Mornings, oh, my goodness, mornings. That was my worst time for smoking. I'd smoke almost a half a pack to a full pack between 6:00 a.m and 11:00 a.m. I run a business out of my home and have the option of an ashtray overflowing on my desk. Funny when you think back on it now, when I worked in the '70s, they allowed smoking in the workplace, '80s, '90s, early 2000s. You go into the break room to smoke. When I left my employment in 1995, they just made the building smoke free. I remember I'd find any excuse to go outside for something. In my position, I had to run around for things occasionally or deliver things. When I started my business full-time, I keep thinking, my god, there goes another cigarette burned up. No wonder why I'm smoking so much. Did the thought ever enter into my mind to quit or go smoke outside? Oh, heck no.
Mornings...... Just entered my mind this morning as I was setting up my day, figuring out what I wanted to get done before my live feed comes over for a trial I'm covering. Thought to myself, my god, around 5 months ago I'd be chain smoking here, scurrying about frantically wondering how I was going to get everything done, smoking, smoking, smoking. Came to this site almost 4 months ago and learned I don't do that anymore. My husband took me out bumming yesterday for Mother's Day and saw a person throwing their cigarette out the window. That always bothered me because it was littering, but now I just think to myself I'm so glad I don't do that anymore. Yesterday was the first time since I quit that I bummed around for half the day. I always avoided it because I was afraid I was going to lose my quit. I was going to slip up. I wasn't going to be strong. Mother's Day consisted of me in the backyard or a bar, chain smoking and drinking. Yesterday it was me in the backyard doing a word search enjoying the weather with the dogs listening to my husband swear at his boat and shaking my head. It was fun. It was peaceful. It was tranquil.
I don't like the weight I've gained, but I can physically do something about that. I don't like the ocassional crying episode I have, but I've learned to just let it come and know it will pass. I've finally reached the calm after the storm. I'm learning to just breathe deep and repeat that there's a reason for everything. If you can't physically change it, let it go. Have faith, keep up with the fight, believe in yourself. There dawns a new day.......
