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2016

Heading up nort to our property for the weekend.  This will be the first time I've been there as a nonsmoker and hoping to see my sister while I'm there.  This will be the first time ever she's seen me as a nonsmoker since we were children.  We live quite a few hours apart.  I've been toying with the idea of not going.  Making up excuses for not going.  But then, bam, it's not going to magically make you smoke again.  it's not going to make you want to smoke again.  Even though I'm over 4 months quit, I still have the apprehension.  Funny how that still sticks around.  Memories will need to be written, but won't be if you don't start writing them.

 

This addiction like alcohol is a tricky one because it's legal.  We can go anywhere and buy it.  It's not like drugs where you have to know someone or know of someone to hook you up.  I've done the dance in my younger years with drugs.  It just got to be too much of a hassle.  So I quit it.  I think the only reason I gave up drinking is because I knew it would make me want to smoke.  Those always went hand in hand with me.  I think over the years I've teetered on the edge of alcoholism.  But I was always able to pull back when it got to be too much.  Kind of like a crashing plane.  I got just so low and pulled it back to the right altitude.  I've never figured out what it was that drew me to drugs or alcohol.  I was certainly never an introvert.  I never used those two things to bolster any of that.  It wasn't the acceptance.  I marched to the beat of my own drum.  What was it replacing?  No clue but that's for another day.

 

Smoking replaced my anger, my frustration, my loneliness, my sadness.  I never really smoked much when I was really, really happy about something.  I used smoking for replacing my negative feelings.  Instead of acknowledging my negative feelings, rationalizing them, dealing with them, I used that hit of dopamine to make it all better.  It was the perpetual Band-Aid to all that was bad in my life.  It made the owwy (sp) better.  At this point, I've balooned a good 25 pounds.  Diet and exercise will take care of that.  And that's basically the only downside that I can really think of that's come of all this.  I've learned quite a bit about myself, only because I forced myself to take that 5 minutes to think about why, why am I wanting this cigarette so badly.  What are you wanting to make all better by smoking that you can't do yourself?  Why are you giving that one single stick of paper and tobacco such power?  It's not a person.  It has no influence over your decisions.  It certainly does not give you any kind of life sustaining qualities.  You know what it was replacing.  Well, ya know what, after this amount of time, I've got my battle scars I'm sure.  But I've ripped that Band-Aid off and letting those sores heal finally..............

Saw this on Facebook this morning from one of my daughters:  I love you to the moon alice! I'm proud of you quitting smoking this far! Love you mom you are a freaking rock star or Shooting star (name that tune) to me!!!!

 

Always remember you are doing this for your health, not only for yourself; but also for your loved ones.  Please protect your quit.  If you need to, carry a picture of the most precious ones in your life in your pocket.  When the urge hits, pull it out.  It helps to remind ourselves what the purpose is.  I actually fulfilled my mother's wish.  I always mourned my mother's passing on Good Friday 22 years ago by smoking heavily and drinking.  When she was alive, she begged me to stop, wished I would stop smoking.  I never did.   This year I'm sure she smiled down on me finally being free of cigarettes and not drinking any longer.  She is my inspiration along with my family.  

 

I know each and every one of you have a loved one in their lives that mean the world to them, be it a friend, significant other, husband, daughter, son, granddaughter, grandson or even grandparents.  Find a picture or a keepsake and have it with you at all times.  grab that for your strength through the rough times.  There is a reason why.................

Now that I'm finally at 4 months (120 days) tomorrow, I must say a sincere thank you to all of you on this site.  You put up with my complaining, whining, ups, downs and sideways.  It warms my heart to see people who have fallen in behind me in this journey of the forever quit and offering advice to the others that have fallen in behind them.  It's just one long line of hands grasping other hands to help along the way.  That's the beauty here.  We're all doing the same thing, staying smoke free.  We're all offering our experiences and advice to others because we've physically been through it ourselves.  This isn't a site where you have someone who has a Ph.D. offerering their textbook expertise, telling me the terrible side effects, the disease, blah, blah.  You know, I've heard it before.  Weird thing is, it made me even smoke more.  I had the philosophy of I'm going to keep smoking until I can't no more.  Now that I've been quit for 4 months here, I'm thinking to myself, WTH.  Keep doing this until you can't breathe any longer.  Okay, makes sense to me, NOT.

