Well, another first rears its head, Father's Day. It's amazing how I spent most of the holidays, anniversaries drinking and smoking. Could be why the depression suddenly showed back up again for a while there and then disappeared. Interesting how it's becoming a pattern over significant days/events.
See before I quit, I would not even bother with self-reflection to understand my feelings because I had the cigarette to do it for me or the alcohol. If I ever woke up cranky, in one of those don't look at me sideways type of days (like today), that was a for sure 2 to 3 pack day. I have no clue how I even believed that took away the feeling besides giving myself a headache. For years I dreaded Mother's Day and Father's Day and Christmas Day. Those were the holidays that were most celebrated with my parents who have both passed on. They lived in another town about 45 minutes away and we'd pack the kids up and travel to suburbia and celebrate every year. That was over 20 years ago.
I think the depression comes from masking that grief in a smoke filled haze. That powerful little white stick, that magic wand. Days like this I would be chain smoking and eventually buying alcohol some time during the day. That little white stick...... Somehow in the depths of our minds we have convinced ourselves that it cures loneliness, sadness, anger, frustration. Well, okay, for 5 minutes. We have told ourselves it relaxes us, calms us, takes the jitters away. Well, okay, for 5 minutes.
If you are on the ledge hanging on thinking about chucking all this in, think back of before you quit. The panic you felt when you were down to your last few cigarettes and it's pouring rain, no one is around to pick up a pack, someone borrowed your car. OMG what am I going to do? I'll admit it, I've gone through garbage cans and ashtrays that haven't been emptied yet. We all had those overflowing throughout the house or garage or wherever you smoke. By god, we'd find at least 7 butts to make up one cigarette if it's the last thing we were going to do. But just remember, you give in, you go back, you're just going to have to go through this all over again and really what for? What is so bad about not doing this anymore?
Now, step back and see that in third person. How sad is that? How all-consuming, controlling, ball and chain, monkey on your back feeling. OMG my lighter died. Ever light one off an electric stove? It takes real talent and a quick response to get that sucker going. I still smell cigarette smoke. I have a business next door to my house and a lot of people use the parking lot that divides the two buildings as a thoroughfare. I can tell you exactly when a smoker comes through. I'll smell that in a heartbeat. Now that smell is comforting to me because it reminds me of my dad. Before almost 5 months ago, it would have made me crawl the walls and had me chanting NOPE, NOPE, NOPE and frantically trying to find something to do. Now, I breathe deep, smile, and move on with my day.... how cool is that?
