomorrow after I visit my son.

I am well, the wee one is in first grade, the boy is still in residential treatment. We are still working and fighting for him. You could not even begin to imagine the depths of depravity he has been through...but he is a fighter and I stil lbelieve he can get through this.

Bless you all - I am sorry I haven't been around. I wouldn't likely be here if it hadn't been for you.

Lisa Elims - 2 years


smoking dream at 475

Posted by elims-09-14-13 Jan 2, 2015

Well, I guess it was 473 or 474...but really?

I was standing at the door to my van - passenger side, door open. Windy. Watching something, or waiting. And smoking. sheesh. The ashes were flying into the door - the speaker at the bottom of the door(which is actually a flashback to the car I totalled right before I quit smoking - I have not smoked since I owned the van). I remember the ashes kind of melting the plastic. The black spotty ash melted plastic. At least I wasn't smoking insive the van.

Weird. The whole dream was weird. Unrealisitc. But I woke up remembering the smoking part and thinking in the dream that I had anther pack in the console....and for a brief moment I wondered if I did have a pack left over before remembering I never smoked in the van and th console I was remembering was in the Toy. As well as the burn marks. 

I hope everyone had great Holidays. It was different and hard without my son but we got through it. It was just a little different and I think my girl loved doing so much on her own. She helped with the tree. She made the Christmas Eve soup, she made the NYE pizza...She was amazing and I think she had a great Holiday season. 

This is my second holiday season. I have lots more second seasons to get through this year. But I am not a smoker any more. 

We took down the tree and inside decorations yesterday - but it started snowing again before we got to the outside ones. 9 inches of fresh snow. I went out and played in it and shoveled all of the neighbors' walks and enjoyed it, instead of huddled in a coat smoking and freezing. YAY! 

I will be having my first physical since before I quit smoking in two weeks. I am excited to get the results. 

Be well!


I have just not smoked every single day for 475 days in a row.