 

I think what made me stick to this is because No.1, I finally became unenchanted with smoking.  It started to become more of a burden than it was an enjoyment.  I was tired of having yellow fingers, burning eyes, chronic cough.  I was tired of smelling that eternal butt that never seemed to want to extinguish.  I remember smashing the living hell out of that thing and it would never go out.  It was like the Olympic torch for pete's sake.  Where in the hell is it, as I'm driving into the other lane or off the road.

 

We all prepare to quit in our own way.  Some it only takes a month.  Some it takes longer.  Some have to set a date.  Some just wait at the starting line until something in their head lifts the starting gate.  I've had many times where I've tried to quit.  I researched different quitting theories.  I bought pills, e-cigarettes, nasal sprays, prescription meds, tried the patch back in the '80s.  It was the smoking I was quitting; not dealing with the addiction.  I researched the different sites on the internet, but it was that white noise again.  Staffed by people in white coats, no experience with smoking at all, just textbook knowledge.  I finally fell upon this site because of something I saw on Facebook back in 2013.  I came back and forth to this site but I still was not at the point of quitting.  

 

Personally, I think if I would have jumped right in back in 2013, I would have quit right then and there.  But I was reluctant.  I was afraid I was going to fail.  It would just be a waste of my time.  Boy, was I ever wrong about that.  I truly believe everyone here would have kept me on track.  Would have offered the encouragement I needed because I sure didn't have it at home.  Yeah, you tried to quit before.  we'll see how long it will last this time.  I remember the first 7 days.  I remember how proud I was that I finally got past all of my other days that I couldn't quite seem to get past.  7 days turned into 14, into 30, 60, 90, 100.  Don't ever think that you can't do this.  Everyone on this site will pull for you, yell at you, hug you (cyberly of course).  I think I've seen my way through the tunnel and reached a happy place. Just remember there is no word as I can't.

 

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crazymama_Lori

Words to live by

Posted by crazymama_Lori May 20, 2016

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Mine was Norman Bates..... so what does that tell ya?

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I used to have these smokemares every week.  I only get them now once a month and boy do they make me crabby the next day.  But this song kept playing in my head this morning, enjoy........

 

The Mamas and the Papas - Dream a Little Dream of Me - YouTube

crazymama_Lori

Happy Sunday to you all

Posted by crazymama_Lori May 15, 2016

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A saying my daughter always uses is "Remember back in the day, Mom."  Hey, just because I grew up with black and white TVs with those huge tubes, cell phones were known as cordless phones, party lines were not something you had at a club, all phone numbers started with a prefix of a set of letters.......

 

I remember some people saying, oh, I just smoke when I go out.  Oh, I just smoke when I drink.  Oh, I just smoke on the weekends.  MMMkay.  I'm a little jealous that you can do that because I sure as hell can't.  I remember setting my mind to stop smoking.  Key word here "stop."  I was never sucessful.  I remember the built up tension at work after about 4 hours not having a cigarette or on a flight just waiting to touch down to dash to the smoking section.  Those are very hard to find nowadays, aren't they?

 

I never learned the words forever quit or what they meant.  Psh, you either quit or you didn't.  That black and white mentality is what made me fail.  Okay, so I can't quit so I won't do it right now.  I'll do it right after this carton is gone.  I'll do it when the 18th comes around.  In my case, I skipped the setting the date thing.  it created too much anxiety for me, too much anticipation of failure.  Once I tracked my cigarettes, once I put in writing my replacements for my triggers when I finally understood what that all meant, once I printed that paper and slapped it in front of my face every single day for 30 days, I jumped right in.  

 

There's nothing to fear but fear itself.  Everyone has a different experience in the first 30 days.  You have to learn to experience them to remember them and then learn to let it go.  Ride that bucking bull for that short 3 to 5 minutes.  It passes, doesn't it?  Every week they get fewer and far between.  And trust me, there will be a day that you will wake up and it won't be the first thing on your mind.  We all have the strength within us to do miraculous things.  It's just that last step................

