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Guess I'll just go back to bed

crazymama_Lori
0 10 7

Sunday was a cook-out at my estranged daughter's house. I would have done anything not to go, but I wanted to see my granddaughters. That oldest daughter disrespected me and I'm not happy about it. Talking to her is almost an impossibility because she becomes defensive. In the past I would have had at least a 6-pack in me and a pack of cigarettes before going. But that has always been my arsenal before doing anything I didn't want to do. I used that to relax myself.

 

But let's think of this realistically. I took the 5 mintues after my 3 hour nap today to think about it. They always said you have to go through 2 seasons to really feel secure (if that's even the word for it). This was the first cook-out I've been to that didn't involve myself chain smoking and drinking. So all I was seeing all day was drinking and smoking. I handled it but was extremely quiet in doing so. I didn't want to come there and I didn't want to stay there. Now I find myself just simply removing myself from the situation, take a few seconds or minutes and go back to it. I think the problem yesterday is that I didn't have five minutes. I just simply left.

 

Now, I know tomorrow this mood will be gone and I'll be back to my fighting self. When these blues come, I want to just stuff it away. I hate feeling this way. My youngest daughter is telling me I'm overly sensitive. Yeah, I probably am but you just caught me on a bad day. You need some happy pills. Maybe I do or maybe it's this damn addiction that's pulling me in. It's only been 145 days or 4 and a half months. It doesn't help that I've ballooned out almost 30 pounds. It's time to tackle that problem and start a diet now that I'm more comfortable in my quit. Time to become proactive. Time to forgive. Time to forgive myself and others in my life. It's time to let go. It's time to stop treading water and start swimming to the shore. It's just damn time. Like another member said quitting can be a BIG thing in caps or a big thing in small letters. I'm thinking the small letters would work for me.

 

You see, I'm just like you. I have good days and I have bad days. It's not always peachy on the other side of the fence. And this, my friends, is one of my very bad days. I sometimes wonder if us smokers are just chronic depressive souls that look for other means to make it all better. But we do have to make the effort to replace sad thoughts with happy ones. We do have to accept the things we cannot change. Grant us courage to change the things we can. Just dust ourselves off and take on another day. Look for that light. Embrace that laugh. Look for the good. Give yourself that little pep talk as I am doing now in this blog to myself. When I close this out and save it on my computer to post probably later on or tomorrow, I feel better finally. The mood has passed. I know it has to do with not sleeping well the night before. I think it was my subconscious trying to categorize my feelings from yesterday and filing them, dealing with them, making sense of them. The standard of “I had too much on my mind” yesterday. Or it's simply I didn't sleep well, I'm an emotional wreck, tomorrow will be better. Time to sit my back side down on the ride and just ride the damn thing out. Instead of clutching the railing, throw your hands up in the air like you just don't care (hmmmmm, reminds me of a song).......

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About the Author
Never be afraid or embarrassed about your "smoking thoughts" while quitting, they're there to remind us how strong we truly can be. Always remember, you will always WANT to smoke, but you have to CHOOSE not to. We can't break the ties that bind us without first changing the cycle that created it.