Expect the worst and hope for the best

Blog Post created by crazymama_Lori on Mar 1, 2016

I'm writing this for those that are just starting this fight.  I remember 30 years ago when I had my first child.  I was in the hospital for 3 days and came out and automatically lit up.  My husband said, you quit for 3 days why don't you stay with it..... I responded not ready yet.  Seven years later same scenario with another child.  My same response.  Time went on.  Mother died of cancer. 6 years later father dies of cancer.  Start thinking, boy I'm getting older (40's now), I should really THINK about quitting smoking.  Seven or eight years ago had a scare with my husband having heart problems.. Oh, boy, better really start thinking about quitting now. Four years ago, had an eye doctor appointment and was told if I didn't quit smoking, I'm going to have major problems with my eyesight.  Three years ago began the mental preparation of not smoking.  Research, research, research.  Join this site and forget about it.  Join again and forget about it.  Can't imagine myself not smoking.  I've been doing this for 43 years. Why stop now.  Forget about the smoking bothering my husband who is on a CPAP machine.  Forget about my eyesight which is now becoming interesting because I'm seeing floaters now more often.  What am I going to do?  I can't quit smoking now.  I'm under too much stress, I can't deal with it right now, I'll start next week, I'll wait until this carton is done, I'll do it when this pack is gone, and the list goes on.

NOW WE BEGIN.  Right after that eye doctor appointment, made an appointment to see a doctor to help me quit.  Wanted me to go on Chantix and I refused because of the side effects but prescribed Wellburtrin.  I was a walking zombie and my blood pressure shot up sky high.  After two weeks, went off of it and went straight back to smoking.  One day I went to the store and basically this woman behind the deli counter asks me if I just had a cigarette, which I hadn't for like 2 hours ago because I was "cutting down."  Thinking to myself, do I really smell like a walking ashtray?  Okay, December 31st, 2015.  Finally made the decision, I'm going cold turkey.  Never done it longer than 3 days without anything.  let's go.  WELL, first week, I lasted 4 days, bought a pack.  Kept my smoking down to 2 cigarettes a day.  Stayed that way until the pack was gone and then went for another 5 days.  bought a pack.  Well, gee wiz, that one only lasted 3 days.  hmmmm, what is that telling ya?  not working is it?

Well, okay, let's try to nicotine patches.  Week one was awesome.  Had cravings but nothing like it was when I was cold turkey.  The dreams were pretty cool.  Week two, not bad but was really starting in with the thought of "when is this ever going to stop."  Oh, I can have one a day and I'll be fine.  Didn't go there.  Week three, hey I'm getting the hang of this, but where did I hide that chocolate.  Week four, well, now we start to wean off the nicotine.  Left the house and went shopping and found myself driving to the gas station.  OH, NO..... you are not going down that road again.  One leads to two and so on.  Just keep on moving on down that road.  Drove home and cussed myself out for even thinking about it.  The wind blew the wrong way, crying like a baby.  What in the hell is this?  I never cry.  I'm not liking this at all.  We are now on week five.  My emotions have leveled off.  I'm cut down to 7 mg of nicotine every day.  I'm really tired of chewing gum.  and my tongue is sore from the hard candy and I'm a walking blimp, but I can breathe.  I no longer have leg cramps.  my back feels better.  I survived a computer glitch one day without smoking a pack of cigarettes due to frustration.  I have a year of relearning life basically without smoking, but I can get through doing my taxes in a week or so.  Might have to buy a stress ball for that one.