Someday it will stop raining.  here's a little something to get your toes a tappin'  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jDK7sRLn-3E

I've always asked is there a timeline of this.  The answer was always no.  I'll give you my timeline of what I went through and broaded it a little bit to encompass a more expansive range.  These are observations I've made of myself and others and they've piqued my interest and insight.

 

 

 

Day 1 - 15   You have the feeling of panic.  This isn't going to work.   I just can't do this.  This is too hard.  These craves are coming in hard and fast.  They said it only lasts for 3 days and then it's all in my head.  Well, it's lasting a heck of a lot longer than 3 days.  Just hang in there.  you've never made it this far before.

 

 

 

Day 16 - 30  This is getting much easier.  NOPE, NOPE, NOPE.  I'm learning this.  I'm feeling so much better.  I think I can finally start blogging about how I'm feeling. I just can't get enough of sugar.

 

 

 

Day 31 to 60  Where are these mood swings coming from?  Just keep busy.  I wish this eating would stop.  If I chew one more piece of gum, I'm going to die.  More self-realization.  Understanding what smoking was replacing.  Those are called the ah-ah moments.  Noticing more things are actually getting done.  Mood swings again.  I've never slept so much in my life.  In my case, I'm finally free of nicotine.  Last patch was March 20th.  I don't think I reached NML until after Day 60.  Went through quite a few firsts without smoking.  Taxes, mother's death anniversary, father-in-law's death anniversary, business slow down.

 

 

 

Day 61 to 90  Yes, it's a long block of time.  This is where the bouts of anger showed up.  Some of you had this sooner because you were off of nicotine sooner.  Screaming at the dogs.  Oh, my god, this is never going to end.  Just leave me alone.  Super sensitive about life in general.  Overreacting to the littliest things.  Basically turned into a drama queen.  WTH!!!!  I was the calm, levelheaded one.  The rest of the family was the reactive ones.  Where is this coming from?  Blog, blog, blog.  We're up and then we're down.  Where is this crying coming from?  I hardly ever cried.  Why are you fighting this so much?  Am I going crazy?  There is no way I'm going on drugs.  There's got to be a reason for these insane mood swings.  Read, read, read.

 

 

 

Day 91 to Day 106.  This is where the lightbulb came on with me.  I started reading more blogs than creating them.  I started helping more people.  Really started to bond.  Felt a strong heartfelt sadness when someone relapsed or just gave up.  Found myself checking in on people to make sure they are doing okay.  The peace finally came over me.  My happiness returned.  Not a constant happiness because that sadness washes over me from time to time.  But I find alone time, let it out, let it pass and go on about my day.  For some of you it's probably going to be anger.  I'm pondering if it's the emotion that we didn't like about ourselves surfaces just to lure us back in.  We'll see what the next 150 days brings.  I'm at 106 so far.  So many thoughts.

 

 

 

106 to 115 days (present):  This has been one hellofa ride.  I've never had so many cravings in my life.  Days 106 to 114 were daily cravings to almost three a day.  I think the depression is from all the weight gain I have.  Thank god that sugar addiction is gone.  I still crave things sweet from time to time, but not all the time like before.  The sadness returned but does pass after about a half-hour.  The anger is totally gone finally.  I'm dealing with stress a lot better rather than being a raging idiot all the time.  Well, let's see what the next 15 days brings.  I can see why people fall off during this time.  I've had the fleeting thought of just one puff won't matter.  You've got this.  It won't make a difference.  It's been almost 4 months after all.  NOPE, NOPE, NOPE.  One thing for sure, I'm never going through  this again.

 

 

 

115 to 130:  this is the end of NML.  Personally for me it's more the end of the emotional NML.  Between this period I found myself truly struggling with can one really hurt or you know one puff will take you right back, yes, it's still hanging around).  The angel and the devil on your two shoulders.  I had the demon right in the middle just stabbing me like crazy over the last 4 1/2 months hanging on for dear life over the rollercoaster.  He messed more with my emotions than he did anything else.  Seemed to like the depressed card and the crying card in this game of smokefree poker.  Well, I trumped his hand with a full house and won over that scenario and he seems to be in abeyance at this point.  Now at Day 127, (yes, it's been over 10 days) I have the angel and the devil.  Daily I've been thinking about just buy a pack and just take a couple hits a day.  You'll be fine.  You've done this long enough.   you know you won't go back.  Just remember how terrible it tastes.  You won't be back.  Well, let's turn to the other shoulder, what, are you nuts?   You know what you went through.  

