Before I ever had children, I always told my husband that we would have to work separate shifts because I refused to have them brought up with a baby-sitter. Back in the '80s, neither one of us made much money and we simply couldn't afford the expense either. So he worked second shift for the first 12 years of our marriage and I worked days. He didn't return to first shift until the late '90s and remained working first shift as I was working from home then.
It's been over 20-some years that's passed and now he's back on second shift due to health problems and the slower paced environment. My routine around here is all switched around. The thoughts of well, I could sneak a few cigarettes in here every now and again. No one would know the difference. Crazy how that addictive thought process can spike out of nowhere. All it takes sometimes is a blast from the past and the whirlwind begins again.
The reason for bringing this to the forefront and probably why I haven't been on the site for a week, is that I wanted to gather my thoughts and observations during this time to share with you. I've always treated quitting as a science experiment anyways. The bargaining that's been floating around in my brain has been very active over this past week. But I recognize it for what it is and a preview to what may happen in the future.
I can picture myself standing in the backyard lighting up a cigarette and feeling the burn on my throat, noticing the head rush. I know that in about an hour or two the thought will engulf me again. That gnawing need will speak to me, just one more won't hurt, who is going to know. But I know that's just simply going to be part of me that I have to see it for what it is. I have to make the choice of just shutting that off and moving on. Those little voices can speak all they want.
The Test Drive, My Stages of Growth, Hey, someone forgot to recharge this and lastly Ball of Confusion - 480 days; I always go back to some of my older blogs to when I was speaking to my addictive self, speaking out to the community at large. That's why I always stress that it's important to blog in the beginning and refrain from deleting them. It teleports me back to a time where I was struggling. I see this addiction for what it is and understand that it's lurking. Sometimes not as strong, sometimes never at all, but it's there. It's nothing to be fearful of. It's simply something that I did day in and day out for over 43 years. It was part of my everyday existence for a very long time.
It's a very strong memory tied to many things in my life. The simple example of returning back to a life I used to live after almost 21 years. But there's many differences. I'm 20 years older. I no longer drink. And most importantly I no longer smoke. It no longer defines who I am and is not who I want to be anymore. And you know what, it's okay. Mr. Nicobod, I see you for what you are. You're a blast from my past that's just going to have to take the back seat from now on, because I'm in the driver's seat. You may feel the need to jump in the front, but I'm the one navigating this course this time. So know your lane and get back to where you belong.........