crazymama_Lori

A flick of the wrist, the slightest of hand, it's all an illusion

Blog Post created by crazymama_Lori on Apr 1, 2016

 Now I understand what everyone was talking about, about this 130 days. Day 64 and 65 were just terrible. Day 64 I basically slept all day and day 65 I was screaming inside, PLEASE JUST ONE, ONLY ONE....... Then common sense took over and said, seriously, you want to throw away 65 days just for that lousy puff, um, don't think so. See it for what it is. You finally got your taxes done. Survived, no smoke. You got through the anniversary of your mother's death. Survived, no smoke. You had a huge blowup with your daughter over a personal issue. Survived, no smoke. Day 66, breathe deep, this will pass, you'll be fine, AHHHHHHHHH. Why now, what the hey? Well, they told you this was going to happen and you thought to yourself, ack, not me. I've got this licked. I can handle this.

The fleeting thought of oh, just check that old ashtray on the porch, maybe you missed one. Check underneath the sink, there's got to be some butts you missed under there. Now, read back those two thoughts and tell me how ridiculous that sounds. Oh, how easy it would be to go buy a pack and a six-pack or a bottle and just say screw this. It's too hard. I just can't. It's almost like a split personality this addiction is. The good part is calm and really liking this whole new life. The bad part is dangling that carrot, swinging it back and forth, ah, come on, you don't need to go through this. Not now, not at this time, you can do it some other time. You've done it. So you can do it again. You don't like being with hateful *****... oh, come on, just one.

The good part of me is saying to the bad part, um, don't think so. You didn't like going through it the first time. You actually hated going through it 66 days ago. In actuality, I started going through it 96 days ago but never stuck with it until 30 days after. So let's reprogram the brain here. You're going to throw away 3 months' worth (1 month of on and off and 2 months solid) of being clean for what, a weakness, an addiction, a habit? Just for that “one more” that will taste awful, that makes your eyes water, your throat burn. Gee, have ya noticed you can do more things now without getting winded. Have you noticed that those daily headaches have now disappeared, leg cramps are gone, lower back pain has subsided, shoulder pain isn't quite as bad. You hang in there, sunshine. It's one day at a time; not just one more anymore.

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