 

 

 

It was not a good time and I don't ever want to go through that again.  I did not like the crying, the depression, the dark hole.  It really was an all enveloping darkness, but then went away after an hour or so.  I'm not going there again and one puff is going to send you right over the ledge.  I truly believe this is the point (now and 6 months into it) where you are standing on the ledge.  you either go over or you step back and go right back downstairs and carry on.  I think this is where you start to think more about it because you're trying to be rid of it so bad.  OR could it just be that this is the final good-bye, time to shove that boat out to sea.  Don't know, but I'll be sure to keep you all posted on where the next 30 days takes me...........

 

 

 

Day 130 to present (160 days):  I'm only 20 days away from the 6 month mark.  I've had lots and lots of feelings of just a pack and some beer would sure go good right now.  I know I won't go back to smoking a pack a day again.  I don't want to go through the withdrawls again.  I just want this tense, wind-up feeling to go away.  I just want to relax.  I can keep an eye on it.  I'll be fine.  It's just thoughts and they will subside.  I need to find other ways to relax.  Interesting after so much time has passed how I'm finding out how much smoking replaced things in my life or I believe that it did............ (to be continued)  

 

 

 

Day 160 to present (180 days):  Ah, the magical six-month mark.  I've had lots and lots of feelings of I'd like to just try one and see how it goes.  I want to test drive this quit to see if it sticks.  Then I think of my poor lungs that are recovering from years of abuse, all the yellow gunk that I washed off my ceiling fans and windows and my curtains.  How most of my reference books in my office are discolored from years of smoking in my office area.  I will resist the temptation, but I would have thought that it would have been gone by now.  But then I think to myself, I've been performing the same thing for over 43 years over and over again.  It's not going to suddenly go away in a few days.  I have to relearn how to live life again.  I have to go back to 11 years old before I started test driving smoking.  I've only had 11 years of clean lungs for the last 57 years.  I always think of that when that nagging thought shows up. 

 

 

 

So in conclusion during this crazy time in your life, you will always want to smoke.  It was a big, big part of your life.  If you need to use anti-anxiety meds or antidepressants during some of this while you are killing off those nicotine receptors, talk to your doctor.  They will be more than willing to help you along this process.  Pay attention to your mood cycles, note how long they last, pay attention to exactly what you are feeling, i.e. first anger, then isolation/loneliness, then sadness.  Then realistically note what reappeared, what dropped off, how long it lasted.  If you don't want to blog, then buy yourself a notebook.  Make little entries in it like you did many, many moons ago with your little diary.  Tab those pages when these moods come around.  It could be that women are more susceptible to the mood shifts than men because of hormonal changes or not.  Weird thing is mine come around every 25 to 40 days.  At 6 Months, they don't stay very long anymore.  Usually only last for about a day or two and, poof, they're gone.

 

 

 

I'm looking forward to not having these mood swings.  I'm actually looking forward to seeing what personality will reappear.  I used smoking to stuff the bad stuff away.  I really don't feel the need to deeply analyze myself as I once did when I first started this journey.  I don't need to understand the whys, whatfors, becauses.  I've done all that.  I did my homework.  I know what tools I need to combat the cravings, the bad feelings, the lure line that the addiction throws out.  You will get here too.  You will find the "all is right with the universe" feeling.  The chaos doesn't have to last if you don't want it to........  (Hint:  for me this all finally ended at day 193, think about it, 130 + 60 (being on NRT still) = 190) 

 

 

 

Day 317 to present.  I've got 48 more days to go and I'm at a year.  I'm going to be so thankful when this year is over with.  I've noticed that when an event or holiday shows up, that I'm very emotional during that time.  I try to plan ahead by thinking of the worse scenario to prepare myself.  I'm protecting this quit with all of my might.  I've seen how some have lost it after many, many years of not smoking.  How we seem to go toward the thing we know will be the easiest.  Smoking has absolutely no stranglehold over me like it once did.  I think about it once in a while, but it's only a thought.  The realization that I can simply drive up to a store, gas station, liquor store and buy a pack and be right back at day 1 in a heartbeat stays with me at all times.  It stays with me because it reminds me how easy it could be to slip back again.  To take the easy way out again.  The old saying time heals all wounds is such a fitting saying to this journey.  I'm finally through the hard stuff.  I'm understanding why I react sometimes more than I should.  I'm getting it.  I'm living it.  I'm doing this............

 

Day 820 something......... Funny how I could remember my dates exactly in the beginning.  Now, I have to look at them every time when I post on the train or the daily pledge.  I still come to this site on a daily basis.  I'm always on the lookout for new folks coming on or those questioning more the psychological hold this crazy nicotine dependence holds.  I still have fleeting thoughts of smoking at times.  But it's just that, thoughts.  When I'm struggling some days, I just pull up my trigger sheet and add to the section what I plan to do to separate from smoking.  Trust me when I tell you that the automatic reflex to grab for a cigarette during times of stress, or whatever emotion brought you to smoking in the first place, never appears any more.  Give yourself the time it takes.  Trust in the process !!!! 

crazymama_Lori

There dawns a new day

Posted by crazymama_Lori May 9, 2016

Mornings, oh, my goodness, mornings.  That was my worst time for smoking.  I'd smoke almost a half a pack to a full pack between 6:00 a.m and 11:00 a.m.  I run a business out of my home and have the option of an ashtray overflowing on my desk.  Funny when you think back on it now, when I worked in the '70s, they allowed smoking in the workplace, '80s, '90s, early 2000s.  You go into the break room to smoke.  When I left my employment in 1995, they just made the building smoke free.  I remember I'd find any excuse to go outside for something.  In my position, I had to run around for things occasionally or deliver things.  When I started my business full-time, I keep thinking, my god, there goes another cigarette burned up.  No wonder why I'm smoking so much.  Did the thought ever enter into my mind to quit or go smoke outside?  Oh, heck no.

 

Mornings...... Just entered my mind this morning as I was setting up my day, figuring out what I wanted to get done before my live feed comes over for a trial I'm covering.  Thought to myself, my god, around 5 months ago I'd be chain smoking here, scurrying about frantically wondering how I was going to get everything done, smoking, smoking, smoking.  Came to this site almost 4 months ago and learned I don't do that anymore.  My husband took me out bumming yesterday for Mother's Day and saw a person throwing their cigarette out the window.  That always bothered me because it was littering, but now I just think to myself I'm so glad I don't do that anymore.  Yesterday was the first time since I quit that I bummed around for half the day.  I always avoided it because I was afraid I was going to lose my quit.  I was going to slip up.  I wasn't going to be strong. Mother's Day consisted of me in the backyard or a bar, chain smoking and drinking.  Yesterday it was me in the backyard doing a word search enjoying the weather with the dogs listening to my husband swear at his boat and shaking my head.  It was fun.  It was peaceful.  It was tranquil.

 

I don't like the weight I've gained, but I can physically do something about that.  I don't like the ocassional crying episode I have, but I've learned to just let it come and know it will pass.  I've finally reached the calm after the storm.  I'm learning to just breathe deep and repeat that there's a reason for everything.  If you can't physically change it, let it go.  Have faith, keep up with the fight, believe in yourself.  There dawns a new day....... 

Wishes all my friends here a Happy Mother's Day and hope you have a glorious weekend.  Pamper yourself!!!!

I've tried to quit smoking ever since the 1990's, never lasted more than 2 days.  Back in 2008, I was having a hard time breathing going up steps.  Went to a Brewers game and could barely make it up the steps.  Probably need to cut back my smoking.  Bought I don't know how many different types of e-cigarettes.  Tasted like I was smoking Iodine.  I liked the taste of a cigarette.  Always did.  Could not find any smoke juice that even came close to that.  Threw those things away.  The biggest selling point of e-cigs was that you could use those to quit smoking.  I coughed up more crud from those things than I ever did when I was smoking cigarettes.  I think I invested hundreds of dollars in those back in 2010 when the smoking ban went into effect.  

Back in 2011, decided I was going to start rolling my own since it was getting so expensive.  Quitting never even entered my mind.  If I keep it at a pack a day, I'll be fine.  How I ever smoked pipe tobacco for almost a year is beyond me.  that smoke was so darn heavy, but that didn't stop me.  Heck no.  Now, mind you, never once was nicotine addiction brought up from 1973 to 2011.  I was always kick the habit.   Psh, a habit, not a problem.  I can quit anytime I want to.  Just having a little shortness of breath here.  

2012, I went to the doctor and asked for help to quit smoking.  Wanted to put me on Chantix.  Didn't like the side effects.  Prescribed Wellbutrin.  Felt like a Zombie.  Went off of it and smoking kicked back to a pack and a half a day.  Good Lord, if I was drinking, well, 2 to 3 packs easily.  

Back in October of 2013, I tried to quit.  That was my "I'll just cut down and then I'll be fine."  Well, that lasted for a whole whopping 3 days.  Right back to it and even more.  Up to 2 packs a day.  Came to this site, but just glanced over it.  Didn't give it a second thought.  Kept coming back, naw, not yet.  

No more than a year later to the day - and I know this because I posted it on Facebook - I made the announcement that I was quitting smoking by cutting down.  Goodness, didn't I learn the last time that that didn't work.  Well, I guess not.  That lasted for 5 days that time.  I did actually track my cigarettes for 2 days.  Still regret not using this site like I was supposed to. There's a reason why they make you go through these steps, ya know.

Again October of 2015 - I must have a thing about October - wait for it...... I tried quitting once again trying to cut down.  I guess I need a hammer to the head by now.  IT DOESN'T WORK.  I'd buy a pack, ration my cigarettes and when that was done, I wouldn't smoke anymore.  That whole routine lasted 4 days.  

December 31, 2015, I am quitting smoking. That's it. I've had enough.  Cold turkey.  I'm going to do this.  I've never done cold turkey.  They say it only takes 3 days for the nicotine to get out of your system and you'll be okay.  Just make it to the third day.  Again coming to this site.  Doing absolutely no reading, minimal tracking of cigarettes.  Got to 5 days and I'm back smoking 1 to 2 cigarettes a day.  Soon to bump up to 3 to 4 a day.  Then reaching 8 a day.  What is going on?

THEN I started coming to this site.  I've never read so much in my life.  Going to other sites, some good.  some bad.  Some just basically had a scientist quacking about much of nothing and giving me no information.  Then I stumbled on the word "nicotine addiction."  What?  I've never heard that before.  hmmm, let's research that and see what it's all about.  That whole self discovery when on for 3 weeks.  Knowing that cold turkey was not working for me because I was having intense craves every 5 to 10 minutes, I'm trying the nicotine patch.  Now, mind you back in 2007, I bought a whole boatload of habitrol.  Never used a single one and decided to sell them instead on eBay.  My god, those things were gone in a few days.  People just scrambling to buy those things because they were almost out.  Nicotine addiction wasn't spoken of back then.  At least I never heard of it.  It was just used to keep you off of cigarettes.

I started the nicotine patches on January 25, 2016.  They took the edge off.  I remember reading the package and they said to be on the step 1 for 6 weeks, step 2 for 2 weeks and step 3 for 2 weeks.  My god, it's supposed to last that long, OMG.  I stayed on the first step for a month and tried to step down and didn't work.  So wore it for a week longer and stepped down to the next one for 3 weeks and then went completely off on March 20th.  Every time I stepped down, I had about 4 days of adjustment.  Now, when I was on the patch, I had no emotional problems whatsoever.  Two weeks after, I was crying like a baby over anything and everything.  That went on for the entire month of April.  I was so sensitive and emotional over any little thing.  I obsessed about anything and everything.  I had no concentration.  I was sleeping all the time.  I'm not liking this at all.  I came to this site sometimes six times a day reading, reading, reading.  Blogging, blogging, blogging.  We're up and then we're down.  Go back and read those crazy things, you'll see yourself in them as you will reading some of the other's blogs.  Go back and read some of the older member's blogs when they first joined the site.  they said the exact same thing you did.  

They always told me it's a process.  They always told me it gets better.  They always told me everything I'm going through is normal.  I'm not crazy.  I'm not being a babbling idiot.  I never gave up.  I was determined.  I've made it through the darkness.  I still have a heck of a way to go.  But if you have to try to quit at least a zillion times, so be it.  Learn from each quit attempt.  You're not giving up and that's the main thing.

I'm proud to announce that I've hit 100 days, yahooooooo

Well, my dear friends and neighbors, tomorrow will be 100 days.  I'll be officically entering the triple digits club.  What a ride this has been.  For those of you embarking on this wonderful journey, I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you, IT SUCKS. But if you stick with it, do your reading, see this as a nicotine addiction and not a cigarette habit, you are halfway home.

I didn't really use this site like I should have in the very beginning.  I didn't faithfully track my cigarettes, I didn't set a quit date and stick to it.  I came back and forth to this site at least 4 or 5 different times.  I read those crazy ads for those goofy things they have out there for drops under your tongue, pills that you can take, nasal remedies, I've tried them all.  I visited other sites that kept showing me pictures of damaged lungs, how smoking is bad for you, kick the habit.  My response was yeah, whatever, like I don't know all that already, BUT WHY IS THIS IS HARD TO KICK???  I never found any answers anywhere.  Oh, you had the books out there, for $19.95 you too can buy this and it will magically take this away.  But they never really truly hit on the exact reason.

I think it's only been fairly recently (perhaps the last 5 or 10 years of so) that they have treated smoking as an addiction, an all-encompassing nicotine addiction.  Cigarettes just throw in all those zillions of chemicals on top of it just for a good measure.  If I would walk into an AA meeting and stand up and say, my name is Lori and I am a nicotine addict, I can imagine the looks I would get.  I think that too has only been increasing with smoking support groups through some select few therapy centers.  It was always Oh, it's easy, just stop smoking, it's no biggy.  Well, maybe for some that didn't have an emotional need for it or developed an emotional need for it.  Just like Oxycodone, nicotine is out of your system in three days.  but they don't tell you about those little devils that still exist in your brain.  Call them nicotine receptors, call them whatever you like, I call mine the stalkers.  They wait and pounce at the right moments.  My doctor once told me that smokers are just pleasure junkies.  When our dopamine receptors aren't being fed, they will let us know like a 2-year-old child having a nasty tantrum.  And that, my friends, goes on for months.  You just have to learn to feed them in a different way.

But I've finally come to realize I need to change my old routines that I've been doing for 43 years.  I need to find new hobbies or learn one.  I need to start taking walks or doing gardening.  I need new routines and new memories to replace the old.  I need to stop doing whatever I was doing with a cigarette in my hand.  Now, I don't have to worry about is there going to be a place that I can smoke.  Oh, there's no ashtrays around here, and you fidget until it's time to leave so you can light up.  As you can tell, today is a good day but who know what tomorrow may bring.  But you know what, it doesn't matter. Come on, hit me with your best shot, I'm just getting back up again

crazymama_Lori

Enter Stage Left

Posted by crazymama_Lori May 2, 2016

Well, 98 days is beginning to suck once again.  Having one of my bad days where everything is doom and gloom.  I remember back on my prior quits that this was the point where I always gave in.  The first couple was the simple anger.  Making yourself angry about something just to give yourself an excuse to smoke.  I don't like being witchypoo, so I'll smoke to make it go away.  Got beyond that one and just learned this time to take a deep breath, quite a few deep breaths almost to the point of hyperventilating but it works ;-)

 

This go around is this depression that comes and go.  My husband made an observation last night that I seem to not be able to let things go.  "You were never like that before."  Is this my subconscious trying to lure me back into my wonderful addiction?  I do finally realize that I'm fighting this quit at this point at times.  Almost to the point of obsessing about "when is this going to end, this sadness."

 

Then I read a blog yesterday which I found to be very profound and struck a nerve with myself.  I have to learn to accept.  I need to accept that right now I'm angry, sad, frustrated, tense.  I need to accept that it's part of a transistion period that I'm going through.  I need to accept that.  I need to accept that I'm okay.  It's all good.  You're fine.

 

I like to go back in blogs of the Elders and read when they first joined the site to reassure myself that yes, you're not going crazy.  Yes, there are stages that you go through.  Yes, that's exactly how you feel right now.  Yes, this too shall pass.  Yes, you have to take this one day at a time.  Not oh my god, not another day of this again.

 

See, now my depression has lifted.  This learning process is just starting for me.  Someday I'll learn to accept and simply move on..........